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Sorry to bother you lovely ladies but I’m struggling today. I just don’t know why I can’t move on. I’ve been apart from SA for a year and wouldn’t go back. I don’t want to be with him and want a divorce, but I can’t stop obsessing about what he’s doing, whether he’s still up to his old tricks and wondering about his new relationship. I know part of it at least is my wish for karma, but why can’t I just forget about what he is or isn’t up to and be happy with my own life. I don’t know how much may be to do with the fact that in the end HE left me, so I never felt I actually made my stand. I got what I wanted, but by default and only because it was what HE wanted. Writing that down makes me think that maybe that is the big problem – it feels like he’s just carried on doing what he’s always done and left me because he had someone else to go to. He’s not lost anything, he’s not admitted his problem, he’s got exactly what he wants. Please help me with some advice about how I move on from this. I know it’s not healthy.
BbHi busybee,
I know there are some tough days still. And you may be right that he is just carrying on as usual. If he doesn’t really value the loss of you in his life, that’s another hard thing to process. It’s so easy to expect that the SA will have normal responses to our actions or the consequences of their own actions—but they don’t. They avoid pain anyway they can. They block it, they deny it, they excuse it, they lie about it, they mask it, etc. You will drive yourself crazy waiting for him to “wake up and smell the coffee”. We cannot get “justice” for what has happened to us. We can only rescue ourselves, and recover ourselves. But rebuilding our lives into vessels that have a capacity for joy and love, both giving and receiving, is the best way to break free of their ugliness.It’s so hard to let it go. I still go back and pick of pieces of the wreck, as if I still can’t quite believe it happened. But that is getting less and less. I find that with every step I take into a new life, I take fewer steps back. Moving ourselves forward is the best remedy I know.
There is a good life to live, yet. But it doesn’t come until we are truly ready to receive it. One day we begin to love our grief less that the life that is right in front of us. That is when we really begin again.
Do you know what? In my faith tradition it’s Good Friday—a day when life seems to die, but it is death that dies. And on Sunday it will be Easter, when the promise of new life invades whatever grief we carry, and eventually speaks louder and stronger than the lament we carry.
I hope Easter finds you in whatever way you are able to receive it.
D.xo
Hi busybee,
Sorry for your bad day….. they are particularly frustrating when we think we have gotten past a point where we need them. Sometimes our minds and bodies know better and that we have them for a reason.
I tend to be fairly direct, so please feel free to ignore me if that doesn’t work for you. My mother always told me that she loved me anyway:)
I recall that you wrote earlier that you are not divorced, and that the reason was because he didn’t want one and he had said he couldn’t afford it. You have been really honest about not wanting this guy back in your life and moving on, and those words, when you write them, really ring true. How do you feel about a divorce? Are you opposed to it and if so, what are the reasons? Divorce often does make things tougher financially, but if that is one of your concerns, it may be worth the independence and self respect that you get from filing for divorce and you can find a way to make the rest okay…..so many women on this site can help you on that path, if that’s where you’re headed because they’ve waked it or they are walking it now. If you aren’t divorcing because HE doesn’t want it, because HE can’t afford it….you are enabling him without realizing it, you are allowing him to do what he wants without the usual and obvious consequences. He needs and should have consequences for his choices. The rest of us do, why should he be different? I’m not giving him a pass on that. I understand why you care that he left you before you could leave him, its human nature to care. We would probably all go through scenarios of wishing we had done it first. But this is your chance to do the right thing for everybody, especially yourself. You could, should you choose to do so, file for divorce first and mean it as a symbol to continue moving on with your life and not be any more connected to him than is absolutely necessary. You are already connected to this guy in some way for the rest of your life because you have children together. If you keep the connection only about the kids and to the minimum degree possible….. you will be better off for it. And that legal contract that says MARRIAGE……. that’s a big deal.
You have your head on straight, Busy bee:) figure out what’s right for you…then do that:)
Your friend,
MarieHi BB,
I love what Diane and Marie wrote and its so true. Also, I think what can happen to us is we get “backward” thinking with these guys. It really doesn’t matter who left who or who is divorcing who. The truth is what matters. We were married to SAs who weren’t in recovery therefore the relationship needs to end. We know because they are still active sex addicts they are continuing all their behaviors, lies, deception, ect with their new woman. We define ourselves. We dont let what they do define us. We need to be aware of this backward thinking…kinda sneeks up on us. You are so better off without him and your new relationship sounds nice and healthy. That is your definition of yourself not what your exSA does or think….hope this helps….Love, napPS I think divorcing him would be a healthy thing to do. What do you think?
Hi busybee – I think whenever the husband makes the choice to leave it is natural to feel rejection, but intellectually you know 1. He is still active in his addiction. 2. He moved on so he would have someone else to carry on his secret life with. 3. You know he isn’t going to change. 4. Did he really get what he wants?
He is still the miserable sex addict that you married, is an emotional cripple, is hiding behind his addiction to function in life – No, HE is the loser. He will never be any different, and will continue to bring destruction to the lives of anyone he touches. He HAS lost everything, and will continue to be a “lost soul” because he doesn’t have the maturity or the balls to work on the long road to recovery. He will always be a miserable human being. It is really a gift from God that he was the one who decided to leave – He did you ONE BIG favor.
Diane is so right about putting faith in however you are able to receive it. I don’t know what your’e faith is, but I can tell you how mine has worked for me. Ever since I made the decision to divorce, I open the Bible to a random pages every night, and God always provides an answer for me with his word. The most revealing passage for me said: “It may be the day has come for you to let go of your “Nazareth – for you to release someone or something in order to take hold of the next step in God’s will for you. When the time comes for you to let go, Jesus- who will never let you go – will be there to encourage you and hold you fast. When you let go, he gives you something new to grasp.” I don’t usually preach a sermon, but that verse is what gave me the strength to make my decision to divorce and start letting go.
I am like Diane, I still have difficult times, but know in my heart I made the right decision.
My advice to you is look to whatever your faith might be, and use it to guide you on the journey of letting go.
My prayers are with you.Forgot to add – I agree with Marie and NAP. Just think, if you divorce him then YOU make the decision and are in control of what you want for YOUR life.
HugsHi BB,
My thoughts when reading your post were this. If we find that our thoughts are racing, constantly circling around what if this, and what if that, and i hope he crashes and burns, etc. These thoughts will not stop on their own, we let them run rampant a little or as much as we like.
Make a list of things to do, listen to music, change the focus of your life or day, change your house around, so its yours, paint; just change things so you are not reminded of him as much. Then when your thoughts are getting the best of you, think to yourself. I am not going to waste my life, time and kind heart on this guy anymore.Maybe write it down, as much as possible, get it all out.
But I guess what I am saying is. This does take effort to move on, you can stay in this phase for years, or you can make the conscience effort to make it last only one more month (by no means what I expect) insert your timelines in.
But the book its called a breakup because it is broken may be really be helpful to you!!! Serioulsy pick it up or get it from your library. Because in essence that is what you are getting over is a bad break-up, he just happens to be an SA. They are really good at explaining things and have good ideas. If you are stuck you may want to give it a try.
Hugs and good luck.
Thank you wise ladies!!!
Your words, as always are an inspiration.
I’ll try to respond to the questions asked.
Yes I do want a divorce and had an appointment booked with a lawyer prior to my car accident. I got bad PTSD after that and am just getting ‘back to normal’ (whatever that is!) now. I think one thing that is holding me back is that I want a good lawyer but the one that has been recommended to me by two people no longer handles divorce cases. I was offered an appointment with the Head of Family Law at the same firm. Do you think they’ll do? The first one was a female (which did appeal) and the Head of Family Law is a man. I don’t suppose it matters, just want someone to fight my corner well. I certainly do NOT want to enable SA and am not delaying for his benefit. It’s tough if he can’t afford it – he should spend less on other things.
As regards my faith – hmmmm. Not sure there. Kind of lost it I guess. I was raised Catholic and practised until a couple of years ago. He was also raised Catholic and wanted our childen raised Catholic and sent to a Catholic school. He then stated he no longer believed and left me to do the taking to church etc. I don’t think Catholicism is for me but I do believe in someone/something. I guess I’m maybe just a bit more into practical christianity – helping people, being nice, etc rather than the whole ‘ceremony’ surrounding organised religion. Marie wrote ‘If you keep the connection only about the kids and to the minimum degree possible….. you will be better off for it.’ I agree so much with this and recognise this as a problem, but don’t know how to sort it without impacting on the kids. In my ideal world he would wait in the car when he picks the kids up, but he doesn’t. He comes into the house and the kids invariably have forgotten something so he ends up hanging around for a few minutes. He often rings to speak to them, which is not a problem at all, but rather than ring their phones he rings the landline, (his excuse is usually that their phones are switched off – not sure if this is true or not) which means I answer it 9 times out of 10. How do I keep the contact minimal without it affecting the kids, as they are now used to this. I guess I let it happen for the same reason I let so much happen – I know if I say anything he’ll get angry and I’ll feel intimidated. I want things to be as amicable as possible for the boys but I don’t want him to ‘have his cake and eat it’ and I don’t want him to still control my actions.Dear B.B.,
I have those days too. My separation is fairly recent but there’s still a lot of regret, disappointment and grief about what might have been. Every day I have fewer thoughts about what my husband did or is doing. This is what is working for me: I’m finally really acknowledging what I missed for many years – real love, respect, friendship, comfort, a partner (just to name a few). There were so many unfulfilled promises and expectations. Why did I settle for so little for so long? Why do we continue to wonder what they are up to? Perhaps validation of our pain and trying to find out how everything went so wrong, so that it never happens again? My life is no longer about him or us. It’s about me.All of the comments are dead on accurate about sex addicts. They, for the most part, aren’t going to be the ones who help us heal. It still hurts knowing, in the end, he is probably one of the most selfish and self centered people I have ever known. Just writing and reading about what we have been through, and are still going through, is one of the best ways I have found to get through the bad days. Some days are too dark to even comment but I still read the posting and comments on this sight.
Love and hugs,
Ann
P.S. I just started germinating some flower and vegetable seeds. I know this might seem too late for some of you, but that’s the reality of the climate here. It feels great to grow something positive for a change.
Hi busybee – I am not into most organized religion either – I hate the hell-fire damnation approach. I prefer to think of my self as just spiritual.
Hope you are feeling better – I know it always helped me when the “sisters” were so loving and supportive.Yes, for me, as well– my spirituality is very personal and nothing is more nauseating than an addict hiding behind “Jesus”– cause *HE* loves me no matter what horrible piss awful thing I’ve done. BTW, I apologize if I am being disrespectful of anyone’s beliefs. My dearest friend, is a devout Catholic, however, she never ever crams it down my throat. that’s the difference. One time, a couple years ago, we were invited to dance for the Cardinal of NY… no joke and it was during the Jewish High Holy Days. I loved it!
I can relate to how you feel BB because I have also felt this with predator in that he dumped me, (blessing, actually), and it does hurt.. of course it does! I was too REAL and too DEMANDING– that he treat me with a modicum of respect. How dare I do that? haha!
As hideous as it is, for him to leave you… and move right on into the waiting arms of another woman, I would pity the poor woman. Leopards do not change their spots.
Mark my words, he will cheat on her too. (cheat is an understatement on here!) and you may even find her a comin and a cryin on your very own door step one day! it does happen! But, he will get his… maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but one day… its a mathematical certainty.
In time, he will tire of her and SHE will become YOU– yes, indeed… UNLESS, and this is the caveat… she sells her soul to the devil and aids and abets his addiction.
Those are the only two possibilities (unless he gets help and that isn’t going to happen) and neither of them are anything that I find very appealing.
xo ~ L
Lexie – I love your way with words and how you tell it like it is. Right on.
Hi Ann – I don’t think we have communicated before. I will have to read your’e story.
Nice to meet you.busybee,
I relate to your thoughts and feelings. It is natural to want some sort of justice for what was done to us by the SA. As Diane said, it is never going to happen. I have times when I obsess about whether my ex is going to get “all better” and give some new woman all that I never got. It probably isn’t going to work out that way. He is probably going to go on as he was.
What really helps me is realizing that I do not want to base my happiness on thinking he is still sick. Ultimately, it is not good for me to want him to be having an addicted and horrible life. I won’t find real joy and peace as long as I hold that kind of ill will for another person. I’m not saying that I have been able to let go of all of it, just that when I really face it, it against my beliefs and ethics to get pleasure out of another human being’s misery. I don’t know if I am explaining it well.
BB, maybe, unwittingly, your husband left the divorce decision open for you to take that stand and make it happen as your declaration of independence from him and the whole mess.
The discomfort of feeling discarded is only natural, no matter how dangerous someone has been revealed to be. Forgive the analogy, but its almost like having a rapist walk away saying ‘no thanks’ and wondering why it bugged you. Your mind knows that you dodged a bullet but a part of you says ‘Wait a minute! Really? You can just walk away?’. Take the gift and file baby file.
P.s. Diane, I have really been trying to take the time to get in sync with Easter, finally at 52 and your post really touched me. Thanks
Lexie – as usual you made me 😀
How terrible that you were ‘too real and demanding’ 😉 We really are SO unreasonable, aren’t we? I mean, my poor husband – ‘I didn’t trust him’!!!!!! Why on earth could that be? Years of lies, porn, cybersex, chat lines, god knows what else, financial stress, and (at the point he made this comment) the affair he was having? Really, it’s a miracle he put up with me for so long!!!!!!
Excuse the sarcasm!Lylo, my own personal thoughts on husband not wanting the divorce are 1. money 2. the fact he knows I will cite unreasonable behaviour and bring up his SA, which he will NOT like (he’s already tried to get me to cite adultery – probably because in his mind that makes him a stud and not a loser) and 3. I wonder if (because of our Catholic upbringing etc) he is currently able to have sex with the new girlfriend because ‘it is wrong’ ie he is still married. I wonder if when we are divorced his sexual anorexia may raise it’s head with her because then they are in a ‘normal’ relationship?
All just my humble musings, and ultimately it doesn’t really matter because I WILL file.Bb
busybee – Yes, when he is in a normal relationship again, his sexual anorexia will be there. The SA does everything they can to get us – charming, witty, appears loving, etc. Once they have us, they are back in the arena of not even recognizing we are a “person” to them,” and they continue with the addiction because they can’t deal with the closeness a “normal” relationship brings. Sounds like a love addict to me – they just move from one relationship to another, but again they cannot sustain it so the cycle of addiction repeats itself..
Busybee—let me call you honey
Honey, you got yourself a big ol’ pile of stinky crazy poop with that husband.
enough already. a good lawyer and get everything you need to build a new life.
D.
Lol!
Nice one Diane. I indeed had a big ol’ pile of stinky crazy poop with him! I shall get my lawyer to dump it at his door!It still makes me smile that I can read an entire post and thread and although it’s not my post or relationship that is being discussed or analyzed, I FEEL like it is MINE. Everything that everyone has said or been through or felt, down to the last detail is about me and my SA and I bet I’m not the only one that feels that way! That is why this site is so special and so are all of you ladies! I agree and appreciate every post that was made on this thread! Thank you girls for always validating my feelings! You simply are THE BEST! BB, hang in there!! You are gonna be just fine!! 🙂
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