The Saga Of JoAnn And Larry

My Dear Sisters,

Sometimes I am embarrassed when one of you tells me how much I have helped you, but I am also satisfied that the work I set out to do is having even just a small impact.

But, what each of you may not realize is that each and every one of you are as much of a lifeline to me as I am to you. You give me that soft place to land when I face a crisis.

And that’s just what you have done for me now. Your warm words, your empathy and love, all make me realize how special and important we all are to each other.

Your words have both lifted me and humbled me. I cannot express how much it means to be able to just reach out to you when I am hurting. What a comforting thought to know that there will always be someone there when I need them.

So, let me tell you how it is if you choose to stay with a SA. Even if you are with someone who is as committed to recovery as Larry is, they can still ‘fall off the wagon’ occasionally. I knew that, I thought I was prepared, but let me tell you, when it happens it hurts like hell.

I was only two days into my vacation when I checked the eBlaster reports. I was certain that I wouldn’t find anything–I just needed reassurance. Larry and I had discussed his feelings and frame of mind the very morning I flew out. I only checked to kind of boost my slight fear that something could be amiss.

Well, when I saw what he was doing–hours and hours of searching and viewing movie star’s photos, bios and movie reviews, searching for the ‘Top 100 sexiest movies’ and then searching for video stores in the area, my heart just dropped.

That’s his M.O. That’s how he always starts down the path toward acting out. And there I was, 8,000 miles away watching a train wreck about to happen with no way to stop it.

It all comes back when this happens. The pounding heart, the nausea, the rage, the disbelief, the sense of helplessness and the sleeplessness.

But, it is quite different from the initial discovery and the subsequent disclosures. Slips affect me differently. It’s like you kind of expect them, but really don’t ever want them to happen. The blow is not as hard, there doesn’t seem to be that intense anger that doesn’t go away, and the emotions settle down fairly quickly.

Anyway, I immediately sent him an e-mail with one line. ‘If you are heading down a dangerous path you need to stop right now.’

No response. Then I sent this e-mail: ‘I expect an explanation and a plan.’

From then on there were e-mails of him saying he had scheduled an appointment with his counselor, that he would talk with his psychiatrist, that he would review his Recovery Plan–but never really talking about the issue.

By that time I was not sleeping at all, but was able to totally forget the issues during the day so that I could embrace the joys of my vacation with my children. If a stray thought would pop into my mind during the day I just dismissed it without another thought. I am quite proud of myself for being able to do that.

Then, when I got back to Germany from Switzerland and was able to call Larry, things did not go well. He was totally in ‘addict’ mode, telling me that I was making something out of nothing. He said that he didn’t think he had done anything wrong because ‘searching for movies’ was not a part of his Recovery Plan. (this was before I knew that he had actually rented the movies–he knew he had violated his own Recovery Plan). So, I then sent him this e-mail, which seemed to kick him out of his addict mode:

Here are a few other insights that I have on this latest incident

If you do not continue to do everything in your power to remain sober and if you do not or cannot recognize when you are heading down a slippery path and take serious steps to stop that process, then we both know how it will end.

I was talking with him on the phone the next day as he read this e-mail and his entire demeanor changed. He quietly said, ‘You are right, JoAnn, you are absolutely right.’

So, things were just left at that until I got home. My sleep amounted to about zero and my stress level was ultra high. It has not been a good time.

When I got ready for bed my first night home I simply told him that I needed to have some alone time. He has been sleeping downstairs in the theater room. (I don’t know why–we do have a spare bedroom). I have not decided what to do about the sleeping arrangements, all I know, and what I have told him is that I do not feel safe, emotionally or physically (due to the possibility of STD’s) with him.

So that’s where I am right now. I did not sleep much last night, my stomach is on fire and I feel physically wrecked.

On the plus side, I have found some great new information online that I will share with all of you soon that really sheds a lot of light on addiction in general and is very appropriate for understanding Sex Addicts.

Thank you to all of you for being there for me. Loving a Sex Addict can be pure hell. Right now I just want to play Scarlett O’Hara and ‘think about it tomorrow’.