End of Therapist #2

Hi Sharron,
I have a statement that i use in situations like this….
I think of whatever it is…for instance your last sentence…and i send it out the world, or the universe, and i let it go. I do not dwell on what others think or feel, expecially if they are now out of my loop. You are going to exhaust yourself, and shorten your life, dwelling on so many things some of which do not even matter.

Who cares what steve does, who cares what steves therapist thinks, who cares what your therapist says. It really does not matter anymore. In the end, no matter what his therapist says, his recovery is is based on what he wants to do and what he is capable of doing…does not matter what the therapist does. Yes the therapist is his guide, but ultimately it is up to steve. Its very scarry to put your life and future into someone elses hands, but there is no choice. With a sex addict all of this is just a bet. There are no certain odds. Just send it out to the universe, what happens…happens. And let it go.

Hi Sharon,

I find your experience with the therapist so unsettling. How can she on one hand tell you not to be involved with a group like SOS and than on the other hand say that she is not a SA specialist so can’t give advice in that area? I hate being in this circumstance. I feel like we are already in a “crazy making” situation only to be pulled further into this abiss. It scares me so much to feel so mis-understood by so many people who are not familiar with what a spouse of an SA goes through. I am so happy to be here on this site and have contact with all of the ladies here, but out in the “face to face” world, I feel alone and somehow judged.

My husband and I have been through two counselors that just did not seem to fit. One of them was an SA counselor and although she helped, she was not able to help the both of us together. It is only human nature to bring your own experience in to play when counseling others. I believe that this is what was happening with us. Her husband was also a SA but how it manifested itself in him was different than how it was in our relationship. Her husband was very attentive and gentle with her. Understood the nature of his addiction and although he had slips, was very nurturing to her. Mine on the other hand has to much shame and pride to be able to show compassion for what I am going through. What was happening is that while we were in her office for one and a half hours, once a week, he was able to shed a tear and talk the talk of someone who appeared to be in recovery. I was very encouraged at first thinking that she was getting through to him and that perhaps he was really trying to change and overcome the barrier that was getting in the way of his recovery. After several visits however, I realized that there was not a change in him at all once we were outside of her office. I brought this to both of their attention. I told them that something was really off because the person that is sitting here in her office with me and the person that I speak to at home are two different people. I said that the person that I see here in the office is someone that I see as making progress, but the person I see at home is still blame shifting, minimizing, and deflecting the SA. Her response to that was that he feels safe in her office and does not feel safe at home to reveal the true person that he is. I wanted to believe that she was correct so I gave it several more weeks to see if in fact that was the case. I also did not quite understand why my husband of 27 years would not feel safe with me in expressing his compassion especially based on the fact that I was feeling so sad about the disclosure of SA. I was actually shocked at how he was somehow turning the situation around into looking like I was the person that was the problem in the relationship. He was telling her that he was afraid of me and that I have anger management issues. After hearing these kinds of things I am going further into shock and trauma because this does not reflect me or our relationship. I am spiraling further into a situation where I am questioning reality because I am looking at SA for the first time in my life and also being criticized for being hurt and angry about it. I have not been an angry spouse or a spouse that has been difficult or high maintenance throughout our marriage. If anything, I have been more of a push over. Was I angry and hurt, am I still angry and hurt over the discovery of my husband using woman on craigslist etc……, you bet I am. I don’t know any normal person that would not have been affected by this discovery. I am holding him accountable at a higher level than I ever have in the marriage, but he has never hurt me to this level either. When he continued to be a different person during our sessions than who he presented at home, I put a stop to going to the therapist. I indicated that I needed him to be the person he was during our visits with her all the time, not just for one hour a week. So that was the end of that therapist.

The next therapist I had very high hopes for. She had written a book about emotionally unavailable men. After reading the book, I learned more about narcissistic personality disorder. I asked my SA to call her to see if she might be able to help us. My SA believed that he suffered from emotional unavailability and was also hopeful that she could help. I was so disappointed to learn that this woman did not believe in SA. She had also just finished her Masters in Business Administration and was over joyed that my husband was a successful business man on the heels of beginning his own business. I found out that the therapy sessions consisted of them talking about business and her encouraging him to form his own company. I could not believe my ears. I am still in the depths of heartache and trying to wrap my mind around this whole SA thing, only to find out that he has spent several weeks not even talking about emotionally unavailability or SA, but has been having his ego stroked and his brain picked by this counselor who is taping into his business knowledge. After finding this out I ask if I can attend a session with both of them to see if any of my input could help in bringing our relationship closer together. After going with him for a couple sessions I learned that she does not believe in SA. She does not think that my husband is emotionally unavailable. She believes that he only had a couple of inappropriate sexual encounters with woman and that most men have strayed at some point. She believed that if I want the relationship to continue that I need to believe that he is sorry and that he will never do this again. Her exact words were that I needed to jump off the cliff and trust him. That it was all up to me. I needed to jump off the cliff and believe that he would throw out a net to save our relationship. I told her that was an interesting analogy because I have trusted him our whole marriage. I had not idea that he was doing these things. Now that I have discovered his actions, I told her that I need him to build a bridge over to the cliff that I am standing on. Once I see that he has built the bridge and if I think that it is steady enough, I gladly walk over it back to our relationship. I told my husband that I did not see it necessary for me to go back to her and that if he wanted to continue to pay someone to be his cheerleader for starting a business that was his decision.

I am happy to say that our third therapist was very helpful. Both my husband and I thought that he could guide us towards a healthy relationship. He was not specifically trained in SA, but understood the dynamics involved with both the person with the addiction as well as their spouse. Unfortunately, we ultimately stopped going to him as well due to the fact that he was actually trying to help us look at the addiction, which my husband was not willing or able to do. So now we are where we are which is going through the steps toward divorce.

What I am trying to say throughout this whole writing is that it makes me nervous that the two therapist we went to at first were not able to see what was happening. I wonder if someone would ask them what their thoughts were on our relationship what they would say. I feel like the first one would say that while he was in her office he appeared to be in recovery. The second one would say that he was delightful. If you talk business with my husband, he could talk your ear off. Unfortunately she was blind-sighted with his business sense and impressed with his arrogance. He pulled the wool right over her eyes and she sat and listened to how wonderful he thinks he is. The reason I know this is because this is exactly what I have done for years. I understand how someone can be charmed by his confidence.

These situations just add to the pain that we are already going through. What ever progress was being made by me to help him see his addiction was plowed over by these two therapist. He uses these experiences to justify his behavior and prove that he does not have SA.

So frustrating and so sad at the same time. I was just really hoping that our marriage could be saved. I was really hoping that he could look at his actions and understand the impact that it has on our family. Again, I was just asking him to be accountable. He just is not able to.

Flora,
Thank you for sharing the “send it to the universe” I love that and will use it.

Amen Florentine!!!! 🙂

Cindy….. Boo!!! That sucks!!! I mean, obviously and ultimately your husband is Still accountable, responsible for his own behavior – but it certainly doesn’t help to have the therapist creating two steps back!!! My SA has fooled the world, as well!! Businessman, charming, good time Charlie, smart, witty, the list goes on…. 
Then, he comes home, puts on his grumpy face, gets “into position” in his recliner, goes into a trance, hides cell phone under his leg and pulls it out whenever I leave the room, etc….

Um, no thanks……. Adios ASShole! 

So sorry for all of us that have had such a struggle to find competent help. We are on our third counselor and are sticking with their all important ‘program’ mostly because I am uncomfortable walking away once again. I did not manipulate, or intimidate, or accommodate, or close my eyes, or play a victim, or push him away, or put pressure on him to be something he wasn’t. And he has expressed that too, but they have to stick to the exercises in the ‘program’.

Cindy, your letter should be broadcast to the therapy community. All of these posts should.