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I am struggling with whether to go through with the divorce right now and just take what is in the post nump, or wait it out, get the post nump updated, and come out with financial security.
I am sitting here tonight thinking now Steve is doing exactly what he wants to-cutting loose so to speak. Of course, when I was with him, he told me all of his restrictions were for himself because he could not control his addiction. That was bull shit! Now he is free!!
In the meantime, I have agreed not to divorce for at least two years. I told him it was for two reasons 1. My attorney told me it would benefit me financially 2. She also told me If he ever gets better, I have the option of going back to a healthy man. Ya, when pigs fly!
Well-he is never going to be healthy, and I am not going back to him. Is it worth it to stay married and get what I want, or should I take just what I have coming to me right now and file. $$22,000 cash settlement is nothing compared to a property settlement of paying off my Condo. Of course, the car is already in the post nump to be paid off.I am not sure it is worth it to hold on for the money.
I feel that not divorcing for a couple of years gives him a free license to do what he wanst-all in the name of recovery, of course. Bull shit! Plus, he keeps the control and me on the string so to speak. I just am not sure it is worth it.
Any ideas? I don’t want to be compulsive and file when I have the chance to be financially secure, but at the same time I know how important it is for these guys to be in control, and by not divorcing he is definitely the one pulling the strings. He can just do what he wants, and have me dancing on a string waiting around.
Having a bad night everyone. When I put this whole thing in perspective, I am just not sure whether putting the divorce on hold to get what I want is worth it.
I really believe he knows down deep he isn’t going to change, and just thinks he can keep playing these games. I know he isn’t going to change and don’t know if I want to play his game. I know one of the most important things for an SA, as well as a borderline, is to maintain control. But then, I have to think-maybe I am really the one in control if I get what I want. I am in limbo! Let’s take a poll. How many of you would wait it out, and how many of you would file right away?F him and his control. Wait it out and get the money!! You earned it and you are under no delusions that he is going to turn into Prince Charming. At least wait it out until you are not in a bad place and you feel better. I am NO expert but that’s my two cents …
I’m sorry you are struggling. It just feels awful. Try to focus on you and the good in your life. And if it gets too much for you I will come kill him. I could get by with it because it is well documented that I’m crazy
Sending a Huge Hug!!
BevThanks Bev- We are all crazy from these lovely relationships with our SA’s. That is my inclination to wait it out, but don’t know if I have it in me. I tend to be impulsive, and if I think I am hussled, as we all are, it is hard for me to be patient and wait.
Hope things are going better with you.
HugsHi Sharron,
I’m really not sure what would be best for you. Maybe you should speak with a financial planner.I’m sorry it just goes on and on, but I’m glad you are out from under his bad energy. These hard night do come and go, sometimes they arrive right out of the blue. But remind yourself it will pass, because it will. Tomorrow will be a little better. Do you journal at all? I find when I’m having a bad time it does help to write it down and get it out. It’s a way I love myself–I listen to myself and then find I can move away from those feelings a little.
Hang in there, you are going to make it sister,
big hugs for you,
D.Thanks Diane-You are so sweet! Yes, I do journal. It helps, but with a decision that can impact the rest of my life it is hard to know what to do.I come out ahead if I sit patiently and wait.
I just somehow feel if I wait on the “good” settlement, I might be giving a part of me up in the process. There will be contact if that happens, and I don’t know if I want that. I am an all or nothing kind of person and it is so hard for me to be patient and endure something to get something.
Thanks for the input, and hugs to you.Dear Sharron,
I am hearing that u say that waiting it out will be the best choice financially BUT may not be the best choice emotionally. I think u are saying he wants to remain married to control u and remaining married will mean u have to have contact with him? Is that correct? How much contact do you have to have?? This is quite an important decision for you because it does sound like you need the money…I think money fears are part of what kept u tied to him. When we are involved with dysfunctional people we do not have proper relationships and often the whole interaction just becomes a huge power struggle. Bad men always operate from a position of control, manipulation and one up manship. We tend to respond in similar ways to survive.I think the trick here is to continue tofocus on yourself and your needs and to not give a shit what Steve is doing. You know he is crazy. You left him because he was crazy? You know he will remain crazy. The only question that remains is will he make u crazy again? Don’t let that happen, Sharron but don’t cut yourself short either. Get on with your life, let everyone think you are single and limit all interaction with him to the minimum. When he sees his tricks are not working…he may file. You don’t have to give yourself up in this process BUT you have to make sure you remain disconnected from whatever side show he is involved in. If you find that u are getting sucked back in then u will have to divorce him. But don’t do it to prove a point because the only point is that you need the money. TO HELL WITH HIM.
Karen xxSince you posed it as a poll, I think I would leave- based on my limited information about you. You don’t have kids, you haven’t been married long, I guess I don’t know enough about your finances so discussing with a financial planner sounds good. But I think at some point your mental health and getting your life back becomes more important than anything- and only you can decide what that’s worth to you.
I’m losing a lot of money and probably health insurance by ending this marriage. And my earning potential is low 5 figures whereas is would have been 6 if I had not stayed home to support him and the kids. I’ll be in my 50’s when my son goes to college- not a good age to start a career. I have no inheritance and no family that can help me. Yet I am still walking away. Just so you know where I am coming from.
Sharron, you had a smart plan when you chose to leave and stay married for the financial security. The only thing that has changed is that where you were still holding onto hope he’d change, now you’re realizing that’s not going to happen. NOTHING ELSE HAS CHANGED. Just disengage. Ignore him. Keep accumulating the money. Were you planning to get married again in the future? If not, what’s the difference? Go dancing, sleep with whomever you want to, enjoy your life (with his funding) as your own.
I would follow the attourneys advice.
What happens if he dies in the next 24 months? Do you get everything then? You can get by if you wish for a mack truck to come his way everyday
Sharron- I would say ride it out as long as you can stand it. Your emotional health is what matters. God will provide as He always has. So remember that if you suddenly get the urge to bail. Yes the money is nice if you can wait but if you can’t keep in mind God has a different and better plan for you!!!
Good luck, I know you are truly torn. Sending hugs and wisdom to make the best decision that works for you.
Dear Sharron,
so sorry you are struggling— money DOES matter. But why can’t whatever is being promised in the post nup, just be moved over to the divorce settlement? why does is have to stay post nup?
you might have to fight him a bit on that one, and if it looks like you would lose if you did, perhaps 2 years is not so bad. there are plenty of legally seperated people who live just like they are divorced. but if he is willing to do it in the post nup, why wouldn’t he do it in the divorce?
if an extra 2 years gets you a paid off condo, i say don’t cut off your nose despite your face. The LONG TERM FINANCIAL FUTURE OF YOU MAKING IT YOUR OWN is important. being “legally seperated” is not too much different than a divorce. you have to consider your own survival at this point. i mean how much wiggle room can he have?
I would dump him like a hot potato, take a settlement your lawyer thinks is fair, DIVORCE his sorry ass, never talk to him again and move on. This in my humble opinion. You can’t put a $$$ value on misery.
Nap just totally summed it up in one sentence “You can’t put a $$$ value on misery.” So true when your mental health is at stake.
Hi for-now I think that is where I am leaning. God has always given me the answer’s I need in the most peculiar ways. I had to talk to Steve this A.M. about finances, and am finding I am feeling the detachment. I almost called you last night, as I was really wrestling with this. How are things with you?
Hadj608-If he dies before me and we are still married,I get a quarter of his estate which is substantial. Where is that mack truck when you need it.
March-No, I am not planning on getting married in the future. First of all Steve cured me, and secondly I would not trust my judgement-I would probably attract another just like him.My ego just got in the way last night. I was thinking about the fact he is doing just what he wants now, and paranoia set in with him being the one in control. I am really the one in control of this situation, as I am calling the shots if I decide to divorce.
March – I agree. As my attorney told me, just because we are still married does not mean I can’t live my life to the fullest, and I intend to do just that!
Terri-I have been keeping up on your posts. Your h is a first class dick, asshole, and every vile word I can think of. I am so glad you are getting out. I would live in a cave before staying with him. Go Girl! I am sorry about your financial situation as it really makes that decision to leave a tough one. Think of it this way-If you are desparate enough to leave even under the financial drain, it must be the right thing to do. I am 70, so my situation is a little different in terms of security. Living on social security would only bring me in $1720/mo. While married, I also get another $80./mo of his pension.It would be almost impossible to make it. But, if I have to I will. God always provides a way. If I can keep my situation, as is, without compromising my sanity, it would be the best solution. Anyway, Teri, I commend you for your courage and strength. God Speed.
Thanks for all the comments. It helps to get things in perspective, and you are always there for me.
HugsKaren – I really like your post-just now reading it. The only contact I have with him is he calls once a week to touch base. I do not ask any questions and he does not volunteer any info other than he isn’t having any trouble when he is out and about. Ya, right-this man with unresolved bpd resulting in sa. I can live with that, and I am feeling more detached all the time. Was just feeling a touch of “him being in control” last night, but I am actually the one in control. I think I can do it!
Thanks NAP-time will tell if I am able to stay detached, and if I can’t and it becomes too much I will divorce his happy little ass. I do have a lot to gain by staying married as long as my mental status stays status quo and I don’t get sucked back in again. I am at a place now where I think I can handle it.
HugsPam-c The post nump will be included in the divorce decree, but the problem right now is the property settlement has not been incorporated into it yet. (Paying off the Condo in lieu of $600./mo.) The judge would not go for a monthly alimony because of only 2 yrs. married. Once that is a done deal, I can make the decision to divorce in a split second, if I have to, and it would be final in 60 days. The attorney is working on that now, so will get Steve’s John Henry on that and I will be good to go.
Haven’t heard to much about you lately. How are you doing?Thanks Sharron. well, I now have limited access to the site during working hours. so i have not been able to post as much. i am still working on my move out date, still expecting that to be this summer. and have squirreled away money from boss. his business is picking up, and I expect we will be in positive terrirtory soon. I am expecting by june or july to be out.
it’s good he is busy. keeps him out of home and out of drama. he has from what i see, resigned himself to the fact i am moving out and divorcing. in fact, i think he is excited about losing the ol’ ball and chain. but as with bpd, the mood barometer is really wide. other days he’s scared and sad and doesn’t want to lose me. then he projects all blame on me. same ol’ sh*t.
it is still hard for me to believe it has come to this. and the whole borderline projecting thing (that website was helpful), i really need some clearing up of what is me/my faults, and what is his projectile vomit.
but i don’t see what good going to therapy is going to do at this point, for as long as I live with crazy. but iam going to get counseling from a women’s abuse/ shelter. help me understand, what I have been through and support me as I try to rebuildSo if you stay “married” can you still live in your condo…tell him see you in two years…i will expect my check every month. If you get better in at that two year mark we will talk. See you in May 2014 at the cafe. Do not call me, stop by….on and on. I think that is the best way to go.
Hi Flora- Yes, I can stay in my Condo. I told Steve when I moved out I would not even consider going back to him for at least two years, and then we will discuss his recovery. That was when I decided to stay married. He knows he cannot just stop by, and that I will not see him.
Of course I have no intention of reconciling. I know the outcome of this dude. The once a week phone calls are really not hurting anything. I feel detached from him, and only rarely does an old feeling pop up. That, of course, will
resolve itself in time. Once the post nump is updated, I may be able to get a little more independent-just don’t want to piss him off right now. The only time it really impacts me is when I have some anger issues surface and it bugs me thinking he is getting off on being in control by us staying married. That is passing, because as I said earlier, I am really the one who is in control-I just have to keep thinking that way.
Does that make me a bad person? Probably!Pam-c
Glad to have the update. I think it is the waiting until summer that would drive me crazy. I’m the type that once I make up my mind I have to do it NOW! A little impulsive, wouldn’t you say??Anyway, June/July really isn’t that far away. Glad it is within sight.
I think you have something when you say they like their freedom. I think part of them doesn’t want the hassle of having to deal with confrontation all the time, and the other part wants to hang on to the marriage. Steve doesn’t really seem that traumatized by the break-up. I think he likes doing what he wants and when he wants to do it-also we are an hour apart from eachother, so he knows there is no way I can find out if he is triggering, working on his recovery, etc. Ask me if I care? NO-a BIG NO.
I can tell you Pam, NONE of this is your fault, so get that out of your mind. You may have stayed longer than you should because of your own issues, (I did) but that is the only thing we are guilty of. These h’s of ours saw us coming and preyed on our vulnerabilities. The important thing is we have made the decision to get out of this madness. I am glad you will be getting some support from an abuse shelter. Kinda like S.O.S., they have all been there.
Love and stamina to you. I won’t say strength- I think it is more stamina right now for you.
Sharron
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