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Just came back from a meeting with the custody evaluator. She wanted my husband and I to talk about a parenting plan, a piece still needed for her final report. I pursued the evaluation because I do not want him having overnights with our two kids. His porn addiction and bipolar create an unsafe environment. Up until today, I thought I had a strong case. Tonight I’m worried. With him there, she kept saying that he is doing what is psychiatrist and counselor ask and is responding well. And that porn is for his private use, not one of the more extreme sex additions involving others. . . . Their assessments are based on his self-reporting. I have never spoken to his counselor. (Addicts never lie, right?) So in the end the courts may say he can have custody. And vacations, holidays, overnights. I left so that would not be in my home. (More accurately, I made him leave.) Now I may have to send my children there without me. What a screwed up world. Very upsetting.
Hi Sunny
Don’t think we’ve spoken before. Nice to meet you!
Sorry you’re having such a hard time at the moment.
I completely sympathise with you – you must be so upset. I feel exactly the same about my kids going to my ex.
It is indeed a screwed up world. My ex had a serious anger problem and porn on computer and it really worries me what my kids may find on his computer. His anger seems to have calmed down a bit now he’s free to pursue his addiction without me making things difficult for him.
How old are your kids? Mine are teenagers, so obviously can go on his laptop when he’s not there and therefore may find things. Would your ex be likely to actually look at porn while they are there?
When I thought of leaving before, one of the things that made me stay was the fear of leaving the boys to deal with his anger without me being there to help them, get them out the room etc.
The world is completely screwed up – nothing seems to be on our side.
Lots of love and hugs sent your way
bb
xSounds similar to what our situation was, before he moved out last year. The shame from the porn ignited his anger/bipolar hypomania, leading to anger and instability. His counselor thinks he’s better. However, he never had her talk to me, something I learned recently that confused her. (He never told me she wanted to.) I need to see what safeguards I can put in place for my kids. They are teen/preteen. I know I stayed longer in the marriage so that I could be a buffer. But the instability with him here was creating too much trauma for them, so in the end I finally filed for divorce, thinking there was no way he would get custody. It may turn out alright, but for now it feels very unsure. I’ll post an update when I have one. Thanks for the kind thoughts!
Hi Sunny,
I know your fear as well. Is he asking for overnights?
But anyway at their age he may/will probably get it.
I think given their age, you will be able to talk with them and monitir his behavior. Let them know porn is not to be viewed while they are there, and if he does they are to report to you. If he has a rage outburst they are to report to you.I am doing similar things. a guardian was appointed to check out the progress of the SA in regards to parenting issues. He in fact was viewing porn with our daughter in the room. However he has been out of the house since about 8 months ago and she is in daycare now. So he sees her twice a week and her exposure to him now is much more limited. So as he has been going to the therapist for over a year i am sure she will find that he can see his daughter. But the hard part is, people think these guys are “normal” and would not lie and view porn with kids in the room. Sooooo wrong. But here is the sad thing. We cannot protect our kids forever, all we can do is do the best we can to prevent it. Just like with porn use, if they are going to absue the kids, they will do it anyway, day or night.
It is so upsetting and I am going through the same thing. I view it this way. He is out of the house. Her exposure is much more limited now, my daughter is in a great daycare. I have tried my best to point out the lies and the uncontollable behavior. It is on their shoulders if something happens. I will be in total communication with her to make sure daddy is not biewing porn in front of her. If any kind of abuse does happen i did the best I could, but then will be able to throw the book at him and he will never see her again AND the courts will have lost any credibility. They will no longer be making decisions, as they could not do so correctly before.
What exactly is your h looking for custody wise? I would try to say no overnights during the week because of school. Luckily the guradian assigned to our case feels its good for the kids to have a “home” base, overnights with one parent all week. Visitiation during the day with the other. (my daughter is soon to be 4 though).
Ugh. Its so hard. I often wonder what would happen if these guys were achoholics or drug users. Would it be the same.
I also wanted to share that my SA’s therapist were so snowed, both of them. They both though he was soing a great job, but the switch happened after he had been seeing the first one for a few months and them viewed porn with my daughter in the room. Hey but the therapist said he was doing a great job right. LOL. I throughly beleive nothing will turn up from my situation either.
Good luck to you sunny. Keep us posted. Love, Flora
Hi Sunny,
I can understand your worry and concern. I hope it will turn out the way you hope. It sounds like you have done a very good job at doing all you can. Thinking of you, love napSunny
So sorry for the pain and injustice. It is a travesty that SA and PD’s behavior disorders are not taken seriously by the courts. I was told, that unless my SA H was homeless on the streets crack user with a felony record, he would have overnights and joint custody. You have done well to get as far as you have. I commend your bravery. I think as Mothers leaving their SA H, and they get some custody, the best we can do is inform our children, arm them with the truth– and have some sense of trust that they will be cared for. I certainly agree, it is a sad sad world that forces many spouses into staying on the crazy train with their addict. At least you have decided to get off, — and at least they will be off it too, for the time they are with you.
Also, for the time they are with him, I think it may be less dramatic as well. The marital tension won’t be there. He will have to step up and parent. Love to you. Please keep posting–Oh dear God… just reading these posts about divorce and how SA Hs will most likely get overnight visitation makes my gut wrench. That is the worst part about getting a divorce…. that I won’t be around to protect my DD. I could almost be one of those *crazy* women who kidnap their own child to take her away from the dad. No kidding. If I truly thought I could keep her hidden for the next 10 years, I’d do it. In a heartbeat.
There’s no judge or court in this country that will EVER convince me that it’s better for a child to be involved with a mentally deranged person than to not have a father figure at all. I don’t believe it.
The thought of having to turn my child over to him for visitation–and overnight visitation at that–seriously makes me think about reconsidering leaving. Ugh. How do you make your child face the monster you know he is all alone?
***tears now***
Sorry I didn’t see your post sooner. I haven’t been online as much lately. Life is very busy now that school’s started. The evaluator wrote in her report her recommendation that there be a two-month temporary plan with an assessment by her at the end as to what the permanent plan should be. For the two months I would have sole physical custody. Alos, during the two months my H would have frequent, short times with the kids by no overnights. He would also need to go to someone for parenting training. (And I would need counseling to deal with my anger at my H . . .) Anyway, my H could have jumped on it, done the two months and done what he needed to do, and then get his overnights and more equal custody (I think), since he would be “proving” that he could be a good parent.
Instead of doing that he fired his lawyer (for other reasons), hasn’t responded to the plan, and so far we have not had a plan. He picks them up from school when he wants, sees them when he chooses, but never overnight. Actually less time than the plan she wrote built in. Now that he is representing himself, my lawyer sent him a stipulation asking him to sign off on the plan so that it would be enacted. So far no word on whether he has signed. If he doesn’t sign we have to go to court. The reason is without it there’s no plan. He could actually take them overnight whenever he wants right now, with no plan in place. He must not realize that.
Anyway, that’s where we are. I have a really good lawyer. It’s one day at a time. Thanks for your concern. I will say I believe this is better from my kids than the turmoil they were living in before we moved forward with the divorce. My daugher is much better. My son is having a harder time. It’s his dad. As a result, he takes a lot of his anger out on me, through defiance, etc. So far he’s young and the actions aren’t harmful. Plus we have a good counselor and my son is really a good hearted boy. In the end I pray it will all be at least more stable and healthy for them that it was. Everyone has to make their own decision, but this was best for us.
Dear Sunny,
So sorry to hear about your struggles and the fears of ALL the mothers married to these men. They leave because they cannot stand the insanity and then they are forced to hand their precious children over to a person THEY know is very ill. It is EXTREMELY difficult to remove a parent’s custody rights…the very reason helpless children are continually returned to homes where they have been abused before? The real problem is that SA or PD is NOT being taken seriously by the courts( or society)…they seem to only act AFTER the fact and often not at all. I guess the only thing you can do is be a safe place for your children. Teach them that they can come to you with anything, even if it involves their Dad. You can only hope your husband will eventually be more interested in pursuing his activities, rather than trying to look after the kids on his own. Keep after him about the “plan”. Do NOT let him dictate the terms. God Bless Karen xx
Sunny, I’m so glad you have a great lawyer. That helps so much! And it’s good that he doesn’t realize he could take the kids overnight!
I am still determined to leave once I have the money saved up, but I need to figure out a way to make him give me full custody. I’m still hoping I can “convince” him to do that in exchange for my silence on his indiscretions. Time will tell.
I agree, Karen, the courts are really screwed up. In a world where it’s easier to have a baby than it is to get a drivers license, obviously some thing’s wrong. I hate it. And lose sleep over it. (and yes, I know, I can’t do anything about it now…. but I can’t stop worrying about it.)
Paula
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