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Help! I am just weeks into my discovery and am floundering. Let me share my story. Warning, I may get winded so I apologize in advance.
Met H almost 14 years ago. He eagerly pursued me and we married shortly there after. From the beginning I felt something was ”off” I felt like I married him because I WANTED to marry him yet he seemed a bit like he NEEDED to be married. I questioned him as to weather I was Mrs RIGHT or Mrs RIGHT NOW. Despite my inner whisper we proceeded with life together.
I knew he had a weird relationship with his parents. They were divorced when he was 4 and he didn’t see his dad for like 3 years after that. Once his dad came back into the picture he was the 2-4 hour visit dad on Sundays. Mom was ice cold and demanded the children behave like robots. Clean, presentable, well behaved, etc. No love behind it whatsoever. Never a snuggle, tickle or kisses. Anyway, I had no idea that THIS was a perfect breeding ground to screw up my husband forever and subsequently myself and children as well.
Early on in our relationship he mention he had a fetish. What is the fetish you ask? Pantyhose. Okay…. I’m no prude by any means and I can handle a little kink now and then. (What I had no idea of then but now know is that the pantyhose was an early on OBJECT that he started with at the age of 12ish that represented his working mother that NEVER gave him any love or attention.) So anyway, in the beginning we had lots of sex and I thought everything was hunky dory. I would say once or twice a month he would have me put on pantyhose for him while he jerked off. Well that changed after a short while. Here is the timeline. We dated for 9 months (sex was good), Engaged for 9 months (sex still good but pantyhose introduced), Married for 9 months, (sex and pantyhose equal parts) Pregnant for our 1st of 3 sons (pantyhose took over our sex life ever since). My oldest son in now 10 and since becoming pregnant with him my husbands preference for masturbating to me in pantyhose (more so pornography but I didn’t know that at the time) was his choice activity.
He told me things from the beginning that looking back make sense now but were easy to go over my head tid bit by tid bit. Things like after the first few times we had sex and he actually ”came” he was shocked and said that he has NEVER been able to ”finish” before by means of regular intercourse, only masturbation. He was impressed and of course I felt a little proud. He joked that he always said that if he could find the girl that made him cum from having sex that she would be the girl he would marry. Oh lucky me!!! (tongue in cheek )
A little later in our relationship he revealed that he discovered masturbation at the age of 7 and thought it was the most wonderful thing in the whole world and that he did it several times a day, every day. I was naive to think that he had matured since then and that real sex with real woman had now taken the place of that. NOPE! He is still a 7 year old boy playing with Mr. Peepers every moment he get’s a chance.
Anyway, life went on and we had our 2nd son. (BTW, just in case you wonder…. warning… this may be TMI but if I’m going to say it anywhere this seems like the place…it was quite a task to conceive our next 2 children. He had to ”do his thing” and just before he was ready to blow I would have to be ready to receive it. No intimacy what so ever and I cringe to think of what he was thinking of during that moment.) After our 2nd son was born H started complaining about our sex life. At this time I was living in, for me, a sexless marriage. I performed his little ritual (which I hated doing) once a week just to do my duty. Other than that I was lucky if I got REAL intercourse once a year.
For the next 5 years we struggled because he wanted to do more ”nasty” things and I refused until he could comply with more ”normal” things. When I would explain what ”normal” love making was he would look at me like I had 3 heads and say ”Yeah… I don’t know what that is. Just let me fuck your ass or maybe dabble in a little web cam sex for others to watch us anonymously.” UHM NO!
In the mean time mind you my husband is viewed by the outside world as a hard working father, quiet (you know what they say about the quiet ones) introvert, all around nice guy. He has no friends or hobbies. He works a bazillion hours and other than that spends time with his family. Oh yeah…. and BTW… did I mention what my masturbating porn addicted husband does for a living????? He is a COMPUTER GUY! Not just some entry level computer guy. He worked his way up from Network Engineer to I.T. Manager. Needless to say I am helpless in being able to snoop on him and what he is doing. I would need to haul his whole computer into an FBI lab or something to crack into it. He is a bit of a genius like that.
Anyway, we keep on with what I think is otherwise a perfect life. Not knowing what was brewing under the surface. 2 1/2 years ago a series of unfortunate events caused us to file bankruptcy. He freaked out about what people would think but as it turned out nobody found out because we didn’t move out of our house so how would they know. Anyway, the past 2 years he has been very unsettled. He has been looking for another job and seeming restless. He also had started developing some erectile problems. He went to Dr. and they found nothing. Told him it was mental and to go seek help. (Yeah right like that would ever happen.) He was so unhappy with life in general that he needed something to change. He didn’t find a new job he wanted so he decided that we are going to stop paying on the house and move. Since the house was discharged in bankruptcy there will be no further penalty to our credit. Well I think that decision is what broke the damn gates. The reality of having to face this decision and have people find out our dirty little secret of bankruptcy is now sinking in and he is starting to have depression and anxiety.
Next item in his cross hairs…. ME AND THE KIDS. Mid April he comes to me in tears saying that he is tired of living in a physically ”unfulfilling” marriage. He doesn’t want to wake up 10 years from now regretting that he ”WASTED” another 10 years of his life so he thinks he wants to leave us.
I’m not sure what happened with me after he said this. I can only describe it as scared shitless and survival mode. Here I am.. a stay at home mom of 3 boys (ages 10, 8 and 4) that has been out of the workforce for 12 years and is financially dependent on this guy. For the next 8 days I became a porn star. I spent a few hundred dollars on sexy naughty wear and was sexing him up nearly 24 hours a day. There was not 1 thing this man had ever asked for (with the exception of me being with other people and him watching, YUCK!) that I did not give him with a smile.
Well… the last day… day 8… he pulled away after one of our romps and got very quiet. He wouldn’t make eye contact. The next morning he looked depressed and left for work with barely a glance in my direction. I felt horrible. Used. Abandoned. Discarded. Cheap. Broken. DEVASTATED. Later that day he told me we needed to stop fooling around. He needed to sort some things out in his head and all the sex was distracting him.
After a week of uncomfortable silence and agonizing over waiting for him to sort his things out without letting me be privy to what that is he at least tells me that since our last romp he hasn’t been able to get an erection and that is what he is so depressed about at the moment. Without his erections and libido, he has no identity.
The next few weeks are grueling. All this time he is not talking is leaving me time in my head to try to piece together things. Little by little I get a tid bit and tid bit. He says that he is trying to reconcile something. Either he decided to stuff something back down and continue living this lie of a life that we have (he thinks this is the honorable thing to martyr himself for the sake of the kids) or be true to who he is and go have a chance at happiness.
Bottom line is this… He is too chicken to just up and leave us. He knows he is not able to take care of himself. All this man does is goes to work and brings home a paycheck. I do ALL THE GROWN UP STUFF. He wouldn’t even know how to run a wash machine let alone handle the bills. I now realize that I am married to a selfish child. He isn’t threatening as much right now to leave because he is too scared. The problem now is this new struggle to find a new normal.
So back to my original question I asked about an hour ago, lol. This is all new to me and WTF am I supposed to be doing here? I want to have sex with my husband but he is NOT capable of having the sex I want. He wants me to do things I don’t want to do and he has TOLD me that getting me to do or say things in bed that he KNOWS I don’t want to do or say is what really gets him off. He LOVES making me do things that compromises myself. It’s the only way he get’s to feel any power in this world. Excuse me but I am sick and tired of PAYING for the sins of his parents and how they F’ed him up. He has me in some sick role as his mother that he is punishing for not loving him.
Sorry so long winded here but this is all new and I just need some help. Anyone got anything to say about all this?
Thanks for your time ~ Michelle
Oh Michelle, what a nightmare. Not to sound defeatist, but you don’t appear to have much to work with in regards to your husband. There’s got to be a happier life out there for you somewhere, I just don’t know if he’s meant to be in it 🙁 So sorry for your shituation (as we like to call it here on SOS), though, and a big welcome to the site. I’m sure there will be lots of advice and consolation coming your way from the sisters as soon as everyone wakes up and gets their coffee and logs on. Hang in there, girl. Love, Liza
After I puked up my coffee I decided to try to respond. And I did not puke up my coffee over the sexcapades. I am no prude either and I certainly don`t judge what 2 consenting adults do in their bedroom. I get the feeling you weren`t exactly consenting…
My first and best advice is to get you a therapist. You ned to talk this out with someone.
Second, stop having sex with him at all. Can you be 100% positive that he hasn`t been fooling around with others?
Demand that he get help from a CSAT.
If at all possible get him out of your house…
I am so sorry that you are in this hell. I really do feel your pain. My heart breaks every time I read about another sister being hurt. I am beginning to believe murder should be legal in some circumstances…
love,
bevIf he refuses a dr’s help as well as a therapists help you are screwed. Not that those are the answers but it’s got to be the starting point. Start job hunting and checking out places to live once you get a job. Any family nearby who can help or take you in?
There’s always more to the story than what they admit to and even more to tell once you make discoveries. Whatever’s going on that he talks about is only the part he thinks you need to know.
I’m sorry to hear your heartache. Welcome tho, you will get more info and input here than any counselor can provide.
Michelle,
First let me say… I love your style of writing. You sound incredibly strong. If not for humor, I think I’d have gone nuts by now.I’m so sorry you’re going through this. The first months after discovery are so awful. And it sounds as if you’ve had years of awfulness and sexual neglect. I had a situation similar to your mid April one. (well more than one) Their words are worse then their actions sometimes. “He” doesn’t want to live in a sexually unfulfilling marriage? (one of his own creation by the way) Where does he think you’ve been for 14 years??? I reacted EXACTLY as you did (the first time) except I jumped through sexual hoops for 65 days, not 8. (yes… I counted)
Your H definitely had all the “signs” there (as did mine.) Isn’t t unfortunate that none of us were born with psychology degrees in order to read the signs. My H’s CSAT has raised an eyebrow at me on more than one occasion. It felt condescending. As if I should have KNOWN.
My H is a senior network engineer and like you I don’t even bother to waste my time on his computer. I’d find nothing there. He is not as knowledgeable about his iphone. But even on that I don’t know what he is hiding but could tell he was hiding something. He didn’t know how to hide the fact things were being hidden. (make sense?)
As for your questions, I wish there were a book with the answers. He has no respect for your body and by allowing it, you are creating your own breeding ground where self loathing will grow.
He needs help. From a trained professional. I can’t imagine anything will ever really change unless he does. There will just continue to be erratic spurts of behavior because you are both grasping in the dark. If he refuses to go to a psychologist, you should still go see one yourself to help you sort out what you are going to do. If he doesn’t get help, nothing will change on his end and you can resign yourself to that life and accept it or YOU can do something. It sounds as if you want change it will have to come from you.
My advice is also to start getting your ducks in a row so that you CAN walk away if you choose to and so you don’t have to live in fear of suddenly finding yourself on your own. You staying with him because you feel like you HAVE to (financially) and him staying with you because he can’t take care of himself sounds like two caged animals, not a marriage.
No matter what, in my opinion, life is unstable with a SA. For that reason alone, you should do what you can do to not rely on him for anything. He simply isn’t reliable.
Hugs,
KimHow can this be defined as love–that he doesn’t get pleasure from being close and pleasing you, but rather by coercing you to do things against your…everything?
I can only imagine how it felt, after a while, standing there in pantyhose while he spanked the monkey, knowing you were being objectified and that your own needs were NEVER considered.
God help us.
Thank you all for your input and support!
As for being sure that he hasn’t been with someone else? I can’t be sure. I will say that up until recently I don’t think that was something that was in play for him. He truly seemed up until this point to have everything be cyber as it was easier to control. He has easy free unlimited access that would be easy to hide from me. I am, however, smelling the winds of change. I can sense that things are escalating. Even the look in his eyes has changed. If I were a hyper religious person I would say he almost becomes possessed. It’s REALLY creepy. His job has him working crazy hours sometimes. Now I constantly have it in my head that… yeah right, that “thing” at work that you “claim” made you not get home until 1 a.m. ??? I’m thinking that you probably got done by 8 p.m. and then went off to service your new found escalated addiction. So there I lay in bed ALONE trying my best to SHUT OFF all the thoughts that just won’t stop BECAUSE SOMEBODY.. (that would be me).. has to get up in the morning and and bring sunshine and smiles to my sweet innocent children who don’t deserve this F’ed up situation.
I have always considered myself a strong person but I have to say…. I’m just barely into this and the weight is just crushing me. I did make an appointment with a councilor but I’m not sure weather she is equipped to handle this specific problem. I go again tomorrow. I figure I’ll see if she thinks she’s up for the job. H REFUSES ANY counseling whatsoever.
I am blessed with an awesome supportive family. I have 3 different options of people that would take in myself and my kids so I feel safe in that respect as a safety net though I would rather find my own way. As of right now we are still in the house that we stopped paying on. My guess is that once the free ride clock runs out here at this address (6-9 months from now) is when the REAL decisions will be made. Do we move together as a family or apart. Part of me wants to put his balls in the vice and tell him to start getting help NOW or when moving day comes he will have to find his own way in his new life alone. Then the cautious part of me rings in and says WHOA NELLY, hold the phone…. if you start making aggressive demands upon him he may freak out and do something financially irrational. Right now I have control over the money and I NEED to keep it that way for awhile until like Kim said above .. I get my ducks in a row.
I know I should be shutting him down totally in the bedroom but I’m having a hard time navigating that. I also feel, like the above comment of getting my ducks in a row, if I withhold sex from him totally that may cause him to flake out and shut me out of the money as well. BAAAHHHHH!!! I’m SO FUCKED right now no matter what I do… LITERALLY!! I’m sorry. I just feel like screaming and punching things. Preferably his face! 🙂
Anyway, once again. Thank you for being here and sharing yourselves with me. My family is wonderful but until you are living with it you can’t imagine it’s true impact.
Michelle
Get an attorney. I got one before I confronted dipshit. He did not charge me a dime and told me I could pay him later. You need legal advice.
Oh Michelle–I wish I could hug you! Sooooo much of your story mirrors my own. Like you and Ksondy, my husband is a computer genius (software engineer) and he was able to hide alot from me. I can relate to the sex dwindling, then becoming nastier, then dwindling more as I became more disheartened by the combo of his cyber/phone sex activities and erectile dysfunction. Circus tricks get very old after a while, when what you really want is love and connection.
Self esteem–destroyed!(even though I was in denial about that for quite a long time–still seeing myself as a strong women even as I was tolerating some serious emotional abuse, I failed to see that I WAS being victimized)
I also experienced the pain of what Ksondy expressed as ““He” doesn’t want to live in a sexually unfulfilling marriage? (one of his own creation by the way)” My husband ended up going on a feeding frenzy over a four week trial separation for us to figure things out. Instead of working on our marriage he filled a viagra prescription and F*&!@ed 6 strangers (unprotected I might add…)because he needed to “see if my dick still works!” (his words)
The level of selfishness of these guys is unfathomable–yet most of us spend an inordinate amount of time trying to fathom it!
One thing for sure, when the going gets tough, these wimps get gone. Whether figuratively or literally–we are on our own to do the heavy lifting.
The good and bad news about your bankruptcy is that more than ever, you dont have much to lose. if he has an income he is going to have to pay spousal support and child support. The illusion of him being anyone you can depend upon must be at an all time low. He is a liability, not an asset. As cold as it may sound for me to say that, I am offering it to you to consider….Change is scary–but you said yourself, the winds of change are blowing, and sister, it can get much worse, and sadly it usually does. If you have a place to go, I encourage you to go. Dont second guess yourself and dont look back. I know, much easier said then done. I dragged mine out til the bitter end. It took a huge toll on me. Especially if he isnt interested in getting help–you have little to lose and much to gain. The things I feared most when contemplating leaving–none of them have any weight or reality now. What are your worst fears? Are they worse than the reality you are currently living in?
Hugs and love to you! Cheering you on, in whatever you do! ~BonniePlease get some space from him so you can think about what you need and want. Wishing you the strength and love you will need to see through this situation.
I know from my own experience that unless he really admits he has a problem there is nothing you can do – except take care of yourself.
My husband is a computer expert as well but they all get lazy. However, it doesnt sound like you even need to investigate much more – there is definitely a lot going on.
Read, read, read, the stories and advice on this site. Get some space – even if it is for a weekend alone…take time for you.
Good luck – we will be thinking about you
Thanks again ladies.
Bonnie~ Wow! 6 strangers!! I fear the feeding frenzy. Just before all this news broke in my life H got a scrip for Cialis. The thing that makes me even sicker is this…. When it actually came to being with a woman and touching her (me specific) he was a bumbling fool that didn’t take direction very well. Suddenly he has his prescription and is all sorts of interested in “including” me and my pleasure in the sexual act. I felt as though he was taking a class and I was the teacher on how to please and touch a woman. Looking back and knowing what I know now it makes me want to vomit because I’m pretty sure that is exactly what was going on. He didn’t have the confidence to hop into a non virtual sexual experience with a real live woman so I feel that he was using me to practice and pump him up for the game, so to speak. Not sure if the “game is on” yet but I’m sure it’s just a matter of time now.
Also, as one on this board might not be too shocked to hear. He blames ME for his erectile disfunction. He says that I imasculate him by doing to much and not needing sex the way he needs sex. WHATEVER!!
As a side note…. What is up with all the computer gurus?? Do they go into computers because of their addictions or does it have something to do with their wiring? Hmmm????? One things for sure. If I ever do get involved with someone again I want them to be technically inept. 🙂
Much Love to you all ~ Michelle
That would be my h Michelle….Computer doofus deluxe… I tracked his ass via eblaster with screen shots and a gps device installed on his veh. And he thought deleting computer history from the browser made him so slick!
If I could tell you what my h does for a living you’d laugh your ass off….
Tell him you won’t leave him or air his pantyhose fetish out for all to see IF he goes in for SA Treatment. Now you have documentation for your divorce that he is an SA. While he’s gone, hire a Computer PI to find the porn he’s hiding on your computers. Now you have more documentation. Talk to a few attorneys and begin strengthening your position. Document his disclosure. Have him put it in writing and sign it. You have more power and more choices than you think. If he wanted to leave, if he could leave, he would leave. Once you have his SA documented, divorce his ass. That’s the fastest way to “help” an addict hit bottom. Then focus on you and your kids. IF he’s serious about sobriety, you’ll see it and you’ll feel it. If he’s sexually sober for 2 years and you want him back in your life, marry him with a pre-nup…and NEVER play his panthose game EVER again. Hold onto your dignity. The only way to get out of a room with a Liar is with a lie. Don’t play your hand openly, he’s using that to manipulate you. You are in the right place. Listen to these women and reclaim your iwn gut. Go with your gut. Always. You have a good gut!
Awesome post Helen Reddy! Sage advice – “The only way to get out of a room with a Liar is with a lie.”
Sorry about all the typos! I’m on a tiny mobile screen! 🙂 Most of all keep repeating: I didn’t cause this. I can’t control this. I can’t cure this. I deserve better than this!
A lot of us live in fear.
Financial fear.
Fear of the effect on the children.
Fear we’re walking away “too soon”
Fear that he WILL change… for someone else.
Fear that this will all happen again… and again.
Fear that there is so much more we don’t know.
Fear that if we don’t cater to their sexual demands, they will seek it somewhere else.
Fear of ever trusting them again.
Fear of what will happen if we set a boundary.I used to feel like I was wrapped up all warm and cozy in this wonderful life with beautiful children, an adoring husband and perfect family. I literally went to bed every night with a smile on my face thanking God for my life.
Now it’s a cocoon of fear that wraps itself around me and if I don’t keep a handle on it I’m afraid it’ll smother me. (yet another fear!)
It sounds like fear is shaping your life decisions. Take the time before foreclosure and list all of your fears. Start categorizing them into “irrational”, etc. Figure out the ones you can do something about and grab control of the reigns.
I have been through a lot of shit in my life. And I’ve persevered. I think one of my first posts ever here said that THIS was the thing that finally brought me to my knees. Slowly picking away at the fears and understanding them and rationalizing them has helped a great deal in picking myself back up again. Along with the help of the ladies on this site.
Hugs,
KimI’m with you Kim. Of all the things I’ve ever been through, this has been the most catastrophic to me, emotionally AND physically.
I’d like to add, or second, getting everything from the computer history (even if you have to get a computer forensics person involved). These guys get so gross as they escalate, there’s bound to be some illegal porn–or–if not that–something humiliating enough to put you large and in charge.
What if you had him put on the pantyhose and you pleasured yourself would he get the gist of what he’s doing?
Gosh we have lived some strange shit.
I think if we have had enough, then it’s time to get out with or without a lie. Just get a lawyer and do what you can.
No one can live like this and stay sane. Life is full of such beauty and possibility. What are we doing living in this shit?
Helen,,the ladies had given great advice, I agree with Kim look a little closer into the fears that you have and you will be able to overcome a lot of them,,,
and yes life is too short for handling all this, and it seems you are great mother so leave this guy to his sickness and focus on you and your beautiful children, there is a lot waiting for you way beyond the pantyhose,,,love and light to you and to your beautiful children
Mush,
I know exactly where you are right now. Last Feb., I was in the same spot. My SAH threw me under the bus – told me that he wanted a divorce out of the blue (threw a divorce attorney card in my face). It was such a shock that I threw up. I had NO idea what was going on. We had been married for 23 years with four kids (10, 10, 10 and 12).
Turns out that he was in the middle of a huge binge. Sounds like your husband is in the middle of one. I would place a bet that he has some pantyhose mamma in tow (mine had a granny 25 years his senior in tow and another one on the side). He looked like he was having a nervous breakdown. I have never seen him so messed up in the 30 years I’ve known him. My therapist at the time strongly advised me to change the locks – move out – anything….but I didn’t because I somehow thought I had something to do with it and if I only did x,y, z – he would wake up. Like yours, my SAH was blaming me – and telling me that I wasn’t fulfilling him. Like you – I pulled out all the stops and he gladly watched me. One night after what I thought was a passionate romp – he said “well – no strings attached”. Sick, sick, sick. I had NO idea what was going on. I can’t believe that I stayed in harms way – but I didn’t know what was going on. Then I was diagnosed with breast cancer and he continued his binge.
In hindsight – he admits that he was out of control, in a trance, and was a complete ass to me. Like your SAH, he has a fetish (older women that look like his mom). Usually they also have intense rage for their mom that they transfer to their wives. Until you husband admits that he has a childhood trauma and works on it seriously – then you and your kids will continue to be in harms way. My SAH completely screwed with our kid’s, too….telling them one day that we were getting divorced – and telling them the next day that we weren’t – and saying he was staying with a “church friend” when he was doing his trolling. I regret putting our kids through the rollercoaster – makes me want to cry and kick myself. He said that he tried to break away from the granny – but he couldn’t. So much damage was done.
Please get yourself out of harms way. There is nothing good that will come out of this. He needs to get out of his addictive state and get help.
If I lived near you – I’d come over and move you out. I’m so sure of what I’m saying….as I lived it.
And yes, my SAH is in software sales – not technical, but in the field, nonetheless. Weird.
Please take care of yourself and your kids.
Deb
I think since the computer guru’s spend so much time on a computer that it gives them a lot of time to us it as a resource.
Okay so here we go again……
Recent behavior. Last week he left for work every morning by 7 a.m. Claimed he had big network project that had a deadline and had to work late EVERY DAY. Got home anywhere between 9 p.m. and midnight. Needless to say there was no sex being sought by him during the week. I totally expected to be chased after over the weekend. DIDN’T happen. Hmmmm… I thought to myself, he must of had such a week of doing “WHATEVER” that he is either too spent or too guilty and can’t get it up. Either way I guess the good news was I didn’t have to navigate myself for that.
Monday night I surprise him when he walks in the door and tell him I’m on my way out to go to a movie with my brother. What can he say? I’ve been tethered to the house with 3 kids for the past 3 months while he has been “working” (more like binging). The next morning he is all over me like none other. I know that was a direct result of his insecurity. He has no problem with me toting the kids around to do things because there is no threat that I’m able to have much of a life that way but “Holy Shit! She dare not go out by herself and do something! That’s not allowed!”
The past 2 nights he has been home at a reasonable time. The past 2 nights he has also brought beer home to drink in the evening. MY H DOESN’T DRINK, other than social events and such. So I am to now think that he needs to be buzzed in order to make it through a normal night with his wife and kids?
Anyway, last night I told him he had to be home NO later than 7 p.m. tonight. My parents are taking my boys for the afternoon/evening for a swimming party with their cousins. I have (in attempts to reconnect with ME and my original self that has been lost in his sickness) gotten in touch with one of my old best girlfriends and we are meeting for dinner tonight. This obviously posses a HUGE threat to him. ME? Going out with one of my old SINGLE girlfriends? Anyway, now sure as shit the man who HAS to work 15 hours a day all the time now decides today that he is working from home all day. AND, you bet your sweet patoot that his funky butt was all trying to get up in my business this morning. I shut him down but I know I will have to pay for that somehow. I feel like every time I don’t participate with him that he will go and act out in a worse way as punishment to me for not complying. I hate feeling like a hostage.
Once again it keeps coming back to the kids thing. I feel like I have to keep up the front for as long as I can until I have my ducks in a row. An then there are all the confusing times when we are just acting “normal” for a moment and I think back to my seemingly perfect life before April and I think…. Maybe we could just get to a point of “faking” it well enough to be tolerable. DELUSIONAL! I know but it’s hard not to want to buy into the delusion.
Anyway, sorry for the ramble but this just happened and I had to purge. I don’t know what I will do with myself with him hanging around here all day. Hoping to leave to take the kids to my parents around 1 and hoping to not be back home until bedtime. My fear (theres that fear that Kim speaks of 🙂 ) is that since he knows the kids and I will be gone this evening that he will do something horrible to pay me back for turning him down this morning, like bringing a hooker or some other type of whore into our home.
Why do I have to live thinking about these things??????
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