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We spend so much of our time writing about what he did not do or what he did that was so terrible. I was wondering if we could flip flop that and post some thoughts on what we would have like him to do based on what he did.
I would have liked him to…….
reach beyond his shame and be able to love me
know what love is
know what love means
be accountable
understand my heart break
What do you have?
Reach out to me when I’m crying instead of standing there staring at me like I’ve lost my mind
Understand I will have good days and bad days and step up the emotional support in the bad days
Stop trying to dictate my recovery timeline. I’m not healing as fast as he is
Really, really keep trying to stay true to recovery
Love me in a way that says I’m your rock and your protector instead of the evil villain in my life
Never ever ever ever have another “relapse”.
I would have liked him to have trusted me enough to try to talk to me about this stuff.
I would have liked him to see me more as partner than as a judge.
I would have liked him to have understood my pain.I would have liked him to confess/address the arrogance and narcissism that are the reasons I’m divorcing him.
For-now summed up perfectly what I would have liked.
I would add that I would have liked him to go to a treatment center like I asked him to, when all of this first came down.Diane,
I love that one.
I would have liked? to have never have been betrayed the way that I was. to have married a “normal run of the mill guy” and have our marriage make it they way it is supposed to.
but if after the addiction was known what would I have liked?
sincere repentance, and efforts to turn around.
sincere effort to make up to me the time and love lost
sincere effort to build trust
sincere effort toward recovery, meetings, doing the work, and really really making amends to be the husband and father that he was called to be.instead i got bullshit. and drama. and abuse. and blame for all the things that went wrong. no leadership, no accountability, no nuttin.
oh wait, i take that back. he did buy me a washer/dryer before he took off to brazil. whattaguy…
that way i could do laundry from home, while h e fCked whores and trannies in Rio. how sweet…a spade is a spade ladies. it is what it is.
I would have likes mine to spare me the pain and the heartache of even marrying me (17 years ago) when he knew, even at THAT time, what he was.
At the VERY least, I would have liked him to let me go ten years ago- When I filed the FIRST time! (instead of making false promises and begging me to stay)
I would of liked him to be the man he pretended to be. If he couldn’t do that, I would have liked him to tell me who he was, so I did not use up my life on a fake. I would have liked him to set me free to have the life I deserved.
I would have liked him to admit he screwed up and to have done the decent and honorable thing by offering to take care of my kids and me financially rather than fight and harass me every step of the way through the divorce process thus far.
I would also like him to recognize the pain this has caused our children, take responsibility for it, and allow them space to grieve and hurt.
I am not sure these guys will ever understand. And for-now…he has not recovered quickly…its not possible. Think about it. Just because he may make it look easy, i would imagine that it is not. He is just not sharing his struggle. On the other hand, we are the ones who have been wronged, and still try to make it work with these guys. Seeing them reminds us of all that has happened, going to the grocery store, seeing a happy couple…so many common things which happen EVERY day remind us of the hurt and betrayal. So yes its going to hurt, and you are going to be sad and betrayed by these things for a long time, and maybe forever. I don’t think we ever truely forget, but just find a way to manage or find some other way in our minds to get over it, under it or around it. I hate that so many women, great kind beatifull women, have to resort to such means.
So anyway – What would I have liked?
For him to realize that what he had done was heartbreaking, wrong, morally wrong, ruined my love for him. And that once he had realized that he would have got it! Felt the pain and suffering i had been through and i would felt protected and secure in staying in a relationship with him..because he understood the nature of his wrongs…and how much he had hurt so many people around him…and would never do it again.Instead i got i will try :-(….i will try means nothing. I got i don’t have time to go to meetings, i got a relapse of him viewing porn while caring for our daughter…i got nothing to work with…to ever make me fell confident that staying with him would be the right choice….
I knew that staying with him was not the right choice but i did not know what was. But sometimes the best way to move forward is to do away with all that you know is not right or is wrong. I may not know what I want totally or where i am going…but i do know what I don;t want.
Love,
FloraSL-when I say healing I’m talking about everything he’s doing now meaning going to group, therapy, church, not viewing porn- all the stuff he jumped into that’s making HIM feel better. He by no means of the word is healed, that I believe. He probably thinks he is healing tho. I believe it takes way longer than what he thinks it will take. And I haven’t really started healing. Won’t be until I find a new and better dr.
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