Help me name it

Oh Lindy, I know exactly what you are going through. Seems like things go along great for a while then something like this makes us doubt them and us again. My SA got a phone call a little while back and answered it in front of me and told the guy No continuously to his requests and he actually told me about it when he got off the phone. Like you I was impressed that he discussed it but that starts all the emotions and second guessing going. I have no idea if he ever called that guy back and I’ve since forgotten about it until I read your post. Now there’s other boundary violations going on and it’s got me worked up. I hate this for you and for me. Especially after I had such a nice day yesterday with my new grandson. It’s like is this the price I pay for having one nice day to myself. hate it hate it hate it

I think maybe you should ask him to leave for a little while and corespond with him through phone or email and tell him how you are feeling and that you may very well be calling it quits because you can’t stand the possibility of incidents like this happening over and over. I’m thinking of doing the same.

Keep us posted. Love you …. (((HUGS)))

Hi Ms Lindy,
So sorry for your situation and the pain you are feeling. I have to agree with Jeannette’s post. I also agree your husband needs to leave as cbs suggests. If you want him to do a lie detector test, he can do it while he’s out, however, I know you work with him, so this makes things very complicated for you. I think this adds to your despair, plus, is he the kind of man who would leave if you asked? Mine wouldn’t and mine could get very scary so I don’t know if your h has any history of violence or aggressive behavior.

I am no longer with my SA, its been 3 months today, and I can tell you in hindsight, I would leave. This is my opinion based on what I feel now and I tell you, after I am away from all that it entails, its so sick and distorted, it never ends, and all the lies and manipulation. Looking at it all now, it just seems like a huge ball of wax and I don’t miss it one bit. I wouldn’t give your h the benefit of the doubt based on past history.

It’s always easier said than done. It’s a very sad and painful place to be and I hope you are doing okay. Please try to think clearly if you can because we start to minimize and rationalize what we know. The initial feeling you felt and the instinct response to leave are your true feelings and truth. Anything after that is rationalization and that’s a part of what keeps us hooked. This is your life Ms lindy, I can tell you are a very sweet and kind person and only you can decide. Please take good care and know I’m thinking of you.

Love, napxxoo

ms-lindy,

The thing that has been nagging at me all night, is what keeps us or kept us connected to the hope.

I think it is in your explanation of the speedboat experience. “He races high-performance boats – speeds up to 140mph – dangerous and adrenaline producing. I am crew chief, helping change out powerheads on the motors, making sure the boat is set up right, and I’m on the two-way radio with him whilst he is driving, coaching and making him aware of the other drivers and whats going on during a race.”

You and even him, for a brief period of time, are functioning together as a team. Yes, he may have skill at driving, but if you did not do the things you do behind the scene, where would he be? Just a boat going fast in the water. You are watching out for him, you have his back, you are giving him the best information you have, you are helping him navigate his way through the race, you are changing out parts, there is not one area that you are not on his side. Every move you make is to help him be successful and he needs you, for him to succeed and be the best he can be. Rooting him on!

If this was how our marriages functioned, imagine the love, kindness, fruitful, caring persons and worthwhile life we would be living. Being able to step out into the wonderful persons we are and have the knowledge that our spouses have our back and want us to succeed. To me, those brief but fleeting moments are the things we hang onto. Thinking, how could it be so good, (speedboat senerio) which culminates what we want – how do we reconcile that the commitment ends at the finish of the race? How do we understand and believe that it was only in the race that they are interested in? It is always about them.

How do we understand that when we are running our race, they are not watching out for us, or have our backs, or giving us the best information they have. They do not help us navigate our way through the race, do they root us on, shore us up, are they are on our side?

With a SA we are really running our race alone. That is a cold hard reality and saddens me to the core. Not what I thought marriage was about.

I can imagine how torn up you must be. What is true, why doesn’t the pain and suspicion go away? Can we ever let our guard down, or is our guard up because we know it must be? How can I be in this mess, I never betrayed him or deceived him. Where did this come from?

Fortunately, it has nothing to do with you – unfortunately, it has everything to do with him and his moral code, sense of fair play, commitment and character.

Know this, each of us are rooting you on. We know the difficult, heartbreaking things you are going through. Remember you are a good, kind, wonderful person and you deserve to be happy, whatever way you go.

Hi there,
I wanted to note sometime that came up in cbslife’s post and may be more revelent that we have thought–

“it’s like this is the price I pay to have one nice day to myself”

When I read that I freaked! Because one of the patterns that became really clear after d-day, was that every time something good happened to me or for me, My SA would do something to ruin it in the days afterward. I didn’t know how he was doing it because I didn’t know about the SA, but it is absolutely consistent and it is one of the things that he has actually admitted to. So, every occasion that he knew meant something to me, or even celebrated me (eg. graduation with academic prizes) he would be acting out—-so he would be late, would forget about the event, on one occasion the police were at our house for what I later learned was him masturbating in his car! And d-day came when I returned from a 4 month sabbatical that was wonderful. I was in the house under 24 hours when I found the computer porn. He had set it up so I would.

What I’m trying to say here is that what I thought was just my SA’s cruelty may be a another trait they share. They ruin important occasions because they aren’t the centre of attention anymore, or because they are jealous of our happiness. I’m serious about his. I know it sounds infantile, but this is what I dealt with and he actually admitted it.
So cbslife, does this have a sick ring of truth in it? And ms-lindy—weren’t you at a stepchild’s wedding when this happened. And now this how you get to remember it?

I don’t know whether it’s their profound insecurity or their profound narcissism, but I think they like to make us “pay” for those occasions when we are actually happy for a change.

D.

Diane,
You got my vote on that. I can not tell you how many times I have experienced that. It is as if they hate you for being who you are. When they can’t steal the character, the integrity, the selfless love you show, they want to destroy you and make you pay.

Hi all,
If you know they are lying, why would you do a lie detector test? And if you did do one, found out they lied about something, what would happen?

PS. would anything really change???

Excellent questions, NAP:) and how great to think about what we would do ahead of time. I have that outlined with my boundaries and my husband knows them.

If I KNEW my husband was lying, I would not do ask him to do a lie detector test, and if he didn’t tell me that he had lied within 24 hours of the lie, our relationship would be over.

If I did not know that he was lying and a lie detector test showed that he was, our relationship would be over at that time.

Interesting info Flora, my husband’s therapist and SA group were very opposed to the idea of a lie detector test when I first asked him about it, and I told him I didn’t want one for his sake or his therapists or his fellow SA men. I wanted one for me. I am comfortable with the idea of anyone administering one who does this on a regular basis with sex addicts, and works with a certified sex therapist, we just don’t have certified sex therapists where I live, so if we are going to travel, would rather travel to colorado. I would not be comfortable calling a place that doesn’t do them on sex addicts with the guidance of a therapist.

Flora, I also think some broad questions are valid based on the research I did, such as “Have you had a sexual relationship outside the marriage since you have been married?” Have you masturbated since you have been in recovery on ____?” “Have you had communication or contact with sex workers since____?”
I would agree that asking if he had ever had an affair is probably not going to be helpful.
And my husband is a physician, he is a brilliant guy, knows how to do the research, does research as a part of his work, knows which meds to take to try to pass a test, etc. …..and I do not believe that he could pass the test unless he was telling the truth. And, more importantly, neither does he.
Marie