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I want to be participating more in this group. Believe me I need it bad. I just have this nagging feeling that somehow I’m being monitored and I don’t know what to do about it.
I’m afraid to post most of anything because I constantly feel like he is some how seeing it.
Up til this point I feel confident that his activity has been cyber only but like I said I feel things are escalating. Sunday morning (this is horrible I know) before taking the kids to church (H would never set foot in a church) I for the first time looked on Craigs List just to see what exactly goes on there. I found an add that sounded exactly like my H could have written that was posted @ 1 a.m. Sounded like his writing, described himself, are area, married looking for married neglected woman for online/cyber relationship that could possible lead to something else. I didn’t have time to look further into it and wasn’t sure if I replied if it would show my email address or how that worked. Decided to email it to myself to check on it later that day. While I was at church with the kids H was home alone on the computer (as usual, yuck) When I went to pull up the post it said that post had been removed. I just find it strange that it was posted when I know he was online, sounded like his description and an add he would place and like magic they take it down within the 2 hour window of time I am gone.
Like I said… I feel crazy and paranoid. I am a prisoner in my own home. As I’m typing this I feel like somehow he will be seeing it. I am going to lose my ever loving mind.
There is so much I want to share and ask about here but feel like I can’t. Please God Help Me Before Totally Break!!!!!!
Perhaps JoAnn can help you with this? She is very tech saavy and probably knows all the ways he might hack you OR how you can prevent that? Your own laptop or netbook, phone whatever might be one way…I don’t know. 🙁
Dearest mushlrc,
Do you think he is monitoring the computer? If he is, then yes, he can see everything that you write.
If that is not a possibility, then no, this site is completely secure and no one, unless they are a paid member, can access anything.
I am so sorry that you feel so threatened. What a horrible way to live.
Let me know why you think he is able to see what you are doing. Don’t post anything else, just share your concerns about that and we will help you work through it.
With love ~ JoAnn
The geek squad at best buy can look at your computer to see if there is spyware and then they can remove it. ( I think )
hi, also, just an fyi that if your computer doesn’t have spyware on it, you still want to be mindful if you are sharing a computer. some tips: you can create a separate log in from his, so you have private access, that would be password protected. you could also use “private browsing” depending on which browser you are using. Safari allows private browsing, and Firefox or Chrome (both free by download) have a private browsing/incognito feature. i’m not an expert on this stuff, but i can send you some links and info if you let me know what kind of computer and browser you are using to get online.
also, you can generally go through and delete your history in the browser, delete cookies and the cache.
You can also download Spybot for free which is great at detecting that type of stuff. You may want to also try looking at your internet history (make sure you know what site you visited last before you log off).
Another thing I would reccomend is delete all your internet history when you leave your computer (Internet Options Delete History) delete all your emails and then delete them from the deleted folder…or download CC Cleaner (also free) and it will do that for you.
I had thoughts that if my husband was really paranoid he might try to join the site as a fake sister…but I dont think he would stoop that low…
It sounds like things are really tough for you right now…we are here…you can get through this…
hey, also, just want to make sure that you are safe. are you worried about your husband physically harming you or retaliating in a violent way?
Thank you ladies.
I don’t fear H being violent. He is calculating and manipulative and withdrawing and acting out would be more his style. He is a computer genius though and he has tried his best to keep me tech retarded. (Now I know why) When I ask him for help with something he NEVER lets me know how or what he did. Keeps him in control of the tech in the house.
I do have my own laptop. It’s an Apple Macbook Air. I delete my history several times a day. I make sure when I leave this sight that I Log Off just in case it recognized my computer and keeps me logged in. Part of the problem is that my computer has been and is accessible to him most of the time. (i.e. when I’m at the grocery store or taking my walk etc. ) The other day I knew he was going to be home for 6 hours alone. I took my computer with me. I have no idea how to check for spyware. He set up this laptop for me so I’m not even sure I know the administrator password to make changes. If I did figure that out I’m not sure I would know what to do once I got in there to set it up for a password. His computer in his office is this Huge multi screen set up (better for viewing all his nastiness up close I suppose) that is so password protected that I know I could never break in.
The other concern is that I’m afraid of rocking the boat and causing waves right now. I’m afraid, lets say, that I figure out how this whole password protect thing works on my laptop. As of this moment I’ve been able to play the card that my life is an open book and I’m not the one hiding or living a secret life. If he discovers that I’m starting to hide things from him that he might start to escalate his behavior or actions in retaliation or spite. My H refuses to get any help. He said he likes what he does and doesn’t need help. He also doesn’t have ANYONE that he is talking to or confiding in. TOTAL LONER! I think that his totally would snoop on me to try to see where I’m at and what I’m thinking. God knows he couldn’t just ask me because that would mean he would have to participate in a conversation. Right now we are living in a world where he “works” 12-18 hour days and our conversation????? Well lets just say I’ve have more in depth meaningful conversations with the bag boy at the grocery store recently that I get from him.
This all really sucks. Besides the in my face BS of having a SAH, I am usually a take charge decision making kind of girl. I have never in my life felt to lost, confused and afraid to make decisions. It’s like I don’t even trust my own self anymore to make the right decisions. (I chose him as a mate… there must be a problem with my decision making skills) Instead I sit here floundering in indecisions.
Thanks again for all your help
~Michelle~ 🙂Hi Michelle,
It’s really hard to read your story and feel your sense of growing fear and powerlessness. I’m not a tech queen at all but here’s what I was thinking:
Is it possible for you to take your computer to a tech and have it examined for spyware things?
Also, when critical updates come for your operating system, often it needs the password in order for them to be installed. Before the next update comes, ask for the password so you don’t have to wait for him to get things updated.Tech stuff aside, do you know that one of the indicators of PTSD is just this kind of dynamic—hypervigilance that has shades of paranoia? For about two or three months, at the beginning of finding out about my ex husband, I never slept at night because I had it in my head he would try and kill me when I was asleep. It is important for you to get your own therapist to treat the PTSD, and help you to recover. That may be part of this, but not necessarily the whole thing, because controlling the wife is also one the things these guys like to do. And this may just be a more technically sophisticated way of “gaslighting” you—-making you think you are crazy and it’s all your fault. That’s why a good traum therapist might help you feel you are losing it.
Sending you some good thoughts today,
D.Since my family member busted her husband on CL, I’ve learned some things. If you can get his phone, create an acct and and put in your email as you set up the acct (CL doesn’t show yours, they assign their own to the acct but for login purposes you will need to give an email that you can access. At the end, it asks for a number to verify the acct. have it send a text to the phone. If it doesn’t accept the phone it’s bc someone’s already using it for a CL acct. if it goes thru then close the acct. not sure if making an ad is part of the setup but it can probably be deleted if afterwards.
I can’t get access to his phone. For one it’s hardly ever out of his site. Then there is the little thing that he has some crazy lock pattern sequence that you have to do to get into the phone. I have tried to on the sly pay attention to the order he does things but haven’t been able to replicate it as of yet. (Not that I’m gong to quit trying 😉 ) I wanted so badly to reply to the CL add just to fish. No such luck as it was removed by the time I got home. So just to be clear…. are you saying that if I DID reply to an add that I suspected could be him that it would NOT show MY email address to him? That was my big hesitation and why I didn’t respond the post right away.
Thanks again for sharing this info. I did manage to find someone that says they should be able to help me find out if there is any spyware on my computer as well as changing my administrator password. I’m hoping to get that done by the weekend. This isolation is KILLING me. 🙁
Much Love to you all!!
Michelle – I remember in the early days, my husband wouldn’t give me his phone password. March said “that’s BS” – and she was right. I was so afraid to ask for it because he was saying that I should trust him. Guess what? We were working hard on our marriage – and he was texting a former “sext” buddy several times a day. He swears it was mundane stuff (no sexting) but it just showed me to NEVER trust them….no matter what. I put E-Blaster on his phone at night when he was sleeping and it put my mind at ease as I could see every text, every phone call and every email. I have to put it back on as his phone “crashed” but I’m usually too worn out by the end of the day to do it. But I am tonight. My therapist has encouraged me to do so.
So – screw it. Do it. Tell him that you need all his passwords and access to his computer and his phone given his past behavior. What do you have to lose? (besides your sanity).
I have to go read your story to see the gory details….I’m so sorry that you feel isolated. Feel free to give me a call if you want to talk 415-990-7571.
Deb
I just called the phone co. and had all features disabled. No texting, no on-line chat, no internet access, no movies, etc.
If he doesn’t like it tell him to shove it up his ass. If he really wants to do something, however, he can just go to Wal-Mart and buy a throw away.
I have learned if they really want to get away with something, they find a way to do it. ie: If they suspect E-Blaster is on the computer, all they have to do is buy an external hard drive and download or go to internet on that one. You would never know. And of course there are a couple of other ways to get around it too.
Bottom line is past behavior is a predictor of future behavior. All this checking is sometimes futile. The only way any of us can ever know if an SA is sincere is how they began to treat us – respectful and loving. PA behavior, rage, lieing goes away. The addiction keeps them zombies in that department. From my own experience, I spent way too much time and energy trying to catch him. I could have better spent that energy on healing myself. We have to get the mindset that no matter how much checking we do, will probably not know everything. Whatever we have caught them doing should be enough for us to know whether to go or stay.
Checking for divorce purposes is a different ballgame, and a necessity.
Just my opinion.Thanks Deb. I really appreciate the support. I may just take you up on that phone call one day.
I’m afraid I’m not in a good position to ask yet for his passcode. Right now he is just as new to the fact that I know as I am to knowing. I feel like right now he is fighting for his life to save his addiction rather than his family.
He refuses to go to counceling. The first few weeks he had me dangling out there waiting for him to decide my fate. What he really wanted to was to leave me and the kids and go off to be alone with his addiction. Of course he doesn’t see it as a problem or that what he does is wrong. He is just thinking that he has been lying to himself that living this normal hard working devoted husband loving father role was who he was. He said that if I loved him that I should want him to be happy so I should let him go and be who he is. He thinks that he needs to live out his passion/fantasy life of being free to do whatever the hell he wants to sexually and not feel guilty about it. The past few years he has been having erectile issues and he blames me for that. It’s my fault because I emasculate him by being so self sufficient and not chasing him begging and pleading with him to ravage me. This in turn (he says) causes him to seek out all this erotic cyber stuff which in turn causes him guilt that subsequently caused his ED.
He has since backed down some on the part of him leaving. I think the only reason for that is he came to realize exactly how much work that would be for him. He would not do well living on his own. Unless he finds another woman that would be willing to take him in and take care of him I think he is too afraid to walk. (for the moment anyway) The only way I see him budging on getting any help or stopping the denial is if I leave him and even then I don’t have much faith.
My life has all been an illusion. I know you all know what I’m talking about. God help us all {{HUGS}}
Oh my gosh…..I heard all that same crap (I’m a grown man and if I want to look at porn I can) until my 8 mos of eblaster thrown at him with pics told a different story that it was way more often than he claimed.
Michelle,
They are very good at the blame game. Then they don’t have to feel shame. They LOVE to find a scapegoat…… I did the same thing as you. Took on all the blame (when I thought it was just an affair) – became a sex kitten, the lingerie, lost 35 pounds – you name it. Makes me want to barf. He said he used me as his rationalization all the time. Reduced his guilt and shame. Yuck. If it’s all our fault, then they MUST walk. Your SAH is just scratching the surface on what games he will play. After my 3rd disclosure, I got wise to the “blame” game and realized that this had NOTHING to do with me. Then came the minimization (it was only 3 years of hookers not 5 years), the gas lighting (you are mentally unstable and making a mountain out of a molehill), emotional abuse (trying to find the evidence I found and deleting it, trying to terrorize me, refusing to do anything on my safety list), the lying, and the denial (my sponsor said I’m not an SA so I’m not going to meetings anymore).
I wouldn’t recommend sticking around for this – and you husband is going down that path of denial. He may come out of it, but if you stick around to watch it – you will be driven batshit. Can you take the kids to a relatives house while he “figures it out”? I know you are scared for you marriage (I was terrified) but this is out of your control. You and the kids WILL get hurt. Get his passwords before you leave though – and get E-Blaster on there. At least then you will know what he’s up to when you are out of there and will know for sure what mama is modeling pantyhose. I would bet a lot of $$ that there is someone else that is helping him get it up.
Your husband’s binge reads just like mine’s – and I just wish I would have gotten out of the way of the tsunami.
Feel free to call me anytime. I know how rough this ride is…..
Deb
Sharon~ I have been back and forth and tend to agree that it doesn’t matter what he is doing cuz none of it’s good for sure. I would like to have something documented for when the shit hits the fan though.
Deb~ Can I just say that I LOVE the fact that you used the term BATSHIT! LOL! It’s too funny because when I’m having a particularly awful time of it around here I text my sister that I’m going Batshit Crazy and she totally knows what I’m referring to. 🙂
On a serious note though…. I am logically aware of the gravity of my situation. My 3 young boys are my priority. I don’t know if you caught any of the part of my story when I mentioned that he decided to let our home go into foreclosure. I think this was the beginning of his midlife crisis that led to disclosure. He wanted to ditch the house the wife the kids and be a free man. Well, I’m a stay at home mom. Out of the work force for 12 years now. My oldest son has Aspberger’s. I do have family that will take myself and the boys in. I am in a spot right now where I feel that I need to take advantage of the next few months and get my poop in a group. Right now I’m in survival mode. Trying to keep the waters as calm as I can so that I CAN see the horizon.
BTW~I would bet $$ he has some sort of regular pantyhose momma as well. He’s barely been home for the past few months since all this broke. I’m wondering if she is somehow not available for the holiday week here. He has come home like a STARVED LION the past 2 days. All sorts of salivating and pawing all over me. Other times he barely notices I’m here. Hmmmm… It makes me sick and I’m still not sure what the appropriate response is when he is like this. Unfortunately most of the time I give in just to keep the peace. Yesterday he called me when he was leaving work @ 8:20 p.m. It should take him no more that 30 min to get home. He showed up @ 9:40 p.m. and was all sorts of horny and all over me. My best guess is that he got a call on the way home from his Pantyhose Whore Bag and that he pulled over to take the call and have some fun. He didn’t even TRY to make an excuse as to why it took him so long to get home. I tell ya….. If I didn’t have kids to consider I would beat his F’ing ass and be out of here. Alas, I have to try to navigate this differently.
Thanks for sharing. Hearing everyones stories is awakening and sobering for me. It’s easy to want to stick your head in the sand and NOT deal with it.
Much Love to All
~Michelle~Michelle–your situation is so simiar to mine. Cyber sex, ED basic assholeness! 🙂 Anyway, I am now single (noone looking over my shoulder) and happy to help…If you see another ad like that I can reply to it and try to help figure out if it is your husband. One thing I discovered from my hubby though is that they can get a fake phone number (google voice) that they can use for texting etc. and it can forward to their phone, so it is really hard to catch them. The other thing my husband did was to use fake pictures too. He sunk so low that he used an old coworkers picture–used to send women to the colleagues website to check “him” out. And the worst was that the guy was married. I told him if I ever caught him doing that again Id out him–what if it caused problems in the other guys marriage and some looney called him instead? Anyway, Im sorry you are going through all of this. Hope it helps to know you are not alone. xoxo
Thank you Bonnie!! 🙂 I think that’s an awesome idea. It would have been so helpful. You know that program… To Catch A Predator?? Well ours would be… To Catch An Asshole, lol 😉
Michelle,
I spent a lot of time investigating my husband over the past 12 years. I confronted him, he lied, he minimized, he did everything he could to tell me I was crazy for a long time. He said crap like, “fine, I ‘ll just leave” or “just leave me then” – manipulative shit that always made me angry and backed into a corner.
I always wanted to beleive, or just couldnt deal with things he was doing – we lost our house, we claimed bankruptcy, I had two young babies with disabilities, I lost my company, etc. there was never a time where I felt strong enough. Mind you – I am seen by everyone that knows me as strong, capable, direct, and pretty level-headed – definitely not a woman who is easily manipulated.This past March I finally got my strength. a text came through from a woman professing her love for my husband, at the same time I happend to pick up his phone and ask him if I could make a quick call…..I then started a month of obsessive investigation – from checking his wallet for receipts, to getting him drunk and having sex with him so he would pass out and I could steal his phone, to searching his car when he was in the shower, to giving him my ipad and turning on GPS, etc. Crazy stuff…for a month – got all my evidence (although of course I didnt need any of it) – and finally on April 27 I confronted my husband.
He finally admitted he had a serious problem. But I realized that he had to hit rock bottom in order to do anything about it.
Now that we are talking I realized what it is really like when someone is in the height of their addiction (if you beleive it is an addiction) or crap (if you just beleive they are assholes).
They wont change their behavior until you change your reaction to their behavior. Do something different – make a decison for yourself regardless if he can rise to the challenge.
Just realize you are not alone and there are tons of women in your shoes…you can get through this….and you are strong!
Thank you for the words or encouragement. I sit here reading them, alone, in bed. He is in his office down the hall “playing a video game” 😉 Sure…… He’ll be in shortly (he says 30 minutes ago) Before I know it, it will be 2:30 a.m. and he will slink into the bedroom and ever so quietly slip into bed. He is just waiting for me to turn off the lights and shut the door so his party can begin. (He knows I have to have the door shut to sleep because the cats bother me at night and I have to shut them out) Oh well… just another day in the live of a SA’s wife I suppose.
XOXO to all ~Michelle~
Michelle, I’m so sad to think of your beautiful self lying all alone, trying to figure out how you can keep your children and lose him without losing everything.
I just know that it’s going to tough, but that you have it in you. He’s beaten you up emotional and psychologically, but you are stronger than he knows, and stronger that you believe. When the time comes, you will know what to do.
I have great confidence in you. When the time comes, you will know what to do. Trust yourself. We do.extra love for tonight
Diane.Michelle
I’m sorry you are going thru this crap! It sucks. The way ur h treats you sounds VERY familiar. Try to get it into your head as quickly as possible that HE is the broken one…not you. This stuff is not the typical marriage issues. This isnt just an affair.My h is a Craig’s list fiend. Initially, the lingo they use freaked me out but then my mind went numb! 🙂 I didnt know what half of it meant so I googled it.
When u respond to Craig’s list ad the person who originally posted the ad sees your email address. All you need to do is create a new email address and respond with it. Your new email address will come in handy if you want to try and find him on adult friend finder, hot match, sls, etc. After the initial shock it’s kind of satisfying to respond to their ads, profiles, etc. maybe because it is black & white proof that he is a freak and that I’m the “normal” one.
Keep your babies safe!
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