Top Three

Great list, Jos. And mine looks very similar
1. Being cranky and irritated for no apparent reason.
2. Either never coming to bed, or coming to bed but you ALWAYS fall asleep first.
3. When you do have sex, you don’t even know when he’s having an orgasm—he’s in his own world and you are incidental.

yes… irritated, depressed, comatose, narcoleptic.

kinda upset today… I asked him to tell me EVERYTHING and I get

“what do you want me to say?”

gggrrrrr…

I have made it clear that he is not to say those thought stopping phrases and that includes, “what do you want me to do?”

I told him that if I find out something 6 months from now that he’s kept from me, he’ll be sleeping at the shopping center–PERMANENTLY!

Its just that he’s sworn several times that it was “just” once, no twice,… wait… maybe it was more than that. “I don’t remember”…

But, he’s gong to therapy and he went to an SAA meeting.

All these years, I’m sure that he said to women… “my wife isn’t all that into sex”

right. he saw to it that I wouldn’t be. he did everything in his power to turn me off and then… he left his cyber sex chats open for me to read… (5 years ago)

oops… sorry for the rambling… was that only three you wanted, Nap? 😉

Hi jos, this is parts of addiction/co-dependent model that always trip me up.
So when we got to school and our kids go to school…they are wanred against drugs, alchohal, cutting, binge drinking, huffing, anorexia, bulemia…i still remember learing these things as a kid in school. And i was mortified. No where did i EVEr learn that there was such a thing as sex addiction and be able to stear away from such a creature. Warning signs, for the above, alchohal on breath everyday, hiding alchihal consumtion, throwing up in the bathroom, drug paraphanalia, not eating, skin and bones physic…there are tells that we have been trained and know to look for. In a situation where a spouse has puposely chosen to overlook these tells, maybe a sign they are co-dependent. If we leave this relationship and then again go for a sex addict despite the tells here, we may have an issue.

But i had no idea something like this existed. Now i know the tells.

Flora

Lex,

I love you and feel so bad you are in such turmoil. Breath deep girlfriend. Make a plan, like Marie was told to do at her intensive. Make detailed plans for your future life with your h if he is recovering, and make even more detailed plans and dreams about your life without him. My suggestion is to do it now, while you are in limbo. Plan on how you can support yourself. Since your money issues are great WITH your h, they can’t be much worse if you are alone. Like many of us, we are scared to be alone…really ponder that. Talk to people about those fears. I think you make a better friend to yourself than your h. I am not saying to go get divorced, but I am suggesting you take steps to detach and prepare, if you decide to. You seem very connected to your h, like I am, but not necessarily in healthy ways. Fear bonds are prevalent in my relationship and could be in yours also. Google “fear bonds” and see what you find. Also, be aware of the intense communication that you two have. Oh your anger is justified, but intense emotions create a bond and you may want to try to keep the emotions less intense, as not to get to used to that which will ultimately make it harder to detach. Just a thought.

I feel your struggles lately and wish I could make your life better. Only you, Lex, can make your life better. I am not suggesting that you are totally helplessness, but helplessness is a learned quality and it can be unlearned. Anyone who was in abusive situations learned and had to be helpless, since their authority figures trapped them and mistreated them. You have the power now to make your own choices – no one can stop you now.

There was a study done on learned helplessness. I will try to recall it…Mice were shocked when they got to one part of their cage. They tried and tried to go past that part, but kept getting shocked (abuse-analogy). Then finally, the testers removed the shocking part so they could pass without any pain. Yet, the mice stopped trying before they realized this. They gave up too soon. They were trained to NOT be able to move across this barrier, so they accepted this and gave up. Then, when the shock (abuse) stopped and the barrier was gone, they no longer tried. I think this may represent me at times. Perhaps others too, who had limited options at one time, but may have more options now then they can conceive of.
Much love and compassion, B. Trayed

Regarding this question…
1. h’s insatiable appetite for sex (I honestly believe my h would like to have his fix 21 times a week, no joke)
2. h’s porn-like activity in the bedroom, uncharacteristic of his – we don’t say “heck” in the house – facade
3. 22 years of avoiding concerns I had about major areas in our life – selective deafness I guess you could call it
*4. (bonus) general lack of empathy when he hurt me throughout the years
*5 (extra bonus) manipulating Biblical scriptures to justify his wrong behaviors or to motivate me to comply…scary!
Wasn’t it Ted Bundy who would not kill girls on Sunday because it was the Lord’s day??? Something is missing in his deck!

When they have to end up the good guy, no matter what the cost is to the spouse or children involved. I was always the heavy and the one to confront things. He would talk to them, never be direct or hold them accountable. What ends up happening is that they, SA, begin to isolated them, so that they go to him and they never have to be responsible for their deeds. Not only is he the good guy and the one who understands, but you become the bad guy.

When your spouse never compliments you in front of other people. I recently found a friend that I had 20+ years ago (took me 2 year to locate her). I had a conversation with her back then that was a strange conversation. As things (truth) started to surface, I needed to talk with her about it. What she told me was that when I was present he was so helpful , supportive, kind and thoughtful. However, when I wasn’t around he never said a nice thing about me. I was supprised because this friend was usually very direct and upfront to deal with. She told me that I had always spoken so well of my husband, she knew that I loved (what I thought he was) and she was very hesitant to say anything because if things could be worked out, she did not want to be the cause or the bearer of bad news. This criticizing of me has taken place throughout my marriage. When we were newly married he was complaining to another of my friends about me, when I asked him why he hadn’t told me those things, he skirted the subject. I told him that I did not like that he went to my friend to talk about private matters that were not discussed with me. I thought at that point it was addressed. So I never dreamed that he was doing that with others. In every place we lived he did this with my friends, now, I can understand that caused some distancing with friends. I do know that he did it to my friend here in Lafayette (20 years later) and even when he stayed a few months with my two nephews, the same thing. When my nephew heard we were divorcing, he told my sister that he didn’t feel comfortable around him because he never said anything nice about me.

In sex, if they pump and pump and pump. Normally you like someone that last a while, so when they do you begin to think there is something wrong with you. They do not feel your body rhythm and over power with pumping. There is no sensitivity and intimacy is not there and they tell you how much you like it. When you try to say or offer a suggestion, they minimize it and keep on pumping.