- This topic has 10 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 1 month ago by
.
-
Posts
-
I had this epiphany while talking with my mom about an hour ago or so…
she must’ve “heard” me crying… and called me up and helped me to feel better. She’s been really great and when she has to, is not in the slightest bit dingy, but much more like the mom I knew from 15 years ago! One of the things that I realized and maybe it can help other women too, who have just left or are thinking about leaving…
This pain is worst than the discovery. At least it is for me. Its like none other I’ve ever had, because in some ways, everything that is right now… is only an exacerbation of what I felt living in a loveless marriage. And then comes the realization of all I’ve lost and all that never was and can never be gotten back. even my tree, is a symbol of all of the trees I never could have… all of the joyless depressing, lonely holidays spent watching TV… and realizing the pain that I was living with on a daily basis that I had become so desensitized to, that I hardly even noticed it, but it was there…
my brain isn’t working at full throttle. (must sleep!)
but, then, what I fully realized is, that I mustn’t panic and throw in the towel, (I promise that I won’t!) because this is probably the worst its going to be. Its like going through the final stages of labor when you feel like you’re being ripped into two pieces with a knife plunged into your back, and wondering how many more hours you have to go, but really its more like minutes…
its like I just had surgery to repair a torn rotator cuff…
post op, it feels worse than it did before the surgery… but then, with rehab… rest, specific therapy, gentle exercise, over time, it does heal and it does get better.
I think that my separation and eventual divorce from husband is a lot like that.
so… I have to know that this state is only temporary and that it WILL get better and one fine day, I’ll wake up and be happy to be alive…
and rid of him!
Love,
Laurel
Lexie, Laurel, whatever you want to be called. Hang in there– you are insightful and funny even in the murkiest if times. You are going to blossom again, it is already happening. You are a firework!
http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Di4X1Ua3jwuQ&v=i4X1Ua3jwuQ&gl=USYou’re right Lexie, you will feel better as time goes on. Its very raw right now. Thinking of you and so happy your mom is able to help you ease some of your pain.
Love, NapHi Lexie,
Yes it is termporary. You will still have glimpses off and on back to the past about what you are missing. However i always bounce back pretty quick. And each time last a little less time. And as you give yourself enough time to absor it all and get back to feeling the real you, without all the sadness and pain of him being gone, and realize you can be happy without him and you can have life without him. And all the crap you had to deal with to have him do the few things he did…will not seem like such a good thing anymore. While unsure now, it hink you will have a clearer picture in time.I also wanted to say. When i had my 1st divore, i was guilty of rehashing out the relationship, looking over and over in my mind, in turn which lead to scrying, feeling so defeated, why me, how did he do this, why did he ever marry me, i wish i had never married him, why am i not good enough??? On and on. And i spoke with the therapist i had at the time. And he called it scanning or something like that. Because i kept regoing over everything, which would cause a dramatic downward spiral. It took be a bit to stop, because it is a purely conscious effort to keep dredging it back up over and over. And to a point it serves no purpose but to bring you down. And at some point we have to stop. So i made the conscious effort at that point to stop since i then knew what it was. And i did. I have not done this this time around with 2 divorce, because i already know the effects of this thought pattern. It serves no good purpose to continue on, long after needed too, and in my case i had already decided to leave and move on. So why keep rehashing up my relationship…..it was time to move on.
Anyway, Love ya lexie.
FloraYour hurt and grief is traumatic. I am so sad for you. But hopeful, too.
Even more than hopeful. You’ve invested a lot in a life that was impacted forever by the carelessness, even maliciousness, of someone you trusted completely. But you’re wise enough to know that investment needs to be moved before the negative returns consume you.
I am so sad that you are living this. But, you are living it eyes wide open, with nobody hiding the REAL story. No ticking timebombs wait to shatter this new life you’re building. This pain is viscious, but it’s one you were brave enough to take on to birth a better future for YOU! What a woman!
Your sharing has brought clarity and inspiration to me and, it seems on this site, countless others. Your courage and strength have us all cheering for you.
I think when your grieving period is over, you’re going to feel light as a feather having the burden of the past lifted.
wow! thanks everyone. What beautiful kind words.
I was so angry at my h yesterday and it persisted into the morning because I simply am sick and tired of his “half-apologies” which are an apology followed by a but “you did such and such” or “I thought that you wouldn’t want… blah, blah”
Its this kind of ASSUMPTION and inability to ASK, that’s been a big part of his problem. And as my h has always been so fond of saying
ASSUME means making an ASS out of U and ME.
So, I sent him back yet another, not as long email saying I simply would not communicate with him, until he apologized without the blame, excuses, assumptions and worst of all, the meaningless DEFLECTION, that is completely irrelevant to the situation.
So, he called me up and he actually did it! Well, he began, to do those things, but since it was in a conversation, I could stop him.
During and afterward, I felt better. I felt that my feelings mattered. I don’t want to be so angry. Its completely and utterly DRAINING, and furthermore, its a completely unproductive and useless exercise.
After all, does it really change anything? I know that we all get this on an intellectual level, but then… for me, anyway, it still feels so painful to think what has been lost or what could have been.
My conscience is clear, however. I do not feel that I could’ve changed anything I did. Yes, in hindsight, I wish that years and years ago, that I had insisted that he get help. I mean stand in front of the door until he made the appointment.
But, should I have done that? Was that my job? no, it wasn’t. I sought out help for myself, 5 years ago, but he did not.
My chat with my older son, has absolutely made my heart swell with a pride that’s magnified 10-fold because of his disability. However, his disability does not include lack of empathy. As a matter of fact, that is always something, that he had–TONS of capacity for. He’s enormously sensitive, and fiercely loyal and that is who he is.
But, there is also our younger son with autism. He is sensitive too, but it comes out in other ways. His anxiety is manifested in negative, abusive behavior. Tomorrow afternoon is a holiday concert at his school and then he is coming home. His social worker only told him a couple days ago, what is going on. I am sure that Aaron is anxious and possibly even worried, but it won’t come out as “mom, I’m scared.”
Its a fine line. While I don’t want to coddle and protect him so that he’s turned into this fragile tea cup that can’t handle any bad news, I also don’t want to create a set back in his treatment.
He has been doing phenomenally well, recently. He has a solid B average and earned an effort commendation for the first grading period. He’s worked his way back to phase I which is the second to the highest level possible. He has moved into the cottage with the higher achieving, better behaved boys.
So, I think that I will take my husband up on his offer to meet him, on the way there and drive up the rest of the way together. We can have a bite to eat and then I’ll bring Aaron home.
I think that Cale is coming home on Sunday and then I’ll think that I’ll invite my h to have dinner with us, (under the Xmas tree? LOLOLOLOL!!! and NO, I didn’t tell him about it yet!) or we’ll go out.
I guess what I’m trying to say is… I made my husband leave. He is not going to be living with me, ever again. I don’t have to keep beating a dead horse. I don’t have to punish myself and my children, while driving my message straight home.
Abuse of any kind will not be tolerated or allowed. Sure, once or twice, okay… but not years and years of the same.
Its okay. I call the shots. I hold all of the cards. I am the master of my destiny. He can do my fucking book keeping. He can do my fucking taxes. He can make amends to our two sons and show them that there are consequences, but there’s also the possibility to move on… I didn’t say forgive.
What would it take to forgive him?
Ask me when I’m in the arms of a beautiful, hot (rich) man who’s gazing into my eyes, on our Villa on the Amalfi Coast… begging me to spend the rest of my life with him, because he cannot even begin to imagine living another day without me in it.
love to all!
Laurel
NO man who can’t live without you
No man who can’ live as a whole beautiful strong human being
Those are the ones who slip us into that empty slot for a while, trying on for fit, and then keep shopping
- The forum ‘Personal Growth’ is closed to new topics and replies.