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Alright, I’m going to vent because I’ve been stewing over this for almost 24 hours and that’s just not healthy. I know I’m supposed to “Let It Go” and all that rot but sometimes I just can’t. Sometimes when my husband says he’s going to do something and he doesn’t follow through it just pisses me off.
He’s been sober for, gosh, 6.5 months. He sees a CSAT every few weeks and was attending weekly SAA meetings. He was looking for a sponsor but really wants to find one that he’s comfortable with that had the same acting out issues that he had and he wanted to find someone who was still married. The one guy he was going to ask came in and announced that his wife was leaving him. This really bummed out my husband. His CSAT suggested a different meeting – SA; in the midst of all of this, I go away on vacation so I’m already on pins and needles and full of anxiety.
To alleviate my concerns that he won’t slip while I’m away, he assures me he’ll attend the new meeting to replace the old meeting. As it turns out, the new meeting was cancelled due to the holiday. So, he missed his meeting from last week, perfectly understandable. I came back from my vacation on Sunday and while I was away we had a bit of an issue with something else, so again, to provide me reassurance, he again tells me that he’ll be attending the new meeting on Monday.
Yesterday, I was exhausted from traveling up and down the east coast so I took an extra day off from work and caught up with stuff around the house. He came home from school all pissed off because he’s stressed about a program he’s writing. He finally says to me “I’m done for the day! I’m not going back out anywhere.” So, I asked him if I needed to have dinner ready for him to get out of the house in time for his meeting and he said “I’m in no mood to sit in traffic.”
Really? I’m in no mood to trigger at any moment either. I’m just frustrated. I know it’s not the end of the world. He could still be acting out and I’m truly thankful that he’s not. I just hate that he’s not standing by his word. It’s all he has left with me.
Thanks for reading. I needed to get this out. Whew!!
Hi Standingstill,
I know how frustrating it is and I’m sorry your SA isnt keeping his word. Please remember, its not what they say, its what they do. He made a choice not to attend the meeting so what does that tell you? I think it was very disrespectful to you and irresponsible of him. My SA was in “recovery” for 6 months. He would come home from his meeting (weekly) say a few words about it then we ate dinner. Well guess what? He was actually skipping his meeting to have sex with women either prostitutes of his internet fu*k buddies he’d find. What a convenient time for his escapes and I believed he went to his meetings all the while he was lying to my face and he was an excellent liar. I give him a 10 in that department. Im sorry, Im so bitter, we are divorcing and I cant even tell you how much disgust and resentment I have for him, and we were married 25 years. Please pay attention to what they do more than what he says because they are masters at manipulation and lying. Thinking of you!
NapI agree with Nap, being that we were separated at birth, apparently. LOL
Look, as horrible as this is to face, I think that it must be. If a man wants to act out, he’s going to act out and if he wants to hide it from you, he will find a way to hide it from you.
Unless you are with him every second of every waking moment of the day, there is no way– to truly know what he’s up to.
I have seen ACTIVE addicts (including predator) who are portending to be in recovery or ALL recovered!
not.
I don’t mean to scare you, but the sad truth is that most of them will not recover. Or they will stay clean for a while, and then… the beast comes back to rear its ugly head.
Stuff happens… He loses his job. A parent dies. He just misses “all of that” so much and he NEEDS it and then, he starts making excuses to himself; justifying why its all okay and that you won’t find out this time. You have let down your guard. He plans, he schemes, he fantasizes… and then… This is a very likely scenario.
So, observe, from a distance, but try not to obsess and worry if he misses a meeting. I have to say that I’m positive that predator also uses those “meetings” to act out. What a perfect excuse! Of course, your h’s missing a meeting could also be reflective of his commitment. But, its difficult to say, because I DO see that he’s trying, but I just don’t see the fire in his belly that he truly wants to beat this thing, no matter what! I know that this must be upsetting to hear and I feel very badly for your predicament.
The other thing is that some sex addicts genuinely DO want to recover, and they simply can’t. They can’t let go of the thrill… the excitement, the rush.
After all, they’re addicts.
The only one you can control is you. I know that you are bonkers over this guy, but can you somehow make him less important in your life? Find your own bliss. Be your own best friend, lover, confidant or have other relationships (I don’t mean affairs) that are separate from all of this. (maybe you already do) The reality is that you will never truly be able to totally rely on him again. Maybe he will step up to the plate and maybe he won’t, but what kind of life is it if you are continually eating a hole in your stomach over his every move that you have absolutely no control over? If you are more autonomous, then maybe it won’t be as devastating to you, if you do discover that he is still struggling to achieve sobriety? At least you will be better prepared to do your “plan B”.
Then, you can take the pressure off of him (which will probably help him in the long run) and take the parts of the marriage that are keeping you right where you are… The parts that you love. I don’t see any other way, unless you decide to leave the crazy, altogether.
No, its certainly nowhere near perfect, but what in life is?
xo,
L
Hi Stillstanding,
So sorry for the anxiety your SA is causing you. I hate that feeling too. As far as I know (at least in our area) SAA meetings are NEVER canceled for anything, including holidays. They are still open even for those who ‘might’ show up, and there are many who do on a holiday. Only once that I know of the building had been mistakenly locked up and supposedly the members then met outside. Hang in there, Sister.
love, ms-lindyStillstanding,
I am so sorry your h missed two meetings in a row, the one being understandable. Unfortunately, he is acting selfishly, which is one of the characteristics of an addict. Did you tell him how important it was to you, and that by him not attending it was telling you something? Or do you just watch and see what he does, trying to figure out how he plans on doing his recovery? I know people say, “He has to want it; you should not try to force him.”
Lex,
Hate to be such a newbie, but how on earth can I get a life. Today I spent hours and hours on the couch, unable to do anything. Just sad, sad, sad. The past is such a sad past. 20 years of my life – a lie. It hurts and the grief is unbearable at times.I started my master’s degree online. I joined SOS. I exercised really hard yesterday. I can’t do anymore. I pray and pray. I just don’t know how to cope any better. The depression is like a suffocating blanket of doom. How do you get a more independent life? It is so unnatural. I keep trying but I hate it. Any suggestions? (sorry Stillstanding, not trying to dominate this thread.) B. Trayed
@B.Trayed – Please, never, ever worry about cross posting on a thread I started – it helps to hear others questions and concerns too. Hugs to you too.
I just sat back and watched and played observer last night. I wanted to tell him that him missing the meeting had upset me. Not because of missing the meeting itself, but because of breaking his word and using the lamest of excuses. Plus, I am still unclear where the line is drawn regarding me policing him.
I see him breaking out of so many old habits in so many other areas it’s really wonderful to watch. He’s part of the family now, a real father to “my” kids so now he considers them his “own” after five years of marriage. He’s lost a lot of his anger issues. He’s gotten off the couch and returned to school. So, I see progress in so many other areas…but…like Lexie said – the beast may come back and rear it’s ugly head again. I’ve heard that scenario from so many other women it scares the shit out of me.
And, I also agree with Lexie, I don’t see the fire in his belly like I should. I have a plan B that I really don’t want to have to use but I will if the time comes. In the meantime, it is so hard to distance myself from HIS recovery. I know I’ve come so far, yet I know I have so much further to go.
Again, Lexie, you bring up a valid point, I need to continue to work on myself again. I think going on vacation, while it was great to see family and friends, took me away from my recovery and the progress I was feeling in myself. I need to regain my focus again.
Ms. Lindy-I thought the same exact thing! The SAA meeting he went to met on Christmas Eve, but, I saw the email that said they weren’t meeting. The new group only has four or five guys in it, I think.
Thanks guys for putting me back into the right mindset again!
I think all of you are so fantastic because none of this stuff is easy.
For B-trayed… wow! I think that sounds great! Getting a master’s degree online, exercising, and of course getting more support are all wonderful things.
I have suffered from a low to sometimes almost incapacitating depression for probably all of my life and I think a lot of us do… These types of men sniff us out, because they sense a weakness and vulnerability that is appealing to them. But, lets not get into all of that, right now.
I often look to my BFF, Elle, who’s 62 as a guide to a strong independent woman. I admire her a lot! On the surface, her life might seem very simple. She still lives within a mile of her geriatric parents, in a one bedroom apartment that she’s had since before the flood and NEVER got married (smart girl! but came close a couple times, she’s told me), and she’s worked at the same company for the last 35 years.
I asked her once if she’s ever depressed and/or lonely and she answered “rarely”.
So, what’s her secret? How does she do it?
1) She has a secure job that is gratifying and takes up probably about 50 or more hours of her week and she has made a plan for herself to work until such and such a time give or take and will be fine financially.
2) She is out and about nearly every evening after work and this could be anything from dinner with a friend, or even by herself, a ballet class, (she dances, like me), a drink, a coffee, a walk. She goes to museums, and performances, and if she can’t find anyone to go with, she goes alone. She doesn’t travel, but she could…
She keeps herself very busy. She follows her bliss and her passions. She’s giving and spiritual and always has an ear for her friends and she visits her parents at least once a week and spends all holidays with them. (even though her mom drives her nuts!)
But HOW, do we do this, when even taking a shower seems to be an effort? Oh, I know…
The other thing… is that for so many of us… What is SO difficult, is that if we have been with this man for 15-30 years or more… We’ve built an entire life around this person and that isn’t easy to extricate oneself from, no matter what!
Change just one thing. I learned that from our autistic son. Just work on one thing. one thing at a time. By changing one thing, it affects everything else.
Whether we are married or not or our spouse is healthy or not, we can’t control… and I think we feel especially despondent when we feel that we cannot control ANYTHING. Our kids, our mates, our moods, our anger… our loss– intense, crippling grief.
It is also alright to give into it sometimes.
A therapist is good too. I have taken a break from mine, but really recommend it.
Try different things. Make a new friend. Do volunteer work. Join a club. Join a Gym or take up ballet again as an adult if you danced as a kid. Take any class, cooking, art, photography, belly dancing… doesn’t matter. If you don’t like it, stop it and try something else.
I think we need to learn to not be afraid to be alone. Some of my loneliest, saddest times were when my entire family was around me, however. An unpredictable, impetuous son with ADHD, a psychotic screaming son with autism and a depressed husband.
Its so easy to lose ourselves when the demands of our lives are so draining.
hugs and love,
L
b.trayed,
Have you talked with a doctor about anti depressants? Several of the Sisters here have benefited from them, and, as a nurse, I can say that I have seen them work miracles.
Our brains, just like us, fall into patterns and old habits. When we are traumatized, and consequently sad and depressed, our brains make ‘pathways of depression’. We literally get ‘stuck in a rut’ with no way out.
A short coarse of anti depressants will actually ‘kick start’ the brain back into forming normal pathways again.
Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Taking medication for 6 months to a year balances those chemicals. The change in mood is truly miraculous.
Anti depressants take at least two weeks before you will see any mood change, and, in the meantime you may feel drowsy or even loopy. Just tough it out and continue the meds and the dark cloud will slowly lift and you will have your life back again, along with the energy to do the things you know you must do to make yourself better.
While in a phase of depression, as most of us are after battling the trauma of discovery, we don’t have the energy to brush our teeth let alone set boundaries and do battle with our mental teenagers that we though were our husbands.
Please think about seeing a doctor and asking them about anti depressants.
Hugs to you.
Hi Lexie,
I find your posts so interesting and love reading them. I was wondering what your take is on why these men “sniff us out” as you mentioned. I would be interested in hearing your take on that.Also, I loved what you wrote about your 62 year old friend. What does she do for a living…her job for 35 years? Sounds so neat. I agree, as woman, we are programmed early to be a unit when we should be perfectly happy and fulfilled in or out of a relationship. I think we spent way too much time on these guys.
Love, Nap
Thanks Lexie, for the concrete suggestions.
Thanks JoAnn.
Sisters, I think I asked this before, but I guess I was not ready yet. Any suggestions on which anti depressant to take? None that make me gain weight please! or lower my sex drive. Thanks, B. Trayed
b.-trayed,
I am so glad that you are at least considering trying an anti depressant. From some of your posts and comments I do believe that it would help you tremendously.
The choice of what to prescribe will have to be up to your doctor. There are some new combo drugs that are quite effective and have very few, if any side effects.
But, just remember, one size does not fit all. Some work for some people and do nothing for others. Some will make one person gain weight and not another.
If you truly trust your doctor, tell them of your concerns and try what they recommend. if you don’t truly trust your doctor, find another doctor.
Thanks,
Have anyone heard of 5http or something like that. My sis says it is as good as prescribed meds. Diane takes it too.
B.Oops, first I wrote to only JoAnn, and then changed to “anyone”…I meant to write…HAS anyone…Scary (I am a teacher! But only math and science, so who cares about English, right? LOL)
Hi b-trayed,
I have tried it in the past, prior to taking the prescribed meds. My take is if maybe the levels are sligthly off, and slight depression this may work?? But in my case when i needed the meds, it was not enough. Only the stuff from the doc. did the trick.
also st. johns wart is supposed to be a natural anti-depressent.
Flora
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