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Well Sisters, here’s Part 1 of the rest of my life.
My decision has been made that I do not want Larry in my life. That decision was a long time coming (seven years now) but I feel that I did everything that I could to understand, compromise, forgive and support him.
Unfortunately his mental illnesses of newly recognized ADD (he is proceeding with the diagnostic evaluation and testing), diagnosed severe depression, diagnosed Avoidant PD, diagnosed Alexithymia, and now the psychologist’s opinion that he also suffers from anti-social personality disorder (sociopath) make any more efforts futile.
So, even though the housing market is in the toilet I have decided to try to sell the house next spring and move close to one of my children. I will stay busy over the next few months having the decks replaced, sprucing up the landscaping and repairing the driveway so that it will be presentable to the market.
I asked Larry to move out, but he negotiated living downstairs (very comfortable for him as he has everything down there in the completely finished 2,400 sq. ft. walk out basement). He says this will take the financial burden from me until the house is sold.
Now I recognize that he is not that altruistic and I know that this scenario was negotiated out of his fear of abandonment and his issues with being alone. But, that’s okay. No more arguing here. It will definitely make it easier for me financially, so I’ll take it. I am non-committal now, say very little and just keep the peace. I have no more desire to ‘make’ him understand or explain my feelings. That’s all over.
I agreed to let him continue living downstairs on the condition that he stays completely away from me, as I will not allow him to think that things can be worked out. Even if he got a lobotomy next week it still won’t matter. I was very clear on that point. I also told him that if I cannot tolerate this living situation then he will have to move out.
In the meantime I will spend a lot of time visiting my children, pursuing social fun stuff and downsizing all of my stuff in anticipation of the move.
Now, if the house does not sell we have a totally different situation. In that case I think I will negotiate with Larry about renting the house from me until it sells. Then I would move out and move on.
We have decided to continue with the terms of our Legal Separation that is already in place mainly because of Larry’s retired military health insurance that will cover me for life and also provide coverage anywhere in the world. This is very valuable to me especially considering my vagabond children. Medicare does not cover you when you are out of the country, even on vacation, so most retirees have to purchase special health insurance when they travel and this is very expensive.
This decision has just taken such a load off of my shoulders. It was like a big ‘sigh’ of relief. It just takes so much energy to try to get someone to understand when they are speaking a different language. It’s like spending years trying to get someone who is color blind to admit that red is red and not green. We can understand their color blindness, read all the books about it; we can talk until we are exhausted and frustrated, and they can try as hard as they can with 12 step green addiction groups (sorry), counseling or plans that will help them learn to see red. But they will never, ever see red as we see it.
I have done so much research into the personality disorders and I still believe that most sex addicts suffer from a variety of personality disorders. And, I am still very angry that 7 years of intense and very expensive counseling did not recognize Larry’s very obvious mental illnesses. Each and every one has only been diagnosed because of my insistence. Never once did a counselor suggest testing, or even hint that there was anything more that the almighty ‘sex addiction’.
But, I guess the bottom line to all this is, it doesn’t matter what we call it. Sex addiction, personality disorders, selfishness, being a jerk, an asshole or a poor victim of their own childhood abuse. What does matter is what they have done to us and whether or not we can tolerate it.
If we can live with who they are, then we should, as long as that is a conscious choice and IF we have all the facts. If we think there is hope for change, it should only be based on realistic expectations, not the fantasy promises of a disordered mind or some misguided counselor. If we can’t tolerate who they are, then we should leave. We cannot change them.
Dearest JoAnn,
You are so wise and smart and thorough and patient and kind and loving. You really DID give it your best, best shot and I think you have made the right decision and I am so happy for you. I think this has weighed heavily on your mind for a long time now and like we always say….. We can only do things when we are ready and in “our own time”. You have simply arrived. 🙂
You sound clear, concise, and level headed. This is such a hard decision And I am so very proud of you! You have many wonderful things in your life to look forward to and I’m excited for you.
Slumber party attendance?????
JoAnn,
I’m happy you were able to come to a clear and truthful decision. It is not easy to do and you have done it. It takes courage, dignity, and self love to do so and currently have tears on my cheeks thinking about you. Wishing you the peace and happiness you so deserve and that we all deserve.
Much love, NapThank you for sharing your decision with us. We are very concerned for you. JoAnn, you deserve more; you deserve faithfulness; you deserve to have an honest husband. I do not think divorce is for everyone, but I respect your very personal decision. You live with Larry; we do not. I truly believe that we can all have opinions about other people’s lives, but we do not have to live with the positive or negative consequences of those decisions. These decisions are HUGE and have life-changing consequences, but I am very hopeful for your future and am very proud of you. We can find other people to go to events with, people to eat with, people to laugh and cry with…I know there will be losses, but there will be many gains for you, as you have well thought out.
Much love, B. TrayedThank you JoAnn, for being as vulnerable as everyone else on this site. I do believe that when the research finally appears, these decisions will make even more sense. But for now they make sense at the level of keeping you sane, and making room for joy in your life. And those are good reasons.
I do believe that the capacity for staying and potential for renewing the relationship are related to the length of time the person has been an SA, the kind of trauma/abuse that precipitated the addiction, and the other disorders and dysfunctional patterns of behaviour they have acquired along the way. It is very sad that Larry’s life was so filled with these things, there was no room for a real relationship with our wonderful JoAnn. And, as you say, we have to keep throwing these ideas out to the doctors and therapists because they all seem to have their heads up Carnes ass.
Be gentle with yourself, and don’t try and get it all set up in a week. One day at a time. It will all unfold. Your future is already on its way to you. And it will be good.
love to you,
diane.JoAnn,
Thanks from me also for sharing so much with us. You sound clear headed and definitive. I can almost hear your relief. I can imagine, though, it still hurts like hell, and I’m so very sorry for that. So, as Diane said, be gentle with yourself. You don’t have to build Rome in a day (although you’ve probably already done that, hee hee). I do hope you’ll be good to yourself and that the current living situation will be comfortable for you. I know you have a beautiful future ahead of you. I can’t wait to share the rest of you journey.Lots of love to you,
JulieJoAnn,
You have made the most monumental decision of a lifetime. I’m so very proud of you. You have analyzed, and over analyzed this situation and I feel you have reached the right decision for you. You will, no doubt feel pain resulting from this, even though it’s the right thing to do, but it only shows how normal and human you are. You can’t love and spend years with someone and not have pain about severing those ties. Again, we, the spouses, face all the pain and heartache. We, as women, are so incredibly strong to ride the roller coaster of emotions and still be able to get up, dust off, and carry on.
I feel the relief in your words, the weight lifted from your shoulders, almost as if it were I that had made that same decision.
There are likely to be challenges ahead of you, especially with him in the same house. Perhaps you will make better friends than spouses.
As your sister, you have to know that I respect your decision, I am proud of your efforts to this point, and I will always love you and be there for you.
It’s time for you, JoAnn. It’s time for you.
((HUGS)) Claire
…and p.s., if for any reason you decide not to go to the concert next weekend, I know there is a group of sisters who will be waiting for you with a piece of cheesecake. 🙂
Love Julie
Hi JoAnn – I am really glad you made that decision, and for a while it seemed like you were waivering back and forth. Now, with all the diagnosed personalized personality disorders, it seems like you have no other choice.
My heart cries for you, as I know after being with someone for so long it will take some time to heal and rid yourself of all the hurt he has imposed on you.
Horray to you for being the strong woman you are, as are a lot of others on this site. I just hope my situation does not come down to that, but being married only 1 year, I have some time to make those critical decisions if I have to.
Love you, and hang in there.Being married only 1 year = Run for your life (while it barely counts) and before it turns into 20 years or more like the rest of us!!!
You know I love you Sharron, but I’m just sayin….
JoAnn,
Thank you for sharing your journey with us, as painful as it is. You are such a strong, beautiful and intelligent woman. I understand about that TriCare…I cherish it too!! And, if it ever comes to a divorce in my case – that will be a sticking point to me airing out his dirty laundry (I know, hateful, but true – that insurance is golden!)
I hope that he will be respectful of you and keep his distance from you as much as possible and allow you to move forward in your healing.
Many hugs,
SSDear JoAnn,
I do not know you as well as some of the other sisters here and I feel my approach and opinions may have offended you at times, but I want you to know your post made me cry…for you, for me, for all of us that have endured this nightmare, which just seems to go on and on as long as you let it. I know your husband, JoAnn, because I am married to him. I have known for 7 yrs that it was more than a dalliance (as Heidi’s fucktard lawyer put it) because I knew if a regualr man was going to do that, he would be discreet, he would go to a hotel, and probably would NOT decide to do it right before his wife has major surgery and in her bed?? I only knew of that one event, at that time, BUT something about him choosing to do it in my bed right before my operation nagged and nagged at me….I knew it was more than cheating…I knew it was something I did not have a name for? He cried before I went into that operating room and in hindsight, I thought that indicated guilt ect ect. It didn’t, JoAnn. It didn’t indicate anything at all. From that point forward the atrociites( that I could not see but could feel) this man subjected me and my children to would fill a book. He has cried since BUT he has never changed….not even abit. They cry for themselves. Period. And in the end, whatever name we give their ability to dupe and maime is really irrelavent(sp). It is what it is. To me, these are men of poor character, misogynists and mentally disordered. The fact that the therapeautic community cannot “see” them is a large part of why we wander in the forest for so long…strung along by new theories,false hope, and dubious treatment plans. It is a spectacularly exquisite pain…letting go of them…for me anyway? I know how much it has cost me and I know how much more it will cost before it is over. Somedays, I think it will never be over and then I feel despair.
I want you to know that I am so very sorry for what you have endured and will endure. God Biess You JoAnn
Karen xxOh, JoAnn,
I am a new member here (this is my first post) but I’ve spent a lot of time over the last few weeks reading many, many posts and threads over at http://www.marriedtoasexaddict.com and have so much respect for all you’ve brought to this wonderful community of women and for your strength of character through all you’ve personally endured. I hope that this next part of your journey will be as smooth as possible, that you will find peace and happiness as you go along, and that the women on this site will be as nurturing to you as you have been to so many others.
Blessings to you, JoAnn.
PaulaMy dear kmf,
You have never offended me. We are all allowed our say, our opinions and our rants. And each of you are honored for your SELF, for who you are and for the courage it takes to make it through the challenges and choices that this ugly disease presents us with.
We are all here to support and love each other but we are also here to learn from each other. And, the only way to learn from each other is to share our experiences openly and honestly. No sugar coating, no phony fairy tales or false hopes, just the real, day to day experiences.
If we share honestly, show our faults, show our doubts and allow ourselves to make mistakes–then we all benefit from the real story.
Then we are secure in knowing that if we make mistakes our Sisters will be there to catch us when we fall and cheer us on when we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and carry on.
Thank you so much for sharing your deepest feelings and I am truly sorry for what you have gone through and what you are struggling with now.
Much love and hugs.
Dear JoAnn,
Thank You. 🙂 You are one brave woman and your momentum may just be the wind I needed to catch my own sail? I am rooting for you all the way. I should follow your lead…do less ranting and more DOING? 🙂 Karen
I ranted for YEARS. It’s something that we need to embrace in order to give voice to our anger. It’s just difficult to know when it becomes unhealthy. Only we know that.
Oh JoAnn,
I admire you so much– and your matter of fact way… I am still in the mindfuck mode of ramming my husband’s head in “metaphorically” on daily basis. I’m hoping that it makes him move out?
Today, I told him that I wished he was dead. There, i said it… and then, later when he tried to rub my face in it… i kept repeating it– die, die, die!!!!!!!!
maybe in 7 years, i’ll be as calm and gracious as you are. we can only hope.
love and hugs ~ L
PS: meant to say, I know that this will be the right decision for you. its very clear… and I love you.
JoAnn,
Of all people, I love it when you support and encourage our individuality! There have been times, when I’m on a roll and really put something out there! I have held my breath, waiting on a private message from you, telling me to settle down! Instead, much to my delight, you’ll leave a comment instead applauding my words or sharing your own! 🙂
Karen,
I would like nothing more than to see you get the strength and courage to free yourself once and for all!! I know it’s a tremendous challenge, with life changing consequences and bottom line, IT SUCKS!! But, my God, it can’t be worse than the torture you are enduring at this time. Your SA is an A.S.S.H.O.L.E.!! What he has done to you is unforgivable. I don’t care how much ass kissing he’s into now! Yuk!!
He doesn’t deserve you, Karen. You are so smart, and caring, and realistic and you STILL managed by some miracle to keep your wonderful sense of humor! You can make it without him, regardless of the cost. Look what this has cost YOU. You didn’t ask for any of it. I just want you to know that no matter what, I will always support your decisions because only YOU know what’s best for YOU! But if you ever decide to get your life back, I am standing by and ready to help in any way I can! I’ll come up to Canada?? Or wherever you are and help you move!!! 🙂
Thinking of you often, and hoping someday soon, you’ll bust those chains!!! XOXO!!!!Lexie,
You are very angry and rightfully so. My therapist told me the anger is used to help us emotionally then physically separate from the other. Also anger is all the hurt, pain and frustration we feel. You have a lot of betrayals and you have been traumatized again in your life by someone who is suppose to care and love you the most. So sorry for your suffering……….
Love, NapJoAnn, I think you may have just given me 6 years back of my life! I have read and read your approach and taken it as being a very sound approach – dont make major decisions in the first year, give them a second chance – when they’ve proven sobriety for a substantial length of time… but you know my husband pushed for a decision – so I am divorcing him. I wasnt ready to be talking about an us that he had no interest in. I do wonder if I may regret it – my son is only 5 but even since we split up – his abuse under the guise of I love you (just read the gaslighting book…) is still ongoing. He still wants to blame his addiction and intimacy annorexia on me … he still wants me to look am issues because I am hostile towards him… well! I know I have become a Christian and am trying to model Christ but I have NOT become Christ. I am still only human and am working things through…
So, JoAnn, God Bless You – you have been meticulous in your care of Larry and yourself and I think you could have done nothing more. You are a wonderful, wonderful woman. Thank youJoS,
The mistreatment you have endured and the disrespect that goes along with it, as well as the continued blaming, intimacy anorexia and lack of patience (in allowing you decide on divorce or not) seem to conclude that this is not a healthy relationship for YOU. I know you need this confirmation for yourself by the Lord, but that is what it seems like to me. Perhaps ask the Lord what you should think when you start to wonder if you made correct decision. It may help. Much love, B. Trayed
oh b – I DO know I have made the right decision in my heart of hearts but you know how confusing it all is…
Divorce is the only answer… we are not good for each other… Ultimately I lost me in that relationship and I am not prepared to stay in a relationship that is joyless, filled with anxiety and depression… not when i consider that I am only 39… NO WAY!! I stick by my original decision on the day I asked him to leave – before the full blown addiction disclosures even came.Thank you for your support b! I truly believe our heavenly Father wants the best for us… we are biblically justified in divorcing these men as God wants us to be happy, joyful and reflecting His Glory – how can we do that when we are under the black cloud of addiction?
b – thank you for your kind words – the doubt is becoming more fleeting… but confirmation through stories on here is SOOO validating… I read the pain of some of the ladies on here and think I am so lucky I dont have to do this everyday, and then I read Ella and wish my soon to be ex husband would allow himself to find Jesus and be Holy Spirit Filled…
But – this is my life and I have to live it and you’re right – I CONCLUDE THIS WAS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP FOR ME AND I AM LIBERATED AND FREE FROM OPPRESSION!
Thank you JoAnn for your sisterhood and the love you’ve gathered together on this site!
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