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Hi sisters,
I’m on a roll lately! I spent all wknd (literally) catching up on SOS! It’s 230 a.m. On Monday morning and I’m still going strong! WOW!!! What is going on??
I feel like something big is brewing! It’s even brewing in ME and I’m leaving this sorry SOB. I think I’m so impacted because I care so much for all of you and I want nothing but the best for each and every one! Your burdens and heartaches are mine as well…. Not just because I’ve been there (or AM there) but also because I feel such a deep connection to all of you! It really MATTERS to me that we all find happiness and peace! We deserve it and should demand it of ourselves to get there. Maybe not in two weeks or two months or even God forbid, two years, but GET THERE!! One of my biggest fears thru this farce of a marriage was that I would go to my deathbed with the regret that I never gave myself a second chance. A shot at true happiness…
That I would look at future granddaughters and beg them to not make the mistakes that I did! Having those thoughts and fears really helped push me in the direction to leave!! My life (your lives) are at stake here!I think a combination of Larry’s slip (ugh!!), for lack of better word, and Lexie’s new found disaster, and also the wonderful addition of new sisters like Karen, Anna, Jos, Stillstanding, Mychoice, and I’m sure I’m forgetting a few, we are fired up and pissed off!! New sisters, you are awesome and have such great insight and bring fresh topics and as always, true understanding to our many dilemma’s! I love all of your posts!!
Larry, Larry, I am heartbroken and sick over his choices…. If I was trying to stay, at this point, I’d be petrified!! If Larry can’t do it, who can??!! Boo!
I mean no disrespect or disregard for anyone trying to save their marriage – Kudos, sincerely!!! And each husband is different (aren’t they??) and each relationship is definitely unique. Only YOU know what it is like in your own household. But please, anyone trying to stay – hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and don’t be surprised by ANYTHING in between!!!I love you all so much!!!
Silver Lining
SL, you must be a Vampire. You write such thought-provoking posts (with your special touch of humor) in the wee hours! Thank you for this post.
Love, ZG xoxoHi Silver,
I wish I had 1/10th your energy! When do you sleep? Anyway, you’re very awesome and caring, so happy we are sisters.Some thoughts I had after reading your post. Likely, most of us will jump ship based on statistics. I think if we do jump ship, its when we are ready, and everyone jumps ship at different times. Thats human nature. I was actually pushed off ship and if I had not been may still be on the ship wondering what I should do. I’m a slow mover so I guess its a good thing he make it quick and didn’t waste time.
Some will make it though. Maybe not many but some will. There are hs on the sight who are working their recovery and maybe will “slip” then step back into their recovery. I wish my h was one of these men and I have to accept the fact he is not and move on. “Moving on” at 53 its not a bed of roses however it does have some adventure to it and I will try to make the best of it. I know I slam his as* alot on this site however I’m sad our marriage ended this way and I’m sure he is too (thats a guess).
Keep posting sisters, we really help each other so much. Thank you.
Love, NapThank you silver for your post
what you said below really touched me…’One of my biggest fears thru this farce of a marriage was that I would go to my deathbed with the regret that I never gave myself a second chance. A shot at true happiness…
That I would look at future granddaughters and beg them to not make the mistakes that I did! Having those thoughts and fears really helped push me in the direction to leave!! My life (your lives) are at stake here!’
I have been thinking about that so much. I do believe (maybe foolishly), that my husband at his core is a really great guy. but bc of my past issues with sexual abuse, I don’t think that even if he stays ‘on the wagon’ I will ever be truly fulfilled with him. His need for porn, will always leave me feeling for lack of a better term ‘creeped out’ sexually.
I’ve lived a long time knowing he’s had sexual issues, and ignoring them because I really didnt want a sexual relationship, I thought I could live without it and be fulfilled. The best thing to come out of all of this is I am finally looking at my need for an intimate and fulfilling relationship. I will be here for him while he continues to go through treatment, because I know he will go back to his behavior and worse if I leave immediately, I will go to marriage counseling with him to improve our communication and resolve past hurts unrealted to sex, which I believe will help us leave the relationship in a much more positive way.
If by chance he was able to truly give up the porn, etc. and we were able to have an intimate relationship I believe I would stay, but I truly dont see that happening. So i will hope for the best, prepare for the worst while continuing to show him empathy while he remains in treatment, but not condone his behavior, Wish me luck, and check back with me in 6 months. I talk a great big game, but when it comes time to jump, I may need some pushing!!!!Anna said something that got me thinking; “I’ve lived a long time knowing he’s had sexual issues, and ignoring them because I really didnt want a sexual relationship”. Except in my situation, I was the one having problems with sex. It was extremely painful. It was never that way for me before, but with him I was already post menopausal and had decided not to take hormone replacement. That left me estrogen deficient and I didn’t know it until we tried that it would hurt like hell. I went to my gyno and discussed the situation and she informed me of bio-identical hormone treatment and so I started that in hopes that it would help us to have a normal sex life. So until we got the hormones balanced (which took forever after suffering side effects and the like) we didn’t have sex because he didn’t want to hurt me. Ironically, the weekend before I found out about his double life I was feeling like we should try again. But I wanted to make it special so I was planning a romantic weekend the following weekend to surprise and seduce him. Never got to do that because my married world came to a screeching halt when I discovered his emails on porn sites and forums he had joined. At that point I knew nothing about sex addiction and thought it was my fault that I had this problem and he had to fulfill his needs some other way. I was blaming myself (if you can believe that). Imagine my surprise when I found out that he had been living this double life since he was a teenager. I felt like a balloon that had been deflated. And what really got to me was when I came across a post he made to another gal and the post was entitled “Sexless Marriage”. In that post he said something that one of our sisters mentioned in another forum post here (sorry can’t remember who it was; I have CRS Can’t Remember Shit) where he said “I think my wife thinks that sex is just for making babies”. Then I was angry because I kept him completely informed of all my doctor visits and how I was doing on the HRT therapy. Then to find out that he was a Sex Addict and that NONE OF THIS WAS MY FAULT!
Anyway, I believe I have ventured off topic here, but wanted to write this before I forgot to (because I have CRS!)
Love you sisters! CB
Anna,
Best of luck to you, however it works out and I think you are approaching this in a very practical way. I related to alot of what you said. I just hate it for you, that’s all….. 🙁
CBS,
Ugh! Your story sucked. How sad. Thank you for sharing even tho you have shit for memory! 🙂
Interesting how we can’t remember jack about anything else, but boy can your entire marriage pass before your eyes on D day and beyond. One of the things I hate the most is how they will keep quiet and let us think it is our fault or that we are crazy. Either way, it’s mean, cruel, and uncalled for! Like Ms Lindy said….. It’s a lifetime of mistreatment….. Sigh…..Hugs to you all!
Silver-lining – the blame game! Do you think that’s a side effect of their condition – get your spouse to believe she is crazy and send her off to get help in the name of love and really – its them that need the frigging psychiatrist – I sure fell for that one hook line and sinker!
I wonder about the make the spouse think she is crazy concept.
I did feel crazy, I knew I had issues and our sex life was not satisfying to him (little did I know the depth of what was going on with him). Of course I disregarded the fact that it was not satisying for me either, but I digress.
Let me tell you how skewed his thinking was (is). He told me he was most desperately acting out when went 9 months without having sex. I was like, are u insane??? In our marriage, besides having our kids, we never went longer than 3 weeks without it, and that was rare.
When I got sober, I read up on average sex for a married couples our age with two small kids, careers. I talked to my friends about their lives and how often they were having sex with their spouse. Because I wanted to try for a more balanced approach for us both, it really was the biggest hurdle we had in our marriage, all else was pretty good.
I knew my hubby had a high sex drive, so for the past almost 2 years we’ve had sex about 3* per week, and that still didnt keep him away from all of this stuff.
So I used to think I was crazy when we had much less frequency, now I know he is! and needs some help.
Probably completely off topic, but had to share.
Thanks
AnnaSL,
I’m one of the ones who is choosing to stay…at least for now. D has been sober for 8 months and while I’m not thrilled with his recovery plan, I’m happy with the man he is becoming as he moves further along in his sobriety.
I worry about a slip, but I don’t lose sleep over it anymore. I’ll deal with it if it happens and my therapist thinks it may one day because it’s the nature of the addiction. But, she has seen SA recovery progress grow stronger from it too, so, I hold hope from that.
It was so scary to read about Larry, but it was also a good reality check for me too. It helps keep me grounded to the reality of this addiction.
All my best,
SS
Hi Anna,
It is very common that we as the spouse, or target of the game, are the ones who feel like we are the problem. And the thing is, this is not in our heads, it is purposly done. The addict will deflect, and this is with any addiction, the “problem” onto us. And with sex addiction we all to eagerly fill in the blank that if sex is the issue, it must be my fault i am the spouse. And quite frankly if you get into theri minds they are blaming us as well. We don;t have enought sex, its not the kind of sex i want, she is not attractive to me, i only get off to porn. They are flawed. And even some addicts will resort to the blatent put down if pushed as well as aggressive behaviors, to again put you in your place, and not threaten them and their behaviors. Sometimes its helpful just to get out a book on general addiction and spousal abuse…to get a big picture idea of your marriage, because i think you will see it on those pages. With alot of books on sex addiction, we are often labeled as part of the problem, and our thoughts and feelings are really never addressed. And i think the situation we are in is abusive mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically.So no you are not crazy. But i can guarantee you that all of us on here has been there at one point…just about to burst thinking we were the one with all the issues. Long before my SA story came to light, i thought i was the crazy one. Little did i know my then boyfriend was lying to my face, despite even attending therapy sessions together as a couple, where it was found that i must have trust issues because of my dad…while the SA sat there and lied the WHOLE time. I still to this day just sit and think with wonderment how this all happened, how someone could be so hurtful and lie. But the truth is that there are. And when someone does not take the proper avenues to ragain that trust and if you cannot beleive in that trust and respect…you need to set yourself free.
And i think on the sisterhood we are helped to see clearer in our situations whether its stay or go..if its a yes we can do this…or if its the no we can’t. But you will see clearer day after day and in time.
Love to you,
Flora
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