defense mechanisms

NAP hinted at something that put me onto a trail about defense mechanisms in another post, and I got this info I thought I’d share because they rang so true it stung. Maybe someone else will recognize these behaviors in their SA/NARC

http://guiltedgirls.tripod.com/id8.html

All of us idealize. We carry residues of idealization into adulthood and often idealize our significant others on whom we depend emotionally. It is a normal and necessary aspect of mature love. The tendency over time to de-idealize those on whom we depend is also a normal component of development of individuation and mature love. In its mature form, it allows one to appreciate others for the reality of who they are; imperfect humans who are special to them in spite of their flaws. It allows one to share and identify with others based on the acceptance of our own imperfect humanity.

When we see persons who live life seeking to rank others or objects according to comparative value in contrast to flawed or defective others, and there appears to be a search for perfection both through merger with the idealized objects/persons and/or with efforts to perfect the self, the individuals are considered to be narcissistic. While there are other characteristics of narcissistic personality traits/disorder, their dependence on the defense of idealization is one of the more obvious characteristics. (Other familiar aspects of narcissism that follow from use of this defense are: seeking of fame, notority, or popularity, constant reassurance of one’s importance to others, the desire to associate only with individuals who are recognized as being highly important, exceptionally attractive, extremely intelligent, or ‘special’ in some publically recognized fashion, their need for recognition of their own often contrived superiorority or expertise, and their propensity to deprive others of any such recognition or reassurance, as if they are the only ones worthy of such deference.) The idea that one must perfect the self rather than accept what one is, in order to love it, results from over-reliance on the use of idealization as a defense.
ted outcome of the need to idealize. What goes up on the pedastal must come down, or be knocked down if any flaws are perceived. And the more the object was idealized, the more radical the devaluation to which it will eventually lead. A typical example of this kind of behavior is in the partner who worships his/her lover, only to wake up one day and feel nothing for him/her once their lack of perfection is noted. Another example would be the partner who believes that the significant other should meet his/her needs, caretake and nurture, with no reciprocation. (This particular form of devaluation where the other is exploited by the narcissist, leads to failed relationships due to the inevitable resentment by the marginalized partner, who has been exploited and devalued. This ultimate disatisfaction with the narcissist by the devalued partner, is often experienced by the narcissist, who feels entitled to preferential treatment, as being devalued himself/herself which leads to rage, rather than seen as the natural consequence of the narcissist’s exploitation of the other, ie; devaluation. It has been observed clinically, that narcissists do not learn from failed relationships but continue to seek a partner who will recognize their superiority and provide them with what they feel entitled to.)