My relationship with my children…broken because of HIM

Dearest B-T
I could just scream for you. You are the chosen scapegoat in your family, because you told the truth and continue to tell the truth about the addiction, its effects, and that it doesn’t just “go away”. YOu are being isolated, which is what emotional abuse always does. And the sense of betrayal by all your family is understandable.
You are not a lunatic. If you back down, what will the consequences be—a place in a family that is dishonest, has picked you as the scapegoat, and deny your experience of life? You have to stand up for yourself. You have to, honey. They aren’t. One it might be better, but it won’t get better by you letting them treat you this way. I’m so upset. You are good person trying to do the right things, after being treated with contempt. The way your children dismiss your experience of life in this family unit is wrong. They have been coached by daddy, and look at him—he’s just perfect now, but they are doing his dirty work. It’s just despicable.

No one is going to shoot her, B-trayed. But we will tell you that you are worth way more than what you’re getting from this bunch.

love,
D.

My Dear B,

Children are often VERY confused by all of this. If you think of how hard it was for YOU to accept what your husband did….then think how difficult it is for you kids to accept it? I do not agree that they are unaffected though. One of the first things the psychiatrist told my husband was that he would have to tell his children because his behavior had affected his entire family. He did not have to give sexual details BUT because they were young adults he would have to give duration, type of acting out (hookers),numbers, risks taken (no condom),manipulations and lies he used ect. Your children are being gaslighted by your husband the same as he gaslighted you and everyone else? They have bought into hsi nice guy routine and it is very difficult for them to accept they are wrong about him. This is a classic abuser technique…..the other people ONLY get to see the partners reaction or response? The provocation (for the reaction) is kept hidden by the abuser therfore making the partner seem hysterical? I say scream the bloody truth from the rafters. He lied to you for 20 yrs, he is NOT what he seems, he is a betrayer and you feel shattered by the betrayal. Insist that your husband sit down and tell your children ALL the ways he deceived you while saying he loved you? I know you are a Christian woman BUT I would let him think I would hold off on the divorce IF he told my children the real truth of what he did to you. God B…I feel so angry and sad for you. My sons are on my side….though 2 of them still talk to their father. My oldest has nothing to do with him.I don’t know what I would do if they also minimized my pain. My family is pretty torn…they say they understand BUT I know they feel sorry for my husband too.ARRRRRH Karen xx

Hi B-trayed,

It was great to meet you a few weeks ago and you are such a remarkable women.

I know i had mentioned about aligning the children when we were at the retreat. And i do think this is going on. You children appear to have no empathy for you and your struggles and beyond that see you as the problem. Very typical in abusive relationships. Sometimes the only that sees the abuse is the one who is abused NO ONE else will.

The alligning of the children is not by happenstance. He has been at work at the for years. I really do suggest reading divorce poisen. It has to do with kids and the relationships with parents during divorce. But the alligning of the children can happen even if divorce is not present. Parents can do this at any time. I think if you read the first few chapters of this book, you may see and find some very valuable info. And then you can use it in your life with your kids.

The other thing is i think that as you become confident in your choice, they will not beable to ruffle your feathers as much and get under your skin with hurtful words and actions. Right now i think you are fragile, rightly so, but they are all taking advantage of it and the self doubt.

You cannot make a grown adult go to counseling. I suggest they gow ith you to your session, that way you will know how it will go. You cannot make a grown adult go, however you could say “honey, its clear you do not understand what i have been going through and have lived with for the past 20 years. I am divorcing your father for a reason. If you would like to fruther understand me and what i am going through please join me at my next counseling session.”

You can really do no more than make a request. You love your kids, they love you. However the requests they are making of you are heartless and do not take any of you into consideration. The demean you. Of course, i may guess that your h treated you teh same way…possibley learned behavior of how they can treat mom?!?!?! Just a guess.

You may want to read the enabler as well. Did you get some good books about boundaries…you made need them with the kids as well.

Don’t let them get you down. Try to figure out a new approach. What does your therapist say?

I wish we got to speak more at the retreat. You are a really great person. Hope to get to know you better.
Love,
Flora

Oh B… you are such a beautiful woman and I was so happy to get to know you better at the retreat.

Everyone has such great things to say and I concur.

However, I am also trying to get inside your kids heads…to the WHY? And its just another angle. I hear your daughter saying that what Dad did doesn’t affect her. What I believe that she’s really saying is:

“I don’t want to know about what Dad did, because if it is true, then all of my dreams and ideals about him, as my father, that I love so dearly, will be shattered… so please, can we just change the subject, and for God’s sake… CHILL MOM!!!”

And its the same for your son, only WORSE, because he’s a young man.

In other words, they are in denial. They are using what they perceive as not forgiving as the obstacle to keeping the status quo intact. They are so young, and so that is understandable. And they are also terrified that somehow what he did IS going to affect them, and its not going to be in a good way. After all, the very essence of everything they have ever known is being, slowly but surely revealed to them, as nothing more than a mirage.
And that must be awfully scary for them. If its true, how come they didn’t see it, or how come its happening now? As you are traumatized and confused, so are they and they just don’t want to believe that it could possibly be true.

But, one day, I believe, that they will get it. And you will have them back— In time, I believe with all of my heart, B, that they will come around and they will see the truth that they ARE okay; their father is not and you are one helluva of fantastic, brave, strong, loving, deeply caring mother and person. You truly are.

Forgiving doesn’t have to mean reliving and unfortunately when one lives with a SA, as we can see, the odds are not favorable. I admire you very much.

Love,

L

Dear b

I think we are in the same boat with our children. Only one of mine knows and she’s 30 years old. The only reason I told her was because she hated me so much for hurting her step Dad. I wanted her to see my side of things. It didn’t work. She claims she understands but that she will always love her dad and I agree with that but she still thinks he’s mister wonderful and asks him for anything and everything and he jumps. As for the boys that we have together, I”ve never told them anything. I just didn’t want to shatter the image of their father in their eyes but he’s not available to them. They always just tell me “You know how Dad is” when they need something and I suggest calling Dad. That will take 10 years for him to get done, they say. So, I do it for them. I call him. I dont want to get side tracked about what the problem is with your children but I think we all make our choices on who we tell and why we tell them. For me, I guess I chose to suffer in silence. Someday maybe I’ll tell my boys, they are old enough (20 and 23) but until I decide to do so I’m going to believe that we do what we have to do to survive. If telling your children didn’t help, I feel for you. It didn’t break their hearts, just yours. I told my closest Aunt that there was a problem but I never disclosed what it was. This was many years ago. I just remember saying “I dont think our marriage is going to make it.” She replied with “Keep trying honey and always remember to cover the bad with the good.” Those words stuck with me for the last 20 years and so thats what I did. I covered for him when it came to our children. I took the blame as being the bad guy. This is where I come to the question “Is there a right or wrong way?” I dont know. One of mine knows and it doesn’t matter to her so why would it matter to the other two. I guess they have their own lives and my problems are not at he top of their agenda right now. I’ll probably take it to the grave with me instead of telling the boys. I just wouldn’t know how to even start to talk to them about this. I guess I’m believing that what happens in the dark always come to the light eventually. I found out that way. Maybe they will as well. I think as your children grow they will understand more and more. Wait until one of them is married lol Lets pray that none of them find out the hard way. Keep pushing through!!!