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Since my recent announcement to divorce, my H has agreed to get a sexual assessment. Better late than never, LOL! Anyway, he went and it made me anxious.
Would this therapist buy his story, say his sobriety makes everything ok? Say I am a wackadoo?
Anyway, I don’t even know if I care he went or not…or if I want to work on issues or not…still in limbo. Anyway, my H told me the appt. went fine. I wanted your comments on the fact that my H told me the therapist understood that his faith was everything in his life. He and his therapist repeated it a couple times. I don’t know if the therapist really thought my H was a man of faith or not, but my H believes it of himself.
It KILLS me that my H thinks his faith was #1 in his life WHILE he consistently lied to me…consistently decieved me…consistently masterbated to other sensual women while getting his fill with me almost daily for 20 years. Yes, he was able to tame his desires at times and felt conflicted, BUT he had these character flaws – choices I call them – for 20 years of our marriage. If his faith called for honesty, he did not follow his faith. If his faith called for truth, he lived in deception and a double life. If his faith called for honoring his marriage vows with being sexual with only me, he turned on his faith twice (at our rededication also). If his faith called for humility, he often-almost always-chose self-protection, regardless of the pain to me.
Help me ladies to understand how his faith was number one. (Yes, he was doing a TON of volunteer work at the church. He was giving his money consistently to the church. He raised our children with many faith principles…at least in word rather than deed. He played Jesus in the Easter play and sang solos in front of the church.) Help me, because when he said his faith was #1, I felt uneasy. We are so far off in our understanding of this nightmare sometimes. I think he looks at life like it is an egg container with 1000 eggs and one of his eggs, just one, was bad/broken. One was out of sync with all the other 999. That one was his double-life. That is NOT how I look at his life. I look at the container (his life) as totally fractured, making ever egg damaged, some just slightly, some completely broken…
He also has said that God communicated love and acceptance to him the entire time he mistreated me. Okay, help me out???!!! Yes, our faith believes that God does love and accept us as creations of God, but his behaviors were ungodly and UNACCEPTABLE!!! If God did not communicate that to him, then God condones the actions of violators not victims…and that is not the faith I walk in. Of course he said he “sinned” but never mentioned that God grieved or showed him ANY disappointment, just love and acceptance.
Does this sound goofy to youfy? Any thoughts? B. Trayed xo
Dear B.Trayed—
TOTALLY GOOFY! He is not only lying to you, but he’s lying to himself. There’s no faith that I know of that will condone his actions. NONE.
Certainly, the God I believe in forgives but He does not allow you to continue your “bad” ways. You mess up once, fine, ask forgiveness and continue living. But you don’t keep doing the same thing and think that it’s okay with God. It’s not. Not at all.
And the God I know is incredibly disappointed with our misdeeds and missteps.
Your SA is delusional and/or is lying to you about all of this. There is NO way that any of this fits into any of my belief system.
Keep up the good fight, sister. YOU are on the right track!
Paula
Bt,
The God I believe in forgives. But…you must be worthy of forgiveness first. You cannot go to a bank and steal a million dollars, pray for forgiveness, receive forgiveness and then go back the next day and rinse and repeat. My belief system doesn’t work that way.
Love and hugs,
SSHoney, lots of addies hide behind “God” and the “Bible” and “Jesus”.
Its part of the con and makes a mockery out of people with real and abiding faith.
But, don’t try to make too much sense out of his nonsense. The “faith” is just another ruse for him to hide behind and “God loves me even though I’ve broken every G-D commandment and law in his holy book.”
sure… he can believe whatever it is, that will make him have the desire to wake up tomorrow.
but, that doesn’t change the fact that its all, crap!
love,
L
Bt,
Obviously “his faith” didn’t include his wedding vows or you. That’s very selective and sure makes things ‘convenient’ for him. With all respect Bt, your h is no where near true sobriety and recovery. First, he’s got a huge denial bubble in place, and then he rationalizes and uses his faith to further gaslight you. It’s very obvious he has many defended in place.
L, NapDear B-Trayed,
This is funny because I had a funny little chat with my husband today about values and what they mean to people? I said most people could make a value list and put it in order and that each person’s would look diffferent? DSo one person’s list might go:
1)God , 2)Wife, 3)Good Friends, 4) Career, 5) Fishing
1)wife, 2) career, 3) good friends, 4) financial security, 5) golf
1) career, 2) financial security, 3) travelling, 4) parents, 5)golf
1) god, 2) golf ,3) buddies, 4) wife, 5) dog
You get the picture right?? Depending on the person they will have different value lists and some values will be more important than others? Now we all know how to assess what a person values? I am certain all of you have met men who said they loved their wives BUT they put much more effort into their jobs or sports on TV? I am certain all of you have met women who said their most important thing was their children BUT they spent all their time at work? The thing is this …people DO what they value…they do not just talk about it. That is called paying lip service…
1) young pussy, 2) beer, 3) buddies, 4) kids, 5) tv sports,news and business channel, 6) wife THIS is my husband’s value list as I know it
1) wife, 2) kids, 3), our families, 4) job, 5) money mangement, 6) beer This is probably how he would write it?
I think you know alot of my story B-Trayed? What do you think my husband’s #1 value was? Now ask your self how your own husband’s value list should look based on how he acted, NOT what he says? Do YOU think his faith should be at the top of that list based on how he has lived? Seems to me masturbation to porn should top the list, followed by lies and deception, then avoidance of consequences, and so on and so on based on his behavior because it certainly does not appear that his behavior indicated his faith was anywhere near the top of his value list to me??
Talk is cheap but behavior doesn’t lie. HUGS Karen xBT,
You have asked for a divorce??! I have missed alot. Ya know when people say they are getting divorced you are inclined to say, oh am so sorry. I used to feel sorry or bad myself that i am getting divorced. But as time changed my divorce has represented to be a new life, a seperation from the agony of being with a sex addict, and a new healthy life for you and what you want for you and your kids!!!So i say congratulations!! I am happy to hear this, if allowed to say this.
It will be tough. But we will be behind you.
As far as what your h said. He is living in his world. He honestly does not know the difference on what he says vs. what he does. He can run around telling the world he is a saint, but those are not his actions. I think what bothers us most in the farce they project to the whole world of how good and genuine they are, makes me want to hurl, but the good thing is you know better now. You will learn from this, and in turn maybe help others, but most to be free your self. Its maddening to live with a sex addict who plays headgames, even after the addiction has been found, if they cannot stop there is no hope.
Love,
FloraCan’t chat long…my suitcase is whining to be packed! My laundry, though clean, is placed around the house like knickknacks. I should probably mapquest where I am headed to tomorrow morn, at least by tomorrow??? Anyway, don’t call me a procrastinator!
All of you help me stay in reality about things. He has so many great qualities…seems to be getting my pain and asks how I am feeling and how he can help me almost daily. But…but…but…I have these nagging thoughts…intuition…God…some things are still deathly wrong…still very wrong. Shouldn’t he be saying, “I was so deceived by my chronic apologies to God and consistent repeated offenses for 20 years,” after he threw his tissue away and washed his hand, the one that holds his wedding ring. After he confessed shouldn’t he say, “Wow! I actually thought my faith life was the most important part of my life, but now I realize sex, my desires not needs, image management, reputation, self-protection and church (vs. God) were truly my idols, my gods. The light bulb has gone on! I get it. Woe is me.”
Yes, he says that he ruined everything. He says he hates himself for what he did. We will be flowing along like moving down a smooth highway, and BOOM! we hit a speedbump and then move on. That speedbump is something I am not comfy with, and will not go on without taking note of it or them really. (Flora divorce pending, but I filed and spent $500 already.) Thank you ladies! I really needed you today.
Love, B. TrayedB,
Just for the record, I spent $500 TWICE as false alarms and lost the money.
Chugged along 10 more years, more of the same miserable life, after the initial month or two of good behavior on his part diminished if not evaporated and this time around, I’ve spent $5000 and I’m going through with it and it’s worth every penny.
Every situation is different, or is it??
XOXOXO!!!
HOnestly, his whole “faith” thing is just his cloaking device. He’s hiding behind religion, and that’s not what it’s for. Faith can help him to be honest about his behaviour, help him find strength to change it, and teach him how to seek your forgiveness and make it right. It’s not there to help you avoid doing these things.
love,
diane.
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