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I have been a member for a couple weeks and quietly follow the posts of others, weeping over the familiar pain shared by each unique story. Each story seems to have at its core the pain of betrayal…betrayal that is “equivalent to a nuclear device exploding within our heads & hearts threatening to annihilate nearly everything we held/hold dear…and for a season stripping us of the joy within.” (Words paraphrased from a book, First Aide for the Betrayed. His descriptive words most accurately communicated what I have felt during recent weeks). Yesterday was “sort of an okay day”, but today I can’t quit crying. The constant swinging pendulum of emotions infuriates me.
Last week I interviewed three lawyers and placed a retainer on one..a gut-wrenching experience & something I never imagined I would someday be forced to do. Tomorrow I am confronting my husband of 18 years with an accumulation of facts I’ve obtained through accessing his emails & Facebook. The meeting is to take place in his counselors office at 1pm Alaska time.
For months my mind has been stuck in a dense fog, my short term memory shot, thoughts get stuck in my head – making it like a continual game of charades for those close to me, and dreams filled with nightmares and bad dreams. I hope this confrontation is a step towards taking back healthy control and a step towards healing.
Northern,
I’m so sorry that it has come to this, but sounds like you have a good plan in place. Do you have support in the meeting? It might be a good idea for you to have someone besides his counselor. Just an idea.
I hope everything goes well and he doesn’t give you the run around. You deserve better.
Big Hugs,
Deb
Hi Nrth,
The realization of the truth of all this is really hard as you described so well. It’s a big pill to swallow and it’s not easy and it’s very painful. I see what you are doing is a healthy response to the situation, seeing lawyers, picking one, sharing the info in a therapists office.Transitions are hard. I’m 8mo post divorce the process was hard and the aftermath is quite an adjustment. The relief I feel being away from mines craziness and unsatiable appetite for other woman is very liberating to me. Life isn’t a bed of roses however it’s better than living with someone who’s words never matched his behavior and moods changed with the wind, very unpredictable.
Thank you for sharing and it is hard what you are experiencing. You sound like you see things clearly. It all still hurts and is uncomfortable however in some situations necessary to be free to live a healthy life and not be destroyed by it. I wish you all the best!
Love, Nap
Well done NRTH,
for keeping yourself together enough to do what you have done. We understand the crying, the sick moments of doing thing you never imagined you would be doing, the wondering what happened to your life, the loss and more loss.
You’ve made a good plan so far. One step at a time. Don’t try and get too far ahead–just far enough so you are creating options for yourself.
Big hug,
D.Sending you strength today and for the days to come. Remember the Army of Sisters right behind you. We won’t let you fall. Love, Liza
Good luck, Northern. The only thing about the confrontation that gives me pause is that it is HIS counselor’s office. I wish it was to be with YOUR counselor. I hope the counselor behave professionally.
The swing of emotions is normal and will eventually subside. Try to be gently on yourself and allow yourself to grieve and work through the emotions rather than fight them. They are an opportunity for growth and healing, as painful a process as it is.
You are working hard to move forward. That takes strength and determination. Good for you, Northern.
You’ve got a lot of moxie, Alaska. I’m impressed with your courage and self respect. We’ve talked a lot here about moving the line of what we will tolerate. You are one of the few that have done the classic Silver Lining move. Of course you hurt like hell. Stay strong. Share what you want when you can. It helps us to hear how it all goes down.
Take care,
Debora
I am grateful for the kindness and encouragement expressed. Sorry this is long. I am still trying to process.
My first comment might sound odd, but I believe God gifted me with a wave of anger as I drove to the appointment. I had been crying for days with a penetrating pain resembling someone having to drive to the hospital to pull the plug on a dear loved one. I desperately wanted to do this meeting well and without the interference of tears. The anger allowed me to speak with directness, clarity, and to stay focused on the purpose of the meeting.
I believe the meeting went as well as it could have. I met last week with his counslor to share the facts I had gathered (of course the counselor couldn’t tell me if he knew any of it…but his shocked look was eveident) and to ask for the ability to confront my husband in his office. The counselor began today by affirming he believed this meeting was right, given what I was about to share. He also allowed me to end it when I felt best.
My husband has a incredible ability to stick his foot in his mouth, when given the chance…and the few words he spoke today left several shoestrings hanging from the rims of his mouth!
There was a long silence after I read the words I’d written. His first response was to say that everything I spoke was true (really??? I had lots of documented proof) and then followed with “I want you to know that I have not broken our vows.” I almost came unglued. Instead, I took a deep breath, adamently tapped the letter and said, “each of the separate facts listed were you breaking our vows!!!” He replied with frustration, “you see it that way, but I do not.” You could see his counselor was hoping my husband would quit speaking.
I informed him that his close friends were being told and I was prayerfully contemplating sharing this with his parents because he needs help. His asinine response was, “oh, I have been communicating with them” (with a look inferring they know what sort of a bitch I am). Again, I tapped the paper and asked, “so they are aware of these facts”? He sheepishly hung his head and mumbled, “no”.
My dear friend and the wife of my pastor sat through the appointment with me. Afterwards we drove to the church, where my best friend waited with tea, chocolate, and lots of love. Both waited patiently for the wave of tears to arrive and held me tight until they subsided.
I have been home for about an hour and I think I am okay. I arranged for my girls to go to a friends house until bedtime, so I am home alone for the evening. Strangely, I had not processed anything beyond today at 1pm, so I am in a bit of a daze. I told my friends after the meeting that I expected more peace, but instead I feel like I’ve just been informed that an explosion occurred nearby and am now waiting to discover if the “fallout” will be from a nuclear disaster or simply ash from one of our local mountains…both clearly affect life, but one is deadly.
I am absolutely convinced I did the right thing, regardless of the upcoming fallout, and that brings some peace. I am waiting a disc fusion surgery on Nov 1st, so my greatest fear is he will drop me from his insurance or take away financial support. I am not filing for divorce, but have the lawyer on standby.
northern,
oh what a terrible time for you! you did well today sister, i’m proud of you! what strength you have. take very good care of yourself in the coming days and weeks. it sounds like you have good support and have a great head on your shoulders.
hugs to you.
love
lisaI admire your courage and your preparedness. It sounds like you have made careful steps, and you have a great support system. Please keep us up to date as things progress. You have accomplished a lot, and it took a great deal of strength in the face of the unknown. Allow yourself a little recuperpation time, if you can.
Well done, Northern. You held your ground and held him accountable. I’m glad you had time with friends and alone afterwards. I’m also impressed that his counselor didn’t interfere. Sounds like it went about as well as can be expected. And I understand your waiting for the other shoe to drop kind of feeling. I hope he behaves himself.
Sounds like you did what you needed to do. Please try to take care of YOU now as best you can. It will all unfold as it may… BIG HUG Karen xx
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