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Diane, you stated so eloquently in the topic of ‘Processing Anger’ If we lose our capacity for compassion, laughter, joy, etc. because we have decided to be angry all the time, or angry first before anything else—then there is a problem that needs professional help.
That really hit home with me. Do you think I need professional help?
I don’t think I chose to be angry, but I think my anger toward Larry may have changed me into something ugly.
I am happy most of the time. I am doing a lot of things that fill my soul with light and make me smile. It is only with Larry that I feel as if I have lost my soul and do not want to give him anything more.
Here is the situation. Larry’s short term memory loss, lack of emotion and decreasing ability to focus and pay attention to his environment are all getting so much worse.
He has been to a Psychiatrist and Psychologist, and in addition to the Personality Disorders and ADHD he as also been diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment.
The problem is that I have absolutely no compassion or sympathy for his illness. I am still so angry over all the shit that he has done, how he deceived me from day one and continued to lie and deceive me even though he has stopped fucking hookers.
Today he was going to go to Talahassee to see the neurologist and to schedule a full neurological work up for his new diagnosis of Mild Cognitive Impairment, which is the ‘in between’ stage of normalcy and Alzheimer’s Disease or Dementia. As he was backing out of the driveway (flat, straight and wide enough for two cars) he ran my car into a tree. He broke the tail lights and scraped and dented my driver side fender.
Let me see, over the past three years he has run his car over curbs three times and destroyed the tires, rear ended another car and totaled his car, backed into a parked truck when we were on vacation, backed into a house piling while we were renting here on the island last winter and now this.
I guess I have to face it that he is not safe to drive any more.
Most of the time he seems okay but I can definitely see the impairment. We have had the talk about how he needs to get his life in order and say what he has to say to whomever he needs to say it to while he still can. That had no effect. There is just no emotion out of him; serious talks get us nowhere and within five minutes he is showing me some silly joke on the internet.
He never said he was sorry, he just looks at me with that deer in the headlights look and that’s it.
I am definitely getting all of my ducks in a row for this one. My son (the neuro scientist in Switzerland) is working on setting up a foreign trust or foundation (he’s looking into both) where we can put both of the houses and all of my investments. On paper, neither Larry nor I would own anything. Then we would just pay rent to the foundation, which is completely hidden from all prying eyes.
That way if he needs to go into a nursing home the state can only take so much of his income, they have to leave me enough to live on.
After the last incident of lying and searching out porn on his Kindle he knew the consequence would be separate bedrooms and that I would not take care of him if he got sick—that he would have to go into a nursing home. We had discussed this at great length before I went to Missouri. I worried that I might not be able to enforce that consequence being a nurse and all, but I have no doubt now.
What I struggle with is my own coldness and complete detachment from him and his illness. I know (or at least I think) that he is scared. At this point he knows his memory is going and he knows his future will be exactly what he feared the most. He will lose his mind.
I think I should at least feel some sort of compassion and caring for him. I should hurt for him and want to comfort him (although he isn’t even asking for that).
I am disturbed by my lack of any sort of feeling whatsoever for what this man, my husband, is facing. I know in my head that his impulsive, childish behaviors without thought to consequences are part of his mental impairments, but my heart just doesn’t care.
I don’t like who I am right now.
I am just angry about this whole mess. I am angry because now, even if he eventually does go into a nursing home, there will be a period of time where he will, once again, suck the life out of me. In my mind he does not deserve any devotion from me. He never earned it and I just have no more to give to him.
I continue to do my own thing. We are remodeling the house right now, which makes me very happy. I am making friends, doing fun things and trying my damndest to understand why he chooses to do nothing except sit in front of the TV or surf the internet for mindless stupid shit (not porn, just waste of time shit). If I ask him to do something ‘right now’ he will do it willingly. But ,if I ask him to do something later, tomorrow, or whenever he can; it is lost forever from his mind.
What I am asking for my dear Sisters—and of course our Goddess Diane, is just some suggestions as to how I can integrate all of this into my life. How can I find a way to feel compassion and sympathy for this man I am married to without losing myself in the process? How can I care about him and still care about myself? Can I somehow leave all of my anger and resentment behind, understand that at this point he really cannot help himself and give him at least a few kind words and a hug once in a while without feeling ‘put upon’ all over again?
Love and hugs to all ~ JoAnn
Maybe it would be easier to feel compassion for him if he was someone else’s problem 5 states away? I think I would feel a lot of anger and resentment in the shituation you are in.
Dear JoAnn,
I have no short answer for your question. I am at work today but will be thinking of you and this question and situation and write back when I have more time! Can’t wait to see what the sister’s say!
Hugs!!!!!
SL
Hi JoAnn –
I think what you are feeling is perfectly natural. You finally got to the point where enough was enough, so now all the anger is surfacing. As I believe in God and Karma, it is obvious to me that what goes around comes around and Larry is getting his.
I just think it is a process, and eventually you will get to the point of just feeling neutral. This man has put you through hell and back, so it is going to take some time.
I can only relate my situation to you and how I got there. I had surgery on my leg yesterday for a squamous cell carcinoma. The week before that, I had an inner ear infection. I truly believe all the trauma and depression I have gone through has contributed significantly to my physical well-being. I worry about that with you, as well.
Anyway, the anger has been on-going up until about 2 weeks ago. Steve called me last night to ask how the surgery went and expressed his feelings that he is still my husband and should have been at my side for the surgery. I simply told him, “It could have been that way Steve, and it is sad that it had to come to this.” He just replied, “I know.”
As far as the Karma for Steve – He still hasn’t sold his home in Cedar Creek, so it is eating away at his retirement. He owes a phenomenal amount of income taxes for this year. And now, he facing giving up a nice settlement to me in the divorce. I am sure he regrets ever signing a post nump. Karma is catching up with him, as well. I just believe that our higher power takes care of those kinds of things, and a person who has lived a selfish self-absorbed life will end up on the shit end of the stick.
Last night, I felt totally neutral in talking with Steve. No anger, not really any empathy, and least of all any feelings for him. The anger I felt for him in the past was only destroying me, and so I let it go. I think I realized the anger in the past was mostly at myself for allowing an individual to have so much power over my life, and the regrets in allowing it to happen.
You are such a strong woman, and I think when you experience normal emotions that we all have you are too hard on yourself. You are a perfectionist, and being just a little inperfect is not in your vocabulary. I know, because I am exactly the same way.
So, lovely JoAnn – allow yourself to feel the anger. If you can find it in your heart to forgive Larry, I think you will move out of the anger phase much more quickly.
Please get to the mindset that you don’t owe Larry a thing. He has made your life a living hell for way too long.Send him to a Nursing Home and forget about him. You owe that to yourself.
You are the most wonderful, kind, and loving person I know. You can be happy and live a fulfilling life. You are in a wonderful place at the Island and have so many lovely friends and activities now to fulfill your life. So embrace that and free yourself of Larry and the noose he has around your neck. You give so much of yourself to everyone else, and now it is time to give to yourself.
I love you – we all do, and we are here for you any time. If you ever want to talk, feel free to give me a shout at 913-766-0961.
My prayers and love are with you,
SharronOh JoAnn, I’m typing on my phone so will be brief…. but honey, you are just such a saint – even to consider giving compassion after what you’ve been through with Larry. All I know is Karma is a bitch and she’s fucking Larry over just like HE fucked you over. Hang in there girl, and no guilt. I love you! Liza
JoAnn, it’s a delicate balance trying to stay compassionate and yet staying removed. And the beginnings of dementia or senility..eesh, that makes it even more complicated.
I may be talking out my ass here, but I wonder if you have a sort of defense mechanism going on? Where maybe you’re afraid that if you let yourself feel any compassion for him at all, it will break your heart, in terms of pitying him?
There’s something so childlike and pitiful about these SAs sometimes, and with the onset of senility, I would think that would really exacerbate the childishness. And as mothers, our maternal heartstrings can get easily tugged. I’m doing a bit of a projection thing here, putting myself in your place and imagining how I would feel, so this may not ring true for you at all. But the fact that you say you feel angry and resentful at him (with reason!) seems like you’re not completely detached from him, so that’s why I’m wondering if you’re protecting yourself from the possibility of a tide of mixed-up emotions. Which I don’t think is necessarily a bad thing, by the way. When you’ve been drained by years of living with an SA, survival mode kicks in, and maybe this is what is going on with you? I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, but I’m also really glad that you have your island and the happiness that it’s brought you. Sending you big hugs. xoxoHi there,
I may need several cracks at this one.I think you are just done with care-giving. That’s all. You have nothing left for him. You have stayed and he wants that. You have given that. And that is all you have to give.
We can’t judge our capacity for compassion in reference to these men. You have learned that he take every last scrap of whatever you give him, and piss it away. It will not make any difference to him that you gave it or what it did for him. This is not a relationship of mutuality. The man is on the edge of being institutionalized. What do you expect of yourself?
When I worked in a seniors home on the locked wing, I could have compassion because I wasn’t there 24 hours a day, trying to live my own life. You are there 24hours, and you deal with every single thing that does that is nuts. And If I remember correctly you came back to this man some years ago after he cracked up his first foray on a motorcycle and needed round the clock nursing care. She went and gave it to him. And his recovery was really only because you were his advocate and you tended his wounds.
JOAnn you are just done with this man. But you don’t leave him because of the financial implications. You do him no harm. And you ask him for nothing. He wants to be with you and you let him. You share the house. What’s exactly would more compassion mean in this situation? Mercy sex?
You know, when my lover had rotator cuff surgery I committed to doing some things to help him. But there were many things I did not do. And something in me rose up against the idea of care-giving. I believe, you and I are living out a result of PTSD. We simply can’t take these kind of care-giving commitment risks because we did that and we have paid dearly for it. We have been completely loyal and forgiving, and care-giving and understanding and sympathetic and helpful with a relationship. And it was not a good idea. It was dangerous and very nearly cost us everything. So I believe this limited care position is one of the implications for some of us who had a good does of PTSD. I know that it also contributed to my decision to leave congregational ministry. I simply felt if one more person asked for more thing I was going to jump out the window (I was on ground level, but you get the point).
I find you very compassionate, JoAnn–to me and others. You laugh at all my jokes. You celebrate every good thing that happens to every woman on this site. I think our compassion is more careful now, for our own safety, because of PTSD.
What do you think of these ideas?
love,
D.This one of the most unfair things I have ever witnessed. JoAnn, you are holding yourself to the highest standards. It has made you who you are and saved womens lives. Larry does not. His choices have created his current situation. Of course you are angry. This ia such a senseless loss. Please have a consult to clarify for yourself and gain insights, but from my perspective your emotional response, and even potential coping mechanisms are normal and natural.
Love
“This is such a senseless loss”
Thank you Lynn…. For finding the words I have struggled to express for a long, long time.
Joann…how many years have you been dealing with Larry and his various “stuff”? I think that this will give you the answer. You are likely just purely and simply worn out – your energy and compassion is sucked dry.
Be kind to yourself and realize that it’s a natural thing. Honor it.
Deb
Dear Joann,
I am new to all of you but I want to share with you what I have learned. I can not give love to anyone if I am running on empty.
I do not know all of your story, but I do know I am in the middle of following through with what I committed to do if I caught my husband again. It is not fun or easy and sucks.
I keep telling myself. I did not cause this. He did this.
The most loving thing I can do it take care of myself 100%. This support group has already helped me to understand I have been traumatized.
Diane_D
Hi JoAnn,
I think that if in your life you can not feel joy, happiness, compassion for yourself or anyone else besides Larry…you may have a problem. This would trigger that maybe you had a loss for emaphy, compassion and caring. However in your case it appears that these definciencies are only around, for and to Larry.When anger spills over into all areas of your life that you no longer enjoy life, then you may want to look into it. But i think as you said you are mad at your situation, you are mad at Larry, you are mad at all that has happened. I am still and we all are mad at our SA’s; i think to not be mad…would be not healthy.
Then we have the people that say you should forgive and your anger will no longer hold you hostage. However just because you forgive, I don’t hink will result in any compassion for Larry. That is just forgiving and letting go of anger. This does not mean anything about staying with a sex addict or even having an ounce of compassion. Different topics.
I think oprah talk alot about the anger issue.
That is all i can think of now.
Hugs and love,
FloraAwww hell Jo..You are over thinking this one. Larry is just Larry. You know that better than anyone. You made some tough choices and you are living with them ( pretty damn well). Now “shit for brains” is getting sicker. You are human. It`s a no brainer. You have NO deficit in the ” loving, caring, compassionate” department. You just recognize a lost, pathetic, human being when you see one …Don`t sweat it!! If you FEEL like being nice to Larry then go ahead if you don`t then fuck him.
Go walk on the beach and have a glass of wine. You are just fine.
Love You
Oh, and doesn’t everyone put empty cans of dog food in the refrigerator?
Just fed Phantom.
Going to the beach!
JoAnn,
I think what you are dealing with on a day to day basis is HUGE and the fact that you are reaching out for help says alot. It’s just too much. It’s just too much for anyone because we are human. I think you are living a contradiction and doing that is so tough. You care but you can’t care understand completely why you don’t. It’s had to be happy when this anchor is really and truthfully weighing you down. It would anyone.I know you are so compassionate, caring, loving, smart, witty, and want to just be free to enjoy life. The reality is you are doing the best you can, yet I sense sadness and loss for your own life. You’re very young at heart and you are faced with this very big burden. I just want you to know the situation is very difficult and complicated and I’m here for you JoAnn because as people there’s only so much we can do. Care about you and if you’d like to talk ever I’d love to. I’m sorry this is so wearing and hard.
Love ya lots, NapJoAnn you have lots of love and compassion. If you didn’t you wouldn’t have made such an effort to help other women who were hit by the same truck that ran you over. Gosh it’s the complete opposite. His way of life has consumed you (and all of us) you can’t help him anymore yet you still reach out to help others. You completely understand this disorder, You of all people should be able to fix it. Yeah you should be angry. You have given everything you can give to him, and he will never get it. I don’t think any of them will. You know you could kick his ass out, say screw all this sa stuff and go have a lot of fun with normal people! (But don’t ok!) I don’t think there really is a fix. Just more tolerance from us. so sad.
For nursing homes our state (medicare?) does a 5 year look back at assets and they will sue you to get them back in your name if you hid them. My accountant said to leave enough money in their name so they can get into a decent nursing home. If he has no $ he will have to go into a nasty facility. It’s a balance. I would leave what ever he has in his name and hide all of your money. I have been working on my dad’s estate for a while. I think we just past the 5 year mark.
JoAnn this post makes me sad. You and all of us deserve to be treated better. This is so out of balance.
Shoot- 5 years? Maybe you should have divorced him, JoAnn. That just sucks. Goodness knows you have paid your dues with him.
Honestly, if he is making you crazy, can you get a break from him? Ship him off to his kids or some other family member for awhile?
If you were feeling a great deal of love and sympathy, with the urge to take care of him, I’d REALLY be worried about you right now. He deserves nothing from you, but I know you will make sure he’s taken care of (in a proper facility). Loving Larry is like bailing a crack-bottomed boat; it’s fucking (adjective) Sysiphus and the stone–truly an exercise in futility. What was it Jesus said about casting what is holy to dogs or throwing pearls before swine? I don’t even thump the Bible and that makes sense to me.
JoAnn, fwiw… My best friend has worked at a nursing home for many years, and oh my, the stories she has told me about quite a few of the ‘resident’ men…. how once their mental faculties decline they often lose what little inhibition they had about controlling their deviant behavior…(and let’s face it, SA’s don’t have much or any to begin with). Yeah, that’s right…they grope anything female that moves, walk around with their dicks in their hands, jack off in the visiting room, and WORSE. Lovely. Let THAT be someone else’s problem JoAnn.
Thank you dear ones, I love all of you so much.
Whenever I run into a wall (which happens frequently) all I have to do is share it here and I know I will be okay because I have comfort, support, love and sometimes some really bizarre humor from my Sisters.
I love it.
It’s been pretty difficult around here keeping all these men in line. 🙂
I am smack dab in the middle of remodeling, and my carpenter and his helper came down from Missouri last Saturday, so they are staying here while they do the work.
So, hammering, pounding, sawing and sanding starts at 7;30am and continues until 9pm at night. I play happy hostess and feed them and try to function normally.
Larry just adds to the circus of my life.
It will all end on Sunday at 5am when they head back to MO, but they will be back in a couple of weeks to put in the hardwood floors.
Sunday is also the day that Hurricane Isaak arrives, so we may have to evacuate.
Why can’t I just be a normal grandma with a rocking chair on the porch and a cat and some knitting in my lap?
Instead I have a ‘hot’ young carpenter (who seems willing to follow me anywhere) in my house and a SA husband who has forgotten what ‘hot’ is.
😉
Love to everyone. I’ll be more sane next week when the chaos is over. ~ JoAnn
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