- This topic has 11 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 7 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Hello sisters. I have a situation that I’m not quite sure how to handle. SA brought home from work some printouts of pages he got off of craigslist. They are for equipment to use around the property. Specifically, flatbed trailers to haul equipment. All that is fine, as we frequently use craigslist to buy used equipment. The problem is that way back when he was at his intensive and we had a 3 way phone call with his psycologist, SA, and myself, use of the internet was discussed. His dr. wanted to know what boundaries I had in regard to the internet and as usual I was prepared to allow him to use the computer as long as I was in the room and could see the screen, there’s an anti-porn program installed to prohibit him from accessing those sites and if we needed any thing from craigslist that I would do the research and print or forward pages for him. Nothing was discussed about his work computer because his work computer is on a network that has programs in place to prevent the use of porn while on the job. I’m not familiar with those types of networks enough to know if that would include craigslist since only portions of craigslist are adult only type searches. I want to talk to him about this and tell him I’m uncomfortable with him using craigslist at work. And if he tells me that he can’t access the adult only portions of the site I want to be able to come back with a knowledgeable answer. Something like “are you sure? because I can find out”. When if fact, if I tried to find out it would alert them to the possiblility of him abusing the company policy and possibly get fired. Touchy situation. Any advice?
Thanks, cb
cbslife,
Call a spade a spade. If you do not, he will know that he can push the boundary. You will always be haunted by not calling him on this.
They are master manipulators, he knows the rules and he violated them. We spend so much time protecting them and they spend so much time violating us.
I truely wish that I could say something different to you to sooth the hurt. It just doesn’t work that way, does it? You must be exhausted by this new dilema – it is heartbreaking.
But by printing out the pages to show he was on Craigslist at work it’s almost like he wanted you to know and maybe put a stop to it? You would know him better, of course–is that a possibility? He could’ve just kept doing Craigslist at work without you knowing . . .
Hi cbs,
I just read your post and it seems like he messed up because you are suppose to do the craiglist searching. He bypassed you in round about way. An option would be no craiglist unless it’s both of you looking together at home. I personally think craiglist would be a temptation for him. Equipment today what tomorrow? Just my thoughts…What are your thoughts cbs?Hi cbs,
I just tested this on my home computer. I have controls set up on our security software that block adult sights, porn, etc. (It even blocks Victoria’s Secret!) However, I was easily able to access the adult searches on Craigslist (UGH). I agree he bypassed your boundary, and I agree with NAP’s solution. Ugh; I face these same types of dilemnas with my SA’s office computer. And the bottom line is, it just sucks to go through this conflict and “playing warden” so that we can feel safe and comfortable. Sending hugs your way; I know how this feels.
Love, ZGZG, you bring up a great point. We don’t want to have a cop and prisioner relationship and sometimes that is what it becomes. I have a hard enough time managing my own life let alone cop someone elses. Being a cop is a big job…its sad that we would have to “play warden” at all.
love, napNAP, sometimes it feels like living in a house with a thousand doors. I run around like crazy, locking up, to keep the boogeyman out, only to discover a few hours later that I forgot one. Exhausting. I know boundaries are for US, but sometimes I’m not sure if I’m cut out for this relationship. Time will tell. (btw, I noticed in my last post I used the word “ugh” twice. I need to find a new SA word!!)
Thank you ladies for you insight and advice. As usual you are always there for me. Come to find out, he did not access craigslist at work. Those printouts he brought home were printed out from a co-worker who frequents auctions and buys and sells equipment on the side. His co-worker printed them out and gave them to him because he knows that he’s looking for a trailer and he comes accross them all the time. Which makes sense because they were printed on a black and white printer and the only printer in my SA’s office is a color printer. So, while I’m still a bit leary, I’ll take that for now. At least he knows that I’m still watching and worrying and anything he can do to alleviate my worrying will make our life easier. He agreed that i should bring up anything and everything that’s got me on edge and he will do his best to help allieviate my fears. He said he does not want to lose me or this marriage and he will not do anything to jeapordize that. I hope he means it, only time will tell.
Hi cbs,
I’m happy to hear he will accomodate your needs and he doesnt ever get defensive, which is a good sign. I can feel the love you have for each other through your posts..ZG,
I know what you mean about the thousand doors. That is a great way to describe it and is exactly how I felt after I found out my h was a SA. It almost is impossible to manage and have a life. You sound like you do. I know you’re a runner and you look like a very nice happy person. You seem to keep very busy.
love, nap xxThank you for your kind words, NAP. I don’t know if I’m a happy person right now, but I’m trying to do the things that make me happy, if that makes sense. I wish I had something going on in the career end of things–both for fulfillment, and now to really make sure I can be financially independent if needed. It seems a bit overwhelming right now, but hey, what else is new? 😉 Love ya!
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.