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I’m going to post this message in this group. I posted it in the ”new members section”. I just joined so I am trying to figure out the site…
For 55 days I’ve listened everyday to my SA, recount memories from the past, fantasies/images/thoughts for each day (some days 2 or 3 others 12 or more). He’s been acting out since age 6. The therapist says he’s a level 3, per Carnes book, it’s all just too much to take in. I’m a very strong woman. But this is pressing my limits. So sad that a young boy would do things that like to himself and to animals and to his other kids. And then as an adult to others and himself, sigh. All of it. What was so sad about reading the book, it was the only way for me to learn about the person I have committed my life too. Because I don’t know him at all. I was happy to have some understanding and so very sad at the same time.
I am in constant prayer, sometimes on my knees…other times just shouting out. I know the only reason I am able to make each day, is by the grace of God. I have friends, they are married couple, very strong Christians that I have known since I was a teenager. They have been a support to me at times, when I felt I had hit my limit. I tried telling my best friend, but she just couldn’t hear anymore and I hadn’t really gotten to the ”bad” parts. I understand, you can’t understand. My SA has recently accepted Jesus into his life. Though it’s not the ”cure all”. He’s going to SAA meetings (3 so far) and sees a therapist. He WANTs to get better, he’s trying. We want to go to a 3 day intensive. Mostly because he’s so out of control with his thoughts and to find a start to healing us. He literally can’t leave the house. He barely makes it at work. He’s like a caged animal. He had to write a contact with the therapist not to kill himself. He’s a bit better, but its a struggle. I have been his only day to day support. It’s diffcult to support someone, when you need your own support. I am a giver, and sometimes it’s too much. Our hopes is that the 3 day intensive gives some direction, not a cure, but something more than what we have right now. He’s so new at the SAA meetings, he’s asked for a sponsor but doesn’t have one yet. So we both feel lost at times about this day to day stuff.
I had no idea about him until the day I began to find out he is a SA. He was so quiet, shy, nice, respectful when I met him. His family is great (they are in shock and denial). He’s really only had one 3 month relationship his entire life. He had random sex (no more than 10), but he waited so long to have sex that I thought…well, I guess he was making up for lost time. He has always had a low sex drive (or so I thought). I have a high sex drive. So he’s been to the dr and everything was normal. He took herbs…that didn’t help. And now I know, this is it. And the things he has done, well some of them are just beyond me. His entire life he’s been alone, with his porn and himself. That’s his reality. He has no skills, no people skills, no personal skills, no relationship skills. Just selfish, disgusting skills. And now with him out of control in his mind, like the flood gates have been opened, the reality of his SA is in my face. For me, its the dangerous abusive things he has engaged in. I’m a pretty open person, but these press me.
This is personal, and I feel awkward sharing, but at this point…what else have I got? Over the past 2 months since the breaking news, we have had sex 4 times. He has had visuals of woman he has had sex with each time. 3 times the same one, and the fourth was different. It’s the woman that’s been with us 3 times that’s so painful. We have discussed & he’s discussed with therapist. First he told us that it was that he used her for sex and he has used me in the same way. They met online, he drove out of state, he was disappointed when he saw her as she didnt look the same in her picture, he said he felt HORRIBLE afterward they had sex, but did it nonetheless. BUT, he made plans to have sex again with her when she came to his town. He picked her up late, they had sex, slept for a few hours then he dropped her off. They talked for a coule of weeks and then he told her he wanted to see other people (because he wasn’t attracted to her). He and I met through my sister, we talked for a few months, became friends and then started a relationship. His first point as to why she keeps popping in his head when we have sex….he says he feels he has used me for sex, like he used her. Obviously. He did actually talk to her for a couple of months, which is not his normal in his acting out, usually just about sex…no conversation. So his second point was that he actually was talking to her, like he talked to me, trying to start a relationship. He kinda liked her online, thier conversations, but not physically. I was accepted his ”reasonings”, ready to move on. So last night, he tells me he needs to talk. He tells me he has thought of another reason why she keeps coming up. I say a quick prayer and brace myself as always. He says, when he saw her he was disappointed with her physically. He then tells me, when he saw me naked for the first time he was disappointed. (FYI – I’ve had 3 kids, 3-sections) He says my breasts weren’t full, my scar disappointed him and lastly, that my vagina (labia stick out a little, sorry…a lot of information. nothing abnormal, as we are all different) disappointed him and these are a ”partial turn-off). That he loves that I am a ”trophy wife” (apparently clothed), but he was expecting a porn star clothless. SIGH, and then I heard noise for a few minutes, I have no idea what he said. I asked him if he has been disappointed with everyone he had sex with. And I knew the answer, and yes, everyone he has ever been with. Her breasts were far apart, she was overweight, breasts too small, a guy he met online, he had a belly and wasn’t in shape blah blah blah. I’m very logical in general and have read so much on this ”disease” and try to understand. As confident as I am, despited his daily comments/fantasies, etc…I am still a woman. I was calm during the discussion. But I couldn’t sleep with him and I don’t have a desire too.
My SA is not super attractive. But I am not about outward apperances. People have always said, he must be such a nice person (not wanting to say you are so out of his league) and some others have said I could have done better. I always dismissed those comments. But now, all I see his ugliness inside and out. Yesterday morning, I was committed to work on this. To do whatever it took, to go the extra mile since he is committed to do that. Now, well I don’t care and don’t want too.
Sorry this is so long. And if I have jumped around, well my thoughts are everywhere today.
mdd209-Welcome to our site. You will find love and support from all of us here.
Your’e SA has a lot of characteristics of mine. When you say, “He loves that I am a “trophy wife-apparently clothed” really rang a bell. My husband constantly looks for imperfections with my body all the time. He finds stretch marks undesireable, as he did with his 1st wife who bore him 5 children, and will not look at my body when nude.
If you will read on the addiction site – it seems most of these SA’s are cheating on women who are totally beneath them. It makes them feel more powerful, in control, and they don’t have to fear rejection from them.
I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. It is heartbreaking. One thing about this site is that we can all say we can empathize with your feelings.
Keep in touch with us, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.Dear Michelle
it sounds just awful, and you’ve hardly begun to share your story. Your SA sounds like a deeply damaged human being. It is highly unlikely that he got that way all on his own. I think there’s trouble in his childhood and it’s more than his own doing. So I have some compassion for him, but none for his abusive treatment of you. It’s appalling and unacceptable.I am a person of deep faith, with a committed life in a religious tradition—please do not imagine even for a second that you can cope with his illness, his cruelty, his recovery process because “God wants you to”. This man did not take vows he could ever keep, and at some level he knew that. And now he is dragging you into a dark hole of abuse, where you are likely to become the ongoing scapegoat. You can not fix him. Please get your OWN therapist, trained in trauma specialty, with knowledge of sex addiction.
I am really glad he is trying to get his own life back, and is doing the work. He deserves to live a life where joy and truth are possible for him. But you also deserve to live that way.
If you aren’t going to leave (at least for now), may I suggest you set some kind of timeline for yourself—when you will intentionally re-examine the quality of your own life and the kind of abuse you have been undergoing.
It’s a big learning curve. One thing at a time. The LIght is always with you and within you.
D.Hi Michelle,
I feel the heartache in your words. It is just so weird to have all of this information thrown on us. It is hard to digest everything let alone believe that it is really happening to us. Sometimes I feel like I am in robot mode. Just going through doing the actions of life feeling like I am in some kind of warp zone.
I think that you are handling things very well considering what you have been through. I was not able to get close to my husband after D day. He is now living in a different house. It is just to much for me to wrap my mind around. I have researched and learned so much about SA and this has helped me to understand and put things into perspective. It does not hurt the broken heart though. How hurtful for you that he said that he did not find you physically attractive. Really? I mean after all he has put you through with all of this SA crap and on top of that he wants to tell you your not physically attractive to him? I get that it is part of the whole addict thing. He is so used to fake images of woman that when he sees a real woman he is not attracted to it. So how is telling you this supposed to help with your relationship with him, if you still want one? I just feel like this is just more of the same “poor little me” crap that these guys portray. That might be a good post. What kind of “poor little me” crap did your SA pull? HUH?Anyway, I am so happy you found this site. So sorry that you are going through this. I am here for you if I can be any help.
Keep strong for you!!!!
Hugs, CindyMichelle,
Welcome to our sisterhood. I’m sorry for your horrible pain. I can’t imagine listening to the kinds of things you have listened to. In regard to you husband telling you about his disappointments with your body, it strikes me as totally abusive and total bullshit. It seems to me that he sound be telling this stuff to a counselor, not you. There is no way anyone could take what you are taking. I think you are being traumatized over and over every day. I ‘m not sure what to say except that it seems to me that his sharing all this with you is extremely inappropriate. You don’t have to listen to this stuff, and you certainly don’t have to be understanding. He is being cruel to you.We are here for you.
Polly
Michelle,
Welcome…I am so sorry we all meet under these circumstances. I can only image what you are going through…post traumatic stress, to say the least. I only have a minute, but we care about you and are so happy to call you sis. Wish we could all cry together and exchange hugs, but we can support each other with words of compassion, and of course, prayers. Sincerely, B. TrayedWelcome to the sisterhood, although I’m sorry you have to be here. The trauma of being married to a SA is devastating and takes a toll on our minds, body and soul. Having to re-live these traumas on a daily basis is maddening, and I send you all the love and support that I can. You have a lot to take in right now and your emotions will be all over the place; I know this, for my first d-day was just about a year ago, and I’m still reeling with it and trying to cope. Unfortunately due to circumstances {mostly financial and health} I am stuck with my SA in the same house and I have to try and hold it together for my 2 year old daughter. It is very difficult. I went through the “I want to help him because he needs it” phase, but that quickly dissipated once I realized that there is no helping him, for he doesn’t want to be helped. Just wanted you to know that you’re not alone, we all understand, and we are here for you.
Welcome to the sisterhood, although I’m sorry you have to be here. The trauma of being married to a SA is devastating and takes a toll on our minds, body and soul. Having to re-live these traumas on a daily basis is maddening, and I send you all the love and support that I can. You have a lot to take in right now and your emotions will be all over the place; I know this, for my first d-day was just about a year ago, and I’m still reeling with it and trying to cope. Unfortunately due to circumstances {mostly financial and health} I am stuck with my SA in the same house and I have to try and hold it together for my 2 year old daughter. It is very difficult. I went through the “I want to help him because he needs it” phase, but that quickly dissipated once I realized that there is no helping him, for he doesn’t want to be helped. Just wanted you to know that you’re not alone, we all understand, and we are here for you.
Thank you all, so much. We met with the C yesterday afternoon. C said, ENOUGH with dumping on me. C advised him to go to more meetings so he can talk there. As far as my body, some mental “relief” that really it’s everyone he’s ever been with, everyone has been a disappointment in some way. He really believes he can have the airbrushed p star. Just makes it that much clearer on how sick/twisted/evil his mind is. It’s like having a very disabled child, mentally (the only way I can describe it).
C told him he is fueling his addiction, just shifting gears, with his constant obsessive thoughts. I think he was shocked. And then by dumping on me…still fueling his SA, recounting every sexual thought/image of the day (aside from his comments about my body).
He’s not sleeping with me, per my request. I need some time. Not even sure how much, and I guess that doesn’t matter. I actually enjoy when he is gone to his SAA meeting or his C visits. I can do things I like, without worrying about him. I completely shut SA down in my mind. Just so I can breath and have a little normalcy. I have already set boundaries with him, but added a few more yesterday. He takes advantage of the fact that I am organized and good at making things happen (he takes advantage of me in everyway). He needs to make this happen, his recovery…and let me have mine.
The C was so happy I have joined this group. Even asking me what the general comments were after my posting yesterday.
Thank you all.
Hi Michelle!
Well he can just keep dreamin! I doubt the airbrushed p stars don’t look PERFECT in the flesh!! Of course there are those extremely (and rare) drop dead gorgeous people in the world, but they are few and far between. I’m sure they have their own issues with how people react to them every where they go (staring, whispering, ODB’S (old dirty bastards) hitting on them, etc.) I mean, don’t get me wrong, I would probably trade my “ok” looks to be drop dead gorgeous, but the point is, it isn’t necessary to feel that way. We are born who we are. I am in the process of accepting myself for who I am (once I find me again!) And I know I will because I remember me from a long, long time ago and I liked me! I AM MAKING A COME BACK!! Lol! We each need to look within ourselves and embrace our strengths as well as our weaknesses and not only be satisfied with who we are/see but be proud too!!
Michelle, I don’t know how old you are but I believe you said you have been married about 5 years? I understand that this is all new to you and of course you want to give your husband a chance to “get fixed” or fix himself (you can’t possibly begin to do it!) but please be sure to use this time to take care of yourself and your needs – across the board – and research this addiction (it sounds like you have been doing that already).
Not all, but I think most of us eventually come to the conclusion that it truly is a hopeless battle and we have to do what we have to do to make sure that we spend the rest of our lives in a happier place with people who truly love us for who we are and most importantly respect us as well.
As you will learn, there ARE those who recover but they are so few and far between and it takes years of hard work. I hope your husband falls into the 5% of men who actually change, if that is what you desire. Only you can answer that question.
I have spent 17 years dealing with this mess. I have only known about SA for about 4 months, but it has been 17 years of mind games, confusion, tears, and all to find out that I was dealing with an SA. At least it all started coming together in my mind once I knew the truth, I just don’t want that to happen to you. If you get a chance, go to the STORIES forum and read “Read It and Weep”. That is my personal story. I don’t want to see you wasting 17 years of your precious life on an addict that doesn’t deserve you, if he should decide not to do the hard work.
Good luck, Sister! My thoughts are with you!!
Love, your friend, Silver Lining……Michelle,
I’m so glad your C told him to stop dumping his crappy thoughts on you. Sounds like you have a counselor that “gets it”.As for the criticism of your body, I think that the SA runs us down to justify their actions. “My wife drove me to drink” It’s an old addict trick. It’s tough to recover from that kind of slam, but remember it doesn’t have anything to do with you. My C once told me that it is common for family members of a person with a mental illness to catch what he calls “Mental illness cooties” Brush those cooties off as often as it takes. You are good and loving and beautiful !!!!!!!
Polly
Hi Michelle, thank you for sharing. As Diane told me when I first joined the original site, the positive is finally having all the pieces to the puzzle that is your marriage. Your eyes are wide open now and it sounds like you are proactive about seeking help. Please be prepared for the roller-coaster as there are days or moments when you have relative peace that can abruptly shift to rage or despair. Those feelings will pass too if you embrace the tools to manage them. Hugs and prayers to you. Lylo
Silver-lining – What’s confusing to me, (and I don’t go around saying this as its ridiculous) I have “above” average looks. Men stare everyday, men stop in the mall or in the store and want to have a drink, while I’m working out, men I have met text and email me wanting to get together, the dirty old men (YIKES)…it’s my everyday. When my SA and I are together, he sees it/witnessed it. I told him early on, I can’t deal with a jealous man, been there done that. At first it was difficult for him (he’s really not that attractive on the outside, but I thought he was a good person, and I don’t care at ALL about looks). Since it’s so frequent, I think it got used to it. And he sees how it makes me feel, which is not good. My childrens friends tell them, you’re mom is hot. I even had one of them ask me out (very disturbing). It’s nuts. The C yesterday told my SA, I have never met anyone as beautiful as your wife. I never say things like this, because I don’t look at the outside. I love people, I love the differences we have in all ways.
So it has been so confusing for me. I want my husband to give me that attention that perfect strangers do. I hate the rest (it’s annoying really) probably because I don’t get it for him, my husband. C said, I know you know what you look like…but he will break you down, little by little over time. What’s so bizarre, he has actually said (at times) right now, you look like a p star. BLAH, hate saying that.
I do hope he is the 5%. But if he’s not, he’s not. I know I am not in control.
Hi Michelle,
It’s disturbing he uses porn stars as his point of reference for beauty. I agree with your C. They will pick your attributes and tear you down for them to make themselves feel better. It could be likely (just a guess) that he resents your beauty because it’s very striking and everyone notices. Instead of enjoying you for you, including your beauty, he may punish you (passive aggressively) for it. It sounds twisted, however, their thinking is very twisted. Please read the book, The Sociopath Next Door, it helped me to understand my XSAH and all his sadistic ways.
your friend, napNAP – that’s what the C said about him. That he resents me. I will read the book. I have so many things to read and take it.
Hi Michelle,
Wow you have been through alot, we all have. Its really hard to make sense of something that is just out there.But with an SA it is really out there. My SA is the same he was into porn, the fake bodies perfect, etc. etc. I am not, but I am not unattracitve either (atleast that is what I think anyway). But anyway it appears what you want most from him besides many things, if to be needed and wanted and adored. This may not be possible with an SA. Even if getting rid of the acting out…he may never hop that fence to be this man you really want. It appears you are not able to get the attention you want, from the only man you would actually want it from. We have all talked about a book called intimacy anorexia, and it is only for order online through the authors website. But the short of it is, that the intimacy anorexic will never give you what you want, and thus withholds intimacy from himself. So that would be the porn, degrading comments to you, etc; that keep you away.
Its hard living in the SA world, because all you want is to be loved, but instead all of this other crap gets in the way. You may never be loved or cherished the way you would like from him. Only time will tell, and only alot of hard work on his part. Many of them don’t bother to do the hard work, as there is another women right behind you in the line up another one to take your place. If he is a sociopath he is unable to have any kind of emotional attachement to you. Thus, you are easily replacable.
The whole goal in the start is to get in some place where you feel safe, comfortable and not stressed. I also used to enjoy when the SA was gone, and eventually felt it was not enough, so i kicked him out. Only then did i feel safe and at peace. Don’t be afraid to do what you need to do. I should have kicked my SA out at the start. But did not dare for fear of what family would think and ripping the family unit apart. In the end it was what I had to do for myself. Keep all of you roptions open, don;t do anything just because it is what you should do…..but only if you want to do it. So that is your new mantra. What do I want and what do I want to do.
Good luck to you michelle hope you stick with us. Love,
FloraMichelle,
First of all, you are indeed a very beautiful young woman. I may have missed some other info, but I gather that you have children with this man.
I understand your faith, but please also understand that a SA will “hide” behind pseudo-faith. Lots of SAs go to church and accept Jesus into their lives. All of it is meaningless and in the larger context makes a mockery of those with a genuine and abiding faith in God and his love.
Sponsors, I’m afraid… very often… I have heard so many stories… sicker than sick. Now, I’m not saying all, but its kinda like the blind leading the blind.
A 3-day intensive is a waste of time and money. useless, except for the people who are taking the $$$. This disorder, if there is ANY chance whatsoever, takes YEARS and YEARS to treat and even then, the prognosis is only 5% that will make it. Which group do you suppose he falls in? 5% or 95%?
I feel sickened when I hear him complain about your precious and undeniable beauty… Of course, ALL heads turn when you walk into a room!!! You are absolutely stunning! And its ALL beautiful and I know there’s a man out there who would appreciate you and love you the way you need and deserve to be loved and cherished.
If he’s been a SA since he was six, I can tell you that the neural pathways in his fekked up brain have about a less than zero chance of being taken over by more healthy ones. He is brain damaged. Difficult as it is, to understand, an important piece of his effed up BRAIN is missing as it never was able to develop normally. Its the piece that is truly able to love and empathize. It is simply not there, and he has become adept at faking it. He is a sociopath and all the prayer in the world isn’t going to make him a whole man ever again. And he’s not even good looking. So, what does he have? not very much, I’m afraid and he knows it too. He gets off on hurting you and others. So, he’s a sadist too. ick. I’m really sorry for this unbearable misfortune.
No one can ever tell you what you must do…its a process, but it doesn’t take much to read between the lines.
I wish you nothing but the best and much strength as you navigate these very treacherous waters.
All my best and love,
Lexie
Michelle,
I read your original post again and I’d have to say I “ditto” Lexie’s last post to you. Your H is a very addicted man and his brain’s pathways are well established. He’s been thinking like this for a very long time and it would take years to change his pathways. His telling you the things he’s thinking is like your C says, he’s getting some sadistic pleasure out of it at your expense. So unhealthy for you on so many levels. I would also be concerned about your children being exposed to his unacceptable behavior. I’m sorry for all the pain he has and is causing you. You do not deserve it. You sound like a smart lady and have a clear picture of what SA is. I wish you all the best in your journey. love, nap
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