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I’m thinking about how my head wants to blow up when I read about therapists and their incompetence, and would like to direct that energy in a positive direction.
What about sharing the worst things the therapists have told us or said to us, and then pooling our wisdom to build a resource (hello JoAnn!) for dealing with therapists and the things that they say.
Often, in the moment, we can’t respond appropriately. So having a resource could help us all.
So what has a therapist said that left you unable to respond or knowing it was off track?REsponse suggestion:
Based on what? Your haven’t assessed me for PTSD according to the list of symptoms. Your professional response suggests you don’t know enough to do that because of bias or ignorance. Which is it?Thank you, Diane. At the time, I was just looking for some clarity and help for my symptoms. I didn’t care if they had a label or not. And that was the answer I got. 😛
What the therapist said to you is as dismissive and diminishing as our SA’s are with the effects of their behaviours. When a therapist does it, it professionally patronizing and intended to intimidate you into denying your own experience. It is reflective of their codependent relationship with their therapeutic model. They can not entertain and data, facts, information that compromises it.
Ive been in and out of therapy since I was 35. I’ve had a total of 5 therapists. (not all at the same time). I would have to say, I learned something from all of them, even if it was just one thing, it was usually profound. My current therapist is so super. I learn so much from her and am so grateful for her. She saved me more than once.
AAAHHHHH!!! I have a good one:
One of the therapist that my SA and I went to told us that she did not believe in Sex Addiction. Well, that is the first problem. I did not waste much time on this therapist, although, my SA continued to see her on his own for awhile.
She told me that I needed to trust my husband. She said that I need to jump off the cliff and trust that he would catch me. I told her that I would love to be able to trust him, but that his behavior has made me question things. I said that if he wanted me to jump off the cliff, that at this point he needs to build me a bridge and show me that it is safe to step off the edge.
Obviously, that did not happen!!!!
Kudos to you Cindy for having the wherewithall to make that response!
So far we have two issues (I think):
1. Therapists that patronize by diminishing our experience.
2. Therapists that suggest we should do things that are dangerous to our well-being, because the therapists diminish our experience and the SA’s behaviour.Thank you, Diane, for bringing this up.
My first therapist talked to me about how many women actually really enjoy porn, and many feel fortunate that their husbands have that outlet for masturbation so the woman is not pestered for sex all of the time. Sigh. I also felt like she felt sorry for my husband because I was so upset over such a small thing. I did not stay with her too long. She did do some EMDR sessions with me that helped me get rid of the awful images from my head that I had seen on SAH’s computer, so I am grateful to her for that.
I hired a different therapist, who is a certified sex therapist. Like’s your therapist, Cindy, she is very reluctant to use the term “addiction”. I have struggled all this time, knowing that my SAH’s behavior clearly fits every addiction model that I’ve looked at. It was very liberating for me to read Barbara Steffen’s book, and find this site, because I have finally been validated. I am going to ask my therapist more about her stance on this, and I am also going to ask her for a true treatment plan. I have always wondered why she has not suggested a treatment plan for me or for SAH. Needless to say, both therapists have made my husband feel “exonerated” (his words) from any sexual misbehavior or wrong doing in the relationship. He is mainly there to support me and see that I learn to respond differently to his normal male behavior.
There’s a difference between a sex therapist and a sex addiction therapist. The very idea that she’s “reluctant” to say addiction says everything about that difference and about her approach to the problem. Find a CSAT. One who is diligently keeping up with the new research on the effect of the SA on partners.
Last week I watched a segment on the Dr. Drew show. A young engaged woman was having a problem with her fiance watching 6 hours of porn a night to “relax” after work. He was very adamant about the fact that he thought she was beautiful and when he was with her, she was his only thought. He asked her to go out on a date to a live sex show. She didn’t even know that existed and declined the invitation.
Dr. Drew asked her what she wanted . She didn’t want him to watch porn but they actually negotiated his viewing down to 2 hours a night. She said if he could keep it at that rate for a month, she would marry him. Dr. Drew and the fiance seemed pleased and he invited them back on the show to celebrate their nuptuals.
WTF!!!!!
I’m not very familiar with Dr. Drew, have watched more Dr. Phil.
We know what is acceptable to us and have to find the courage to enforce our boundaries. My gut has told me the truth but I have run around looking for explanations, validation, answers and support and comfort from people with a degree. (who have all their own problems). Not that I haven’t learned a great deal, mostly from my own reading and the sharing with you women who are wearing the same shoes. The biggest reason I sought out a professional was that my voice was not heard and I wanted backup for my H. He has only accepted his family of origin work to understand why he did what he did and to love and forgive himself. He has actually gotten worse with his distancing from me and is now using the psych speak against me. We only had two joint meetings and now he says he’s done with counseling, life is too short and he wants to live.
So yeah, we have to trust ourselves and speak our own truth but we cannot make anyone want to listen or hear or care or do. We then have to accept the truth of the situation and make hard choices about what we will live with. It’s not an easy process.
A line from Eat, Pray, Love comes to mind, “Don’t let anyone love you less than you love yourself.”
Love to all of you,
Debora
amy we wasted time with 2 therapists before seeing a csat. Huge difference. in the 7 months we were there he was in the hot seat. They really got it. unfortunately they are 3 hrs away, and my h is working out of town so much now he stopped going in Aug. Thats when I started thinking in the divorce direction. no therapy, time to go.
I found their link on Married to a sex addict site and she had a link on her website to joann. thats how I ended up her.
The best part is they believe in the trauma vs codependent model.now we are seeing a new guy in town, csat and he is a carnes guy. I am going to ask him if he read Barbra’s book.
My point is if you can find a csat who is open to the trauma model, that would be ideal. Ours is in Madison WI.Joann is there anyway to know before you go? I know in WI the csat’s are few and far in-between. Or a place that rates therapists? I suppose that would be tricky.
Diane – Just now reading your post. The worst thing my therapist told me was I was the one sabatoging the relationship. I quickly dumped her!!
I can’t keep up!
3.Therapists who don’t know anything about the problem but take you as a client anyway.
4.Therapists who blame us.Here’s what I think we need to be aware of:
1. Therapists who patronize by diminishing our experience.
2. Therapists who diminish the behaviour of the SA.
3. Therapists who suggest we should do things that are dangerous to our well-being, because the therapists diminish our experience and the SA’s behaviour.
4. Therapists who don’t know anything about the problem but take you as a client anyway.
5. Therapists who blame us.
6. Therapists who need to label us.
7. Therapists who want to groom us for co-dependent roles in treatment programs that serve the addict and their own bank accounts.
8. Therapists who use religion to oppress clients.Here’s what we are looking for:
1. Therapists who are qualified in the trauma model
2. Therapists who are up to date with sex addiction treatment, including the work done by Barbara Steffens and others.
3. Therapists who are not afraid of our experience and what it means.
4. Therapists who are not easily duped by SA denying, diminishing, lying, blaming, de-focussing, gas-lighting etc.
5. Therapists who are open to our needs for safety and truth.
6. Therapists who are creative in their own learning and professional journey.
7. Therapists who do not need to “succeed” in a treatment model, but seek healing for clients.
8. Therapists who are spiritually aware and open to the spiritual dynamics in play for their clients.I’m going to send these lists to Bill Herring, the Atlanta therapist who worked with my husband (and us together). He recently started a support group for partners, in part to learn more about how to help us. (It’s about time, because I really slammed him in my evaluation of his services.) He IS trying, though, listening and learning. He thanked me profusely for my “feedback.”
Great March!
Please note I corrected #8 in the first list, which was saying the opposite of what i wanted it to say.
Thanks,
D.Thank you, Sisters. Diane, these lists are really helpful. Again, some of what I’ve been thinking, but haven’t been able to articulate clearly. I do feel that my SAH’s behavior has been all but dismissed, which keeps me in the cycle of feeling crazy and like there is something else about myself that I need to “fix”.
Hugs,
AmyHi Amy,
Yess tough to get that this crazy making feeling is not actually you, which we got used to thinking, it is them. It is written in many books that if you always feel as if you are the problem…you are most likely not the problem. Someone has worked to make you feel as such.Diane,
I also think that the therapist needs to emphasize that they are here to work on their client and what is best for her.Excellant Diane,
Great work and so helpful to have everything like this in a nice clear format.
hugs cindy
I think one way of finding out if your therapist is a good one is to interview her/him at the first visit. Make a list of questions including the treatment model they use. I think in 45 min you would know if this therapist is for you. This would save time and money.
Good suggestion, Nap. I would like to make a plug for ISH, the Institute of Sexual Health, in Los Angeles. This excellent organization operates on the sex-addiction induced trauma model. I have gone through their Partners Intensive four day program and it made a world of difference to me. My husband and I also did a formal clinical disclosure (with polygraph) with ISH and through that process I learned about the most deviant behavior which of course he had not disclosed before and which caused me to ask him to leave. Feel free to message me if you want more information. Thanks Diane for this helpful work.
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