I’m back! Holidays are kicking my ass

I’m back!

The holidays are kicking my ass and I just need y’all in my life. I’ve only been away a few months, and I thought I was doing ok, and then last week….

I have felt like a downed electricity wire. Just a live wire zapping everything! Last week I maxed out in every way. Those of you who were around when I first joined will remember how quick the legal process went for me. I was so wrapped up in the paperwork I didn’t process much emotionally. Until the last few weeks. You guys- im falling apart. I mean, I can kinda sorta keep it together, but I find myself crying pretty frequently. I think it’s a combination of the holidays and a million other things. Last week my grandfather got super sick (and then died), then my parents tentatively canceled coming for Christmas – which would have left me to my first holiday alone with just me and kiddo (update: they just changed flights today and are now coming!!!!), and I started *kinda* dating this fella but it’s in the “not sure what we are doing” phase and I flipped a little. Then we were supposed to celebrate a small family Christmas with EXSAH side of family on Sunday. I couldn’t do it. Why am I agreeing to do Christmas with them?! Impression management and kibbles, and I’m allowing it and I have to stop!

I’ve realized that the only thing that brings clarity to my life and situation is my relationships with women who get it. Thank God for SOS. I was SO maxed and frazzled I decided completely last minute to get in the car and drive 7 hours to show up crying on another sisters doorstep. No joke. With some convincing by yet another sister, I canceled everything I was supposed to do (I especially canceled “family” Christmas). Drive therapy was exactly what I needed, as was an all out “middle-school-esq” girls sleepover with jammies, cozied on a twin mattress, talking, giggling and crying (And drinking an entire bottle of wine!).

This is all just so fucking hard.

And today he sends me a text and for a hot second I think “we could be friends.” NO WE FUCKING CANNOT. My heart is assaulting me with unwanted hopium. Not for reconciliation but for this fucked up coparenting “we can still be a family” bullshit that isn’t true and just sends the wrong message to everyone. He ABUSED me. He does not get to be my friend. But that didn’t stop me from having the thought. Which then led me to tears.

So I’m back, because 1.) y’all are the shit. 2.) I need help making sure I never smoke any kind of hopium regarding what kind of coparenting is possible and 3.) Because I know y’all will call me out when I’m doing something stupid (like agreeing to a family Christmas in the first place. Um. No).

I’m also back because I know first hand how much this community helped me and I need to be a part of that. That is all (for now). ?