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Let’s talk a little about ‘anorexia’ as it seems to be a hot topic in the forums lately.
Simply put, anorexia means ‘lack of appetite’.
Some of the Sex Addiction gurus have coined this word and tacked it onto all sorts of ‘symptoms’. In my opinion this is done to confuse all of us, label things that already have a name and package it and make is seem new so that new and expensive treatments can be initiated.
Repackaging and re-branding is a very common and very powerful marketing tool. It’s done all the time. For example, let’s look at yogurt. A plain and simple food that just a decade ago no one would even consider eating except us health food nuts.
Look at yogurt today. It’s all packaged up to appeal to almost every segment of the population; babies, kids, teens, women, men, retirees, the elderly and the sickly. It comes in all shapes and sizes; custard, Greek, low fat, non fat, live or dead cultures, frozen, liquid, shakes and smoothies. It comes in tubs, jars, bottles, tubes and on sticks.
But, it’s still yogurt. But by repackaging it and re-branding it the yogurt business is booming.
This type of marketing is seen in almost every segment of our culture from aspirin to zippers.
But, what I see with this anorexia label, and Sex Addiction treatment in general, is much more complicated, and certainly more harmful than just a simple marketing technique.
We are not talking about products here, we are talking real live people and relationships in crisis.
I see the treatment for Sex Addiction exploding into a giant cash cow and there are opportunists on every street corner. By labeling and treating a symptom (and this includes the Sex addiction itself, which I consider a symptom rather than a disease itself), rather than looking at the larger picture of the background, genetics, symptoms and traits of the addict–and then addressing these as diagnosed disorders and treating them with tested psychiatric or psychological methods implemented by professionals, the addict, and the partner are left without adequate treatment and a much lighter wallet.
Sounds like ‘snake oil’ to me.
A simple review of the traits of Personality Disorders shows that many disordered people become withdrawn, solitary, have no desire for human attachment…oh hell, I could fill this entire page with symptoms that would mimic this so called ‘sexual or intimacy anorexia’.
If you would like to see the list just click on the ‘Resources’ menu on the right and download the DSMIII list of 14 Personality Disorders. The DSMIV had decreased the PD’s to 10, but I think this list is much more comprehensive and it is the best list I have found.
So. that’s my rant for the day. What do you think?
I think the book Intimacy Anorexia perfectly described my life in a way that I have never found anywhere else, with extensive research and medical knowledge ….and it’s working for me:)
And that’s what I care about.
MarieI’m going to have to take a gander at that list because I often wonder if D has a PD…only because he can’t just sit and relax. He has to be doing something, either going through his gaming cards or his papers…just “something”. Although, it has taken him over a year to get the shed built LMAO!
JoAnn,
Funny you mention that because it’s been bought up to him before….the whole Diet Mt. Dew thing…
I think I’ll let him finish his first step before bringing it up again LOL
Hi SS,
Or in some men,my husband for example, it could be the “busyness” associated with anorexia. Mine doesn’t have ADHD. He used busyness as a way to avoid connection.
MarieMarie,
So glad you mentioned that. Mine definitely would do things to avoid connection. Also, the distancing behaviors they do are so painful to the spouse. I definitely think my h was an intimacy anorexic. Thirty percent of all sex addicts are. When you read Dr. Doug Wiess book from Heart To Heart on Intimacy Anorexia what I was living with all makes sense. It’s must read and I think Debora has read it and her h is clearly an intimacy anorexic. Anorexia related to food means lack of appetite, related to things other than food means starvation. Anorexia Nervosa is the eating disorder.
Love NapHmmm. I’m not sure what this might mean.
Could it be that the intimacy anorexic diagnosis (which I do understand) might actually be a piece of (for example) the narcissism of an PD?
So by identifying the anorexic thing, the therapist has rightly moved off the addiction to another category that must be treated, but may only be treating one bit of a larger disorder?
This quite complicated. Is intimacy anorexia a controversial category for diagnosis? If so, what is the controversy about? Or is it a generally accepted diagnosis outside of the addiction treatment field?
I understand Marie’s sense of “fit” with her situation, because it also resonates with mine, but I am wondering if the “fit” actually could point us in more than this one direction. I’m just getting the feeling that we have to turn over all the rocks, all the time.
Diane.
All addicts become narcissitic. Until the addiction is in recovery would one know if they had a true PD. Otherwise its just a aquired trait due to the addiction.
The Weiss model of intimacy anorexia is pretty radical and not at all widely accepted in the medical/therapy world. He uses an addiction model for intimacy anorexia with the drug being distance, and says that as with any addict, there certainly can be personality disorders or mental illness in addiction, as with any other human and in a much higher incidence than the normal population.
All addicts are narcissists, but not all narcissists are addicts. That’s important to me, because if the addict is in recovery and if they have multiple addictions, recovery from all of them ( for example – alcohol, sex, technology, intimacy anorexia)….he may no longer be a narcissist…unless he has a narcissistic personality.Here is my bottom line on this issue for me personally:
1) Personality disorders aren’t treatable, people are who they are.
2) Mental illnesses are treatable, but are often chronic and life IS more difficult as a result, both for the person with the illness and for the people who love them
3) Addictions or compulsions or however we want to talk about them can be managed successfully with diligence and hard work chronically, and life IS more difficult as a result for the person with the addiction/compulsion and the people who love them.and this is how it shakes out into my personal choices:
1) If I had a husband with a personality disorder, I would not stay married to him if the traits of his personality disorder were negatively affecting my life. Out of the recognized personality disorders, I really don’t want any of those in my life, they are very difficult and they don’t. get. better. My h has been tested and told he does not have personality disorders and I have never had the feeling or belief that he does. The thought of being married or staying married to someone with a personality disorder sends chills down my spine. Some could, I couldn’t.
2) If I had a husband with mental illness, I would choose to stay married to him as long as we were both getting needs met, unless he was noncompliant with treatment of the illness. If he made that choice, I wouldn’t stay with him. An example is if someone’s h is chronically depressed, but won’t start or stay on anti-depressants. that’s a valid choice, but I don’t want any part of that.
3) My husband DOES have addictions and compulsions and I choose to work with him as long as he is making progress on all of his addictions/compulsions, in the absence of a personality disorder. Sex addiction and even moreso, intimacy anorexia, have dismal rates of meaningful recovery, but it’s not zero. I tell my patients with pancreatic cancer what the 5 year survival is if they ask, and it’s dismal. BUT I also tell them that if you are one of the small percent still alive in 5 years, your 5 year survive ratel for you personally is 100%.
MarieMarie-I absolutely LOVE how you explained talking to a cancer patient and their survival rate. For me, it’s that small chance of success, while I know it’s a difficult road to travel, that gives me hope. There’s a reason that SA recovery isn’t 100% failure, it’s because somewhere out there are people who manage their recovery successfully. This is what I am hopeful for with Dean. I won’t allow that hope to let me put blinders on again – been there done that – but, it’s what keeps me going.
I had no idea how much more difficult it was with intimacy anorexia. Not even the slightest clue and my heart goes out to all of you who are dealing with that. D is the exact opposite, he craves affection and love and feels neglected if I don’t touch him or acknowledge him when I walk into a room.
Laura
Very informative post, ladies.
Sometimes, even though I know in my heart of hearts, that I am doing the right thing, I feel guilty for never once giving my husband a chance (after D day) and never researching, etc until AFTER I filed…. Never even considering it…… It’s like, the blow of D day was just too much!!! The past was unforgivable, and unfathomable, for that matter. I guess every now and then I hear the words “through sickness and in health” echoing in my mind, and it makes me cry.
Dang it, I love always being a bad ass, but you know, sometimes I have to sneak in my nicer side.
XOXO!!!!
SS – I am exactly where you are at. I see that tiny light at the end of the tunnel. Could it be that my SA is in that small percentile that really can successfully recover? I think he can and I will support him all the way until he gives me a reason not to. For me it has alot to do with my recovery. When I went to rehab for alcoholism they gave me those low recovery stats and I told myself right then an there that i will be a success story. So 14 years later I am a successful recovering alcoholic. I have to support him because I know that if I could do it, maybe he could do it. Back then when I was going through early recovery I didn’t have anyone to believe in me and support me through it. I vowed that I would at least support him through this and give him the best chance to recover.
Silver-Lining – Don’t beat yourself up. All of our stories are different. I have no doubt you did what you had to do in your situation. If I were you i would celebrate your new found life. Forget the past and have fun exploring what’s to come.
Love, Claire
Claire,
Your recovery is inspiring. I’m so proud of you and happy for you.
SL, I agree with Claire. Every one has a unique story. And in my humble opinion, your SA is nowhere near ready to recover. Remember he already begged you once to stay when you threatened divorce…and then back to same ol’ same ol’. I think you hung in there long enough. Even though you weren’t the one to “give him his diagnosis,” he also hasn’t asked for help. (I know the situation well–sounds very familiar!) So you keep moving ahead, sister! XOXOXOClaire,
Perhaps we just found our common thread – while I didn’t go in for any type of rehab – I had my own addiction that I beat back in the ’80’s. I went “cold turkey” and it was tough as hell and I lost a load of friends along the way – but who needed those types of friends anyway, right? So, maybe because you and I share the success of being recovered(ing) addicts ourselves, we are apt to hold out that hope for our husbands too?
SL-I’ve always seen your softer side 🙂 You did what was right for you and just like you feel guilt over leaving from time to time; I have days where I question why I’m staying….
Hugs!!
SL,
please, please… yes “in sickness and in health”, absolutely. The vow was not“in annihilation” and health” “thou shalt cherish, love and fuck each other over, until death do give you some relief.”
no, honey. I feel as you do. I can’t get past the hurt and I can’t see myself still living with a dead, selfish horse in the road.
good riddance!
Love,
L
PS: will have the master list done soon. 🙂
Wow, this has been a very interesting thread. Thank you for the discussion.
I wonder if everything needs “re-organizing”. Not just my closets, I’m talking about the addictions and PD’s. What if its one continuum of symptoms marked by degree of treatability? Is this what Karen was meaning when she expressed her concerns about the use of “addiction”? Is the addiction (to porn, to distance etc) really reflecting a specificity or particularity of narcissism that is self-focussing. Is this what makes it “treatable” (even with low success rates) in comparison with narcissism that is more indiscriminate in expression.Okay, I think I need to sleep on this one.
love you all,
Diane.I think that this is a very good point, Diane. There can be a variety of factors contributing to why an addict is an addict and whether or not he is a good candidate for recovery or not.
A person who truly has NPD– severe narcissism, cannot even SEE that the world is indeed, round. He will go on and on with his narc logic on how it is flat and how you will fall of the edge if you go too far…
What he means, is:
If you push HIM too far, (with your round world “logic”) he will be forced to push you off the edge.
I have learned now. If one encounters one of these types, no matter what– it is best to keep on moving– away, from them. It will never get any better!
sweet dreams, honey. 🙂
L
Hi all,
I still wonder how intimacy anorexia is an addition, much like how they say co-dependence is an addiction.
What are they gaining from the “addiction”? Sex addicts get the high of getting off no matter what avenue. They instead of spending time dealing with whatever the issues may be, they instead spend time surfing the net for porn, finding hookers etc. Its typically a form of escapism, a distraction from other things. And i guess they can become technically addicted as the neurpathways change, etc.How does intimacy anorexia deliver a high?
I guess maybe co-dependets can do for others, getting a high off of those acts, and do so over and over all day long.
Curious minds want to know??
Love,
FloraI’m not sure if it is an addiction. I def had no appetite for years, made me feel more in control. The fear of really being intimate w someone was crazy scary for me, but an addiction, I don’t know
I too am a recovering alcoholic, coming up on two years. And I think going through my recovery first has allowed me to stay w my husband. He is doing pretty well, therapy, meetings (making his own decsions like An adult-who knew). I am not certain we will stay married but def want to support him if he stays in recovery. If he does not, I will not be supportive of him and will move on. I am working on an exit plan should thing not continue to progress positively. Bc I am not going to live miserably for the next 40 years. Anna
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