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We were married on Thanksgiving Day, November 28, 1996, 15 years ago, and we’ve always celebrated on Thanksgiving Day and then again on Nov. 28. Just kind of fun.
Although, it’s been a rough few months since D-Day in August. Not feeling like celebrating this year.
Background: he still doesn’t know that I know about all his mess. I’m working very hard (when I can focus!) on getting my finances, etc, in order before confronting him.
But about 3 weeks ago, I caught him in a minor lie about getting a massage when I was out of town and demanded that he begin sleeping separately and that he wasn’t welcome back in my bedroom until he was getting counseling that was satisfactory to me. (the massage was a big deal because we absolutely have NO money for that, we are completely strapped right now, and he actually told me when I found out about it that HIS BOSS had given him the money for it!! I KNOW! Duh. So, besides the fact that we didn’t have the money for it and he therefore did it without me knowing about it… and then lied!! made it all so much worse… and brought back so many memories from previous lies… and then add to that all that I cannot tell him I am angry about … and you have a kettle boiling over!)
Early on Wednesday evening, I just had to peek on his secret cell phone and look at the history. Most of the recent history has been deleted when I check it. I can see the times of the text messages, but I can’t see the actual texts. So I can usually see frequency, but that’s about it. This time, the text messages were still intact!
Here’s what I saw from that day (him to NayNay — woman that works at the bank where his company does business — assumed lover, but no real proof, just lots of sexting/texting):
Him: Thanks for the HUG!
NayNay: You make me want you in a way I know is not possible….
Him: We can still hope.
NayNay: U will always be with p….
Him: Ykn….happy thanksgiving!
[my thoughts here: so he’s friggin’ texting this bimbo on the day before our celebrated anniversary and saying “You never know….” meaning “don’t give up hope on me, baby” and I just wanted to vomit!]
And, to DJ, his massage therapist:
Him: New phone. I can send and receive pictures. Aren’t I the shit?
DJ: I like it, your new phone will be lotsa fun. Are u holding off on a session until c’mas or after?
Him: Don’t know…got in trouble over the last one. I need one though.
DJ: Oh dear.
Him: Your text # showed up on the bill. She wasn’t tickled. This phone is a pay as you go…no bills.”
[again, my thoughts: not “I should have told her about the massage instead of not telling her at all and then lying about it and then maybe she wouldn’t have been so pissed” and “I got this new phone so my wife couldn’t spy on me anymore–am I slick or what?” and “now you and I can send each other pictures and she’ll never know!” Bleh.]
Well, Wednesday night, about 10:30 pm, I was in the kitchen trying to focus on all that I had to prepare to get ready to take to his mom’s house the next day. And thinking about how excited and happy I had been 15 years ago, waiting on my wedding day. And how very disappointed I am in the way my life and marriage has turned out.
And I started bawling. And realized I just couldn’t do it. I was NOT going to go to his parents’ house and pretending that all was okay. I was NOT going to the Thanksgiving church service (done by our old church; the same service in which we were married 15 years ago and our daughter was baptized in 9 years ago!) and sitting there, pretending all was wonderful in our marriage and accepting all sorts of congratulations and “I remember when you got married” comments. Ugh. I just couldn’t do it.
So I didn’t. When he walked in to get a glass of water, he looked startled to see that I hadn’t prepared anything yet, but gently asked what he could do to help or if there were things that we could do the next morning before we had to leave.
And I just lit into him. I wasn’t going. At all. I was done lying. He could lie all he wanted to, but I wasn’t going to any more.
A long, long conversation followed. And maybe one day, I’ll rehash all of that. But suffice it to say, it’s more of what you’ve all heard before, based on posts I’ve read here, and it ended with me asking him to leave and stay gone until after Monday (our anniversary). I told him I just didn’t want to be reminded all weekend of him and our (failed) marriage. He wasn’t happy–it was 1:30 am–and he had nowhere really to go. (he ended up calling his parents and staying there–I assume he’s still there)
He told me that he told them that we’d had a big fight, to not ask any questions because he wasn’t able to talk about it, and that’s all.
Truly, he doesn’t know the majority of what I know (the porn, the suspected affairs, and the suspected thefts from his work that could get him fired) so he didn’t have a lot except the lying about the massage to tell them. And being kicked out over a single lie seems a bit extreme, even to me. But I know it’s not all… and so does he, even if he doesn’t know that I know.
So his youngest sister texts me yesterday with an “are you okay” text. And then his middle sister. And then his mom emails. Prying. Expressing concern. But I know that they are going to be loyal to him, not me. Even though he’s a recovering alcoholic, which is known to them all. So I am not going to — cannot! — confide in any of them yet.
He is not, to my knowledge, drinking again. But he’s doing so many other destructive behaviors that I cannot imagine it’s far behind. I worry that he’ll be fired before I’m financially prepared for it. I worry that my DD will be traumatized by all of this. (it was SO hard to have to tell her our Thanksgiving plans were changed–and to come up with alternate plans (thank goodness for Golden Corral and its Chocolate Fountain, which she adored!) and to tell her as gently as I could, that Daddy had lied to Mommy and that I was very, very hurt and angry and needed him to be away until after our anniversary, which she was soooo understanding of and still is, even though I know she misses him terribly).
I’m sure that Monday won’t be easy. Tuesday, with him coming back, won’t be easy at all. I still haven’t decided what to do. Move him into my office to sleep. Make him find a place somewhere else to live. Try to find counseling (which he was supposed to do but didn’t even try!) Try to stick it out for the holidays, just because it’s “the holidays” or try to stick it out for the school year. So many decisions.
He actually mentioned a couple he knew that stuck it out until their youngest child was out of the house. Ugh. Our DD is 9. Really? 9 more years? I don’t think so.
I really appreciate all of the wisdom I find on this site. I must admit, though, that it’s often hard for me to post and interact because I feel so raw and exposed most of the time… even reading others’ posts often triggers bad memories and feelings for me. And I feel so inadequate as far as offering wisdom. I can’t even fathom finding my own way out of the darkness, much less uttering words that will help someone else. And it seems that all of the words I type seem so awkward. Me, who was an English major in college. Me, who was going to write the great American novel. Me, who wants to write for a living. I can’t even put together coherent sentences. I can’t think of appropriate words. I re-read what I’ve written and feel so inadequate. And so am embarrassed and erase what I’ve written and give up. So many times that happens.
But please know that I have learned so much from all of the brave souls that post here… and that I am thankful to have found you all. So very thankful. And I hope that one day, I’ll be giving back too! Soon!!!
Thanks for reading this epistle.
Love,
PaulaOh, just realized, I forgot to tell you the funniest part of Wednesday night…
I recently cleaned out a kitchen cabinet of old party supplies and found 2 boxes of the leftover napkins from our wedding reception. You know, the ones with our names and the date embossed on them.
I’ve been using the for little clean-ups around the kitchen and taking quite a bit of joy of making them all dirty and tossing them.
Well, when I was bawling my heart out Wednesday night, I found it incredibly fulfilling to blow my nose in them. Bleh. Take that, basturd!
Oh Paula…
First of all, you are ONE smaaaaart cookie. You are handling this one so well. He knows what he’s done and you know some of what he’s done which is probably as Nap had heard, about 1/10th (or less) of what he’s done and now, you’re done.
What a moron he is… He reminds me of one of the dudes in Dumb and Dumber… Well, you’re married to
DUMBASS.
BTW: When he says “we can still hope.”
translation: “I’ve got you right where I want you baby, (like a cat dangling a mouse by its tail) and if you think I’m even remotely REALLY interested in you, then think again… because I’m just stringing you along, until something new and different comes along… cause dames are a dime a dozen… xoxo”
Honey… This is what I’ve been doing. On the days, when I’m strong enough… I plow through my work and my new endeavor… and then, I SEE where I want to be. I can see my new apartment. Its closer to Manhattan and its in a building from the 1920s or 30s, but built before WWII. There are beautiful gardens on the grounds and big mature trees. The apartment is about 1000-1200 sq. feet. It feels good, to finally be able to fix up my home the way I want to, because I finally have the means to do it.
I’m busy with my interior design biz and with my new online venture which is now affording me a very handsome and steady income. In fact, I’m so busy, that I’m thinking about hiring someone to help me. (maybe even two someones!) I’m already using the second bedroom as my office. (the boys sleep in the living room when they are over.)
Sorry, got carried away… you get carried away too… Write that novel honey. You’re a great writer! You have great material too! See yourself living with DD. See your life together. See her happy and healthy and thriving. Honey, she is going to be fine. No, she is going to be better than fine. She has a terrific mother and she’s about ready to lose her loser father. There is no way that someone this sick and this evil can be a good father.
I thought my husband was a good father and in most respects he is, but leaving your porn laying around for your curious 11 yr old son to find, is not being a good father.
But, I too, got so emotional making my holiday meal… oh the memories… of Thanksgivings past… and thinking that while I was hard at work, making a turkey with all the trimmings, my h was probably emailing his fuck buddy, or one of his confidants… seeking the “companionship” he was lacking at home.
Love ~ L
Thank you for posting this, for sharing with us. I’m so impressed by your refusal to pretend on Thanksgiving. It took real courage to dig your heels in that way.
After my first divorce, I let my kids play in my wedding dress. I especially loved watching my nine-year-old (at the time) wear it while playing soccer in the muddy front yard.
Hi Paula,
I think you are very impressive woman. Take all the time you need. And thanks for the courage to share this with us. I know that there will be other thanksgivings that will be better. But this was the year to break the cycle. Wow! That took a lot of strength.
listen to yourself. trust yourself.
D.Wow. I’m so impressed. You followed you gut and your heart and decided not to play that game anymore. I think it’s great that you didn’t go to Thanksgiving. You did the right thing. And, who knows, you might have to do something similar at Christmas, but now you know you can do it.
I also think it’s wise to ignore the text messages. They are just fishing for some answers and it’s none of their business. I’m sure he’s giving them an earful and making them feel sorry for him. That’s his game and he’s gotten good at it.
Any idea when you will spill the beans and tell him all that you know? Take all the time you need, just remember that each day you wait is another day living in hell. Can you hold out much longer? Maybe you should discuss a permanent separation or a 6 month trial separation.
You are doing the right things. Like D said, trust yourself.
Much love, Claire
Paula, I don’t know why you would feel inadequate.. you write beautifully. And good for you for kicking him out. Those smarmy text messages of his are pissing me the hell off. Take care of you.
Love,
Annie xoxoPaula!!
I understand getting triggered by all of our posts, and I think we all need to take a break even from our precious SOS every once in awhile! I always call myself the prodigal (prodical?) sister because I always go MIA, then pop back up and am always welcome with open arms!
You are so smart and sweet and easy to read!! I can always relate to your posts!! Please, even without offering straight up advice, we still learn from you and your posts!!Our situations are so similar even tho my nightmare is now over! Yours can be too!!! Keep on doing what you are doing! You are making excellent decisions! Trust yourself, girl!
We are here for you!! Every step of the way!!
Love,SL
Hi Ready,
So sorry for the disruption of your holiday and anniversary. These guys are so ruthless in their behavior then don’t understand why its a big deal. This is so ironic, studies have shown that when men are cheated on, their done. Period. See, they are just messed up from the get go. They have us so far down on the totum pole it’s really pathetic. Stay strong and keep yourself on top. Where you belong!
Love, NapThanks, all, I value your advice and affirmations.
I don’t feel strong and courageous. I feel like falling apart and crying non-stop. Truly the only thing that is keeping me from doing that is my DD.
Although, that is also the only reason I’m still here, knowing that I have to take care of her.
I’m SCARED to death to think of being her sole provider. I don’t have marketable skills. I don’t have a license or certification that will get me a job. No, silly me, I have two liberal arts degrees that don’t really qualify me to do anything. I think about going back to school… and think what would I do? What are my skills? What are my natural tendencies? More liberal arts things… not math or science or technology. Nothing that makes tons of money. Sad but true.
And it’s all well and good to say that he will have to support us… if he’s still working, he will! But what if he gets fired? He has NO education. Makes good money for not having any, but won’t be so lucky the next time… and who will hire him in this small town if he gets fired for stealing? The whole world here will know!
So I can’t depend on him. For anything. I’m especially worried that IF his boss suspects he is stealing, that he is waiting to confront him about it until after the first of the year, after the busy holiday season. So, my time may be limited now. I feel the pressure. (of course, the boss may not know and I may be imagining things, and if so, good, I have more time to save and plan)
I have been scrimping and saving, with his paycheck, to eek out a bit of savings for me and my getaway fund. I only have about $3K. That won’t go far … and if I have no income, it won’t get me far at all. (and the attorney’s retainer is $3500… so I don’t even have that yet!) I figure I’m averaging $1K each month from his check. Sometimes less, sometimes more. If I can hold out until the end of the school year, I’ll have closer to $10K. And will hopefully have more of my plans together. And maybe a better financial grip on my job prospects.
So, to answer some of your questions, I’m trying to hold out until the end of the school year, for financial reasons. I may not make it. It IS another day living in hell, Claire, I do realize that. But I think that I do want my DD to be able to finish all of the fun things she has going on this school year. Her whole-school play (that she was cast in–only 12 in her grade level of 130!); her dance recital; her strings concert; awards day. So many things she has worked hard for and I don’t want to take her away from.
And if I kick him out permanently, there goes any money I might be able to squirrel away from his paycheck. So a temporary fix hurts ME in the long-run. Certainly, having him gone might take some stress off me now… I wouldn’t have to deal with him at all… and might be able to think clearer a lot of the time, not clouded with anger or stress. But I am afraid it would be replaced by the stress of knowing that I wasn’t adding to my getaway fund. That I was quite possibly going to be penniless without his funds coming in (if he got fired in January) and that would cause more stress. I just don’t know!!
It is my goal—I’m putting this out there for the universe, Lexie–because I do see my dreams and can visualize all of this perfectly– to take her to Europe for a year. To live in a mid-sized city in France or Germany, have her attend a local school, both of us learn the language, I’ll write and work on my blog, and we’ll travel extensively on breaks and experience all that a new and different culture can offer. Maybe we’ll stay longer. I’ll entertain that certainly! And trips back to visit will be scarce. Not that we won’t have Skype or email, but because trips are expensive and because I may be her sole support. And because if her daddy’s been fired and is jobless, I want to shield her from that. And I won’t have to deal with his family at all. So running away? I can see where it would seem like that. But it’s so much more… and it’s been my dream for a long time to expose her to so much more than our small town life here in SC.
Will it happen? Well, I’m working diligently to make it happen. I’ve got to get her passport, which he will have to sign. I’m going to formulate the plan and make a trip this spring to find a place to live. I may even decide to do a Teaching English as a Foreign Language job so that I can have a working visa and be able to be in the country legally without having the $$$$ that the governments require for a long-term visa. So much to consider.
And, yes, I realize I don’t have to move to Europe to get away and to expose her to a different culture. But it’s MY dream to live in a foreign country …. and I’m ready to put my dreams back on the front burner. I think I can incorporate my dreams into a wonderful experience for her… and she and I can build a terrific life together without him.
Oh, and in SC, without proof of adultery, which I don’t have and am not willing to spend $1500 on a PI, a year’s separation is required for a no-fault divorce. AND, if I start divorce proceedings, most likely any judge would require me to stay in the state during the proceedings. Which would mean that for a year or two, since the courts are so backed up, I would be trapped here.
So, at this point, to get to my European goal, I’m thinking I will need to play nice with him, until I get my finances and plan in order, get her through the school year, leave here for our year abroad without making it an official separation (because if I do that “officially” he can demand and get visitation, which would be super hard if I’m so far away!), so still be married but with full official custody and his approval to take her out of the country, getting financial assistance from him as long as he’s employed, and then see where we are a year from now.
And, as someone pointed out a long time ago, as long as I’m married to him, no matter where I go or what I do, I have 100% custody of her. As soon as we are divorced, my custody drops to 50%. And according to my attorney, the one I met with initially for a consult, no judge sees pornography or adultery as bad parenting. So he’ll get 50% custody as long as he’s not involved with child porn or molestation. And I promise you, if he touches her, he’ll never have anything else to worry about–ever!
Whew! That was a mouthful. Does it make sense to you ladies? Am I thinking clearly? See any ways to make it better? Have any suggestions? I’d welcome them!
Wow. It took a lot of courage to make him leave. Now that you have started the process, and family knows there’s a problem, be prepared for things moving more quickly than you had hoped.
Also, do you think he has any idea at all that you are possibly considering divorce? If so, he might be secretly preparing, too. Also, once you formally separate or file divorce papers, he will be entitled to half of the money you have saved. But also, you will be entitled to half of any other savings that has accumulated during your marriage. That includes anything that has come out of his check for retirement. These are just practical things to consider as you plan.
Sorry to sound so cold about it all. Money can be. And any promises–or threats–he might make are irrelevant when it comes to financial settlements, I think. The courts have formulas and procedures for all that.
I was married on November 24, 1994, two days after Thanksgiving. This year the calendar matched how it was back then, 17 years ago. I know how hard it was for you this week. I am so sorry. But much more traumatic for you as you continue to live in that horrible pressure cooker. Last year at this time the stress was horrible, even though he was living at his mom’s, because we were still just separated. I had not yet decided on divorce and the possibility of him returning without stopping porn made me frantic inside. And the PTSD trauma engulfing me all the time. This year it is sad, but that frantic traumatic feeling is gone.
You’ll be okay. You will get through this. I really do think the period right before and right after deciding to divorce and making it formal was the worst. But life moves forward. As details are worked out, things get better.
Is there any chance of getting a part time job? That would make you less dependent on him. A degree of any kind makes getting a job much easier. And you are a writer. Employers need people who write well. You can do it.
Dear Ready to Live:
I want you to know how very very smart I believe you are. The fact that your H does not know that you know, so extremely wise. I am even more imporessed that you are close to reaching your retainer fee. Well done!!!
Even more well done, that you got him out. Enjoy a slice of heaven. You know what Ready? the more I read on this site about women who are making the move, everyone feels weak, terrified and cries — how could we not? we should feel all those very human emotions–the real courage comes in our actions. with follow through. with planning a new life. when we make those leaps of faith– I beleive anything is possible.
As for employment? You will find something. Perhaps even negotiate your education as part of your divorce settlement? why not? if you were home maker all these years, and he blew it– he should foot all or some of the bill to see that you enter job market with updated skills. oh the sweetness…..
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