Tips for Stuck

Sometimes we just have to let our subconscious brain sort through all the details. When we are stuck we often can’t see the forest for the trees (sorry–old cliche). The more we think about whatever the issue is the more confused we become.

So, when I am stuck I literally go into my ‘Scarlett O’Hara’ act. ‘Well, fiddle dee dee, I’ll think about that tomorrow!’

Now, we all know it ‘s not that easy to turn off our brains when life changing decisions have to be made, so here’s my trick. Any activity will work, it just has to be something that will take your mind completely off of the problem.

I clean! Not just surface, but deep cleaning. Closets, cupboards, boxes that have been packed up for years, files no longer needed, the garage. It has to be something that does require more than just rote cleaning. And, to further distract my brain I play my favorite music–whatever I am in the mood for, which could be Mozart for inspiration, Jan Dismas Zelenka when I”m moody, Oldies Rock and Roll for energy or Norah Jones when I need soft Jazz.

And, if all else fails I have two glasses of red wine and have a good cry.

Then, when tomorrow comes I do have much better clarity. If not, wash, rinse and repeat.

I deep clean too, if I can.

But my biggest help is to brain storm. I just sit with a pen and paper, do a deep breath or two and then just write whatever comes to mind. The important thing to remember is not to think about what I’m writing; I just let whatever words pop into my head flow out onto the sheet of paper. Sometimes I’ll do it for five minutes, sometimes fifteen, but when I’m done I’ll feel a bit less cluttered in my brain. But the paper looks a mess! Sometimes I’ll see a pattern emerge and other times it’s total nonsense but it always goes into the garbage.

Hugs,
SS

I call or text SL. She always gets me cracking up after a few minutes, and then I feel more motivated. Everyone needs a fun text friend!

Oooh, I LOVE the idea of trying brainstorming with my other hand..I never heard of that before. I’ll try it next time – thanks, JoAnn!

Agreed, ZG, we all need a friend to make you laugh! I love someone with a warped sense of humor, especially when my world is a mess. If I can laugh at it, then I know I can get through it!

Hugs,
SS

Thinking of you, annabegins. Hang in there…the uncertainty is the hardest. I’m with ya there!
Sending you love, Julie

Man, I wish I cleaned when I was angry or stressed out. Fortunately h does, so I know how to um, motivate him, lol.

Anna, I am so sorry you are feeling depressed and uncertain. I guess that’s par for the course (did I use that right?). The beginning months are the worst and it doesn’t help that you can’t really begin healing, imo, until you either get a full disclosure and he is truly in recovery, OR you leave. But often it takes time to get to either of those places, although I don’t think an addict has any excuse to postpone giving you a full “formal disclosure”, which means with the guidance of a skilled therapist.

You know about addiction, Anna. Can you share what you learned from your history that you can apply here?

Anna,

I think that a lot of us, also have complicated relationships and that is okay. And that well, makes all of this, all the more complicated.

I think that sometimes, we make it more difficult out of FEAR. Ironically, the fear is what causes us to go adrift and then the thing we feared the most becomes a reality as a result.

I believe that if my h could’ve voiced some of his fears to me, then we could’ve avoided a lot of this. Instead, he used other women as his sounding board and left me out in the cold. I remember a few years ago, having these very painful conversations with him, where I would voice MY needs to him, but he didn’t meet me even one inch.

no. he moved towards someone else, instead and he says he doesn’t know why.

That for me, is what hurts the most. But it also makes sense, because he feared rejection from the one woman he did love, and yet, his actions were guaranteed to bring about the rejections… I would never have done that, if he had been honest with me, in the first place! But, I don’t think he could even voice whatever it was that he was thinking or feeling.

that’s an intimacy disorder.

its all bass ackwards!

Anna, I’m sorry I am just now seeing your response to my question.

Your insight and candidness are refreshing. I do hear some women say they are not ready for a full disclosure and I have mixed feelings on that, which I won’t go into now. Thank you so much for sharing what you have learned about recovery. I pray it gives some others on this site hope and others the realization that, even if their SA is unwilling or unable to recover, recovery is possible. It is wonderful how you have been able to use your own experience to help you undersand your husband.

I disagree with what many therapists who say you must work on yourself before you can work on your marriage. Sometimes that is the case, and maybe it is with you, but often individual work and couple’s work can and should be done simultaneously. Obviously both partner’s must be willing to do this though, or it will not be effective. Maybe that is why you feel stuck. You are living with this man and yet not working together on your issues.

Yes, Lylo, exactly! That is why the COSA model infuriates me so much. Whether we stay with him or not, we need to talk about him! After all, he is the reason we are in this mess. He is the one we committed ourselves to, usually many years ago. He is the one we thought we could trust, thought was our best friend, though would never betray us. We need to process all that. A therapist who says don’t focus on him, but focus on yourself is doing you a great disservice.

Now, I do have a client who has been stuck in her anger for many months, even though her h is doing well in recovery (which to me also mean making progress in other areas such as his lying, anger etc.) and she repeatedly states she wants to stay married. When I say anger, I mean every time she is triggered she becomes violent toward him. She never cries and is very emotionally abusive. I was patient with this for a very long time and told her it was okay to feel this way, but I have learned a lot from her. She is one of the exceptions, who is now ready to focus on herself more (in addition to continuing marriage counseling). She has actually led me to recognize this and told me this is what she wants (to do some work on herself and why she can’t get underneath the anger and to the hurt). I did finally tell him it was time to tell her “no more hitting”. He has found the courage to restrain her (not hurt her) when before he just took it. I was shocked to learn during our last visit that SHE bought him a new ring (he had already gotten her one months before, and I told them he was trying to reconcile too soon and I would hold off on that). Anyhow, she recognized how hard he had been working and how abusive she had been, and she actually took him to a special place and got on one knee and proposed to him. They plan to renew ther vows. Now, I am still not in a place where I am ready to do the vow renewal, although I plan to one day. But each situation is unique and I learn so much from my clients. Some may balk at this story, but I think if you knew all the details, you would understand. They still have a long road ahead, but I think this is one of the examples of a marriage with SA issues, that will have a happy ending.

Hmmm, can you send me that post so I can read it in context?

Ohhh….this: “I pray it gives some others on this site hope and others the realization that, even if their SA is unwilling or unable to recover, recovery is possible.”

I meant even for those whose SA is not in recovery, it is possible for some addicts to find sobriety.