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Okay so as many of you know my crisis started 3 months ago. It started out to be what I thought was a “typical” midlife crisis for my H. For the first month I was desperate to keep my family together and to get through this in one piece. Throughout the 1st month I poked and prodded and pulled stuff out of him that led me to the conclusion and confronting him with the fact that he was a SA.
The second month was a bunch of push pull on his part. He would push me away and shut me out then come back all needy and clingy. A roller coaster to say the least but at this point I was still hoping he would want to fix this and get help. He refused help and said he liked what he did and without that he wouldn’t know who he was.
This past month has been a bit more intense. He was working a ton of hours and barely home. Now I know he did have stuff going on at work that required some extra time but I’m no fool to think that ALL that time was spent on work. I sat here in my isolation with the 3 kids marinating in my negative emotional juice blend, so to speak. This took me to a dark place of paranoia and depression. I have lost 37 pounds since April and my hair is falling out. (Totally Hot I know 😉 ) I have come around though to accepting that this marriage is heading for divorce. I can’t fix him and he doesn’t want to be fixed. Simple as that… right??
This week starts month 4 and of course what would a new month be without a new theme??? As some of you read in another post of mine, last week we had a BIG conversation that was all sad and intense. He sobbed that he was terrified to get fixed and that he would rather DIE than have his sexual identity taken away from him. He even said he has though several times about killing himself so that we could all mourn his loss and move on with life. The end game of that conversation was that we would in fact be getting a divorce.
After that conversation last week he has been all sorts of nice and loving. Saturday we had a wonderful family day. It was so nice to pretend for a moment that we were back to what we used to be. (Even though I know now that my previous life was not what I thought it was)
Then came Saturday night…..ugh! This past week I have barley been able to eat and have been feeling weak and awful. Saturday night he started pawing at me to fool around but I felt so lousy I just knew I wasn’t up for “Performing” for him in that manner that I have been for the past 3 months. I just didn’t have it in me and to be quite honest I didn’t want to give in to him. For the first time in 3 months I actually didn’t feel like I needed to give him what he wanted to try to encourage him to stay and get help. He made it quite clear he didn’t want help so why bother.
Soooo……What started out as a power play to try to get me to gratify him turned into this serious conversation. He was talking to me as the “honest” SA part of himself. He said many things but the jest of the conversation was that he was conflicted because he didn’t want to give up his family but on the same note he can’t give up his sexual identity. He flat out said this relationship is not good for me because he WILL take advantage of me because that’s part of what he gets off on is the power in making me do things he knows I don’t want to be doing. He then claims the only reason why our life is off in a ditch right now is because he was simply too honest. If he had continued to keep up his lies we would both be happy right now. He even went so far as to ask me if I could just go back to pretending and he would do better at lying. OH MY FREAKING GOD! SERIOUSLY? He is trying to negotiate having his cake and eating it too. I got to a point in the conversation where I needed a break.
We went to bed and woke up Sunday morning to the same conversation. This time, for the first time, when he asked me what I wanted out of this I said I don’t know. Up until this point I would always come back with “I want you to want to get help for yourself and fix this so we can keep our family in tact.” ( Ooooohhh….theres a shift a happenin’ and me don’t think he likes it 😉 ) I told him I can’t live a life where he is having his cake and eating it too. He couldn’t understand why… Why would it be any different than the last 12 years? I told him because I KNOW now what I didn’t then and that saving our family was important to me but not at the sake of loosing my soul. This would ruin me which in turn would effect my children far worse than a divorce might.
I left and went to take the kids to church while he stayed home and I’m sure looked at porn. The rest of the day we pretty much stayed away from each other but were polite when we did engage.
Before bed he engaged me in a conversation. He said that he may be interested in seeing a shrink but he doesn’t want to go into an addicts program. He inquired about the name of the male shrink I found early on in our area that deals with sexual issues. This morning he asked me to email him the guys name at work today.
WTF!? After reading some of your stories that have been going on for so long I was truly starting to count my blessings that he didn’t want to try because that road seems so much torturous than divorcing and moving on. Now that I’m accepting of the divorce thing…..now he “claims” to want to get help?? I don’t fucking believe it! I would like to believe it but I don’t. How can I possibly think for one minute that this is sincere? Just like my desperation to be a whore for him in the bedroom the past 3 months, this is his move of desperation now that the shoe is on the other foot.
What the hell do I do with this?
~Michelle~
Michelle, you trust your gut. You are right to not believe it. Give him the name of the psychiatrist, and then just keep on the path your were on before he asked for it. He is testing you to see if you really meant it. He is setting up the fake life and seeing if you will cave in and follow along.
My DAH has made similar remarks about how he doesn’t see how anything is different now. Now that not only do I know but his son as well. Chalk that up to lack up empathy. It shows how seriously out of touch they are.
What an ass he is. But you are figuring it out. Your instincts are dead on. Stick to your guns and your gut. Trust yourself. And don’t even bother talking with him anymore. It gets you nowhere and just messes with your head.
Ignore it, he’s playing you like a fiddle. Don’t let him, you CANNOT trust this man. His actions are his words and he’s unpredictable, selfish, and delusional from what I read of his actions. Don’t let him manipulate you. Stay true to what you know to be true and your outcome will be a healthy one.
Michelle,
1. He told you very clearly that he was NOT going to give up his sexual identity.
2. His “compromise” was for you to pretend you didn’t know about it.
3 You are not a real person in this relationship. You do not matter.
4. He is picking up that your position is shifting so he is asking about a shrink. Don’t for at minute think that move is about your well-being. It’s not. It’s so you will stay and continue to play along. In other words, his compromise now is that he will play at getting help while you play at not knowing he needs it.5. Your job right now is to focus on the wellbeing of yourself and your children. The only decisions you need to make are about those priorities.
Lawyer. Financial plan. Gathering evidence. Locating a friend or family member who could help you if you suddenly need to to leave. Secret personal bank account. Only when you and your children’s needs are protected do you have ANY time to listen to him. And then, only if you feel like it.Oh Michelle,
Your H sounds so much like mine. I so hate to relate this, but it’s what I would have wanted to hear. Maybe I did. Yep, I did. Diane you are so gentle and supportive and I’m sorry I let all your advice slip over me. I was in such shock it didn’t sink in. God bless you, Michelle, this is hell and you don’t deserve it.
This new interest in the shrink is a stall tactic, in my opinion. He can stall forever with that one.
I say that because my SAH bragged in journals I was told to read (gag) about being able to “redirect” counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists over 10 years of marriage counseling with his first wife, he NEVER ONCE admitted or even addressed his sexual addiction and the depths to which he had sunk.
Then my discovery 3 days before our first anniversary made the fact that he was obviously involved with prostitutes (still can’t proved he used them during our marriage, just emailed and chatted with them, phone sex I’d expect, now) and had a staggering amount of porn collected and stashed.
With the CSAT we saw together after my discovery, H manipulated and lied to the point that I refused to go back because it was just causing me further pain and suffering. The CSAT agreed with my decision. They supposedly were making progress, finding origins for the SA. The counselor recommended some professionals for H to connect with when he took the job in Houston. Do you think he contacted them at all? No.
H took a polygraph, passed with flying colors. I then found out by the torture pics on my phone he lied on the answer to that question about being aroused by pain (which was my greatest fear apart from child porn and incest), and passed.
The counselor my H has picked out for himself now that he’s five states away, is a Christian couples counselor and they are doing couples therapy because H’s issues have now been defined as a result of a poorly developed relational bound, with me! Yah think? Who could have created a bound with an illusion, which is what the man I was experiencing in my marriage was. How, I ask you, is couples therapy supposed to make a stronger bound when one of the couple is not present, and has stated clearly she is not in a state of recovery to work on the relationship at this time? It’s so bogus. Wait, both of the partners in the couple are not present, because he’s lying through his teeth, and I’m five states away. BUT we’re paying for counseling so he’s doing what was recommended to recover, right? Right. It makes him look good. It makes me angry.
They just play them like they play us, and the counselors are either none the wiser, or are wiser and play the game infinitely and get way richer in the process. Those professionals are NOT IN ANY HURRY to resolve this issue on your behalf.
In that quick exit plan (which we all should have because these SAs are so devious and unpredictable), I will share what I learned that saved me in countless situations; put ALL your and your children’s legal documents: Social security cards, passports, immunization and school records, etc. in a place where he has no access and away from your home and preferably the homes of anyone he knows is related to you. Just hide them, like they hide stuff.
If you need to get out quickly, and it gets ugly, you do not want to be at his mercy to reclaim those documents.
Michelle,
Be clear on him not wanting to give up his sexual identity. He’s confusing identity with addiction. The bottom line here is he’s not willing to let go of his sex addiction and until he wants that for himself then you’re screwed. The word games are so typical with these guys.
Sexual “identity” (and who uses that term anyway??!!!) only equates to sexual addiction.
As my daddy told me when I divorced my first husband and I got on anti depressants “Honey, when your health becomes affected and you need medication to deal with your situation, it’s time to make a change. Your mother and I support your decision to divorce 100%.”
If your hair is falling out over this (and that is very serious), it’s time to make a change.
Psycho babble, meant to throw us off. Ignore it. ACTIONS count. Words are meaningless to SAs. Just tools.
I think it’s pretty clear, if you want him, he’s going to keep it up. Period.
Michelle – I’ve told you – he is “in his addiction” right now – thus the late nights at the office. He is mentally ill and needs seriously help – not just an hour with a therapist. Would you try and reason/talk to, have sex with, a mentally ill person that could turn on you and your kids in a dime? Of course not. Get some distance from him. If you love the bastard, get evidence and tell him to get serious help (sounds like he needs an intensive – or no more “happy family days” and do NOT get on the rollercoaster ride with him. He is in denial – throwing you a bone – which you are happily taking.
The guy is sick and you need to protect yourself and your family. Please?????
I know you want everything to go back to being normal – and he wants to have his cake and eat it too….you are in denial right now – and you need to get out of it for the sake of your family and YOU.
Deb
Dear Mushric
sorry for the pain you are going through. To answer is this typical? as soon as they hear the word “divorce” and they suddenly have an “awakening” to get “better”, well my answer is yes, it is typical behavior of them.
I can’t speak for the rest, but I know many of us have had the “divorce threat talks” and suddenly some efforts are made on their part. Mine never stuck. He made a temporary effort but then returned to his comfort zone – of SA addiction and PD thinking.
I agree with the above comments re: leaving, and finding some sanity and some truth. Very hard when under the same roof with them. they seem to manipulate us too easily, as we want to see progress and fix things, — so we put on our rose colored 10 foot thick glasses and what do we have? an SAH in recovery. really? I don’t think we can see clear until we are out from under. just my personal experience. but you need to do what is right for you, and what you feel you can handle at this time.
sexual identity? yeah… so… no-one has that. To echo off of the other girls here it is just gobbeltygook. Sexual identity should be something that is not permanent. “Sex” or “making love” is an experience shared with 2 (or more) people and it is dependent on a situation between partners. One is not going to have the same “sex” with different people! “Sexual identity” is a theoretical term. Or some fad.
My ex told me he felt inferior to me in be because he wasn’t quite as “experienced in bed” as I was ( which was a translation from: he hasn’t had quite a many parnters as I had… unfortunately it is a numbers game, we are talking about men here. And if you ever repeat this I will deny, deny, deny the fact that I have had more partners than him which may have been the truth at the time of our marriage when he was only 23, and before he went psycho on lust) so he thought he needed to “explore his sexuality’ a bit further. Which was his way of saying, maybe there is something better out there that I have not experienced yet.
Take that for what you may. He/AND your SAH was honest admitting that his sexuality (“sexual identity”) is more important to him than your feelings.
Sorry. I know it sucks and it hurts.To avoid the weight loss and hair loss. Go see a smart lady doctor. She can get you the referrals you need, prescriptions you need. Just make sure you talk to a female. Been there, done that. I do not deal with male therapists, nor male primary care physicians. If yo don’t think your female PCP isn’t feminine enough find one with a heart/ soul/ and desire to listen to your psychosomatic concerns. They are not to be dismissed as a joke/hysteria. They are often a serious health concern. LISTEN TO YOUR HEART. LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION. Find a professional someone to listen to you.
With all the love (and even the anger your SAH’s words evoke in me) in my heart…
HannaMichelle,
I hope this helps and I have no idea where my path will lead yet and I am not fooling myself into thinking my sah is one of the 5 percent that makes it… Or that things will be perfect…. So take this with a grain of salt.
But on my d-day my husband wanted help. He was still in his addiction at the time-but when confronted he broke down, said I think I am a sex addict, and I need help. He changed his cell phone number, gave me all his email passwords ( I thought), closed his facebook acct, and started calling and finding out about residential treatment centers. Mind you he never really takes initiative with anything, so I knew he was serious.
I decided at that time that I wasn’t going to sit at home while he struggled going to 12step meetings and half-assed addressed the issue.
Once we found out how much these centers cost I made a pact with the devil (my family of origin) to borrow money to pay for his treatment.
Currently, one month post inpatient treatment, he is doing really well -will we stay together even if he doesnt slip at all -don’t know yet…haven’t quite decided, but I will give it a bit of time. Will he mess up? Statistics say probably… But I have always been a rIsk taker. But one thing I can say is that my sah today….wants to be a better person and an authentic partner. I trust my gut -it has never been wrong.
So back to you….I really think you need to listen carefully to your sah -does he want to change or keep you living in a fake marriage? It sounds like he is clear that he isn’t ready -he hasn’t hit bottom-
He doesn’t want his world rocked…and he knows you have the power to do that…It sounds like on some level you can picture your life without him. Once you can, it is so freeing….you get your power back. Do that and miraculous things can happen.
Michelle – in addition to their addiction – most of these guys are terrified of the shame associated with it. As soon as they figure out that they might be “outed” they head for the hills and try to make their partner look crazy. Many of us have gone through that. Terri is going through it right now.
Right now, your SAH has chosen to stay in his addiction and doesn’t want to feel the pain and shame. It’s a choice of what will give him the least amount of pain. He may even waffle depending on which way the wind blows each day (he’s not thinking clearly).
Please get the evidence and protect yourself. Start making a life separate from him. If he “gets it” – then you can always reconsider…..but for right now – he’s taking you down with him.
Deb
This thread reply should be posted on the home page, esp the SOSister with the numbered list. Michelle – read this reply thread over and over again until you believe it. Give up the dream. Make a list of what you need to feel safe enough to exit. Say a prayer. Watch the items on your list fall into place. GO! Write about your jouney here.
I can’t thank you gals enough for all your input and sharing.
I have moments of strength and clarity and moments of weakness. Your words all hang in the back of my head while I experience things with my H. It’s like your a little pile of angels on my shoulder waving your finger in the air and saying “Aw Noo He Didn’t?!” lol. Like last night when he stopped home on the way from work @ walmart to pick up a new mini SD card for his phone. The phone that he keeps locked and on him 24/7 even in the bathroom and shower. He claimed that he needed it to store more music but I KNOW what he is really storing on it. THEN, not to mention, I saw him do a handy little trick. He opens the phone and was messing with it for a few. When he went to put the cover on he took the extra mini SD card and placed it loosely inside his phone and snapped the case shut. That MFer thinks I so Fing stupid that I don’t know that he is just hiding his stash right there!!!
So he pulls that (which I said nothing, just noted) and then before bed he says “I’m sorry” I ask for what.. he says “for everything I have put you through sexually for the past 12 years. It was wrong and having a “normal” sexual relationship with you sounds very desirable and something that I want to have.” WTF!? That has to be one of the most retarded things to come out of his mouth. He would’t make a good play writer. That sounded sooooooo scripted and awkward.
Anyway, thanks again to you all for your replies. I will be sure to read them over and over 🙂 For now I’ll let him play his little game. Hopefully he will buy that I’m buying it and let his guard down to be easier to catch messing up.
Love an Hugs to all
~Michelle~Get his phone while he is sleeping. Drive it somewhere–a friend’s house, a po box, anywhere. Then, GET that card.
Michelle,
remember I talked to you or someone else about being underestimated?
This narcissist really thinks you haven’t got the smarts, the courage, or the support to know what to do and do it.
March has told you exactly what to do. The man has to sleep. Be a secret agent. Pretend you are sleeping. wait until he’s really out, and then get it. Think of your children and how you are making sure you can get what they need from him, financially.
Have an exit strategy plan because if he blows up when he discovers it you have to have a way out.Michelle this man is not only a sex addict and narcissist but he is a sociopath , he has no consciousness what so ever
Gather all the evidence you can gather about who he is to help you with you case play secret agent as the sisters told you then once you have all that you can kick his ass royallyWhy not buy a SD card yourself, pop it into your computer and write a ‘surprise’ message for him stating that YOU now have the upper hand and if he acts shitty everything on that card will be publicly displayed/sent to his boss/given to your lawyer?
Or, just leave it blank so he thinks it crashed and he will spend hours trying to recover his info. If you really want to be stealthy you will have to take a look at the card and make sure you buy the exact same type.
Then, when he is sleeping just quickly switch the cards.
Hide that little piece of evidence and smile away.
~ JoAnn
Michelle – last summer (during our supposed “summer of love”) my husband was just like yours….he wouldn’t let his phone out of his sight. (turns out he was texting/sexting a “friend” several times a day) His behavior alone tells you that there is much dirt there. Now is your chance…..we are all jumping up and down telling you what to do. I didn’t dare ask my husband for his password or felt like I had a right to pry into his phone. Really? What planet was I living on? I can’t even believe it now. March hit me over the head and told me that I had a right to that phone and all it’s contents. If this gets ugly for you (and it may) – then you NEED evidence for leverage. Please take our advice. Get a PI if you can’t do it on your own. I know that you just want this nightmare to go away – but it’s here – you need to get real and protect yourself and in the process – you might even help him.
Please???????
Once you have the evidence – you’ll have a better understanding of what to do. Right now, you are stuck in concrete – or more like quicksand. Please save yourself. I’ve been in your shoes and I wanted to believe my husband. Right now he has the control – take it back!
Deb
Michele
I think what Barbara says is a turning point. Once you can imagine you life without him, it’s freeing. As best you can, try and concentrate on you, your kids.
He’s full of it the way he changes his mind so quickly from I am no good, run. I will never give up my sex on the side and email the dr contact info.
Remember, it is ALL about HIM
Anytime he does something that warms your heart to him even a little, ask yourself what he is getting out of it, bc this early on without by help. Chances are it has 0 to do with you and 100% to do with him avoiding pain or being satisfied.
You are early. Early early.
A year has past for me and I found myself having a panic attack and looking through his closet!!! Nuts.
I go from strong, to super strong, to scared child within a week. But the scared child moments are fewer and further between
Prayers and thoughts w you.
Xxoo
Stacy
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