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Tomorrow is day 5 that sa has been kicked out and is staying with his parents. He’s seen our therapist twice since Sun and starts back to his men’s group tomorrow that he abandoned last April. I’ve been holding my ground as far as NO verbal communication-only texting. It is killing him!! He has asked once a day if he can call or if I would be up for a chat later. I text back “no, I’m not up for that.” I don’t want to hear his voice. I don’t want to hear the sadness, the longing, the regret, the promises, the happy times, etc. He’s doing that via text but it’s not affecting me like it would be if we were talking. His texts of I love you/I miss you/Let me prove to you I’m devoted to you/Let me court you again/Please give me and us one more chance bc I want to prove to you that I’m fully and truly committed to recovery this time get no responses from me at all. Talking about the weather is more interesting to me at this point. I switch gears on him when he gets mushy by saying I’m curious who is still in the men’s group as far as new faces, same faces since he last left or asking if he needs anything from the house that I can take to his work and leave in his truck. One part of me that thinks people should get a few chances when f’ing up wants to tell him ok fine, come home but if you make me doubt you one more time, if you miss another meeting, if I have beg for sex, if I even suspect that you are lying to me or if I have to ask one question about you being tempted bc you didn’t volunteer it then I AM DONE. I AM DIVORCING YOUR ASS! But the other side of me that remembers what it’s like to NOT live with a sa wants to say screw this! You’ve shoved this down my throat for 5.5 years now and forgive me but I just can’t get used to the taste of betrayal, deceit, pretend, indifference, celibacy, facades, lying and bullshit!!!!!!!!!!! I go see the therapist next week. I’m in no hurry and need to get my kids home Sun from sb at bio dad’s to explain that again we are separated. They ADORE him and we’ve never told them why we separated before except that sa had some issues he needed to address and work on. Same song, different page. I guess I just want to see him suffer like I have. Here’s what I REALLY want……………I want him to worry what the next day, week and year holds like I have. I want him to miss me laying next to him in bed.like I have. I want him to question our future like I have. I want him to wonder what he could have done to fix this like I have. I want him to WANT me sexually like I wanted him. I want him to fear the future like I have. I want him to feel neglected and abandoned like I have. I want him to worry what I will tell people if we divorce like I have. I want him to wish he had stayed with counseling and his men’s group last year like I have. I want him to picture me moving on like I have. I want him look back and realize he fucked up very badly like I have. I want to see him lose sleep over what I’m doing and who I’m doing it with like I have. I want him to want answers from me like I have. I want him to get that there are consequences to behaviors like I have. I want him to sit in the dark and rack his brain on how to fix this like I have. I want him to cry as many tears as I have. I want him to see me across the room and long for me like I have. I want him to feel rejection like I have. I want him to answer the tough questions from the kids regarding our separation like I have. I want him to lay in bed and think it’s not supposed to be like this being married like I have. I want him to go on date night and understand that it won’t end with sex as it used to like I have. I want him to be pissed off at his addiction like I have. I want him to think why the hell do I stay like I have. I want him to walk out the door and wonder what the hell will be going on while I’m gone like I have. I want him to quit feeding me full of bs about pa like I have. I want him to contemplate divorce like I have. I want him to self medicate in misery with alcohol re: our marriage/his pa like I have. I want him to gain weight from pa stress like I have. I want him to weigh pulling the fucking trigger re:divorce to end my misery like I have. I want him to constantly wonder if I’m into having sex with him and not fantasizing about someone else like I have. I want him to wonder why the hell did she marry me like I have. I want him to lay in bed on Valentine’s day, his bday or our anniversary and be denied sex and think WTH!! like I have. I want him to lay in bed next to someone who only cares about watching the news and then going to sleep like I have. I want him to want this to end like I have.
For-Now,
I think you need boundaries and a time limit on those bioundaries. Such as you need to be seeing then psychologist for X periodof time. You need to attend meetings for X period of time. You need a sponsor. And you need to be on step 12.I think he needs to be out of the house for a minimum of months, not weeks.
We all want what you want. Never feel alone.
Intimacy is a HUGE problem for most of these guys. My H used me for sex wishing I was somene (anyone) else for YEARS. I’d rather he didn’t have sex with me at all. It is humiiatimg.
Until he gets enough therapy (A LOT)… a healthy sex life is not within your H’s abilities.
Lastly, correct me if I am wrong biut the last time you kicked him out, you told him it was over if he did it again. You/re a mom… you know the fruitlessness of empty threats
For Now,
Your post really is very heart felt. It expresses so many things; frustration, longing, neglect, loneliness, pain, misery, anger and more.I do not know your story however 5.5 years is a long time..,,,,I think your no contact boundary to protect yourself is good. If the texts get too desperate I think I would end those too. He needs to live with himself for a while, alone and think about what the hell he’s doing. How hes hurting you and your kids.
Sure they want to come back. They can’t stand being alone with themselves. They are forced to face the reality of their choices. Don’t take this gift away from him. I think you are doing the right thing even though it’s hard.
He needs to be well before he comes back. You and your family deserve that. How long? Until. Until he does what he’s suppose to do on his very own accord. His actions will tell you a lot. Dont let him back until. Otherwise you may regret it.
Just my opinion and I’m thinking of you. Thank you for your post, it’s really well written and impactful.
Love, Nap
I got the impression the other night he was pressuring me to know if I was going to stand by him through this second round of recovery. I felt bold tonight so I sent him an email and said I want no further contact unless its about money/kids and if he’s needing an answer about standing by him I cannot answer that so we should take that as we need to divorce. I then laid out very friendly terms for the divorce , filing, seeing the kids and requested he speak kindly of me to the kids should he desire to see them even occassionally since he’s not the bio dad. I wished him well and said I wanted to be the one to make the difference in his pa but it doesn’t seem that will be the case. I reminded him that a pa is not the person he was meant to be and I hoped he stayed focused on his recovery and goals. The quiet will do me good. I don’t see how he can disagree with this. Its a win win for both of us.
for-now,
Just to let you know any communication and negotiations by email between you and him will not be admissible in court.
My x bated me by email to lay out what i expected, i was resistant to do this but he was so agreeable that i dialoged with him. Well the cooperation was just to find out what I was going to go for. None of this communication was allowed in court.
Go through an attorney otherwise he will find out your gameplan and screw you with it.
Sorry, don’t get your hopes up.
HI for-now,
your post really touched me deeply. I so understand that terrible realization of how much he has damaged your life, and co-opted you into self-destructive behaviours because of the stress, isolation and loss of self-worth. Thank you for sharing so deeply from your thoughts and feelings. They are safe here with us.
All our SA’s want us to “sign-up” for their recovery program. At the same time the recovery and treatment mantra is that there is nothing we can do about their addiction/compulsion to either stop it or increase it. The “sign-up” is their security blanket for holding onto the abusive relationship. It’s all about pulling us down into their big black hole, while they and the treatment program use us as “de-focus” when they hit the dead end. Don’t sign-up. Tell him you will pray for him, and send lots of good energy for him, but you cannot participate in his recovery because the addiction/compulsion is out of your control completely, and it’s important for him to understand this is his work and his work alone. If he should be successful, you can revisit your relationship if you want, and begin couples counselling once he is sober for at least two years and in full recovery mode.
These guys have to face the facts. And so do their stupid treatment programs and therapists. Do the work, guys, and then we’ll talk, but don’t drag me into your hell. I have children to raise and a job to hold down, and the mantra says I’m not responsible for your addiction/compulsion, nor am I responsible for your recovery or sobriety.
IMO.
Diane. with hugs to you.Dear For Now,
Thank you for the beautiful post. You express the loss and grief so many of us have felt so deeply. No one understands your desire for revenge more than I do. It is a losing game and will only hurt you in the end. It can be very deleterious to your health as well and can only waste more years of your life. We cannot move forward in our own lives as long as we let our decisions be all about “getting them”. That sentiment just keeps us tied to them though, of course, every single one of us has wanted vindication for the pain and suffering we endured at their hands. I have wasted additional years on seeking revenge and it is a fool’s game. I hope u will move on with your own life and leave him to his pictures and fantasies.Your validation and vindication will come with letting him go and “karma” will fix the rest. I was so angry I fantasized about my H dead and I wasn’t kidding… so I really understand your anguish. One more word of caution, as Kim said, EVERYTIME u take them back when u said u wouldn’t you increase their power and minimize your own so don’t make threats you are not ready to uphold just to play with his head. Take care of YOU. Karen x
Thank you Jeannette and Diane. I’m all too familiar with the courts and family law and know that discussions via email pertaining to a split have no standing. We have no children together and I already get support for the three I already have. I told him that while the vengeful side of me would LOVE to milk every penny from his retirement that I’m legally entitled to bc of what he has put me through with his pa, I can’t bring myself to do it. We both have good, secure jobs and so springing to my feet won’t be an issue. I even copied my long post here that began this thread and included it in my email to him last night. He has not contacted me since I sent the email which tells me he is respecting my request for no contact. I thought I would feel a lighter load when I sent it but the load has only gotten much heavier on my heart. Diane, you nailed it as far as this being HIS issue to address and work on and we are not responsible for it like our sa’s would like us to believe. To throw his words back at him that he said to me in the early discovery days of his pa when I asked he join me in therapy when refusing he said “We can’t fix US until you fix YOU.” What a load of crap! That STILL makes me want to bitch slap him when I think back to him telling me that!!!
Dear For-now
I am glad you are staying strong. I think the message I want to send its “when your recovery has history of a 1year or more, then, and only then, call me. we’ll catch up. “
I can only speak from my own experience. no real recovery has ever been started. maybe a day of remorse and trying. always a straddle. always something fictitious about our life somewhere.
but i really do think that recovery needs to have a good course of time to it. Like Joanne and Larry did. perhaps there are some other’s that have found success as staying a married couple/living with each other. I don’t know. but my experience so far is, no real recovery at all. how sad. cuz i think i am worth it. and so is my daughter.
keep strong. and just a thought, yeah he is respecting your request for no contact. but why? after reading your post he might feel a twinge of responsiblility. And God knows, he does not want to discuss THAT. good timing.
I agree Pam. It was only about two weeks last year, followed by two months of actively go to group and therapy then it all stopped because he felt he “really has a handle on this.” Oh he had a handle on something all right but it wasn’t his pa!! The only time he had a handle on something was when he was alone in the bathroom-sorry for the crassness. Being a smart ass through this helps me cope.
Hi For-now
We are in the same boat , I have kicked my h out of the house over a year ago, and since then it has been just a world spinning match where I would get so angry with him and disconnect from him for over a month but then he reaches out to me and promises me the moon and the star and use all his charm on me, so I would weaken and connect with him to use anger again to try to protect myself from his evil trap and I allowed that to happen again and again, but I think I was also not comprehending the extent of his manipulation and sickness, I think maybe finally I am grasping some of it but really still cannot understand it all, as such I am still not very strong in my stand, I just sent him an email demanding that he does not contact me ever, I told him I don’t want anything from you, I don’t want to hear any more about what you do or don’t do, just leave me alone, I want to finally have a time where I am not thinking about SA and PD, I don’t want to read one more book about those sick people, I just want to smell the flowers again and bath in the warmth of the sunlight in a spring day, it is very hard as my whole existence is taken by this whole earth quick that had shaken my life for over a year, now I have to admit that I am still afraid that I don’t have all what it takes to stand strong when he comes back and fall on my feet beging for another chance, but maybe you and me can remind each other and hold each other accountable to not accept any approach from them or allow them back into our lives…
So I will pray for strength for both you and me and all the hurt women on this site.
Harmony
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