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Hello Sisters,
Sorry, long post!
Just want to say thank you for all the help, support, advice and wisdom which I’ve received since first coming to this site. I found my way here with the intention of trying to find a way to work things out with my XSA and see if what was “broken” (him) could “fixed” (the relationship). Instead, I found out that I did not want to work things out and I came to that decision, in part, from what I’ve learned from everyone on this site. Thanks, JoAnn for creating the place and to all the Sisters.
Despite what happened with XSA, some very good things have been happening in my life. When one door closes, another opens….I have a great opportunity at work which is requiring lots of studying, so I’m jumping at it, and am signing after this month, in an effort to cut expenses, and focus on studying. This exam is just what I needed to shift my focus.
Something else is going on in my life which I’m wondering if I can get everyone’s unbiased opinion.
Its re: a friend, Andrew, who I originally dated for a short time in between XSA and 8 year relationship before him. We dated only a few months several years ago but have remained in contact and good friends since then. When we were first dating I never believed he cared about me as much as I cared about him as he was still very hung up on his ex-girlfriend. So I instead decided to pursue relationship with XSA instead of him as I thought he was the better, more honorable choice (If I only knew then what I know now!?!?!) So, my friend, he was married for 18 years and had an affair and that’s why his wife left him ten yeas ago. He’s been open with me about that. We work in the same industry and I have done consulting work for his business at a discounted rate and he’s helped me professionally as well. And we’ve shared our relationship stories with each other over the years other as well. He knows all about SA and agrees not giving him a second chance. After everything came out with XSA he was so supportive and helped me get through the worst of, as well as my close girlfriends. Recently he did something for me which was so wonderful and touching that I’m wondering about possibly giving him a second chance. Since I finished grad school in 2010, my financial situation changed very much. With the 2008 crash my salary took a huge dive and now I have student loans. I’m house rich, and cash poor. And my salary is 30% lower than in 2008 because we had cut in 2008 and 2009. So this friend of mine offered to lend me a huge chunk of the amount of the student loan debt at a low interest rate (1-2%!!!). After his offer I just said “sure, that would be great, we can talk about it when you get back in Sept”. So four days later, after he left for his trip, I open my mailbox and I have a $30K check from him. $30K! He basically said that don’t worry about paying him right away, we’ll figure out the details of how/what/when re: repayment when he returns and, his words, “trusts me implicitly”. Oh, and he’s handsome. So here is what I wonder. Does he really love me? I am so moved by what he did for me. He has said to me that he would marry me in a heartbeat and make a life with me. I know the answer in my gut is to remain only friends and not be with him because the last thing I need is a cheating husband (again). Some may also think my accepting this loan is a mistake, but it’s changed things for me financially for the better. Until I can start making the money I used to, this loan has lifted a great weight off me. I guess there is a part of me that wants to make a life with him and give him a chance because there is a comfort level of the friendship and knowing each other’s history. I hold back because 1) I think he really still loves his ex who has moved on and isn’t truly in love with me, and, 2) he is probably doomed to cheat on me too! I guess I know the answer, stay away. I know I could fall in love with him again the way I did years ago. Background: After I found out about XSA I flew out to his place and stayed with him for 3 days and nothing happened sexually between us, it was a platonic visit. He basically let me cry for 3 days straight and hugged me, held my hand and took me out.
What do you think, Sisters? Run, Run, Run?? Or am I a total idiot for even considering this?
Hugs, AM
Take the money and give the love thing a wait and see…
He gave it to you with his trust. You have every intention of paying him back ( with money) when you can. He may be your RHETT so be careful with the love stuff for now…
Take it slow but don`t just dismiss the guy..Just my thoughts..
We are all so hyper-vigilant now ( which is good ) that we see all bad at times.. Wait and see if you truly believe he is still in love with ex or that`s just what you think..
Normal guys are out there.. right??
Annmarie,
This is just my opinion. I’m a little skeptical because it seems overboard to me (giving you 30k). I would be wondering what is he expecting in return? Also, is it a loan or a gift? The other thing that concerns me he is a cheater. If they cheat once they very likely cheat again. You’ve been there, done that. You don’t want a repeat performance. The tone of your post to me has you even wondering about this guy so your gut is telling you something. It’s your call, I think this could get complicated and the money adds to it. Just my 2 cents.Annmarie, I’d be really wary. Like NAP said, him just sending you the money is a little weird and rings a bit of the ‘white knight’ syndrome to me. But it does sound like he’s been a good friend to you, comforting you after you found about the SA. I think I’d put something in writing about the terms of this loan, interest rate, etc., and both sign it. Trust your gut, hon, and stay cautious. xoxo
Yes – my SAH is a “white knight”, rescuer type – so just be wary of guys who want to rescue. Sometimes that goes with intimacy issues (Pia Mellody writes about this) and SA. The hook for them is to rescue, and then they like the intensity of it all – and then sex addiction (until the next damsel in distress comes their way).
I think I would implement some good boundaries with this guy up front, so you are both clear on any expectations. That would include Annie’s suggestion of drawing up some kind of document about the money, but also set boundaries for the relationship for now.
Trust your gut, so you don’t get swept away by his grand gesture.
Thanks, ladies. I’m in agreement on not having relationship. Especially after SA fiasco. Re: loan, have already drawn up terms and will make it formal when he returns from traveling in Sept. Hopefully this doesn’t turn out to be a deal with the devil. Either way it’s a huge relief. And time will tell on the rest. Thanks! AM
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