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You hear so much about the SA and their “triggers.” But what about the partners and the things that “trigger” their trauma and memories?
Just the sight of a short skirt, cleavage, tight jeans, etc will give my H what he calls a sexual “rush.”
So now every one of these things… bra commercials… magazines at the checkout… remind me of everything going on. Do you realize how many of those things you see in a single day??? (That’s rhetorical, I know you all do)
We were at the grocery store one day and I saw my H sorta turn quickly. I was like, “WTH?” Above the cheese section was a huge poster of the Dallas cowboy cheerleaders. Now every time I even see the cowboys logo, I think of all this. I live 8 miles from Dallas. I see A LOT of cowboys logos!
Movies are the worst. I scour the parent guide at IMDB before renting any. And even then plenty of stuff gets through. And the second it flashes on the screen there is a tension in the air thick enough to cut with a knife.
My H talks about past plans we have had to go to various beaches. There is NO WAY I want to be on a beach surrounded by woman in skimpy bikinis. Can’t imagine ever being willing to. We go to New Orleans a lot. Bourbon street sounds like a nightmare to me now.
Does it ever stop being such a constant thought triggered by all these things a dozen+ times a day? Or am I just obsessed? Had a mini D day in 06 but the two major ones were 16 months and 13 months ago. And it hasn’t seemed to lessen much. Which makes me feel like I am going to feel this way FOREVER.
I can sympathize with your torment, as many of us can. We have become so numb to the objectivization of women in our society that it’s a shock to suddenly see just how much our contexts are saturated with female images meant to arouse and attract.
It’s impossible to become the screening device for your SAh. YOu will always miss something and be sideswiped.We’ve had previous discussion about what exactly is happening with us when we react to the things that make us feel unsafe, vulnerable, or in danger. I’m not sure how much I recall, but I think there are two kinds things going on:
1. our reactions to things that recall the trauma we have experienced, and make it real again. For example, for me, banging cupboard doors and crashing dishes sent me into a panic. It was sudden and unexpected, like the discovery of porn on our computer. But no dishes or cupboard doors were involved in that. So it is the violent surprise that sends me back there.
2. our reactions to things that we learn are part of our SA’s addiction — his triggers and kinds of acting out. For example, billboards with half naked women unnerved me and made me feel like everywhere I turned there was a booby-trap (no pun intended!) and I would panic.No one can go through life like this. You need good counselling support to gather yourself back up in one piece and make the decisions that you will need to make in order to keep going without going crazy.
that’s just my take on things.
D.passing the condoms in the tampon aisle, the words Boca Raton, airplanes, silver Honda Accords, certain highway signs, Fellini’s Pizza, Express, BeeBee, Frederick’s of Hollywood, tongue rings, big-boned girls, young teens, gay men, techno music, flannel pajamas, all of the local restaurants with pretty young waitresses, Victoria’s Secret commercials, Victoria’s Secret, the YMCA. Home Depot, my birthday, SEC championship games…list of triggers goes on and on. I’m better now, though. Writing about it helps. And time.
As far as I’m concerned they can stick their triggers up their ass sideways. I am just sooooo done!
Love, Nap
kim,
its funny you posted this today. yesterday i went off on my partner, its been building up. triggers i call them reminders, anyway i live with them 24/7 for awhile they seem to get less but then out of nowhere i get hit by that f**king mack truck. this happen monday and ive been in that damn pit. back to my talk with my partner ive had it and told him he no longer gets to keep his addiction separate from life. hes been doing his so called recovery not that i see much of it. i told him he was able to keep this live and his other life separate, he let me live this lie the happy family thing. how even now hes too damn happy, like life is just great. well its not and i never had a choice and if he wants to pretend it is, he needs to lose me. i asked him how he could sit with my daughter and act like the loving caring father figure and then sit in his truck and fantasize wanting to fuck her. no more fake life he brought this into my life and he will get to live with it like me.
every time he touches me i can see him with his whores, like i told him i know exactly what he did to them because he did it to me the same way, he made me one of his whores too. he once told me that they didnt mean anything to him my response was it meant everything to me. he brought this shit home.Awwww….. I love you, Katt!! Stay strong! Do what’s best for you!! You deserve ONLY good things! No margin for error! Nothing but the best- or you don’t need it!! Thinking of you, sister and missing you like crazy!!!
Kim- I will get back to you on the trigger thing. I need to think about it! God knows I get triggered every freakin day – and my divorce is almost final!!! Yeehaw!!!! 🙂
One of my friends, who’s in her late 70’s, told me her German grandmother used to say, “Men. Don’t trust ’em with your children or your chickens.”
They think they are the only ones who have triggers dont they – I even hate that word now!
But yes, I had trouble going to my gym with the lovely eastern european red heads (poor women – I tarred them all as prostitutes), I hated the summer with all the pretty young things in their sassy short skirts and vest tops, I cant stand advertising anymore (a problem as I am working on a project for the institute of advertising)… the list goes on – waitresses, bar maids, strictly come dancing…
in fact women!
Yes, sisters – I think at one point over the summer, i hated all women! And then realised what I was doing. I was walking down the street wondering what he would find attractive about each and everyone of us. How much energy did I waste on that little exercise?
But, I fear this is not the end. I am working on it, and catch myself and tell myself not to be so bloody stupid. I guess it will take time, I’m a year in and it lessens, but then some things really smack in the face and that feeling in the stomach like someone has punched you…
I think the one thing it has made me really aware of is how much we use sex to sell stuff, and how pervasive this is and just how sexualised society has become. I hate it, and want to rally against it, but equally, dont want women to become repressed and have to wear burkhas either… THere must be a way back from all this?
When I see a hammer, a large stick, a metal rod, or a yard dart I trigger on my exsah. Of course, it’s just fantasy.
God help us, Nap
The objectification and sexualization of woman started bothering me more as my daughters got older. But all of this has shines such a spotlight on it all.
I startle really easy. I never have before. I’ve never thought to link the two at all. Food for thought.
I definitely went through a phase where I hated all sexy woman and wanted to tell the promiscuously clothed ones to go to hell. I still view it all as a threat. But I went through a mini jealousy phase of young girls as I approached my 40th birthday. And the brunt of all this came out 5 days after I turned 40. I sometimes feel like he did it intentionally. Quick… kick her while she’s down.
Katt ~ I totally understand how you feel. My H says that this waa the best thing that ever happened to him because it has forced him to face his issues, treat his depression, yadda yadda blah blah. He said he feels better than he ever has in his life. It’s like a slap in the face. I’ve told him, “Well gee… I’m so fucking glad that you can benefit so much at MY expense.” I USED to be happy… then he crushed it and is now claiming this s a good thing? MORE selfishness. He has this total fantasy that one day our marriage will be so much better than it ever was and then I’ll be happy all this happened too. Sometimes when he speaks, I have to seriously wonder if he’s doing drugs.
Nap~ I’ve been grateful we don’t own a gun. lol
oh… and the checking the parent guide at IMDB is for me, not him. I don’t want to watch a movie with a bunch of co-eds in cut off shorts or a movie with racy sex scenes. It makes me think of everything and in turn makes the movie impossible to enjoy. So why watch it and put myself through that? A quick scene here or there makes me stiffen up. And a lot of them will just plain ruin my mood.
I have to add, yrs ago when his oogling used to bother me before I knew he was a SA, would really get to me. Then after I found out and saw pics of some of his online hunting victims……….I mean BOW WOW and that’s being kind, these men get so desperate, they will take what they can get and it ain’t even near pretty. After seeing this my trigger bothered days were over.
Being real, NapWow, Nap! You are my other soul sister!! (don’t get jealous Zgirl!!) The same exact thing happened to me!! Use to freak out on going anywhere with pretty girls…. Because he always broke his neck gawking around…. Then after D day, I find out he’s out screwing anything over 300 or 400 pounds…. Really, dude?? Ugh!
Like you, after that little discovery, I no longer despised pretty girls. It was the huge, nasty ones that made ME think twice! Till eventually…. I just shake my head, even chuckle at this point, and go in with my life! And I thank God for that!!LOL, there’s plenty of love for all, SL!! 🙂
And I’m glad you and NAP are in such a strong place–two of my role models here!!
xoxo ZG 🙂Kim, good catch sister! The psychologist my husband went to see for his first visit, the one who said a solid relationship would kill this sex addiction – he’s not even licensed. I checked him out. He was a business development guru who apparently branched out. His wife’s a clinical social worker, maybe he thought her work looked more promising in the current economy. No wonder my H liked him, first visit and it’s all my fault and mine to fix. So, I looked up CSAT’s in the area and sent his info to my H.
Crap, he’s licensed in a neighboring state. But practicing in a state where you are not licensed is illegal, right?
Good lord! Glad you found out! I have a strict policy that I will not see anyone other than a PHD. With CSAT’s that may not always be possible though. I live in a major city and although there were 10 or so locally, only one took our insurance. Luckily she is a PHD. And I’m really glad it’s a woman as a bonus.
Oh, my SA used to say all that “This is the best thing that ever happened to me” crap, too. And I kept waiting for that great marriage, that true intimacy and friendship that was promised by him and the therapists…still waiting…Now, with what I’m demanding in the divorce settlement, I don’t think he’ll be saying that again.
Sure I was. He’s funnier though. He told me he couldn’t believe I was going to ruin him financially because of his mistake.
March ~ his mistake. As in singular? Why do I have a feeling that’s inaccurate!!!
My H used ro give me crap for “exaggerating” he thigs he’d done. Because if he did it 100 times, I say that’s 100 lies and 100 betrayals. He says because it was the same thing 100 times it only counts as one.
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