Home › discussions › Health › Tips for Stuck
- This topic has 35 replies, 12 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 5 months ago by
stillstanding.
-
AuthorPosts
-
September 19, 2011 at 2:16 pm #3699
nap
ParticipantHi all,
I have days where I’m very productive, then have have days when I’m stuck and can’t seem to do anything. I love JoAnns tip about the ‘one touch rule’.Please share any tips you might have to help getting unstuck. Thanks!
September 19, 2011 at 2:46 pm #19006joann
ParticipantSometimes we just have to let our subconscious brain sort through all the details. When we are stuck we often can’t see the forest for the trees (sorry–old cliche). The more we think about whatever the issue is the more confused we become.
So, when I am stuck I literally go into my ‘Scarlett O’Hara’ act. ‘Well, fiddle dee dee, I’ll think about that tomorrow!’
Now, we all know it ‘s not that easy to turn off our brains when life changing decisions have to be made, so here’s my trick. Any activity will work, it just has to be something that will take your mind completely off of the problem.
I clean! Not just surface, but deep cleaning. Closets, cupboards, boxes that have been packed up for years, files no longer needed, the garage. It has to be something that does require more than just rote cleaning. And, to further distract my brain I play my favorite music–whatever I am in the mood for, which could be Mozart for inspiration, Jan Dismas Zelenka when I”m moody, Oldies Rock and Roll for energy or Norah Jones when I need soft Jazz.
And, if all else fails I have two glasses of red wine and have a good cry.
Then, when tomorrow comes I do have much better clarity. If not, wash, rinse and repeat.
September 19, 2011 at 2:50 pm #19007joann
ParticipantP.S. Today is a Zelenka day.
September 19, 2011 at 3:02 pm #19008stillstanding
ParticipantI deep clean too, if I can.
But my biggest help is to brain storm. I just sit with a pen and paper, do a deep breath or two and then just write whatever comes to mind. The important thing to remember is not to think about what I’m writing; I just let whatever words pop into my head flow out onto the sheet of paper. Sometimes I’ll do it for five minutes, sometimes fifteen, but when I’m done I’ll feel a bit less cluttered in my brain. But the paper looks a mess! Sometimes I’ll see a pattern emerge and other times it’s total nonsense but it always goes into the garbage.
Hugs,
SSSeptember 19, 2011 at 3:27 pm #19009joann
ParticipantSS, I’ve done that brainstorm writing too, especially when I have writer’s block. I make a circle and put my main idea or word in it and then put words or ideas all around the circle.
Another tip that really works with this is to write with your non-dominant hand. It increases the communication between both hemispheres of the brain and can bring new insights.
Of course, then you can’t read what you wrote!
September 19, 2011 at 3:37 pm #19010zumbagirl
MemberI call or text SL. She always gets me cracking up after a few minutes, and then I feel more motivated. Everyone needs a fun text friend!
September 19, 2011 at 3:37 pm #19011zumbagirl
MemberI call or text SL. She always gets me cracking up after a few minutes, and then I feel more motivated. Everyone needs a fun text friend!
September 19, 2011 at 8:34 pm #19012stillstanding
ParticipantOooh, I LOVE the idea of trying brainstorming with my other hand..I never heard of that before. I’ll try it next time – thanks, JoAnn!
Agreed, ZG, we all need a friend to make you laugh! I love someone with a warped sense of humor, especially when my world is a mess. If I can laugh at it, then I know I can get through it!
Hugs,
SSSeptember 20, 2011 at 2:06 am #19013annabegins
ParticipantI’ve recently taken up painting. Nothing spectacular just working on painting ‘princess dresses’ based on Disney characters to frame and decorate my 4 yo daughters room
who knew?!? I never picked up a paint brush before but working on the paintings takes my mind completely off of the chaos I’m currently facing. Ty ladies for the additional ideas as I am feeling completely stuck based on fear of the uncertainty in my life. Apparently I need to pull out the brushes againto improve my mood today. Am depressed and overwhelmed right now. Xxoo
AnnaSeptember 20, 2011 at 1:54 pm #19014zumbagirl
MemberThinking of you, annabegins. Hang in there…the uncertainty is the hardest. I’m with ya there!
Sending you love, JulieSeptember 20, 2011 at 2:04 pm #19015diane
ParticipantI’m also a cleaner—well more like a tidier. I go around the house “swooshing” things into a semblance of order.
When I feel perfectly dreadful, I have a variation on the Scarlet O-Hara thing. I just remind myself that I will not feel quite so bad tomorrow, so wait until the worst of it is past.
I also write when I’m in a mess. I just write down how horrible it feels and blast anyone I need to blast. It may sound awful, but I feel better after I’ve written down dreadful things.
September 20, 2011 at 6:38 pm #19016ella
ParticipantMan, I wish I cleaned when I was angry or stressed out. Fortunately h does, so I know how to um, motivate him, lol.
Anna, I am so sorry you are feeling depressed and uncertain. I guess that’s par for the course (did I use that right?). The beginning months are the worst and it doesn’t help that you can’t really begin healing, imo, until you either get a full disclosure and he is truly in recovery, OR you leave. But often it takes time to get to either of those places, although I don’t think an addict has any excuse to postpone giving you a full “formal disclosure”, which means with the guidance of a skilled therapist.
You know about addiction, Anna. Can you share what you learned from your history that you can apply here?
September 22, 2011 at 3:20 am #19017annabegins
ParticipantIf I am being honest, I dont think I am ready for full discloure from him. Ive not asked for more details even though I know there is more to the story than he has said.
Our therapists say we should work on ourselves before working on our relationship so am using this as an excuse to not deal at this time, but def makes me feel stuck. For now, it is my own choosing.
I am not like many of the women w sah who were taken by complete surprise by their h behavior and who are heartbroken by it. Our relationship is a complicated one, and one that worked for many years, part of the reason it worked was because I felt safe. Although not a healthy relationship, I realize that on some level, because I felt in control of it, and of my emotions in the relationship I felt safe. Now I feel like a scared child unraveling, rather than a heartbroken spouse.
With respect to what Ive learned in my own recovery, I know that it can work, that people do recover. The decision has to be their own, and they have to really work at it. I also know that you have to live your life one day at a time, you have to forgive yourself of your past, while never forgetting it. This is I think the hardest part of being the spouse of a sa. In order for them to really recover, they have to move on from the self hatred and fear that drives many of them (not all) to behave the way they do(some are just a holes, but some are very hurt people with very poor coping skills) It sends many a spouse into a tailspin wondering why their spouse seems so great, while they continue to suffer. I know it happened in our home when I stopped drinking. It took at least a year for my husband to trust the change.
Anyway, that is my two cents for what its worth. Am feeling a little better today, but constantly amazed at how difficult it is for me and my sah to communicate honestly about anything. Is exhausting………………..September 22, 2011 at 3:44 am #19018lexie
ParticipantAnna,
I think that a lot of us, also have complicated relationships and that is okay. And that well, makes all of this, all the more complicated.
I think that sometimes, we make it more difficult out of FEAR. Ironically, the fear is what causes us to go adrift and then the thing we feared the most becomes a reality as a result.
I believe that if my h could’ve voiced some of his fears to me, then we could’ve avoided a lot of this. Instead, he used other women as his sounding board and left me out in the cold. I remember a few years ago, having these very painful conversations with him, where I would voice MY needs to him, but he didn’t meet me even one inch.
no. he moved towards someone else, instead and he says he doesn’t know why.
That for me, is what hurts the most. But it also makes sense, because he feared rejection from the one woman he did love, and yet, his actions were guaranteed to bring about the rejections… I would never have done that, if he had been honest with me, in the first place! But, I don’t think he could even voice whatever it was that he was thinking or feeling.
that’s an intimacy disorder.
its all bass ackwards!
September 22, 2011 at 3:49 am #19019annabegins
ParticipantWow Lexie. You just hit the nail on the head for me. He is so afraid of rejection, that he wont risk being honest w me. I guess I am afraid of that too. And fear is a huge driver of what keeps me stuck. It so fricking complicated and yet so simple. Being honest with ourselves about who we are and what we want, and then being honest and vulnerable with another. Sounds simple on the surface but can be the most difficult thing in the world
September 29, 2011 at 4:28 am #19020ella
ParticipantAnna, I’m sorry I am just now seeing your response to my question.
Your insight and candidness are refreshing. I do hear some women say they are not ready for a full disclosure and I have mixed feelings on that, which I won’t go into now. Thank you so much for sharing what you have learned about recovery. I pray it gives some others on this site hope and others the realization that, even if their SA is unwilling or unable to recover, recovery is possible. It is wonderful how you have been able to use your own experience to help you undersand your husband.
I disagree with what many therapists who say you must work on yourself before you can work on your marriage. Sometimes that is the case, and maybe it is with you, but often individual work and couple’s work can and should be done simultaneously. Obviously both partner’s must be willing to do this though, or it will not be effective. Maybe that is why you feel stuck. You are living with this man and yet not working together on your issues.
September 29, 2011 at 5:39 am #19021lylo
ParticipantAh, Ella. I want to scream when the therapists tell us not to focus on him, but to simply work on ourselves. I have no intention of managing his efforts, but anyone who thinks that we don’t need to gauge how engaged they are in the process is crazy. I need to plan for my future. I will still work on my healing regardless, but if he is not on-board and fully invested in figuring out his demons, then I need to plan for a different future. Even divorce is not written in stone and that path can be altered, but it is a step forward, if deemed the logical response to a lack of commitment to come to a complete “day of reckoning”.
September 29, 2011 at 2:39 pm #19022ella
ParticipantYes, Lylo, exactly! That is why the COSA model infuriates me so much. Whether we stay with him or not, we need to talk about him! After all, he is the reason we are in this mess. He is the one we committed ourselves to, usually many years ago. He is the one we thought we could trust, thought was our best friend, though would never betray us. We need to process all that. A therapist who says don’t focus on him, but focus on yourself is doing you a great disservice.
Now, I do have a client who has been stuck in her anger for many months, even though her h is doing well in recovery (which to me also mean making progress in other areas such as his lying, anger etc.) and she repeatedly states she wants to stay married. When I say anger, I mean every time she is triggered she becomes violent toward him. She never cries and is very emotionally abusive. I was patient with this for a very long time and told her it was okay to feel this way, but I have learned a lot from her. She is one of the exceptions, who is now ready to focus on herself more (in addition to continuing marriage counseling). She has actually led me to recognize this and told me this is what she wants (to do some work on herself and why she can’t get underneath the anger and to the hurt). I did finally tell him it was time to tell her “no more hitting”. He has found the courage to restrain her (not hurt her) when before he just took it. I was shocked to learn during our last visit that SHE bought him a new ring (he had already gotten her one months before, and I told them he was trying to reconcile too soon and I would hold off on that). Anyhow, she recognized how hard he had been working and how abusive she had been, and she actually took him to a special place and got on one knee and proposed to him. They plan to renew ther vows. Now, I am still not in a place where I am ready to do the vow renewal, although I plan to one day. But each situation is unique and I learn so much from my clients. Some may balk at this story, but I think if you knew all the details, you would understand. They still have a long road ahead, but I think this is one of the examples of a marriage with SA issues, that will have a happy ending.
September 29, 2011 at 2:49 pm #19023nap
ParticipantHi Ella,
You stated in a previous post that recovery is possible for a SA who is unwilling or unable. Please explain to me how this is possible?
Thank you, NapSeptember 29, 2011 at 8:06 pm #19024ella
ParticipantHmmm, can you send me that post so I can read it in context?
September 29, 2011 at 10:08 pm #19025nap
ParticipantHi Ella, it’s your last post on page 1 of this forum.
September 30, 2011 at 2:10 am #19026ella
ParticipantOhhh….this: “I pray it gives some others on this site hope and others the realization that, even if their SA is unwilling or unable to recover, recovery is possible.”
I meant even for those whose SA is not in recovery, it is possible for some addicts to find sobriety.
September 30, 2011 at 2:11 am #19027ella
ParticipantThere has to be a great deal of motivation and willingness to overcome any addiction. And some have that. Many don’t. It is easy to become disenchanted when something isn’t working out in your own life, and to generalize your experiences to everyone else, so that you begin to believe success in whatever that thing is, is impossible.
September 30, 2011 at 2:18 am #19028nap
Participant“even if their SA is unwilling or unable to recover, recovery is possible.”. How??? Please be specific.
Thank you, NapSeptember 30, 2011 at 2:47 am #19029kmf
MemberDear Ella,
Point taken. Sadly, the reverse is also true? It is easy to become enchanted when you believe something is working out in your own life, and to generalize your experiences to everyone else, so that you begin to believe success in whatever that thing is, is possible……even when the odds say something completely different? Just saying ?
Karen xx -
AuthorPosts
- The forum ‘Health’ is closed to new topics and replies.