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Yesterday was 24 years of living like I’m on the rollercoaster from hell. Because he promised lol again that he would seek help (and has through recovery nation) and decided he needs medication for his ocd he think as is well and comes home with a rose, card, wine….. To my surprise he wanted to take communion with the wine and some bread, get out our marriage license and renew our marriage vows to one another! Ha! I thought I was going to laugh out loud but I didn’t. I composed myself and said it was a thoughtful thing to do but that I’m just not there. He said he totally understood how I felt. That was the end of that. He wants me to accept him wearing lingerie in the bed with us and I guess I could “compromise my core” but do I find that attractive, NO and it would only lead to more stealing of others things and I know it would escalate to other things. If I wanted to be with a woman, I would have married one.
Here’s the other problem. I believe in God and try to walk in His ways. I believe that anything that is controlling us is not in Gods plan for our lives. I believe in consequences to sin and if this is a sin and it lets Satan in, our whole life could be compromised. Kinda like give Satan an inch and he’ll take a foot thing? Can I let my SA destroy our family like that? Life was good. I felt blessed. He masturbated with my daughters things on and everything fell apart. Our son totaled his car. Our other sons car broke down. I lost my job and my daughters car broke. Thats what I mean by Satan ruining everything once he can.
I have never caught him with another woman although I have suspicion. I guess I do have a question. I really thought I was just having a thought here.
If anyone is spiritual and can answer this I would appreciate it or even if you aren’t and just want to answer, I would love to read what you have to say.
Would you let this into your bedroom? Would you just let your SA go buy his own lingerie and have his own drawer? Could you have sex with a man dressed in a Teddy and stockings? Pantyhose are HUGE with him. Am I being too judgemental about his Sa? In my opinion and this is just mine. God wants us to stay married if we possibly can. God hates divorce. I guess I’m struggling spiritually and I dont want to give Satan any kind of a foot hold in my life but I feel damned if I do and damned if I dont.
Any thoughts? Oh, let me just add that while cleaning today I found a very pretty pink polka dot bra in the spare bedroom. Its not my size and I cleaned out all of my daughters things and took them to her. Almost forgot to add that one!Hi Jan,
I myself couldn’t do it. It’s too bizarre for me because I would want him not to have those things on and would be a huge turn off for me. Is this his primary acting out? Would he not wear these things if you ask? I’m sorry I don’t know your story. I understand your concerns because I would be feeling the same way.
Love, NapNap, yes, this is what he does and I have asked him to stop for 24 years. He has always lied, said he was done with it and then I would catch him stealing someone elses from their hampers or something if we went to a friends house or anyones housw where a woman lives. This last time he had said he was cured and then I caught him using my daughters things and sneaking. He would get up in the middle of the night. Yes, as far as I know this is his only problem and he can’t control it. Now he thinks if I just let him have whatever he wants and wear it anytime he wants, everything will be great! I bet. Thanks Nap I can’t stand it either. I’ve caught him fully dressed before and I hate it! He looks like a friggin perverted freak!
Sometimes it’s good to be open before we make conclusions about what God wants for us.
Nothing about this situation is simple. He made vows he couldn’t keep, and never did. Are you actually even married in the eyes of God?
Can you really love God with all your heart, soul, and mind, if that God ignores your life and what’s actually happening in it, and just spits out law at you. HOw can anyone love anyone with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, if that’s what’s coming back at us. Please, let God be bigger than the print on a page. Let God be more. Let God be wise enough, loving enough, strong enough to bear the truth of your life with you.
The guy is not well and you can’t fix him.
D.xo
And Wow Diane. You have good insight. I’m pretty sure all the women on here only deal with porn addiction or their men cheating with other women. Thats what I would call the “Normal stuff.” I’m pretty sure that no one knows what to say to me bc its so “Out there.” Sometimes I wish it was as simple as just a sex addict but his is a sexual fetish addiction and there’s not much help out there for that.
I never thought of the fact that he actually never and I do mean never honored our marriage vows. To love, honor, respect. I guess I dont fully understand what you mean about a God that just spits law at you. I’m confused. Are you trying to tell me not to believe in God?Hi Jan
I was brought up catholic and my mum is one of the most devout catholics i know. On hearing my SA and i were separating she said ‘that’s the best news I’ve had all year!’ She doesn’t believe we were ever married in the eyes of god and thinks i could have the marriage annulled if i wanted to. I don’t feel the need for this because i am comfortable that divorce is the right thing to do. Don’t get me wrong, i haven’t always felt that way. I stayed for 14 years thinking i was doing what was right for the children and for my religious beliefs. I now realise my children are better off in a house without his anger and that i don’t want them growing up thinking ours was a healthy relationship.
I think what diane was saying about god was what i believe too. God is about more than words printed in the bible. They may be the guidelines but god can see into your heart and know the intentions behind your actions. We have all tried, probably harder than we should, to save our marriages but sometimes you have to realise you’re fighting a losing battle. To quote the priest at my wedding, ‘marriage is like two people in a rowing boat. If only one is putting in the effort you just go round in circles.’Bb x
Hi Busybee
I am so glad for what your mom said. I find it amazing that I know the right thing to do in so many situatons except this one. I too struggle with divorce and being Christian. What God’s plan is and what is devised by man as God. As far as divorce those lines get confused.
But here is the thing. There is no confusion on what adultery is. There is no confusion on sin. The only queston is are we really bound until death no matter what our partners do and don’t do? Are we expected to give unconditional love? I think the answer is no, we do not have to stay, yes we are supposed to love unconditionally but we re human. If my daughter (heaven forbid) became a serial killer. Would I stop loving her? no. would l let her live me? hell no. would i expect her to be prosecuted? yes! she should not roam free as a bird because she would be a danger.
divorce is starting to seem like prosecution for the SA’s crimes. If they won’t turn around, or even if they do, we still have the right to prosecute, get an attorney, dissolve the marriage that actually never was one on many levels, and move on. What crimes did we really commit here? why can we not execute righteousness? for our own behalf and behalf of children without such guilt and turmoil? any other decision in my life would be so cut and dry I wouldn;t even think twice about it.
Iv’e got to get to a firm place on this. While I have chosen to stay, I am strongly reconsidering. I’ll put it to you that way. I don’t know what it is lately. I just feel my head is coming together about it. Busy bee so glad to hear that you feel right about your decision and that it is better for kids.
Hi Jan… et al…
First of all…Diane DOES have GREAT insight and also a bit of an “in” with the guy upstairs. If you didn’t realize she’s a wombman of God, and our SOS spiritual leader nonpareil.
Honey– Are you looking for vindication for the belief that what your h is doing is not acceptable to you? God made hair on a man’s body for a reason… and he made pretty, lacy lingerie for a reason… and the reasons are very DIFFERENT.
Now… in my cache of FREAKS that I met during my dating days from July 08 to October 09, I did meet one very bright, articulate, kind architect in NYC, who took me out for a drink and presented me with a pair of nylon thigh highs… LOL
you really can’t make this shit up! But, long story, shorter… the dude is heavily into something called “ZENTAI”… Yes, i know… i had never heard of it either, but you probably have, by now. Its a nylon fetish which includes, women’s lingerie, panty hose, on and on… why you can get whole (breathable) nylon body suits. google it. Its pretty effin’ weird, but Zentai fetishists love it. so be it. Stay with your own kind, okay???
Now… my friend Scott, in addition to liking women, also liked men… and finally confessed to me, that he CRAVED… the male anatomy and that he was, bi-sexual. (for a few months he would write to me, quite often and helped me dump predator)
I guess what I’m trying to say is….. if your h has acted out in person, (and he probably has) it has most likely included males and maybe ONLY males. If I was a bettin’ woman, I would say that he is most likely bi-sexual, in addition to being a nylon dude.
What do you feel in your heart? You are such a loving, gentle soul… God doesn’t want you to be miserable. He may have presented a challenge, but I agree with Diane’s assessment. The marriage contract between you is null and void, because HE is not upholding his end.
xo ~ Lexie
Dear Jan,
I think I understand what you are saying and why you are torn. I also think that on some level you already know this is NOT what God intended in a marriage. It is not what he intended because it is hurting you and you are NOT ok with it? I am Catholic and I believe marriage was designed so the husband and wife could support each other through life’s trials and enrich each other’s lives and bring each other joy. Do you feel supported? Do you feel your marriage is enriching your life? Do you feel you are living out God’s plan for you?
I went to see a priest in Bali, long before I knew the magnitude of my husband’s sexual behavior. He spoke to me for a few minutes and asked some questions. I was shocked when he said it sounded like my husband was a sex addict. I was also shocked when he advised I walk away. He told me Jesus never intended marriage to be that hard or that painful. He warned that this is soul destroying stuff and we can take so many hits and then we cannot take any more. I often think back to that priest. In five minutes, he seemed to know more about the enormous damage caused to the partner and the lack of hope for recovery than ALL the experts I have talked to and read about since? When I think about it now…ANYTHING that affects your soul is a dangerous thing indeed?
I know that you feel as if your marriage is “different” because of the way your husband chooses to act out but in truth you are the same as the rest of us. Each of our husbands are involved in sexual perversion of one kind or another? It may seem more normal for a man to go with prostitutes but my husband did and I can assure you what he does (and I know quite abit about what he does) is equally degrading and perverse? In my opinion, your husband wanting to have sex with you wearing the lingerie is really not much different than my husband wanting to have sex with me with a hooker as part of the mix or another woman’s husband wanting her to watch porn with him in order to have sex? I have a friend who was so wounded and so desperate for sex with her husband she agreed to allow prostitutes in her bed. In the end, it never works because it was against all her values and he just went from wanting regular hookers to transvestites and so on and so on. He was an extemely ill person and she is currently divorcing him.
I did not consider myself a sexually prudish person and I have always believed that whatever a married couple wants to do is ok, as long as it is pleasurable to both and they are both consenting. Now I am not so sure. I do think marital sex should be between the couple, for the couple, and private to the couple. What your husband wants to do is act out his compulsion with you and you are NOT comfortable with it, therefore it is NOT consenting and NOT ok.
I feel very badly for you AND your husband ( as you get to know me better you will see I rarely extend sympathy to Sa’s) because I do believe he has a compulsion and he does not know how to control it. That does NOT alter the fact that what he is suggesting, will also NOT control it? In the end you will compromise your own values and eventually your own soul and his compulsion will still exist.It will exist because half the thrill is the sneaking around, forbidden aspects of acting out. He can try medication and a Dr skilled with his sort of problem. I think that you have to accept that he may never get better and decide what you want for your own life based on that fact? In that respect, you are also the same as the rest of us, Jan. Most of our husbands will not change and we will have to decide if we can live with what they are or not. It is just that simple and just that difficult. Believe me dear girl ALL of our husbands are “out there” and you are NOT alone in that either. 🙂 Big Hug, Karen xJan, just wanted to add to Karen’s great post that I also thought my husband was “different”… for a very long time. I was just in denial. He is not different at all… And I don’t believe that your h is either. He may have different fetishes, but I doubt very much if you even know the half of it.
We never do and we wouldn’t want to know, either. And yes, its that bad.
Yes, lots of mis-guided wives act out with their husbands as I “acted out” with predator, because I was so very, very lost that year…and had NO idea what on earth I was doing! In the end, I became sick… in every way, physically, emotionally and spiritually; it nearly destroyed my very soul.
don’t go there!
(((hugs))) ~ L
Hi again, Jan,
Please allow me to correct your re-expression of my words.
I never suggested that God “just spits law at you”. Quite the opposite, I’m suggesting that God is able to speak into your situation in a way that is of the heart, soul and mind. The “print on a page” usually represents a rational approach only to hearing God. I have learned from others that it is good to listen with a heart, a soul AND a mind, when we want to really hear God.Not quite sure how you made a leap to me not wanting you to believe in God. The reference point for my remarks what Jesus called the greatest commandment– to love God with heart, soul and mind (Matt. 22:34-40), and it pretty much becomes impossible to do that if we only bring our mind (our rational understandings) to the task!
With every blessing for the journey,
Diane.Hi Jan. I just wanted to write a quick reply. When you and your h met did he share with you his fetish and did you accept this as part of your marriage? My guess is no. If you met your h and he was forthright about his addiction and you married anyway, then yes maybe you do have to work this through. However I do not know of anyone in that situation. Most of us are blindsided several years and two kids later in marriage. It always happens slowly, never on the first date.when we can run for the hills. So this.is how I view your situation. On the day you said I do, you were not given all of the information which was requires for you to make am informed decision thereby taking your right of free choice. I am sure had your h presented his cross dressing ways on date 1, there would not have.been a date two. It is unfair for you to feel you have to accept this in your life. You want nothing to.do with it. And yes it would creep me out, I have no interest in that either and would in no way be a turn on. However who knows maybe some women would, however I have to agree with lexie on this. Sounds like he may not be entirely straight or for some reason he.likes.to be a women and you want a man. So slight conflict of interest there.
Love floraHi Ladies!
Jan,
My answer to your original question is no, No, and NO!!!! Absolutely not! You already know how you feel about it – go with your gut. Don’t do it. You will be repulsed with yourself sometime down the line if you agree to do it to keep him happy and keep the marriage together. I don’t just think YOUR husband is a freak – I think ALL of our SA’S are freaks! (to put it mildly)Listen to Diane – she is SOOO SMART!!!
Listen to Karen – I learn something new and awesome about her in every post!! A priest in Bali, Karen? Really? What havent you done!??? I am so in awe and jealous! And I love ever single one of your posts. i mean, literally, I crave your words because I can relate to everything you say!!Listen to Lexie – she’s been there, done that, been there again and coming to terms with her future – one baby step at a time.
And BB is a shining example of what what life could hold in store for us – if we just get the courage to change it!!
Good luck, Jan! Don’t not feel like you are “alone” or different because of what your husband does! Believe me, it takes more than a pair of Leggs to make any of us even blink an eye at this point!
Thinking of you……….
Dear SL,
You make me laugh and thank you. There was a time I felt my life was exotic (I mean how often are you going to drive for take out and find a wild python stetched out and blocking the entire road in your subdivision?) but now I find myself longing for roots and a home and familar friends around me. I guess I got tired? These days I am bunked in with my parents…who have been on the same street for 35 years. 🙂 Quite a change from the jungles of Borneo? I am of course referring to the Borneo expat night clubs….I would sooner take my chances in the actual jungles with the crocodiles and the snakes and the gigantic creepy crawlies anyday….well, maybe not. 😉 Karen xx
Dear Jan,
I just wanted to mention something that I forgot. I read an article (I think it was the NY Times) and the journalist was focusing on a DR at Harvard who works with sex offenders or what seem to be sexual compulsives. He has had great success completly eliminating, either sexual drive (drug acts like a libido crusher) OR more interestingly, just the sexual acting out. This Dr believes that sexual compulsives have an overactive part in their brain that drives the compulsive behavior. He also believes that the right anti depressant can alter that part of their brain…quiet it so to speak? As part of the article, the writer highlighted a couple of his success stories and one sounds very much like your husband. He was a young man (30’s) whose grandmother had been a seamstress and he had been exposed to beautiful materials all his life. It didn’t say he had been molested by his mother, family ect but for some reason, from a young age he had been drawn to women’s under garments and particularly his mother’s panties ( I know- very strange). Eventually, he married and had a pretty,young wife but he continued to dress up in lady’s things and hide it from his wife. Naturally, it impacted his ability to have a healthy sex life with her. I think he also masturbated with the clothes on. He ended up getting help because he was in a serious car accident and he realized that instead of his concern being for his own life…his main concern was getting home… before his wife found his secret stash of clothes in the apartment! He somehow found his way to this DR who treated him with great success. The drugs completely eliiminated all desire to act out with underwear BUT his libido for normal sex with his wife was not affected. He ended up living a normal life with a normal marital sex life. It was quite a story. In other cases, the drug actually almost neuters the man and they lose most of their libido but so many of them were close to suicide or had attempted suicide that they were willing to make the sacrifice in order to be free of the compulsion. I cannot remember how I found the article but was definately on the net. Might be worth investigating? Maybe you can track that Dr down. If I can find the article, I will let you know. Karen x
God hates divorce. Of course He does. But He also makes it clear as to what His expectations of us within the marriage are.
You are God’s Princess, chosen, adopted daughter of the King of Kings. His beloved, Bride to Be. I don’t believe for one minute that He would expect you to be trapped in a marriage that is disrespectful, unloving and void of real spiritual love, nor would he want you to remain in an abusive and dangerous situation.
God expects our husbands to love us as Jesus loves us…
I dont recall finding a biblical reference to wearing women’s lingerie (but I havent looked) but I do know that we are called to avoid sinful lust, to cut off anything that causes us to sin. And, if what your husband is doing is not love, then he is sinning.
Do not be afraid to cut your husband out of your life if he is causing you to sin. God makes it clear that there are biblical reasons to divorce if needed.
Carry on loving God with all your heart Jan and He will give you the answers.
Diane, you are so right – learning to Listen to God with Heart, Soul and Mind is essential to feel the answers. I really need to learn how to do this to discern my future!
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