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Have you all heard about gaslighting? I think I remember someone mentioning it on the MTSA site. This is something I think we can all relate to (some more than others). It is based on the movie, Gaslight, made in 1944, with Ingrid Bergman. In short, it is when someone is manipulating you to a point where you begin to doubt your own reality and often begin to believe you may be crazy. I found this article, by the author of the book, The Gaslight Effect. It explains it well. Silvia Jason, a CSAT here in Houston, one of the few therapists Barbara Steffens recognizes as accepting the trauma model, does a wonderful workshop based on the movie and concept, in relation to sex addiction. I haven’t read the book, but the workshop was so beneficial and Silvia Jason recommends it. I think it would be a good read for some of you who are questioning yourself and the things your SA is telling you.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gaslighted
After reading about gaslighting, does any of it sound a little too familiar?
Warning: I would not recommend you go out and buy this movie, which isn’t easy to find, btw. It can really trigger a woman who has been gaslighted. I think it should only watched in the context of a workshop like Silvia Jason offers or while working with another therapist who is very familiar with the The Gaslight Effect.
When I first watched this movie, at one of Silvia’s workshops for wives of sex addicts, I thought I had not been gaslighted. When I thought of my husband, manipulative wasn’t one of the words that came to mind. But then, when she began her presentation, I was amazed to discover that I had been gaslighted! Not in the evil way the man in the movie does it, but it happened nonetheless. I saw no signs that should have told me my husband may be a sex addict until he told me (after some of my own discovery) almost nine years into our marriage. I remember when my sister was living with us how I KNEW she was “in love” with him. I even told my mother. I brought it up to him over and over and each time he totally played dumb, like he didn’t know what I was talking about. I really did think I was being paranoid. I never saw them flirting or anything else. I just had a feeling. Well, there was also the way she looked at him and did nice things for him like make his lunch before he went to work, lol. He was never mean to me about it. He just made me feel like I was being insecure and brushed it off like it was nothing. That workshop made me feel so validated! By that time I had known about the affair for quite a while, but hadn’t specifically dealt with those feelings I had that something wasn’t right. So liberating!
Hello Ella,
How are you? 🙂 I know what gaslighting is and I have seen the movie. Yes, my husband tried to do this to me, BUT, no he was not very effective, really. The reason? Because, for years and years his acting out (hate that word) was quite infrequent, very far away and I knew nothing about it? I wasn’t suspicious, I didn’t find any evidence and I didnt look? I was secure and happy. It wasn’t until we moved to enviroments where the opportunity and temptation was over the top (Asia, Africa) that I began to get the first inklings of a problem? However, I did not think it was a sexual problem and I didn’t think he was cheating on me? I just didn’t like the way things were changing between us and I dragged him to a MC. Fast forward 4 yrs to Asia and he was completely out of control. I was away at least 50% of the time, because of my son’s health problems and that is when he was very active. Just the same, when I came back, I knew something was very wrong and I suspected he might be having the odd indecretion, BUT, I did not suspect the magnitude of what was happening? Just the same…I withdrew from him, and I began to consider leaving…though I didn’t really know where I would go? Then I got breast cancer and my focus was not just on him? To make a long story short….eventually I found his secret cell phone. Within 2 months I had us moved off that Island and I came back to Canada. I found odd messages on his work phone a month previous to that. He tried to tell me I was imagining things, BUT it held no water. I knew my gut was right, even if I didn’t know the specifics? I did my own detective work (I kept the phone and hid it) and eventually I put a pretty big picture together and it was much bigger than I could have imagined? I have contact with my husband and he is actually here now. I have not lived with him in the last year and I believe nothing he says. I would have to say, he tried very hard to gaslight me. But His actual ability to do so was very limited UNLESS you count ALL those years when I just trusted him and that was that. For you, I cannot imagine the pain, but what you describe seems to be the standard response of ANY man caught cheating? DENY,DENY,DENY…..You can have back and white proof and flesh and blood proof and they still deny? I have a very pretty, sister 12 yrs younger than me. My husabnd has always eyed her up, but I thought it was just harmless?. It wasn’t, but I didn’t know? She never reciprocated, of course, and she said she didn’t ever get weird vibes from him either? Anyway,….with me? I think they would both be dead, Ella…I swear I do? I don’t know how you stood it. You must be very strong. Love Karen
Hi Ella,
Thank you for sharing about gaslighting and your personal experience with it from your husband. Yes, much like Karen, I was gaslighted and before I knew of the SA (have only known 10 months, married 25) I knew something was very wrong however would have never guess it was SA and also like Karen, the extent of his addiction, which is quite horrid and still is (we’re divorcing).Actually, every manipulation a SA does has been done to me. So unfortunately, I have the first hand experience and emotional damage from all of them. I think many of these manipulations may result from all the defense mechanisms they have in place. It doesnt really matter why though to me.
I am getting better and stronger everyday. I thank JoAnn, my sisters, my therapist(s), and my great divorce attny, and my 83 year old mother who has stepped up to the plate, and my dear friends, few but true. I wish my h was sober and in recovery. He chose his addiction over me. I loved him dearly for 25 years, now I don’t even know who he really is.
Love, Nap
Hi Ella,
That article made me hold my breath…it all rang true. Unfortunately, that dynamic goes far back into our marriage (going on 20 years). It seems so deeply embedded into the thread of our relationship that I wonder if it’s too late. I know it’s not to late for ME, just not sure about the marriage. Thank you for sharing that–fascinating!!
Love, ZGI was first told about gas lighting on another site and was amazed how well the description had fit me at the time D was acting out. I just couldn’t quite put my finger on what was wrong with how I felt. It took physical evidence to shock me back into the reality of my marriage. Ignorance is bliss but it wasn’t reality.
Ella,
Good topic. I had never heard the term gaslighting. Or emotional abuse or crazymaking until I picked up Bevery Engel’s book, Emotionally Abusive Relationships and The Verbally Abusive Man by Patricia Evans.
Here’s a good website on verbal abuse that I found early on.
http://www.drirene.com/I also couldn’t figure out what was wrong in my marraige. My husbands treatment of me was always veeerrryyyy nice……with lots of sideways control, gaslighting, blameshifting, ridigly defined roles, punishing, false righteousness, etc.
We had a lot of gerbil wheel fighting, recycling stuff that didn’t really matter and wasn’t the core of the problem. In order for him to feel in control somehow (or maybe it was just sadistic pleasure), he would make a big fight about something and then say he didn’t say this or that and if I persisted in the facts of the convo, he would say he thinks I am mentally ill, I’m losing it, I’m going crazy with menopause, etc.
Sometimes it wasn’t when we were fighting. We were in the boat playing guess what that building on shore is and he tore into me for having a different guess, calling me a know-it-all, ruining every good time with his insecurity.
He has since told me that he couldn’t be wrong about anything. He perceived any conflict of opinion or personal difference as a rejection and couldn’t cope with that and would deflect at any cost even to the point that he would be irrational and abusive. Of course while he is in the middle of his panic attack, he doesn’t see how out of control he looks.
One day we were quietly riding in the car, talking about a treatment program I was heading into. I told him I needed to be safe and rest to heal. I mentioned the mental abuse, him saying things and then saying he didn’t say them. He said, I KNOW I do that to you!!!!!! That was a year ago, March. I was floored to have the admission and I was creeped out to the core. This man that said he loves me, who always acted so innocently confused was purposely driving me crazy.
That cleared up a lot of previous crazy convos.
I think it is both an evil way of manipulating knowingly and sometimes more reactionary and (in their mind) self defensive, to delfect from their weakness.
Ick,
Debora
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