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Hi Sisters,
As you likely know I was forced into ending my relationship with my SAH because he changed the locks and filed for divorce. This was just 2 weeks after I asked for transparency and boundries, which he was so excited to do. I can tell you I feel 100% healthier being away from him and all his madness. My husband, in addition to the addiction, was significantly mentally ill, and was getting quite scary so it was a blessing in disquise… I just want to give others hope who may be thinking about ending their relationships and starting over. I’m 52 and I’m excited for my future. Yes, it was difficult at first and I’m having to make some big decisions, but it feels so great to be free of the addiction and all it entails…it feels really good!Hi NAP,
Me too. I fell so much better, and once the divorce is over, I can stop living with that little bit of fear in the back of my head…which says i will be left pennyless and lose my house.So things are looking up. I have been able to get a mortgage (although will not scream yes, until the papers are signed), we have made it through our temporary orders, we have arranged the visitation schedule (which stays the same, no over nights, and he did not ask), we have joint custody however i am the primary residence. Really at this point things could not be going any better.
It will be great when we are actually split financially and the divorce is over. I can them begin to move on with my life. But even in this state of limbo and the divorce; its still better than living with a sex addict.
And like NAP it feels really good. No more worrying about how his meeting went, did he act out today, is he lieing, did he go to his therapist, is the therapy working, no worries about how his school is going, if he will get fired from his job, if he will be able to get a job when he is done with school?? None of these are present as seperate. None of this worries would be present with a fully functioning adult. And I do not feel sex addicts are fully there or fully functioning adults. Because they have that crutch called an addiction.
Hi friends,
I have been living in my own place by myself for a year and 2 weeks. Getting out from the pall of my SA’s awful energy has been liberating. Being safe in my own place, knowing he can’t wreck it with porn and lies and abusing me emotionally and psychologically with his cruelty has been really great. I love not having to have any part in his meetings and appts and blahblahblah—don’t know where he is, how it’s going, etc. The whole thing—I just hated it. Hated it. Whether he was acting out or in recovery he just sucked the life out of me. I just felt I had the right to a daily life without his shit in my face all the time.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have rotten days, when I realize I lost a family home where my sons would want to come because it was their home, or when I look ahead and see my life working working working because I will not be able to retire –right now I’m hoping for age70, or when I just don’t have anyone to tell the funny thing that just popped into my head. It’s still very hard.But not having the cloud of his bad energy is still worth every decision I made.
And I cry less often.
love,
D.It was a little over one year ago that my divorce was final. It was agony, and I questioned my decision many times. My feet are back on the ground now, and I am happy most of the time. I am 61, and of course at times I get sad about maybe living the rest of my life alone, etc. etc., but mostly life is good.
One thing I wanted to say to those of you trying to decide whether to stay or go: The biggest torture is that feeling that you still love his good side. That tore at my heart for a long time. It doesn’t anymore. I don’t love him anymore, and I don’t hate him anymore either. Being away from all that sickness (I didn’t know what the sickness was for most of the time) and being around healthy, normal people gradually made it more and more clear how twisted up inside he really is. You get used to a lot of the crap when you are living with it. but when you are truly away from it, you see how bad it really was. And you stop longing for him or even loving him. After you are away from it, you can’t believe all that you had to deal with.
Don’t get me wrong, it was agony getting here, but I am good now. And I think that saying no to being treated like that has given me a confidence that I never had before.
Polly
I am in the beginning stages of divorcing my SAH after agonizing over the decision to do so. Something in your post really resonated with me. The feeling that I still love his good side. He is not a monster. He is tortured by his addiction. He is not happy. I sometimes feel I am abandoning him in a time of need and I struggle with the truth that I can not fix him or really even help him. This has to be his responsibility and I can hope for his success but I can not hold his hand through his process. I am sad. I will always care about him but it is time to take care of myself. I do not hate him.
I hope to someday be at peace with my decision.I feel for you, ellend. I had all those feelings. It is heart-breaking to watch someone you love self-destruct. I went through a million phases to get to where I am now. It won’t be easy, but hang in here with us. I can promise you the view will look different from the other side of the mountain. Write me a message if you think it would help to talk one-on-one.
It just occurred to me that a major change took place in my heart when I saw how selfish and unethical my ex was when it came right down to the divorce. It made him seem less like a poor man with a disease and more like a selfish jerk. It is sad, but I fear these guys start to become the disease.
Hi courageous sisters,
I am proud of all of you. The decisions you have had to make must have been so difficult. To think we started our lives with our husbands at the marriage ceremony with what we thought were the same values of unity and commitment, only to end like this…so sad. We never asked for this, did we? I am so thankful we can share this unanticipated journey together. We are the wounded in a war we were drafted into. For some, this war has at least died down, or perhaps ended. (Personally, I am waiting on God to determine if I should stay, separate, or go.) Lots of hugs, B. Trayed
Dear All
I am really encouraged by all of your posts. I get so absolutely frightened to death, I freeze and stay. Or get roped into “hope” that he’s progressing–? only to be disappointed. it makes me so happy to hear there is a real life out there for us, once our feet have landed. love, hugs. Please keep me in your prayers– for strength to make a good and wise decision, and to discern truth from lies
love all—Hi all,
Thanks so much for sharing. I think its good to hear what life is like on the “other side”. Sometimes, relationships have to end and its really a good thing when they are so toxic and painful. Especially when the addict can’t even achieve sobriety like mine could not. I wish everyone the best and much peace with your choices and decisions. Let your life flow………love, napIt is so good to hear that you can be at peace with your decision. It really gives me hope. I am still at a cross road, with all the turmoil, and I keep trying to decide which is the healthier path. I think I know. It is not the easier path and I will miss the good parts terribly. One step at a time.
NAP,
I’m so very proud of you. You went through some really difficult times. Sure there will be more difficulties ahead but you will be able to handle them with a much more clear outlook on life. All that addiction crap and mind games that used to clog your brain are gone and you can think clearly now. It was a blessing in disguise, but I think you would have filed anyway, he just wanted to beat you to it because he has the mind of a child and he had to win (in his mind). It’s sad that he has so many psychological problems and hopefully someday he will get help for that, but right now that’s not your problem. Your job now is to take care of you and be the one healthy parent your daughter can lean on. Lots of love NAP.hadj608,
I understand what you are saying because I was at the crossroads too for a long time. It is the good things which make it hard to decide. For me, there was so much bad I had to endure just to get a few good things, the crumbs he would throw me now and them. I would really fall for them hook, line, and sinker. Now I realize they were used to keep me in his sick world. It is one step at a time and I wish you all the best, just realize there are healthy options always and ending a bad relationship is not bad, it’s good!cbslife,
Thanks for your supportive post and your friendship. You are a true survivor of difficult times and I know you will always keep yourself in a healthy place. I plan to do exactly what you stated, take care of me and my daughter. Keep myself healthy inside and out! love, napHi All,
In regards to the “crumbs” and poor treatment. I think the change in our relationships happens so ever slowly and eventually we see it for what it is. The “good” things that keep us hooked, that we barely see, are part of a normal relationship. But at the time we are so greatful just to get that crumb (which is a perice of bread), it is enough to fill our world for about a heartbeat or a day. The crumbs are to keep us somewhat in line and there, but then we wake-up and realize that it is just not enough. The SA can get on board and try, or you split. But I guess the major point is that the crumbs that we get….are crumbs from a whole peice of bread that a normal relationship with a whole human being would be, less the addiction. So my goal is to not just get crumbs, but to get the whole piece of bread.As I was driving today for work, i was remembering about when i made my boundaries for my SA. It had the usual stuff (subsitiute no for will not accept), no sex with others, no lying, no porn and the kicker the one he said he could not do….was to be an equal partner. My request was for him to be an equal partner with talking, finances, household work…in other words a partnership that would have equated to intimacy. And he said that would be hard and he would “try”. Well it never happened, i waited about 6 months. The other thing I requested was transparancy for him to turn over banks statements, be accountable for his time…you know the drill. He never did it. Someone who really cares for you and really wants to make it work together, will do these things. They will want to help you get better, and if this is what your requests are then so be it, they should do it.
It is sad that so many of us sisters (myslef included) have lived a hard life up to this point. But it is at this point, turning point, where we can possibly learn from our mistakes and use this as a catalyst for change wether it be in the relationship or to start over.
Love,
FloraHi Flora,
I love what you wrote (and always do). I just want to add that sometimes as women we have “backward thinking”. Leaving an unhealthy relationship, (cheating, lying, deception sometimes for years, secrets, no true honesty, risk of life threatening illness, damage to our sense of self, damage to children, financial losses due to the addiction, threat of violence (in my case, likely others), no true transparency, no true intimacy, and more…) is a GOOD thing to do. If we take all the negative energy we expend trying to live with these men, leave them, and turn that energy into positive energy for a healthy life for us….that’s a GOOD thing!
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