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I still haven’t confronted SAH about all that I know about his addiction. I’m waiting until I can make other plans, save enough money to follow through with those other plans, and trying to make it through the school year without upsetting my daughter’s life too much.
So, all I know is what I have discovered. There has been no disclosure.
And since he doesn’t know what I know, life is the same old, same old, around here. His birthday is Friday. I have to get him a gift, pretend I’m happy, do dinner at his parents. Our anniversary is this month. We were married on Thanksgiving Day, 1996. So 15 years. Everyone will be so happy for us. We’ll have to go to the same ecumenical church service that we were married in 15 years ago and be around so many loving, kind, well-meaning people that have NO idea what I’m going through because of what he’s been doing. We’ll have all kinds of family time. (my only saving grace is that he’s employed in retail and will have to work Friday and Saturday of that weekend.)
And then Christmas.
Ugh.
I know that I’m scrimping and saving and looking for a job so that I can take care of my DD. I have to. I cannot depend on him to provide any sort of spousal or child support.
And I know that the plans I’m making are for good things… things that will make the few more months of irritation and aggravation worthwhile.
But it’s still hard. Hard to keep my mouth shut. Hard to not say something about his texting phone and his little tramps and his porn collection. And it’s hard to be with his family, who are decent people, and all of the others, who only mean well with their memories and wishes.
Has any one else done this/been through this? I know that only a few have kept their discoveries to themselves, but have their been others who kept the secrets of the addictions from friends and family, especially during the holidays?
Any tips for survival? Words of wisdom? Prescription anxiety drugs? 🙂
Whenever I’m facing something tough like a court appearance I have a friend who tells me pretend your somebody else just to get through it. Sounds crazy but it works. I’m also on anti anxieTy med and usually take extra for these occasions. I think your plans sounds good and you are strong to follow through. Keep believing in yourself because you ate doing the right thing.
Love, Naprtla
I like nap’s idea, because really you are not yourself. so pick someone fun to be. Go out now and find yourself a few nice things for the holidays so you feel pretty. You need to shine, for your sake. It matters.
Thats what I did last year for all the get togethers. I am usually happy with jeans and a tshirt. I felt pretty and it helped. And for me the best move was to keep asking people questions about themselves and their families. I would think ahead of things to ask them and then I would fire away when I saw them…..How was your trip, your health, etc. Don’t give them a chance to ask you anything.
It works, people love to talk about themselves.
You can get through this. Just focus on your plans.
Is there any way you could feed your h bad fish right before your anniversary service? “sorry h has food poisoning” or fake being sick ~ people would understand if your ann. dinner the night before did not agree with you!
you have a right to skip that. be true to you.Hugs
HeidiBuy him a bulk pack of assorted flavored condoms, (in a big box wrapped in turkey paper, of course) 😉
Tell him that the 15th anniversary is “latex”. 😉
I would say you are not alone in this. Your situation is different in that you have not confronted him yet. There was, at one time, and forgive me because I don’t remember who it was, someone else on the list who kept that secret for a while to prepare themselves an easier exit.
That is a difficult thing to do, but I understand why you do it. You deserve an academy award for acting like all is well. But it has to be very difficult and hard on you emotionally. Are you seeing a therapist? I strongly suggest you do so. You need someone to confide in and run things by. You need someone to help you deal with your emotions and be able to let some of them out. If you continue to keep your emotions inside, you will explode and it won’t be pretty and it’s never at a good time either.
Keep yourself safe and healthy.
Much love, Claire
Thank you ladies, I appreciate all of your input.
Nap, I love the idea of pretending to be someone else. That and the meds… and maybe a glass of wine!… and I’ll make it thru!
Heidi–the “ask lots of questions” strategy is so smart! I will do that–and not allow anyone to ask me anything! I wish I could do the bad fish thing–it would be just my luck that with his freaky self, he wouldn’t get sick at all and someone pass it on to me. :/
Lexie and March–fabulous gift ideas!! Made me LOL! I have often thought that I did get a real turkey on my Thanksgiving wedding. Bleh.
Claire–it is hard. I have told most of my friends and do have a good support system. I feel absolutely no shame or embarrassment in telling them. I haven’t told his family, obviously, but they will know exactly what is up with him before I’m done. I have absolutely no patience for keeping his secret from his family. However, I will keep it from the public–his friends and his clients–if he agrees to my terms for our separation/divorce. If he doesn’t agree, then I will have no problem whatsoever plastering all over town multiple copies of the pictures I’ve taken of his phone and the pictures and texts he and his paramours have been sending. Certainly I feel that his reputation is of utmost importance to him, and I will not hesitate to use any ammo at my disposal!
I’m so lucky that I do have such a strong support group, because I don’t a therapist. Honestly, I don’t have the funds and can’t see how to come up with them. I’m scraping to come up with $50 or $100 each week to stash away for my getaway fund. I don’t know that spending the money for counseling is the best choice. Heck, I don’t even know how much counseling would cost… but I’m guessing it’s not cheap. And I cannot even fathom talking to a minister or some other sort of “free” counseling. I couldn’t deal with it if they pushed me to stay married or made me feel somehow responsible. (yes, I do live in the South and have so many good ol’ boys to deal with!)
Thanks for your concern. I promise I’ll vent here or to my friends before I explode!
RTLA,
Hello!! I’m the culprit who kept the “secret” from my SA while I prepared an exit plan and gathered evidence! I kept it a secret for about 5 months…. Then I filed… And still never told him exactly what I knew- but obviously since I “filed”, he knew I KNEW enough!!! 🙂
Eventually, it all (or most) started trickling out! You can read my story in the Stories group, under Read it and Weep! If I can be of any assistance to you, AT ALL, please message me and I will be happy to call you and talk- anytime!!
You are not alone and you are doing the right thing!!
Hang in there!!!
SL
A therapist who runs the support group I go to on Saturdays asked us members to go to the SASH site and fill out a survey for a study being done. While on the site, it occurred to me that I’ve never met a truly happy woman who is still married to a sex addict. I’ve met plenty of happy women, though, who left their SA’s. That’s the truth of it. Makes me think that when SA’s and their partners seek treatment, the therapists should suggest the partner dump the SA and that all the treatment should concentrate on her, the only one who won’t be a lost cause.
Thanks, Silver! I will be in touch. I think we tried to contact each other much earlier and timing was bad. I’d love to hear how you handled everything.
March, that is a profound statement. Focus on the one who won’t be a lost cause. I love it!
So many plans to make… so much life to be LIVED!
Sometimes I’m the Queen of England, Paris Hilton, or some random woman who looks like she has her shit together…..
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