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Anyone who treats us as poorly as our SAs do, not only do they not love us, they don’t even like us.
I don’t think they like anyone. Especially themselves.
And, until they learn to like themselves they can never, ever love anyone else.
In order to learn to like and accept themselves they need to take a good, long, hard honest look inward and face who they really are, work through their shame and be accountable for what they have done to us and others.
Most cannot do it.
Nap–this is certainly how it feels. But I dont know, and I guess that is why I am still around. I still believe that he loves me, in spite of the overwhelming evidence otherwise. In fact our blow up last night was exacerbated by my saying that I felt unloved. He got very ugly and told me his life would be easier without me, that he didnt like having to deal with all of this shit (the shit he created of course, but without a wife, who cares?!?). This is supposed to comfort me by the way…
For me it feels like I am always viewed as the enemy and never given the benefit of the doubt and that there is no trespass however small that I do which can be overlooked. No sense of proportion!!!Because at the same time, I am trying to deal with huge hurt and betrayal, he looks for apologies about the tone of my voice! That coupled with the acting out with other women, and logically I cant come to any conclusion other than what you said–he doesnt love me, he doesnt even like me. Yet my heart ignores my head and something in me believes him and looks for the tiniest shred of evidence that he cares. So his exclamation of how much easier his life would be without me serves as both a dagger and as that tiny shred that keeps me hanging on.
Feeling stupid….but all hope hasnt died.Bonnie,
Praying your hope is not unfounded. And for peace for you, at least for today.
I think they all think life would be easier without us. We are the conscience they never grew.
Hi Bonnie, I’m so sorry for those hurtful words your H spewed out. Please don’t let him make you feel stupid, you are not.
My H told me not too long ago also, that he had considered leaving me and the marriage because it would be so much easer than dealing with me and my problems with him. On days when I’m exhausted with his crap, I wish he would just go.
Hugs for you Bonnieb, and lots of love.
LindyHugs right back to you Lindy. It really sucks that we are in this boat but so glad that we have each other!
So sorry your sah is not ready to look within. It’s easier for them to blame us for all that ails them But the truth is we have very little to do with their acting out. even though it feels so very personal
you are not crazy, you are not at fault and a part of me believes that as hard as their addiction is on us, I’m still very happy i am not in is shoes. The difficulty of dealing with their issues drives them to be monsters at times so it has to be an awful way to live
do not misunderstand. I am not being Polly anna’ish about this. I believe there are many men who will never change and are complete Jack asses. But I hope that your hope is not squashed. I hope that your hope leads you to love you as much as you do your sah and that you will find peace in any outcome that may be. Xxoo. AnnaThank you Anna. I also appreciate your perspective on what is going on for them and how awful it must be. I agree, and I too wouldnt want to be in their shoes. I think alot of Lexies insights about narcs are probably spot on, and maybe that warrants more compassion than distain. Though I think sometimes it is healthier for us to go with distain.
Bringing up divorce or going their separate way is a very effective tool to get the other person (you) to back off. The underlying message is if you don’t drop all this focus on their issues they are going to leave you. Lots of them use this approach. It is just another way to get you to shut up.
IMHO Karen xxBonnie, are you sure you’re not married to my husband? 🙂 Mine has said the same thing about my ‘tone of voice.’ Good God.. He had sex with countless women and a sordid secret life and his poor little sensibilities can’t handle my tone of voice? I just don’t know where these guys get off. Er, no pun intended.
My h can’t believe how “bitter and angry” I am.
Maybe I should’ve asked him…
“what do you want me to say?” 😉
what’s even more bizarre, is that I just got off the phone with my 21 yr old son who absolutely gets it!
He said…
“Mom… he’s sick. Dad’s sick and out of touch with reality and he can’t face who he is or what he’s done. I was talking to him about everything and it was as if nothing had happened.”
WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND… he said it with such compassion and love.
the most amazing piece to that slice of life… is just a few short years ago, I thought that boy was going to be the death of me!
there must be a message in there, somewhere.
I can’t wait for him to see “the tree!”
every time I look at it, I think…
“did i do that?” lol
(and don’t worry, I’m watering it like crazy!!!)
“Out of the mouth of babes….” 😉 and yes “whats the big deal” seems to be a very common theme with these men..mine included.I had to help him see what the big deal was. Again not with words…words are wasted on them, IMHO. I know I keep repeating you can talk until you are blue in the face BUT they only understand actions and usually only actions that have negative implications for them. 🙂 You rock Sexy Lexie. Karen xx
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