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I have been posting here for few weeks or maybe for eternity but today I felt I should share my story with you to shed some light on how I got here, as I finally feeling I am not crazy, you heard me you listened to me and you justified every single feeling I had experienced through this years of marriage to this soulless man, my story is very long or maybe I have so many things to say so I finally have compassionate audience, so be patient with me as I have to tell it in sections:
I married when I was 36, I had waited so long for that prince in shining armors, nobody until then had swept me off my feet , even I was beyond that age of Disney stories I still wanted to feel my heart beating so hard when I see the prince, so life gave me what I asked for a prince charm who swept me off my feet and would have my heart beat so hard every time I see him ( later on he had my heart beating all the time with anger and fear), at that time though in spite of being mature well experienced 35 years old woman I was not wise or deep enough in my spiritual maturation to ask life to give me a real prince who was a prince inside out, back then I did not know that princes come in all kind of shapes and forms and that some of them are fraud, so I asked for a prince but I did not specify what kind of prince I want , I was given a prince but the one who was a toad, no not only a toad as he proved he was more violent than a toad, he was an alligator. now I know better and I know what to ask for I think :).
when I met my h, he told me that he was separated from his wife and had filed for divorce almost 6 months ago, he told me his wife told was arrogant lazy woman who did not want to do anything in her life but to smoke and enjoy herself with his money, that he was never in love with her that she got pregnant while they were dating, she was after him he said, she really loved him and wanted him so bad so she got pregnant to keep him there, he had to marry her for the sake of his daughter to be legitimate, very convincing story is not it! I believed him, not only that but my love and admiration for him increased, here he is a responsible man, he had put his feelings and needs aside for his daughter and married her mother to give her the legitimate house to grow in, but then his sadness and his despair to a soul mate was getting bigger he was becoming more distant from the ex and he was feeling that he was sailing solo in this lonely life, so he had to file for divorce, it took him almost two years to get his divorce finalized ( one story was that the paperwork got lost in the filing process and he had to refile again).
ok I know big red flag, and I broke the moral law of not dating someone who is not divorced yet but he was separated or at least that is what he told me and he had filed for divorce 6 months before I met him so I had nothing to do with the divorce process ( yes I know the right thing that I should have done back then was to step away and let him finish his divorce before I even consider marrying him, now in the hindsight maybe I would have saved my self all this tragedy I am living in now if I followed that moral law) but I did not do that I courted him for a year and half then I married him right after his divorce was final .
now remember I was a 35 intelligent well educated woman but maybe desperate one, I finally found my prince charm, after I almost lost hope in ever finding him and I was not about to let my inner stupid little voices convince me otherwise as I had listened to those voices so many times before and that is why I was not married by then, I always found one thing or another with previous men I dated to why I should not marry them, now here he is my perfect match , my soul mate as he told me when we first met, my prince charm, he was even so honorable in how he dealt with his ex giving to her whatever she wanted and was a supermodel father in the way he cared and loved his daughter ( but how little I knew back then about those men, they morph into anything you want them to be to get you in their bed, he knew I wanted to have children and many many children, so he is now the ideal father, loving caring dotting all over his daughter, he was giving his ex everything she asked for because he wanted to finalize his divorce quickly I was a real catch for him and he was not about to let me go anywhere, I complemented his image, his façade in the community so well, so he had to have me in spite even my own little voices)
So those extra zealous moral values I had abide by for long time are really too zealous I told myself at the time and I should move on after all I am 35 and the train is passing by and I have to jump on it before I lose my chance to become a mother, something I wanted to be more than anything else in the world, so I jumped on that train, I did not want to wait any longer for the next train to come, and that was my deadly jump, it broke my heart, my spirit, and my morals for so many years, only now I am seeking help for all the broken parts of me as I did not even realize for so many years how broken I became with this man, he stole my self-love, my heart, and my soul slowly over the years and he did it so well without even me releasing any of that until now.now I feel what is happening to me is god way of punishing me, that I dated someone who was not completely divorced at the time ( although in my defense he had filed for divorce before he ever met me) but I somehow carried that guilt in my heart toward his ex and his daughter that if I did not appear in his life maybe he would not have completed the divorce process, and that he would have still be living with his ex and daughter in one house ( well I if you look at it from a different angel, I am sure his poor ex had suffered with him what I am suffering now and maybe I did her a favor by appearing in his life when I appeared as he was very good in the divorce process, something I don’t think he will be with me when I am going to divorce him). I had shared with him those thoughts so many time and he would always assure me that there was no way on earth that he would still be married to her, he was so miserable he said in that marriage and he had to find happiness for himself to be a good father to his daughter, he would say if he did not meet me he would be divorced and dating, as he would never want to marry again, marriage has so many problems he would add, but he had to marry me, I was his soul mate that he finally found and he was done with women and he only wanted me, so I would believe that ( he wanted me so badly to be the trophy wife, but he could not give up on all those whores either).
I feel that what goes around comes around, and this bitch karma never let you off the hook no matter who you are , and Karma is catching up with me I am now in this position because I helped him in breaking that house of marriage that his daughter was living in.
So I married the prince in a dream like wedding, I was on the top of the world, I felt that love was everywhere, until only two days after marriage when he broke in an astonishing outrage fit over something very stupid at that moment I was shocked I did not understand what happened, could prince charm really be so mean and angry, that does not fit what I knew about prince charm and their kindness, generosity and their strength for their women but he is using now his power and strength against me for small mistake I did , could he be a monster hiding in prince cloths, I was so confused, but that monster disappeared really quickly and the prince surfaced again, so I even questioned myself if that outrage had ever happened, but then over the following years different things were happening including more rage outfits, demands, needs, entitlement, neglect, emotional abuse verbal abuse, which I just could not put together, where is that prince, where is my soul mate, who did I marry , I am hearing things correctly am I feeling things correctly, I would question myself and I would even question my senses as everyone around me was saying he was such great prince, how could I be experiencing those things with him, but again I did not want to listen to those inner voices ( I ignored the red flags, well now I see they were not just red flags but a big fire in the house which was burning the foundation of that house but I thought if I close my eyes, my ears, and my mouth it would go away I thought maybe the gentle rain would take care of it, but even though I would not open my mouth to defend myself against his abuse sometimes that did not stop his abuse, it was getting worse and worse, until I could not ignore that fire anymore, I had to do something or it was about to burn me alive and worse burn my own children)
Hey Harmony,
Don’t beat yourself up about dating a man before his divorce is final and please don’t consider it karma for the sad and painful period you have gone through. I dated my second husband when he was separated. He split his divorce into two parts and the property part wasn’t even settled until we had been married for sixteen months and I was pregnant with our son. And of course I didn’t even know he was dealing with a property settlement that was very stressful until he developed a very serious case of pneumonia that put him in hospital for three weeks (my son was then two months’ old.) So you are not alone. And by the way I was 34 when I married that husband. What I notice over and over again is that the women on this website are all intelligent and beautiful women. These guys pick us and hide their true selves while they are courting us. It’s not about us; it is about them. I commend you for your bravery in starting to share your story.
Love and strength, LBI agree with laurenbutterfly- We have all been duped! As I look back, the red flags were there, but I ignored them. I think we all did, or we would not be in this mess with an SA.
I had been single 10 yrs. when I met Steve. Had been through 2 divorces and dated many men during those 10 yrs. I was single. They were usually 2 dates and out, as I picked up very quickly they had more baggage than I was willing to deal with.
Then, I met my prince charming, And I mean charming. Not only was he charming, but intelligent, handsome, charismatic, loving, attentive, and a true gentleman. I fell in love for the 1st time in my life. He appeared to have the moral character I was looking for, but really was a sheep in wolves clothing, and now I look back and he was putting on the fascade. It was almost -“Come into my web said the spider to the fly.” They pick us-we don’t pick them.
Long story short. I am a psych nurse with lots of experience. This man pulled me in like the spider to the fly, and I fell hook, line, and sinker. The first man in my life I truly loved.
The last 3 years have been hell. I can relate to how you feel.
Do not feel bad about your decision. These guys can be cunning, deceptive, and hook anyone into their web. I know what to look for now, and would not make the same mistake twice. We are all human, we have good intentions, and go into a relationship with true faith and hope that it is our prince charming. Why would we not. Of course we trust them- we should be able to.
The important thing is we learn from our mistakes. I don’t think any of us on S.O.S. would make the same one again.
We are all very knowledgeable of the “Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing – I think we would all see it coming. You would too.
Don’t beat yourself up. You didn’t do anything wrong-Your h reeled you in.
Hugs,
SharronI agree with laurenbutterfly- We have all been duped! As I look back, the red flags were there, but I ignored them. I think we all did, or we would not be in this mess with an SA.
I had been single 10 yrs. when I met Steve. Had been through 2 divorces and dated many men during those 10 yrs. I was single. They were usually 2 dates and out, as I picked up very quickly they had more baggage than I was willing to deal with.
Then, I met my prince charming, And I mean charming. Not only was he charming, but intelligent, handsome, charismatic, loving, attentive, and a true gentleman. I fell in love for the 1st time in my life. He appeared to have the moral character I was looking for, but really was a sheep in wolves clothing, and now I look back and he was putting on the fascade. It was almost -“Come into my web said the spider to the fly.” They pick us-we don’t pick them.
Long story short. I am a psych nurse with lots of experience. This man pulled me in like the spider to the fly, and I fell hook, line, and sinker. The first man in my life I truly loved.
The last 3 years have been hell. I can relate to how you feel.
Do not feel bad about your decision. These guys can be cunning, deceptive, and hook anyone into their web. I know what to look for now, and would not make the same mistake twice. We are all human, we have good intentions, and go into a relationship with true faith and hope that it is our prince charming. Why would we not. Of course we trust them- we should be able to.
The important thing is we learn from our mistakes. I don’t think any of us on S.O.S. would make the same one again.
We are all very knowledgeable of the “Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing – I think we would all see it coming. You would too.
Don’t beat yourself up. You didn’t do anything wrong-Your h reeled you in.
Hugs,
Sharronharmony – dont ever think you deserve this.
You dont.
You never did – you never will have done – no matter what he says or does.He would have said and done anything to get what he wanted. If you’d stood your moral ground and said you could only date a single man – he would have been a single man and no doubt you would have ended up in a marriage to someone already married to someone else.
THey are clever – so frigging clever.
But darling one – you are so much better out of it. Stand firm in the knowledge that this is not your fault. Could never have been your fault and that you are a beautiful precious princess who deserves the best. Please dont look back. Look forward with every bit of optimisim you can muster and walk away – no RUN – fucking run for your life.
It doesnt matter anymore how you ended up here. Its just vital that you get away as quickly as possible. You have been abused in the most vile way. xxx
Hi Harmony,
I agree with all the sisters, we were all fooled by Prince Charming. As I read your story its much like mine. Before we got married I thought I met the neatest guy in the world. He was smart, fun, treated me like I was the most beautiful woman in the world. He was very handsome and charming. Then right after we got married he turned very moody, would become enraged for dumb reasons, was depressed, never wanted to do anything with me or go anywhere. He turned into a dull turd !Then I got the feeling he resented me . He was never happy and always grumpy. He quit showing any interest in me sexually or intimately.
You see, we didn’t marry the person we were presented. They were acting. Who we really married was the dud. A real dud and that is who they really are. My xh was cheating on me from day 1 and there was no remorse. There still isn’t.
How people can treat others this way is beyond me. My xh didn’t and doesn’t have a conscience. He also demonstrates he has no empathy. A malignant narcissist. I married my mother (;$$)?”&.:.!’ !!!
Please don’t blame yourself. They own all their own sh*t it has nothing to do with us. We were just in the wrong place at the right time.
Love, Nap
Dear sisters
Since I started reading your stories on this website, and sharing my own story it amazes me the similarity of our experiences, and the similarities of those men, they are prototype of the same defective design,
But at any rate thank you for giving me the space to forgive myself for my original sin :), I had managed over the years to really beat myself over anything that I perceived as a mistake, a moral mistake I did, in a lot of those situations, somehow I was really the victim of vicious men which believe me I never ever liked to play that role, I never liked being the victim as it meant it gave those men power over me and I did not want them to have that power, but somehow I really victimized myself by taking it upon my self to punish my self for something I did not even do, I put myself on trials so many times, but they were never fair trials, as I was the jury and the judge and I would always convict myself, but now I am giving myself the chance not to be the jury or the judge I am allowing myself to have the chance to have you, or even my counselor to listen to my story, and I hope I can do it with no byass, because I want to know the truth, in later posts I will share with you some more stories of how hard I have been on myself, I have turned myself to become the scapegoat for many people faults with me, and that exact same belief is what kept me for so long in this relationship, as I would always tell myself it is somehow my fault and I could fix it only if I can change this or that in me, it took me many years and many more painful experiences later to finally see what I have done all along would have been the same thing that many normal honorable women would do if they were in my place, and your sharing today had made me again see that truth, that here you are beautiful, intelligent women with great insight and great moral values, you have been also the victims of similar men and you had reacted in similar ways, I read your posts several times to allow myself to digest what you said and to let it sink in deep inside to replace that guilt path that I have chosen for myself long time ago, verbalizing all of that and brining all that to the daylight is really very helpful to help me shed a different light on those experiences, and this place here is allowing that, so thank you.
Love to all of you, I will share with you later the rest of my story.You kissed your prince charming and he turned into a toad instead of visa versa. You never see that happen in the disney movies.
Please don’t beat yourself up or think you are being punished. You didn’t deserve any of this. I broke a lot of my own “rules” for my H. If these guys weren’t charming enough they’d never have gotten away with things for so long. I was 31 when I married my H. Not young, nor dumb, nor naïve. But he presented himself to be the perfect man for me. In truth, these guys pay close attention to what you want and then emulate it.
You’re not a bad person. He was just a great actor. A wolf in sheep’s clothing. Little Red Riding Hood was considered a “fairy tale.” SA’s are the wolves.
I know Kim it worked the other way around 🙂
anyway that is what I am working on now, to learn to be gentle with my self, and appreciate all what I am about, and I am getting there, this experience had taught me what I am all about, and how valuable I am, and the strong moral grounds that I stand on, I am proud of my self 🙂
but I still have a lot of work to be done.
Dear Harmony,
I really feel for you and echo what the other sisters have said–you dont deserve any of this! We have all been duped. Im so glad that you found this site. This SA garbage can be so damaging to our self esteem and to trusting our own judgement. Coming here, I see so many amazing women and it just keeps getting clearer and clearer to me that this isnt about us–it is THEM and THEIR problem! I knew that intellectually, but emotionally it has take some time. Thanks to the understanding and common experiences here, I am starting to see it clearly in my heart and not just my head.
Best wishes to you. Keep posting! Hugs.
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