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Hi ladies,
As I’m still learning how to navigate this website, I hope I’m not starting a forum on something that’s already been covered. I’m sure it has, as it’s a core issue with sex addiction, one way or another. The core issue I’m talking about is the “secrecy.” My “first” D-day was 2 years ago. My second was 4 weeks ago. I say I have 2 D-days, because after the first (unbeknownst to me), there was no recovery. So, as I’m sure many of you can relate, it was like being hit by a truck not once, but twice. So my question/dilemna is that I haven’t said anything to friends/family about SA. At most, a couple of people know we have had “stress in our marriage.” By keeping this to ourselves, I thought I was protecting myself–I was so mortified and ashamed. I now realize this could be enabling. However, it still seems like there are 2 schools of thought. The first is that if you don’t tell close friends/family, it’s enabling. The other school of thought is that “once people know, there’s no un-knowing.” As a result, this can make healing difficult for the partner because it’s good to have some “normal” life apart from the SA issues. Thoughts anyone? All honest input is appreciated!!I don’t think its enabling or disabling to not tell friends and family. However, it could actually be alienating, for some people. And this goes for any kind of bad news.
One of the problems of telling close friends and family is how they deal with the news and that you can’t control. They may not believe you, or think you are exaggerating, or they may minimize, (just like the SA) deny, defend, or try to tell you that its “not that bad”… “everyone” does it… or there’s no way… he’s such a “nice” guy… on and on…making you feel like a POS. Or, they may avoid you, entirely because they don’t know what to say and now feel very uncomfortable. You could lose a good friend this way! (maybe not as good as you had thought) 🙁 Believe it or not, some might also take his side and see you in the negative light! too gross for words, isn’t it? So, I would be very cautious as to who I tell and how much as I think it could actually lead to further trauma– for you. I think its extremely important, however, to be able to release all of the feelings, fears, ideas, etc, but better to find other people going through the same or similar situation and also use a talk therapist who can provide support.
Best,
LI agree 100% with Lexie, Zumbagirl. When I had my D-day, one of the many reasons I felt so hurt and alone was that I didn’t know anyone who had been through something like this – or they didn’t talk about it. Please read the stories and topics on this site and you will be shocked and amazed that what all of us are going through, or have been through, is so similar. It’s almost like we are all involved with the same man. And Lexi, you’re on fire tonight girl! Best part, you don’t even charge $150 an hour, although I sure do appreciate your advice anyway and wouldn’t have a problem with forking over the $150 for a therapy session with you.
I agree also…I was so obsessed with fact finding that I confided in some people foolishly (as I’ve posted before, one was my best friend not knowing that she was one of my worst betrayers) so I learned that you honestly cannot know who to trust with such sensitive information. Also, like Lexie mentioned, the reactions can be, um… suprising.
Most people still don’t know much about SA. I’ve gotten the ‘takes two to ruin a marriage’ , and ‘any man who was in his position (at work) would have done the same things’ , etc. Not helpful. Their addictions are not a situational problem and for most, their acting out started when they were young boys but the general population has yet to become informed so be careful. I have not told my siblings (except 1) as I’m not sure they would be able to forgive him if I decide to stay. You probably know who those people are in your life.
I chose to tell my friends exactly what was going on. I did want to go through all of it alone. I got tremendous support without which I don’t know what I would have done. However, I had decided immediately after D-Day to divorce. I’m not sure what I would have done if I was trying to work things out in the marriage. The only person who gave me negative feedback was our Rabbi, sadly enough. He criticized me for telling anyone. I do not think I was responsible for covering the SA’s lies for him. I needed my friends and family to know what I was really going through.
Here’s my rule of thumb for my own life with my husband…. I tell anyone that I need to and want to for my own healing and tell them as much or as little as I am comfortable with.I have a short list of people for this topic……but it’s a good list.
MarieI just thought I’d check in here before I leave the house for the day. You ladies are amazing. Thank you for all of this input. If I didn’t have the Sisters, I don’t even know what I’d do with all of this “stuff” staying in my own head, leaving me feeling so isolated. I’m going back to a talk therapist as well this week. I hope she’s as good as all of you. 🙂 Thank you, and a peaceful day to all! ZG
Marie ~ I like that. It seems so fair. I think one of the things that makes this so hard is I have close friends I have been avoiding because they will be able to tell something is wrong. I didn’t do this, and yet I feel so trapped in his secrets. Thank goodness for this web site.
Hadj,
That is exactly what I meant in my story when I talked about isolating friends and family through the years. Ugh! There are so many times that what I chose to do or not to do based on his behavior and what tension or crazy things were going on in our household at the time (before I knew about SA, but
definitely knew something was Wrong!) It sucks! I felt like I
couldn’t really be ME and I was never free to truly do what “I” wanted or be the person I knew I could and wanted to be.
I felt (feel) trapped in his world On a merrygoround that I am trying to jump off of!
I think back to many holidays and vacations that he ruined for us! I could never figure out why things would seem fine leading up to special events and then the day before or day of or whenever we were leaving for a trip, he would literally turn into an asshole! Every time!!! I scratched my head a
million times trying to put my finger on the pattern! Now, I
think I know why. Seems my SA has had MANY
“relationships” through these long 17 years based on
hundreds of old emails I discovered after installing a key
logger on computer. Who knows what lies he was feeding his
random “girlfriends” at the time and probably they would be
giving him grief On the holidays or when he went on vacation
because I think some knew and some didn’t (that he was
married) and then when there was turmoil with GF, of course
the WIFE is gonna be the one to take his foul mood out on!Wow, I feel like I am having an Aha moment as I type this post. All the memories of years gone by with me wracking my brain trying to figure out why this man I love can be so awesome One day or week or hour or whatever and the next thing I know, start acting like a total bastard or big baby or whatever And I blamed myself and desperately tried to figure out ways to make him happy again and now it just breaks my heart to understand that he is such a narcisstic monster that he would Repeatedly behave this way and KNOE how upset I was and continue to mentally and emotionally and intentionally hurt me, when all I wanted was to be a good wife and have a good husband and a happy family. I know this probably doesn’t make much sense as I ramble, but I was unprepared for these feelings to come flooding out as I started my original response to Hadj. I have now worked myself up into an emotional mess and it freaks me out cause it seemed to come out of nowhere! Ugh! I feel like such a victim sometimes, I’m sure we all do… It just makes me sick that I chose this life for me and my son with this idiot 17 years ago and even though there MUST have been hundreds of red flags, I ignored them all and sit here today, still frozen in emotional fear, trying to gather the strength to leave this man who doesn’t deserve to be called my husband!!
Thanks again for listening. Without this site, I have no idea how I would cope! Hugs to all!!!@ Polly— Boo on the rabbi, even if he disagreed, I think your point is valid and what was right for you and your situation. Let’s face it…There is NO right! It all sucks! If he doesn’t understand your need to confide in your loved ones, he’s not a very good rabbi. Maybe you hit a little too close to home. 😉
Best ~ L
Polly, I just have to say…our pastor told my SA to be careful about telling anyone, because he is an employer and he was considering my husbands professional life. If it became common knowledge, some might see opportunity to exploit it for profit. We have had mind-blowing suits because some attorney promised big $$ to a vulnerable employee. Fortunately most have integrity and are good people, but when some people are up against a financial wall and an attorney is singing a good song….
silver-lining You summed it up perfectly! It’s not just the things he did wrong, it is all the fall out from his actions, things that formed our lives and the paths we took. Now I know why we really bought this house, why he irritated me so on vacation (he was totally cruising for hook ups – we would chase all day, be exhausted, and he would need to go running), why certain friends suddenly fell out of our lives.
They way he outsmarted me by being so loving and then dismissing me as being clueless……grrrrrrrrrrrrr. What an ass! I am so angry with myself for letting anyone in this world treat me like that.
Right now the thing that boils my blood the most is when it all hit the fan, the way he intentionally hurt me emotionally and mentally, when I was at my saddest point. Monster.
And now he is being so sweet and nice, begging for forgiveness. Hard to believe he is sincere.Can I put a spy program on his computer with out him knowing? Will one of his employees that oversee the work computers spot it? He is head of I.T. ~ I don’t want to compromise his reputation at work.
Hi hadj608,
Funny you mention the vacation thing. When we went on vacation the same thing happened. I don;t know why, but he would annoy the hell out of me. It was like he was in this worked up agitated state the whole time, would never relax. And we too were running, running. The whole vacation he would not settle. I had chalked it off to that he could not get his fix while we were on vacation; after d-day. After about 5 years of vacations, and it happeneing every time, i started thinking that he must just annoy me when we are on vacation?!?! But after d-day, i thought something else.
Thanks for the post. You made me realize something as well.
And the fallout from this is huge. For me its the end of my life i/we was building, and finances; because we are divorcing. I now realize I was dragging him, through the life that I was making. He never participated. there was no we, hence the intimacy disorder. It was me making him do everything.I really feel your pain hadj… If he’s in IT, he probably would find it and then what??? not very pretty…
Do you know his haunts? Can you place a bait ad? It worked for me. I am not necessarily recommending it, because its very painful… but there is no better evidence than catching the prick with his dick in the cookie jar… what is your heart telling you?
best,
L
Yep, I agree, don’t Do it on work computer, too risky. I did it on home laptop and he has no clue! God, it’s almost hilarious except it’s not, but he is like clockwork. Every time I leave the house, he is on that thing like two minutes later. How sad to be that obsessed! And how sickening!
Kinda funny tho. I was trying to stay sneaky about it but obviously it was hard to keep my mouth shut! I wanted to kill him! One day, he was feeding this chick the biggest line of bull and I couldn’t take it, so I’m signed in under his name
(at home) and he is at work flirting with this lady out of state
all freaking day and they are going back and forth and all of
a sudden, I start sending her these disgusting pics that he
had from this 69 year old NASTY lady and she had just sent them the week before so they were fresh! Ha! It looked like they were coming from him and they were so nasty! Every body part imaginable! Ugh! They went from all their goo goo gaa gaa shit to the lady starts cussing him out and asking what his problem is!!! He starts apologizing and denying it and saying someone at work has hacked into his computer! Ha! All the while, I’m sitting at the home office computer hitting the refresh screen and laughing my ass off. He starts deleting every dirty picture on his email but of course, I have already printed off hard copies of everything weeks before! It was great to watch him scramble. That lady noticed the dates of nasty pics was only a week prior. She then told him she wasn’t interested in him as I sat there cracking up! Of course, he just moved on to the next victim, but at least I had fun for a minute! I think the next morning I woke up, thought about it and then threw up- but it was fun at the time! He’s gonna shit when he finds out how much I know and what access I have! He deserves everything he gets!Hi silver-lining. I see you have learned to be clever like the rest of us. When are you going to lower the boom?i
OMG, silver. I can’t even imagine someone facing all of the evidence that you have amassed. Quite seriously, you need to have someone within earshot for protection.
Silver-lining, how do you do it? You are my idol! I was so devastated by the physical evidence, that I deleted it (like a dummy, I know!)
Hi guys! If it wasn’t so dang late, I could entertain you with a few other stories and I promise I will soon! This whole thing has been an eye opening experience on so many levels! First of all, to comprehend the extent of his problems and the extent he is willing to go to…..?? Get off? LOL!! I mean really, I don’t know about ya’all, but I can make it happen in a few minutes, myself. That’s with or without the help of a man! HA! My, I am in a feisty mood tonight! Maybe the antidepressants are finally kicking in! But seriously, can you imagine all this work and money and sneaking, lying, risking, they do just to have a freakin orgasm or two?? Yeah, I said it but honestly, it blows my mind!!! Hell, I gave up on sex years ago since the asshole never gave it up or even acted half ass interested. And I was willing to spend my life continuing to try to make him happy anyway and pretend we had a nice little family like everyone we know thinks we did! Ugh!! He doesn’t deserve me for one second and neither do all your men either!! Whether you choose to stay or leave, it doesn’t matter but still, they dont deserve you either way!!
Sharron, I am not sure of the trigger date but it is soon…like maybe a week or two. Would really like at least one appt with a specialized therapist first just to be sure I’m ready. Honestly, I don’t think I will ever be ready to get this ball rolling, but it needs to happen! I need to move forward with my life and work toward better things that I deserve! I just know what a freaking headache and nightmare this is going to turn into and I just dread it! So…..each day passes by and then I say….maybe tomorrow! I did get your message Sharron about contacting you personally and I would like to do that. I can send you a private message this weekend with my phone number. Although, I don’t mind if any of you ladies have my number and you can call me day or night – I just wasn’t sure if we were suppose to be posting it so openly!? Thoughts??
Hello Zumbagirl.
My SA and I sat down with his mother to discuss it with her. I went to be his moral support. He was doing 12 step inventory to talk about behaviors he developed in response to numerous almost molestations that happened to him by an old friend of his mother’s as a child. She was upset, but treated us both with kindness.
In the end, you have to do what’s right for you. You need help, comfort, and advice at this time. It always seems like the SA’s get lots of help, and we the partners are left the short end of the stick.
I personally won’t be telling my family I’m close to unless it doesn’t work out.
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