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Today, I pulled myself together and took the first ballet class I’ve had in 16 days. 🙁 It was horrible. I felt like a noodle. It didn’t help that the accompanist is horrible and plays too fast, and the teacher didn’t slow her down. But, that’s not really the point, is it?
I went into the dressing room where my BFF and another very good friend who know all about my situation, comforted me as I felt so despondent; so hopeless as it all seems so completely overwhelming.
I need a financial meals on wheels to come in and figure it all out for me. I will show up and do it, then.
Damn him. I thought he was going to be my rock and inspiration. it certainly seemed like that, 23 years ago.
I came home… husband and son had gone shopping. And then— a thought came to me.
Husband had taken the “mother ship” to his new lair in the basement. But, he assured me that he was NOT going to install it. However, he would need to plug it in, if he needed to do my bookkeeping. Of course, that is also crap.
I went down to the basement which is a fucking mess and half the ceiling is missing because we had a flood due to the boy’s toilet overflowing. (sure, its hilarious)… Oh yeah, we got the insurance money which we needed for day to day living expenses instead of dipping into our “retirement.” (which if we keep up at our present rate, will be completely liquidated within the next 3 years) and then, there will be absolutely nothing left. (yes, am working on all of that)
I walked over to the new home for the mothership… Maybe a new word? Mothership is just waaaaaaay too nice a word.
dickship?
I won’t leave you in SUSPENSE any longer. (she said, verrrry sarcastically)
Of course the fucking thing WAS PLUGGED IN AND ALL HOOKED UP!!!
As I was TRYING TO TURN THE FUCKING THING ON, BUT COULD NOT (what else is new?), the princely husband returneth’d.
I got him down there and of course, started SCREAMING AT HIM— again. 🙁
because, of course, this was ANOTHER LIE and a pretty fucking blatant one at that.
He was verrrrrry nervous and I could hear and see the dry cotton mouth of a LIAR. And then… ewww… he ALSO STANK TO HIGH FUCKING HEAVEN. Just dirty, sweaty, BO, like he hadn’t showered or put on deodorant or a clean shirt and his breath smelled like week old garlic.
I kept on feeling yet again that I NEEDED THE POLICE TO SHOW UP. (no, of course, I didn’t call them) The point is that I feel so unsafe. so, so unsafe 🙁
This makes me wonder… Any of you have stinky husbands who used to smell sweet and lovely to you? Is there some bio-chemical change that occurs? Oh, that doesn’t make sense, either. Predator was the yummiest, manliest dude— ever! 🙁
Then… of course, I don’t know…(well, i DO know!) i started looking at his history… (please be kind… I know) and saw something on fakebook and asked him to open up HIS account for me… and that is when I saw several back and forth EXCHANGES— with a very attractive “former” (he says) employee at the company he works like a Trojan and gets paid a janitor’s salary. (at least, around these parts of inflated salaries, for others, who are not him).
Here are a few of them, as he put it “harmless” little “flirtations from between 2008- last May… and oh… he also commented on how he had ALSO emailed her on her email.
” Monique, you never answered my question about the nude cyclist. Did you take it?
I was looking at those pics of “Caresys 2006”. Did you know that you are extremely photogenic?
Yes, OK, that was 2 questions. What are you going to do about it?”
Monique – no wonder it’s so hard to see you. You’ve got 54 friends!!!!
I’ll never catch up to you.
Monique,
Thanks for visiting tonight. You have a wonderful sense of humor and I went home in a really good mood, which is almost entirely your fault.
You are really great fun.
Sweet dreams.”
***
Sweet dreams!?!? She’s FUN??? (she works for a coffin company now,) Wow, that IS FUN!!! Oh, and she has FOUR children (they all have from 4-6 children) and she’s MARRIED– well, duh… I mean what “fun” would it be if he wasn’t fucking over not only his beautiful wife, but also some woman’s trusting husband.
BTW, Husband does not see this as being UNFAITHFUL to me. He thinks of them as “harmless” flirtations, that won’t ever go anywhere. (of course, this comment is like pouring gasoline onto my already raging bonfire)
Fortunately, her comments neither lead him on or escalated the overtly sexual nature of these titillating (I really hate that word) back and forths. What if she HAD reciprocated? The next thing you know… well you KNOW!!!
So, we “discussed” it some more.
now… here’s the kicker. are you ready?
He wants to know what he needs to do, to earn back my trust?
my answer?
When you are dead. 🙁
(i really did use to be such a sweet, loving woman.)
Love,
Lexie
PS: I am fully aware of how unproductive all of this is… and at how it is not bringing me closer to any fucking wisteria or trips to Italy… its just that I’m so phenomenally hurt.
no, destroyed and I don’t know how I’m ever going to get out of this hole.
Lexie-So sorry for you. Your’e husband is beyond belief!! Mine is too-just keeps lieing and lieing. Admitted yesterday that he fantasized about other women while making love to me, but of course that was in the early part of his addiction. Fuck – he still is. Seems like it just keeps going on and on for us. I, too, feel destroyed and have no idea how I am ever going to get over this.
Even with your’e anger and frustration, I still laugh at some of the content in your post’s. At least feel good that you can express yourself and tell it like it is, and that you maintain your sense of humor.
Love To YouGosh Lexie, go let the MF live in his car, hire a great attorney, and the rest is “history”.
I don’t like him AT ALL!!!
Love, Nap
lie and deny lie and deny lie and deny lie and deny
What? Why won’t you forgive me?
they are all a broken record.
sorry Lexie
oh yeah and minimize
– their dicks!I actually asked my h (who is in really great shape) if he acts out because he is getting man boobs and feels old!! hahahahaha
He is now lifting weights more and threw out his back and had to go to chiropractor!!! 🙂
Sorry Lexie – why is he such a fucking liar…actually, why are they ALL freaking LIARS?? Chicken shit bastards – just be a man and let us know so we can be women and make clear decisions of whether we want your asses instead of deciding for us that it would be better if we didn’t no. THEY HAVE NO FUCKING COMMON SENSE!
Oh, Hadj608 – my husband was ripped when we started dating and is probably about 25 pounds over weight now and when I found out recently about him being an SA I was at home alone just steaming about everything. I thought to myself “who in the hell does he think he is flirting with women and sexting on top of all the porn shit on the internet, he has fucking MAN BOOBS!! He’s not some hot dude that everyone wants…loser.” LMAO!!!!
~ ShakenNotBroken
Sorry Lexie – why is he such a fucking liar…actually, why are they ALL freaking LIARS?? Chicken shit bastards – just be a man and let us know so we can be women and make clear decisions of whether we want your asses instead of deciding for us that it would be better if we didn’t no. THEY HAVE NO FUCKING COMMON SENSE!
Oh, Hadj608 – my husband was ripped when we started dating and is probably about 25 pounds over weight now and when I found out recently about him being an SA I was at home alone just steaming about everything. I thought to myself “who in the hell does he think he is flirting with women and sexting on top of all the porn shit on the internet, he has fucking MAN BOOBS!! He’s not some hot dude that everyone wants…loser.” LMAO!!!!
~ ShakenNotBroken
Lexie,
Ugh…so heartbroken for you, for all of us…
These guys…so pathetic and cowardly.
And Shaken, I think they do have common sense, just no compassion or the ability to think past “ME, ME, ME.”
Sorry, I’m crabby tonight. I just want to throw up.
And Lexie, I’ll take a bad ballet class over this any day. Just sayin… 😉
Love, ZGthanks so much everyone for your support. I really appreciate it.
Yes… husband just came over and got down on his KNEES…
wtf???
and apologized PROFUSELY (with his still really stinking breath and he was at least 3 feet away from me)
“L… I’m sorry… I’m really, really sorry. I know that I’ve hurt you deeply for years– for a very long time and I’m really sorry…but I wasn’t TRYING TO HURT YOU, I WAS ONLY LOOKING OUT FOR MYSELF”
I told him that ONLY looking out for yourself, was INHERENTLY hurtful as we are supposed to be a TEAM, and he’s ONLY remorseful WHEN he gets caught. And not EVEN on the MANY occasions when I’ve asked him point blank what he’s up to. no remorse or apology or admission then.
pussy.
And then I told him that he could take his lame apology and shove it up his ass.
I went into the kitchen to make some hot chocolate and when I came back he had scurried back into his little rat hole.
He stinks in every way imaginable and when he was “apologizing”, he looked so incredibly ugly to me.
just a really ugly pathetic excuse for a man. 🙁
p.s. Nap pointed out something which is true… I have times, when I still feel loving and friendly towards him… like yesterday. It was almost like the “old” days, but then… it just hits me— those days are gone. and all I feel is the pain.
I admire women who want to try to “stick it out”, but what is happening to me, is that he keeps doing stuff which makes me feel continuously unsafe.
He really needs to throw everything out, including his facebook… and start COMPLETELY OVER, but no.
Lexie- I am with who ever said to kick his ass out and make him sleep in the car. IT IS HIS PROBLEM!! I wouldn’t worry in the least about what happens to him. He is a f
sleezball and belongs in the gutter! I hate him too.Lexie-I also admire women who stick it out, but my husband keeps his grimy little hands in the height of addiction, as well. I was doing well until these last two episodes, now feeling traumatized all over again-definitely symptoms of PTSD. He appeared to be doing everything he is supposed to do. Then, he shifts gears, and now there is this incestual shit. He says he just objectified his daughter like he would any other woman. (Looking at her boobs at least 5-6 x’s) Like any other woman???? She is his daughter for Christ’s sake. And the sister – Says he didn’t realize it was an inappropriate hug, and even seems to question me as to the fact I saw him do it. First he admits he was hugging her tightly, (To say the least) because he is really getting close to her and wanted her to have a nice birthday. Then he said a couple of days later he doesn’t remember doing it. Jesus Fuck (Sorry about the language- saying the most vile words seem to make me feel better). Ya, I’m nuts!
I am feeling more hopeless every day. We are getting ready to move to the country in 1 mo. and I feel trapped because of financial reasons. It scares the hell out of me to have to live on $1680./mo. Almost impossible.
I’m rambling.
Back to you, Lexie-You owe him NOTHING!Lexie,
You said: :” I have times, when I still feel loving and friendly towards him… like yesterday. It was almost like the “old” days, but then… it just hits me— those days are gone. and all I feel is the pain.”
Wow, girl, it’s like you copied and pasted that from my brain…my heart…I actually have chills right now.
And I’m one of the ones thinking of/trying to stick it out with an SA who is actually attempting recovery. I’m not sure, but it’s possible the pain may be too great…Lexie tell him you will only trust him if he wears a chastity belt. I’m SURE he can find one on the internet with the mothership….do they make XS?
Dear Lexie,
I think in many ways your husband sounds like mine? And then in many he doesn’t? What they have in common? They are both weak and easy to beat down. What they dont have in common…my sex life was full and my husband doesn’t bother too much with chat…he is more into the right to the sex part and then get the hell out asap and usually run right home to me?? WTF Do you know once he went from being sexual with a hooker to coming home and having sex with me….?? Naturally, I didn’t know. 🙁
Anyway, he says many of the things your husband says..he didn’t want to hurt me, didn’t want to lose me ect ect Blah, blah Blah. I feel as you do that he stole my life under false pretences and basically alternate between wishing he would just drop dead (I am not joking) to just wishing I had never laid eyes on him? We also have a challenging child and I also went many years thinking he loved me and that he was a good man. I am close to your age. I can also sometimes fall into laughing with him anf forgetting for a few hours the horror….BUT it always comes back and then I feel despair as I look at the familiar face and know that it lied to me over and over. He also wants me to remain with him and of course he is NEVER going to do it again? For the first time EVER he is saying he will go to a therapist….HUGE for him, but means little to me? I know he has a radar to my heart and on some level he knows that I am so close to not caring about $$, KID, old age, pension ect ect BECAUSE I am looking at him in a way I never did for all those years? I am looking at him and wondering if there is even a sliver of love left for him in my heart? I have told myself it was for my son, for my old age, for my financial security ect ect but i am not quite so sure anymore? i have lived away from him for over a year. the anger is lessening and sometimes I feel like you do ….pity for him. I don’t know where I am going with this…I don’t know what I am trying to say? I think I am just saying I understand? Hate and rage are not the opposite of love. Indifference is the opposite of love….With indifference you can have a friendly divorce or anything else you want? And indifference is when you REALLY drive the nail in without even meaning to…Thats as far as I got….Love you Lexie Karen x
thanks honey… back to no sleep which i know is bad for me, but its better than being carted away by the police.
I don’t have sex/intimacy/love/trust
Yes, yes, hubbie says that he’s DONE. really? but how is that going to be so? i am more disgusted with him than ever and even FURTHER away from giving him whatever his pathological needs are!
and I don’t have a retirement.
I DO care about money because i’m so effin tired of being poor and not having enough to pay our bills and having to dip into the rapidly dwindling slush fund.
BECAUSE he chose to fuck around instead of figuring out how to make a decent living, while I was doing my best.
well… i’m truly exhausted now.
i keep wanting to call the police.
what is that all about?
i’m not safe. that’s my bottom line.
it supersedes everything.
Hi Lexie,
Thinking of you today. I think the reason you want to call the police is because you want justice. What we suffer from these men is total injustice and they act like its just a bad hair day. They are so used to injustifing us, they don’t know what true justice is anymore. This demonstrates to me how morally bankrupt they become as a result of their addictive brain. Their reasoning and judgement are so impaired. It totally explains why you wouldnt feel safe. Hope your today is better. Your friend, love, NapInteresting, some movies that I have watched over and over again: The Net, Double Jepordy, Enough, Freeway. I finally realized the common theme. In the end the scum finally got their due. That is why it never got old to watch them.
I was totaly blown away when I first realized it, now it gives me a sense of calm.It all stinks to high heaven. In fact I can smell that man all the way west and north to Alberta. PEEEEYOOOOOO!
We have to let go of what we’re hanging onto, before we can take what is ready to be handed to us.
We have to make room for what is waiting for there to be room.
We have to leave something behind, in order to make some journeys to the end.
etcetcetc.
Let go. Make room. Leave it behind.
Dxo
Lexie, the minimizing he’s doing makes me sick. These “men” {and I use that term loosely, since they’re not even CLOSE to being men, and are instead complete wastes of sperm LITERALLY} all have the same lines, excuses, behavior, etc. As far as the smell factor, I HEAR YOU!! My “thing” smells like shit all the time. He doesn’t bathe often, can go days without brushing his teeth, rarely washes his hair, and is always a sweaty disaster cause he’s a hairy fucking ape. UGH. Needless to say I clean my house constantly to rid it of his stench. Hopefully one day I can rid it of him altogether.
Hi Lexie
Sorry things are so tough for you at the moment. I completely understand you saying you feel ‘unsafe’. That’s exactly how I used to feel. You just never knew what might happen next, or if what was being said was true. It’s no way to live. Constant uncertainty. My SA was also stinky. He had an ingrowing toenail which got infected and it took him approximately 18 months to go to the doctor! The toe swelled up to about 50% bigger than normal and spurted blood and pus all over the bed sheets. Ewww! It stank too. Gross man!
NAP, your comment about justice rings SO true for me. I have an incredibly strong sense of justice and can’t stand the fact that I don’t feel justice has been done. It messes up our ‘fairytale’ view of the world that we grow up with. The baddies lose and the goodies win. That’s how it is. Now all of a sudden the baddies seem to be winning and we are screwed by their evil deeds.
((((((hugs))))))
Bb
x
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