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My lovely sisters…
I feel like we are adding one a minute – I’ve only been away a month and there are hundreds more of us…
I hate this disease / addiction / symptom of modern life / byproduct of personality disorder…
Whatever label you put on it – there is a fallout on beautiful, intelligent, wonderful, gifted, talented women.
I hate it. I want it to stop. I want to campaign to close down all internet pornography producers, to shut down web-servers that allow this traffic, to stop craigslist / adultfriendfinder / lists in newspapers and men’s magazines / to stop it stop it stop it. I want to imprison the men who run brothels – who traffic women, who get them hooked on drugs so they sell their bodies – to the advertisers who think it’s OK to use sex to sell stuff. I want it to stop.
I want to wrap our daughters up in cotton wool, to save them from this.
I want to scream every time I see a new name on this screen because I know another life has been brought to its knees – that another family is on the line, that another generation of children are at risk…
I want to change our governments and change the laws. I want to change the patriarchal church so that it re-establishes itself in the truth and the way, not in systems and cultures that devalue women.
I want the pain to end for us all – for women to find fairness if they have to divorce and not jump through fucking hoops to get a maintenance settlement that will enable them to support themselves.
I want a magic cure for all the men who are so fucked up and hell bent on destroying all that is beautiful.
I know it starts with me – and I don’t know what to do.
I am honest about my journey if people ask why I am separated from my husband. I call it what it is. My husband had a £500 a month addiction to prostitutes, that led him to behave in highly erratic and chaotic ways, that gave me chlamydia and cost me the marriage I believed I had.
I am honest about my past – and say how wrong I was to have done the things that I have done (including being paid to be photographed naked and taking part in swinging parties and an affair with a married man). Sisters – I was once part of the problem.
I don’t see what has happened to me now as punishment for that – I see it almost as a consequence. No boundaries – no sense of my own personal value. I feel I was encouraged almost to seek favour with men because on my own I had no worth.
So what now? What do I do?
If telling my story can save my own daughter and son, then so help me God. If sharing it here can save a family – then I will. Can I share nationally? I don’t know. Let me change the media and appetite for drama – then maybe I will!
Sisters – you have all given me so much. Hope, freedom to express myself, tools to deal with stuff, virtual hugs and encouragement…
There must be a light in all this. There has to be. Look for the light!Ok, we were bound to get here eventually. First step I can think of is to start a petition to have sexual addiction listed with drug and alcohol addiction as a fault for divorce purposes in all fifty states. I KNOW some will argue this will keep men from coming forward on their own to get help. But we have the survey. Do they come forward until they are caught? No.
Plus putting SA squarely with alcohol and drug addiction in a courtroom will empower all these spouses who are just waiting around for MORE incriminating evidence so they can simply survive if they leave.
As a start.
Lying,
I am with you on no-fault divorce. We need to get the fault option back into the system. What is fair about a woman who has been cheated on, deceived and the ability for the man to walk away with you even having to pay half of the debt for his flings.
No-fault divorce was never intended to be the only resolution for disolution of a marriage. It was designed for two people who were in agreement about a divorce, not a forced situation with spouses that have been deceitful, lying, manipulating and dishonest. No-fault is in my opinion is criminal to allow a way to be relieved of all responsibility to a marriage.What is fair about when a man has had continued employment for years while the wife followed his career, essentially putting hers on the back burner. Or, the woman who stays home and tends to the needs of the family. There are many many women in their fifties and sixties where the man walks out – earning $100,000 a year, with bucco vacation time and retirement benefits. The woman who has been deserted, gets to start developing a career, usually starting at low paying jobs. Do you know what her social security payments are going to be – next to nothing. They take the three highest paying years to base what your payment will be.
So if you are working for Walmart, you are supposed to save for retirement, and live on the meager funds you receive from social security. Try to buy a house on that and the 1/2 you got from your marital home. You can afford 1/2 a house, Good luck,
Fyi, many states no longer award alimony, they might do spousal support for 2-3 years. And I mean might. Now he at $100,000 a year has no problem living, can put money away for retirement and his social security will be much larger than you will ever dream of.
This is what no-fault divorce has done for women – it needs to be changed so we do not find ourselves in utter poverty at this time in our lives. Especially when they have dishonored every aspect of the marriage. They should be accountable – how is this fair.
This has to change because women are absolutely left devastated by the current system.
I am crying and cannot respond right now… Thank you Jos for even starting this topic…You are so very right.
Jeannette
I agree with you so much about ‘no fault’ divorce.Jos and Lynng,
Great posts and so true.If you never married the asshole, the only thing you possibly will get to take with you is a STD and yearly testing.
Marie,
I did marry and thanks to our states laws I get nothing because I do not have an eyewitness. To testify he actually had intercourse with another woman. Copies of emails that they were getting together, actually H And four different women were, is not proof enough of infidelity. And EVERTHING else he’s done (that we know of) is inadmissable in court.
Because of the duration of our marriage, without fault I get nothing. Even though I gave up a great job to help him with his overwhelming property and family demands, and left my home vacant to diminsh in value while I did that.. Every other contract you make, if you break it, you pay. Why are we not ,at minimum, equally protected?
I honestly believe chemical castration – and I am serious about this – needs to become part of traditional sex addiction treatment options just as it is for sex offenders. Why is it never mentioned? It’s really not that extreme, it’s just a pill/injection of female BC. They need to stop doing what they’re doing, and I don’t care how or why. It just needs to stop. This isn’t men bashing, I promise, I really honestly think it’s the only option that can help the severely addicted.
I think there needs to be an international sex addict registry, where if they don’t seek recovery and stick to it, then they get put on there for all women to be warned about for the future, aka the next victims. These men are a danger to women, children, and society.
Victoria,
In the US there is a national registery for abusers just as there is one for sex offenders. The trick there would be having sexual addiction included as abuse.
Jos,
As you described, the roots of SA are so ingrained in our current culture that the changes are bound to be resisted. And they arw multifaceted. A political action committee, non-profit agency for community awareness and services, and R&D through NIH would be good starting points. Other less defined grassroots actions, webdriven probably, for anonymity, could feed them. NOT a trash the SAs approach, rather a save the next generation, stop the cycle of addiction/abuse. There will be pushback, of course, from entrenched
The porn industry will crucify anyone who gets in their way. It is a multi billion dollar industry and they do NOT take threats against their money lightly.
There is some ex-porn star ( sasha gray??) that is now extolling the virtues about how great porn was for her..ETC..Now, she has a part in a “real” movie and Oprah and Tyra banks are glamorizing her ( showing pics of her mansion , cars, etc..). Now, what message does that send to the cute, young college gal that is waiting tables for tips??
Not to mention the whole damn Country vilified Monica Lewinsky and Old BIll is going strong and loved by all. She was 23 and He was the POTUS!! Where`s the outrage?
Bev,
You are so right. There is no point in targeting porn. BUT there is some hope in addressing the impact of the Addiction. And educating women about it’s prevalance THis is difficult because it sounds incriminating but it is for our culture as a whole, not us particularly. . For me the most eye-opening aspect has been the way women do all these things in pursuit of being desireable, and I honestly believe most women think that will bring you happiness in relationships. We buy into that but hardly any of us can conceptualize just how disposable we are when we ALL live to that standard. We think they want us. We are misguided, and the fact that many become incapable of a long term sexual relaionship proves it.
We think we are creating fine Waterford Crystal masterpieces for the elixir of life, the ultimate relationship. He’s just jonesing for his next shot of Boones Farm from a Dixie cup. We can’t stop the demand, but we can cut supply and STOP looking the other way. The lengths women will go to to be “desirable” is freakish. How did this happen? A man should be so honored to have the privilege of simply seeing a woman undressed he would give his life for that woman. And we berate ourselves if we are not “bikini ready” at all times.
There are so many ways this could be taken as insult to you already wounded sisters I apologize profusely for any additional hurt. I am having a hard time expressing this well.
This morning I had to get in my daughter’s wallet (she’s 18) to get back a credit card I loaned her. While I was looking for the card I came across a “membership card” for a local strip club. Sweet Jesus. I thought my heart was going to explode. My mind started racing: was she sneaking out of the house and stripping? (I would literally kill myself if that were true) Did she find this card in her Dad’s stuff? On and on. Fortunately, I got myself calmed down before I talked to her. When I asked her about the card she said that her group of friends went to the club with one of the guys in the group when he turned 18 and they were required to get a membership to get in. I do believe this. I remember when it happened – they just said they were going to a club – didn’t mention (for obvious reasons) that it was a strip club. I managed to tell her in (I hope) a rational way that this was not right. That it was unhealthy on a lot of levels for her to go near one of these places or that one of her friend would want/expect them to do so just because he turned 18. She doesn’t know what’s going on with her dad & I and I want to keep it that way so I had to keep the discussion impersonal which was very, very difficult. I wanted to scream YOUR DAD FUCKED ONE OF THOSE SKANKS!! But of course I couldn’t. I am just sick at the thought that my baby girl was in one of those places. This generation looks at sex in a completely different way than we do. It frightens me beyond belief. It’s not just the porn industry and that is bad enough. It’s the movies, the books (Fifty Shades of Gray – REALLY?), the music, the sexting, on and on and on. They are just totally blase about something that should be special and intimate. I can’t tell you how many girls in my daughter’s high school class had babies but the number was shockingly high. The STD rate was shockingly high too. A boy in my son’s class got two different girls pregnant within weeks of each other!! And they FOUGHT over him like he was a prize!! How the hell do we fix this? I have no answers.
I explained to both of my kids in detail that these women ( porn, stripper, hookers…) were HUMAN beings. And to participate in that makes them culpable in hurting another human being.. I asked them to try and imagine the type of home that these women came from and try to have some compassion. I have NO clue if I got thru but I tried.
My H had an actual affair with a woman in another part of the state some years back. Her I hate with a white hot passion. She knew he was married. She knew he had children. She didn’t care. And yes, I know he was even more culpable but that doesn’t excuse her. I regularly check her facebook page just so I know where she is and what she is up to. She has this picture of Jesus posted on her page with a caption about “if Jesus knocks on your door would you open it?” And she commented that Jesus is always welcome in her home. GAG. I do have fun imagining the comments I could make to that one. “Well Barbie, what happens if you’re fucking someones husband when Jesus knocks on your door? Are you still gonna let Him in?” The most recent “partner” is a stripper. Her, I don’t hate and I won’t as long as she stays away from my family. I figure she was in it for the money. I’m pretty sure she wasn’t looking to break up his marriage, just to get some extra security for her kids. I mean, it disgusts me but it doesn’t make me angry the way the other one did. Like you said Bev, I try to have some compassion for someone that has to degrade herself that way to make a living.
Daisy, I don`t actually have a whole lot of compassion right now myself. I don`t really blame the hookers or strippers though. My H did pick up random women in bars and he left all their names and numbers in his phone. I have those. I called about 15 of them before I got bored. They were generally very nice women that he had LIED to. They were very helpful and 2 called me back and offered to help set him up or testify if I needed …
I just wanted my children to understand that participating in any form of sexual objectification of women was not cool or funny or hip or whatever word they use now…. It was taking advantage of a human being that got WAY off track. Most are probably crack addicts.. I hold my H responsible.
Now, your Barbie and her Jesus quote just takes the cake. I just shake my head and am sad for all of humanity at that point… Not sure I could keep quiet on that one. ..
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