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Hi sisters,
I am starting to feel bad already about a June 3rd wedding coming up. My hot, kinda sleazy, niece is getting married. I can’t imagine the pain I will experience seeing her and her bridesmaids (probably wearing matching lingerie LOL) and all the other hot guests. My h does not stare at women when we are out, and says he does not do that anymore and wants to be faithful, though he doesn’t take any recovery steps, just stopped acting out. Anyway, he does not comfort me, because he HATES when I bring up the “past.” I really think I need to go to the wedding for several reasons, that I won’t bore you with, but any suggestions on how to cope with all the cuties. The pain will be so rough…I know it. b. trayed
I would be focusing on all the “hot” guys. However, I’m currently single…maybe find people to have really good conversations with and keep yourself busy that way. I know this is hard because my H used to do this too. I would try not to let his addiction take time and enjoyment away from your time at the wedding.
Well, I appreciate your idea. I will have to search long and hard for those interesting people. My in-laws have totally justified his 20 years of betrayal, as well as about 7 other close family members…total dysfunction! Anyway, these people will all be there…and they LOVE to talk to us. Yuck! I really don’t want to go, but I guess I can focus on my daughter, who is singing at the ceremony. My son will be there too. Thanks
Hi b.trayed,
I made a conscious choice at some point that I was not going to let my husband’s view of the world and women affect the way I felt about pretty, intelligent, funny, and amazing young women.I think women are amazing and I really resented that I could and did dread being around them based on his behavior or my past experience with him. I consciously reminded myself that he was the problem, not them. I reminded myself that they were real women with real lives and had done nothing to deserve being reduced to a live pornography for anyone’s pleasure. If you are uncomfortable sitting with your husband during the wedding or reception, go or sit somewhere else and tell him that your triggers are flaring up and that you aren’t able to appreciate these women for the real people that they are while you are sitting next to him, and that is about you…. Not about punishing him. If he’s ogling or flirting, sit somewhere else and tell him your choice is based on his behavior:) do whatever you need to do to feel as comfortable as possible, and if you not hanging with him is embarrassing to him… Then it is. You don’t owe anyone any explanations. Empower yourself… It’s pretty amazing:)
MarieB, if your husband is anything like mine, they don’t have to be necessarily ‘hot’ for the SA to trigger or give inappropriate attention. Women that seek the lustful gaze or eye contact with married men are everywhere and they aren’t all as obvious as these young ‘ladies’ may seem to be. It’s a losing battle to try to dodge them. I would however tell him in a non confrontational way how you are feeling without any demands so that he will hopefully choose to protect you from discomfort. And I would wear something great. For yourself.
Hi b.trayed,
My husband used to desert me at his company Christmas parties, usually to talk to the cute secretaries and file clerks. I decided after about 3-4 of these, I just wasn’t going to go to any more. It was too painful and I felt abandoned and therefore wasn’t much fun. I wish you didn’t have to put yourself in the situation…maybe there will be someone who is healthy you can talk to.thank you sisters…I cherish your responses…I am encouraged. And NAP maybe I could talk to my mentor on Tuesday about it…great idea! I so appreciate everyone’s input…it sure doesn’t feel so lonely.
When my daughter got married about a year ago at age 19, she had so many young cute friends/guests. I never thought I would make it through her wedding. (Almost had my sweet therapist work on-site, just in case I needed her! Never did though.) Anyway, miraculously, I was not really triggered and I enjoyed the day. I am amazed when I look back. Maybe this wedding will be the same; I kinda doubt it though. I was really involved with my daughters and all our guests, but at my niece’s wedding, I will just be a spectator. Also, I think I will get a new dress, shoes, and get my hair done, so I feel good about myself. I try to stay pretty conservative, because I don’t want to tempt other men…you know, the golden rule… thanks again!
Hi b, don’t think we’ve spoken before. Welcome to the site. Do treat yourself! You deserve it! Whilst I agree that women should not go around flaunting themselves at men, it is not your responsibility to dress in a certain way so that they won’t be tempted. It’s their responsibility to behave in a decent, respectful way. They are the ones with the problem, not you. x
Hi Betrayed,
Welcome to the sisterhood.In what i have read, its not what you wear exactly as much if you feel good in what you are wearing. And if you feel good in what you are wearing, then you will happy about it and present in a confident way. So I think you should dress however you like. Clearly you would not wear a hooker dress, but you can wear a very pretty flattering dress. You don’t have to dress trampy to be eye candy anyway; but that is the mens probelm not yours. And the ones who gawk….well we know what they are. Easy detector.
B-trayed,
I know what it feels like to tell your husband that something is bothering you and have him not offer any comfort. It would help me in a situation like that wedding to concentrate on why I am there — to support your niece, to show the family you care, etc. I figure that if I have a good time, that is gravy. If not, then at least I did what I thought was right by going. Remember, your husband’s sexual problems have nothing to do with whether there are young, hot women around. It has nothing to do with how you look. His problems come from inside his own sick self. You are a wonderful, beautiful, loving woman and the heck with his twisted view of the world.
Polly
B-trayed,
I know what it feels like to tell your husband that something is bothering you and have him not offer any comfort. It would help me in a situation like that wedding to concentrate on why I am there — to support your niece, to show the family you care, etc. I figure that if I have a good time, that is gravy. If not, then at least I did what I thought was right by going. Remember, your husband’s sexual problems have nothing to do with whether there are young, hot women around. It has nothing to do with how you look. His problems come from inside his own sick self. You are a wonderful, beautiful, loving woman and the heck with his twisted view of the world.
Polly
Hi B-trayed,
It sounds like there’s a whole gang who’ve decided to scapegoat you, not just your SA. I think the energy they bring into your life is toxic.
When I approach hard days or events, I try to make a plan. That includes things that will help me feel good about myself. Can you get a manicure the day of the wedding? Plan your outfit right down to the underwear. Take a long soapy bath before getting dressed. Hog the bathroom. If you can’t afford a new dress or shoes, try a new pair of earrings or purse. SA’s like us to feel ugly so that we look crummy and then they feel justified. Also, family who know like to critique us so that it’s really because “we let ourselves go”. Plan your day around yourself. By the time you get there you won’t care about them. But I have also scripted myself, on occasion. Yes, this is sad, but it helps me. I think of one line conversation shut downs to use with people I don’t want to talk about. Like if a family member makes reference to my marriage troubles, I would plan lines like:
“It’s my niece’s wedding day. I don’t think talking about her uncle’s sex addiction adds to the day.”
“In spite of my husband’s sex addiction and my experience of betrayal in marriage, I still believe there’s hope for others who are married.”
“How nice you are concerned about my husband’s sex addiction. I don’t speak for him, but feel free to ask him how his recovery is going.”The key here is to NOT respond to any questions or remarks that ask something of you. Always respond in reference to your husband’s sex addiction. DO NOT respond about you at all.
YOu might also choose to sit with children or young people. That way no one will be likely to say anything too personal.
Similarly choose to sit with older people. Or, look for someone who is also standing alone. Go over and introduce yourself and stick together. I have found that looking for someone else who seems a little at loose ends is often just the ticket. They have a story too, and often are so grateful that you end up with a new friend.But here’s the best part. Polly reminded me of this last week when I was dreading my 31st wedding anniversary. Sometimes the day is actually not that bad after all. Sometimes the dread is worse than the day. So making plans changes the dread to action, and maybe that helps. My 31st anniversary was a busy day with lots of work meetings and phone calls to friends etc. It came and went without a single tear.
Above all, stand up straight, walk tall, and be a peace with your own quietness. Deny feeling bad, if anyone suggests you do, and throw it back at them “Oh, are you having a hard time in your marriage again? I’m so sorry for you”. That always shuts them up.
you go girl, we got your back.
love,
D.I am encouraged…and I planned on getting AT LEAST a new dress and shoes…but after all your encouragement maybe I will get new undies, bra, earrings…and who knows what else! Again, I cherish every plan, every idea…I never thought of many of those options. I am sooooooo grateful, with tears still in my eyes, that I can chat with you all about this and future stresses and even rush back the day after these events to find more support. This kind of support is something totally new in my life. I have longed for it. Since my h fits the description of a total narcissist, he will always look like the good guy, because image is everything. He will never have an enemy, never make the kids mad, always complement our friends, and I have come to accept/am struggling to accept that people will NEVER believe how he has treated me all these years…they can’t wrap their minds around it, and simply don’t want to. Looks are deceiving. Interestingly, he is a great artist; he went to art school and is very talented…now I think “con-artist.” LOL I guess you just have to laugh sometimes. THANKS FOR YOUR HELP!!!!!
Two questions:
1. Anyone know how to respond to a close relative (at the upcoming wedding) who pretends they care, but from past experience has thrown me under the bus, smiling and saying “I love you” the entire time? For example, with a look of total concern, a cousin Jodi will probably ask, “Oh, how are YOU doing, I know you have been struggling?” (Unfortunately I pleaded with several people to believe me and understand the severity of what my h did, with no success in the past. I don’t want to plead anymore. These people are TOTALLY unsafe. Any piece of info is always twisted to my detriment.) Any responses you can think of in this situation with a person like Jodi???2. My daughter, who is married and 21 and has totally sided with her wonderful father, asks me all the time the standard, “How ya doing,” like we all do to each other. I try to not answer and switch it to her and get an update on how she is. Should I tell her everyday is unbearable? Should I tell her it is harder than fighting cancer, but at least with that battle I had support? Or should I be mature and keep her out of our marital problems, and just say I am good???…I just like to be real, ya know? Any comments would be appreciated.
Hugs,
b. trayed#1, Respond as I suggested. NOT about you. But as “It’s my niece’s wedding day, I don’t want to talk about my husband’s sex addiction”.
#2. to your daughter– “THank you for caring, but I’m not comfortable talking with you about your father’s sex addiction, especially not on a day of celebration.”Yes, they didn’t say sex addiction. They want it to be about you. You have to name what it is really about. And then they will shut up.
gotta run!
D.I agree with Diane’s responses totally. In fact, I’m going to use them myself. Also, another good one when people ask you a personal question that makes you uncomfortable is: “Why do you ask?”
Yes b. Name it!
Bring it out of the darkness! No more secrets. No more protecting. No more enabling. Never, ever be afraid to speak the truth.
If he won’t face what he is and what he has done, that’s his decision. But, it’s your decision not to enable his abuse by protecting him.
He should be protecting you.
I’m going against the other sisters’ opinions on this, but I don’t think a family wedding is the time to get involved with touchy conversations. I say you be the classy one and just be polite. The heck with all of them and whatever they are thinking. You don’t have to protect your husband, but I think you will feel better about yourself if you don’t get into all of it on someone else’s big day. I say channel Grace Kelly. Cool and beautiful !
Hi b, and Welcome! I too will be attending a wedding, this coming weekend. My lovely stepdaughter is getting married to a really nice guy. I thought I was just having the ‘I’m married to the sex addict’ heebeejeebies, but it’s so nice to know that I’m not alone. I’ve already spoken to my h about the particular women I know will be attending…a life long friend who has lost her husband recently, and whom my h has always fixated on…as well as his ex-sister-in-law who he has always fixated on as well. Anyway, surprisingly he admitted to doing that with these two particular women all these years, and told me he is now aware of it and will do his best to not fall back into the same old pattern. We’ll see if the leopard can change it’s spots. I believe he will put to use all he as learned of late, and not cause me to trigger or feel anxious. But, I’m already so anxious about this weekend even though I’ve been trying to take care of me and do what everyone else advises. I’m trying to focus on the day and my daughter and the great people who will be there, but it’s oooh so hard.
{A little background on me, I’m one who is choosing to stay after many years and see him through this latest phase of a new therapist and trying one more time to work his way through the recovery process. The past couple months I’ve seen some real effort, and progress, and honesty on his part. But it has been difficult to say the least.}
Stay strong sister, and listen to everyone elses advice because they really are very wise and do have some good stuff to say.
Ms-LindyWhat an absolutely wonderful suggestion Polly. Grace Kelly, what a lovely image for b. to hold in her mind as she graciously smiles at everyone.
They will all go home wondering what she is thinking.
You know you have a Facebook problem with you read things on other sites and go to click “Like”. But there have been so many things on this therad that I wanted to “like”…..starting with Diane’s advice. Love it! I know this is an old thread, but I just had to add that.
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