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He says that I am ‘unwilling to see how he cares about me.’ The last year since discovery has been absolutely surreal. And him saying things like this just adds to it. I feel like I am going crazy. What if he’s right? Can he be right? If he’s right, and he’s showing me that he cares about me, but I’m feeling horrible, what does that mean? Am I expecting too much? I’ve asked him to go to the Minwalla intensive in August that Deb mentioned, which is for SA’s to learn about the effect all this has had on the partners. I know inside what I need from him..mainly empathy.. but what if he is empathizing and I just can’t see it? In that video that JoAnn posted a while back about personality disorders, the therapist said, ‘If you think you’re going crazy, chances are you’re dealing with someone with a personality disorder.’ But maybe I’m just going crazy, period. Or it’s me who has the personality disorder. I went a month without speaking to him, and then blew it a few days ago by calling him. And I feel that the very small amount of progress I’d been making has been blown to smithereens now. I’m just full of self-doubts and feel like I don’t know what reality is. Thanks for letting me ramble. Love you all. xoxo
Ramble on. It may give you clarity. Do you really feel he is right? Remember that they are liars, manipulators and need control. Remember that. You have been programmed to see and hear want he wants you to see and hear because he needs to protect his addiction. That is his motivation. What is your motivation? Who is the trustworthy one? This is a two step forward one step back process. You will move forward again. You will be fine.
Annie
Did you ask him how he has tried to show you how much he cares?
What was his response about the minwalla workshop?
You are not crazy….traumatized but not crazy.
Deb
I know I have to keep reminding myself of just how awesome of a liar and manipulator my SAH is/has been. Regardless of if he could change I have to also keep asking myself if I can live the rest of my life constantly being on guard micro looking at all his actions and words to find what is truth and what is lie. It sounds completely exhausting to me . I don’t think that is something that I can commit to til death do us part. I know I’m not crazy now but if I chose to live the rest of my life like that I’m sure I will be.
{{HUGS}}
~Michlle~He does not get to decide how willing or unwilling you are to see “how he cares about you”
You are not crazy. I haven`t heard a whole lot about how great he is being. If he is being caring towards you, then good. Is it enough? That`s your call not his!!
Did you fuck hookers?
Hi Annie,
I agree, you are not crazy and your h may or may not be sincere, I guess only you can decide what you can and cannot live with. I do know you’re a really sweet person with a GREAT sense of humor and I’m sure other wonderful qualities. Do you have a plan Annie for you own life, regardless of your h? Do you trust your h? Are you moving and growing yourself or are you stuck thinking about him most of the time? Only answer these questions if you are comfortable. I’m just trying to understand more.Love, Nap
I am absolutely sure you have been more than fair in assessing his behaviour.
This is part of what they do. It’s never their fault. It’s always you. You are the first ready target.
You know perfectly well that if he had done anything that was true, consistent and genuinely different over any period of time, you would have been jumping for joy and shouting it from the rooftops.
You are not crazy. He has a personality disorder. And he’s determined that you will not step out of the scapegoat position. It’s inconvenient for him. And he’s not getting help because he genuinely believes it’s not all his fault. It’s yours. It has to be. Because that’s what you’re there for.Unless you have another reasons to exist. I’m hoping you do.
We think you are worth way more than that.
Nap asks good questions. What are you doing for YOU? How are you enriching your own life? The only crazy thing about any of us is that we let them get to us. He still has the ability to turn this back on you. Don’t bite. Stop it. We’ve said it here before: Sometimes it’s easier to believe what they say because it gives us the excuse we need to stick around–to stay stuck and take no risks. ‘Their way’ does not lead to a happy place for us; they’re all about the status quo. Are you happy right now? Because right now IS the status quo!
Thanks, everybody. I guess it’s sort of telling that I blew the ‘no contact’ thing the week my therapist was away. She must be helping ground me somehow. It’s just hard to break a lifelong habit of defaulting to ‘I must be wrong.’ I blame Catholic school. 🙂 I really envy so many of you who don’t do that kind of thing. I keep trying to tell myself that the bottom line is that I feel absolutely shitty when I talk to him. But then this nagging voice says, ‘You don’t even feel in your gut that he’s cheated on you in a year, so what’s your problem?’ Geez.. looking at that last sentence, it sounds like my expectations are pretty damn pathetic, huh?
Deb, he says he’s going to do the Minwalla workshop. At first he said that it seemed weird because it involved some sort of kundalini yoga thing. Which it turns out that’s only for a 14 day thing, and not the one day thing I want him to go to. And he already knew that when he told me that. And the irony is that this is a guy who got seriously into yoga, and is into Zen Buddhism. So what’s up with the balking at kundalini yoga?
I know you guys are right about needing to think about what I want for my life. It just seems so exhausting right now. All I seem to want is sleep and sitting quietly. And I know I should see a doctor, because I just don’t physically feel all that well, but so much of that is my own doing, because I’ve been smoking like a chimney. But I’m afraid of doctors so I’ve got myself a bit stuck. I think I need to go back to the baby steps again. Maybe take a walk today. Buy some flowers at the nursery. And just make a concerted effort to put all this out of my muddled mind for a while and focus on normal things.
Much love and gratitude to all of you. xoxotesting comment delete. Don’t pay any attention to me. ~ JoAnn
Are you on depression meds? This sounds like a really bad cycle you’re in and one you’ve GOT to try getting out of.
Dear Annie,
I think your idea to just focus on normal,simple things is a good one.If your H will go the trauma workshop great. If you could go to the partners one…even better.Beyond that….let some of it go. You are experiencing alot of changes with him being away and you trying to limit contact. It is all very anxiety producing. If you feel exhausted and physically unwell…you may just be stressed right out. Your h isn’t pushing for much of anything it seems…neither divorce or reunion…so you have time to just be and try to take care of yourself in small ways. If that is all you can manage that is ok. Cut yourself some slack….u are making progress even when you don’t think you are. Karen xx
PS and Annie…if YOU are crazy…so am I…and the rest of us. 😉
Hi Annie
U r so sweet, and so not crazy. You are also not the only one who waffles, goes back and forth and questions whether or not we are the crazy ones. I hope you are not bc then I am too. 😉
My sah is doing the work and has been since October of 2011. He lets me yell, scream or break down and cry without attitude toward me. He helps w the house, the kids and even managed to change his own coolant in the car (this from a man who didn’t know how to open a car hood).
And now I question myself for why it doesnt make an impact on me. I listen to stories from women on SOS who’s sah’s don’t do squat, and think are you crazy Stacy. He gets it. Hes doing well, he’s the father of your kids, why can’t you move on w him. I think I am crazy
Like today I found myself wanting to follow him when he said he was going to the gym today to verify it. I haven’t checked up on him in months, and he’s transparent about where he is at all times. This sa is what makes us crazy. Crazy bc we had no idea our husbands were (watching porn/masterbating/talking chat lines/screwing hookers) the list could go on……
So now we, at least I do, every thought, question, judgemebt we have. But we are still NOT crazy. We are adapting, learning, moving forward as best we can. As ellen said, u take two steps forward and one back bu u t making progress annie And that is something to be damn proud if given the circumstances. Concentrate on you, speak w ur dr if on meds may need an adjustment and keep moving forward as best you can
Xxoo. Love u
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