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So I’m one of the new girls. Diane D or Didi since there is another Diane to make it easier.
Husband went to treatment earlier this month. I am supposed to talk to him and his therapist tomorrow. He called our daughters tonight for the first time.
He told them all about the “classes” he is taking, the yoga he is doing and the healthy food he is eating and how he working on feeling better. (GAG!)
I told him I would talk to him and his therapist if I needed to for “his healing” but I am not interested in talking about saving our marriage.
Has anyone done this? Talked to their husband in treatment. What can I say? Not say? I don’t want to sound like the crazy one. I want to be strong. Do I ever get to tell him what an ASS I think he is. Does it even matter since it seems like he does not even care.
I am so stirred up right now and do not want to loose my cool. He told me I needed to find a support group. And I have. I now have you. I know I am making the right decision. I know that he really does not love me or even understand the depth of pain and hurt he has caused.
I’m not sure what I am asking for. Support, prayers, protection, safety, to not fall apart when I talk to him and all the pain I have not even addressed the last two weeks to explode from inside me and I rip off his dick on the phone. (sorry I couldn’t help it. I never talk this way but I just have to get it out.)
I love all you women already and am so sorry for what each of you must have had to go through to be here beside me on this journey. I am grateful I found you and grateful for anything you have to share.
Didi
Hi Didi and welcome sister!
We are so glad you found us! We need you as much as you need us!! Every sister is supported and validated and we all learn so much from each other!
I m looking forward to getting to know you! I am one of the sister’s who has divorced and moved on! I am happy to help you in any capacity including support, questions, personal phone calls, text goddesses or whatever you need! I am so proud of you!
I will be sending you my best good energy for tomorrow and thinking of you!! I have no experience with treatment centers as my SA never even got close to that- not that I ever asked him anyway since I filed for divorce as soon as I discovered his double life and then gathered my evidence! I’m sure other sister’s can advise on your questions!
Good luck and lots of love!!!SL
Didi,
I am almost seven weeks into finding out my husband was up to something much bigger than I originally thought. I’ve been with him for 36 years, he started this garbage about 2.5 years ago. Here’s what I’ve observed: my husband is narcissistic as a result of all the junk he did. He responds to my pain and my sadness when expressed in a calm way. He doesn’t know what to do with my anger. He understands I should be angry, but it’s like he’s developmentally incapable, due to the narcissism, to deal effectively with my anger. I have been very, very lucky to see some of the narcissism breaking up this early. Expressing my pain and sadness seems to help that to happen. As awful as this is, we are all bigger than the foolish circumstances we find ourselves in.Didi,
Sorry – I can’t help you on what to say to him in treatment. I did an intervention last Dec. when he said he was having a nervous breakdown after I figured everything out but his so called therapist told me that he needed more time to come to terms with it all before an intensive….that was 7 months ago.
I know that some other sisters had SAH’s in intensive treatment centers – so I’m sure they will chime in.
I’m so sorry that he made a mockery of his so-called “recovery”. I had a similar situation last summer when I thought he only had an affair that he ended and we really worked hard on our marriage only for me to discover that he had a sexting relationship on the side the entire summer. So – he was cheating on his mistress…. Ughhh….
I remember saying to myself that was it….but here I am.
If I find out anything else – I know like you, I’m throwing in the towel. Life is too short and we are worth much more than this crazy life. It’s great when you finally realize that. So – I honor and respect you for getting there.
Take good care of yourself….and you are loved.
Deb
Welcome Didi, I’m glad you have found us.
Which treatment center is your H at?
I wish I had advice to share for speaking to him in treatment, but my SA has never been through any intensive treatment, even though he sorely needs it. I am sending you lots of love and thinking of you, though. Please know we are always here for you no matter what happens. There’s no need to apologize for anything you say here – we all understand!
Love Victoria
Didi, I’ll also be thinking about you as you receive that call. I think it’s a HUGE problem that no one from the treatment center has been in touch with you to explain this process and let you know what to expect. Just another way we are dismissed and diminished in the world of SA.
not that I can do it, but I think you should just listen to him and nod, acts cool, have you witnessed him acting so cool in spite of a huge fight you had with him only a minute ago, they detach very quickly and compartmentalize, well I guess we have to learn some of these traits after all I think it is so much needed in such situations
Just listen to what he has to say and don’t say much, and wish him quick recovery and healing, no promises, no sharing, just put that icy mask, that I am sure you had seen him wearing endless times.I`m so sorry Didi. I spoke with Dr. Minwalla one on one when my H was in treatment. I chose NOT to do the 3 way call. Dr. M told me that was fine and anytime I was ready he would do it even after H got home. I have not done it yet….This was 3 weeks ago. It gave me a panic attack just thinking about it so I didn`t do it. Maybe you should phone the clinic first and speak to the Doc just you. Ask him what you can expect from the phone call with H. At least you could prepare. Good luck and I will be sending love your way!
Didi,
I have no experience in this either. My STBX is going into inpatient therapy next week. I doubt I’ll get a phone call, either. No one has bothered to explain inpatient to my kids or me (even though I’ll likely pay for half of the $50k).
I do have court-ordered access to any SA treatment/therapists he has, so I am considering how to use that for inpatient treatment.
Do you have any agenda here? How old are your girls? Is visitation/custody an issue if you get divorced?
If the therapist is on the line, I would take it all with a grain of salt because it is likely to be a performance for therapist.
Has the therapist talked to you for his history for verification? (I’m guessing not- does that ever happen? Why do they trust these guys?). If he hasn’t, you might think of ways to slip in some key points- “have you discussed…?” “what are you doing about…?” and name specifics (calmly and politely, try to lead with something nice, if you can stand it). My guess is the therapist is going to want to keep a tight rein on the discussion, but I think you should be able to ask some questions. I’d have them ready so I could slip them in if the opportunity arises during your conversation.
I’m just thinking out loud here. It just depends on what you are wanting to accomplish. I am always happy to point out what a manipulative liar my STBX is because they always fall for his BS. My motivation is because I don’t need a bunch of therapists saying he’s committed to recovery and should get standard visitation when I know it all bullshit.
Minwalla did talk with me and ask me to verify history. I felt good about that. I got to tell my side and Doc M did not act like I was the crazy person…
Although..just the fact that I was on the phone discussing that my H screwed hookers was so surreal that I went into vomit mode…
HI Didi, I’m the other Diane (and even with only one “n”)
First I really understand your anxiety. You have no one acting as your advocate, while he has an entire team.
My suggestions are:
1. Decide what your message is. Write it down and have it in front of you. Do not respond to his questions or comment, simple stick to your message. For example, a message might be “I truly hope you are able to overcome your sexually compulsive behaviour. I have recognized that a consequence of your betrayals is the destruction of our marriage. I am moving on from that, and I will not be involved in any way with the work that is only yours to do. I have a support group and and am getting the help I need to heal and rebuild my life.”
2. Stay on message. Do NOT respond to his questions and try to answer them. Simply Repeat all or part of your message. You do not answer to him or his program. YOu answer to yourself.
3. When he presses for details of your support group, your healing process, simple say “You are not involved in any of it, and don’t need to be distracted from your own work.”
4. If the conversation start to veer off course, and you lose control, end it. Don’t be afraid to say, “I’ve said everything I have to say, and I have to go now., Good bye”
5. Have all these prompts written out in large print where you will be taking the call.
6.If you says “but you said you would do this”, you can say, “I’ve changed my mind.” If he presses or starts being abusive, tell him you will not be bullied by him or anyone else, and hang up.
7. If you decide you don’t want to talk to him at all, advise the centre where he is that you will not be taking his calls.
8. REmember that you can do anything you want, and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want. It’s that simple.
It’s your schedule and your agenda that you will follow, not his or his recovery program’s.With a big hug
Diane.DiDi, I’ve been away getting my daughter to college so I’m not sure if your phone call has happened yet or not. Just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you and hoping that if it happened, it went well for you. Diane’s advice was AWESOME! I see why the other sisters call her The Goddess (aside from the obvious reference to your mutual first name). If I were you, I’d do it exactly as she said.
Hugs,
DaisyI would go with Diane’s plan. Sounds like a safe place to be, and gives you something to hold onto when the inevitable manipulations start.
Love these sisters!
Praying it works out to your benefit, DiDi
Hello Sisters,
Here is how the call with my husband went. His therapist called on time. He is in Santa Fe at the New Life Healing Center.
I spoke his therapist a few days before and asked how I could best prepare and what I could or could not say. I was told I could speak freely.
Before the call I prayed for God to be in our conversation and vowed to not cause any harm while on the call and that I be protected and cared for in the best possible way.
His therapist started by saying, “Our call today will be about Peter, his recovery, how you are doing and what to do next when he leaves treatment.” He then said, “Diane, why don’t you start by telling us all your concerns.”
“What?” I thought to myself. I have not spoken to my husband in almost 20 days. I have no idea what he has been doing, what he is thinking, nothing…It felt like a very uncomfortable place to start. The old me would have started there.
Instead, I took a breathe and said, “I am not comfortable starting. I have no idea what work Peter has been doing. Plus I do not feel me expressing my ‘concerns’ is the best place to start and is actually quite negative and will set me up to talk about my anger. I am not interested in talking about my anger here. I am interested in talking about my hope that Peter and I both recognize that we need to take the best care of ourselves and whatever we need for each of our healing.”
The call went really well. I spoke honestly about my need for space, separation and healing. He therapist asked if I would consider reconciliation. I explained to his therapist that this is technically the 4th time I have asked my husband for a divorce. I believe for “both of our healing” we need to be separated to focus on ourselves. The separation will allow me to focus on my own self care and protection at this time due to this latest trauma I have endured. “
I told them I am interested in being an angry person. My hope is that Peter be the best Dad he can be and that all our spirits be cared for at this time and that we all emerge better people as a result of our separation.
I shared with them about how when my daughters have “big feelings” and want to cry that we stop whatever we are doing, cry and then find any rocks we can on the ground to make a pray circle. They are normally 3 inches big. Then the girls and I hold hands and pray that God take care of all of our hearts.
The therapist tried to end that sometimes we are put on this earth to find certain people to heal our deepest wounds together. I told him I honestly believed I was doing just that each time I re-entered this relationship, when I committed to working on the three years of marriage counseling to rebuild our life on better foundation. Each time we have worked on this issues (alcoholism, childhood sex abuse, poor communication, sex addiction). Peter continued to participate in his porn addiction the entire time. Our foundations we were “rebuilding” were always built on quicksand. I can not rebuild again. I have nothing more to give this relationship.
I cried a whole lot. I shared my sadness but remained, calm and steady even if my words were hard to say through my sobs. I feel that I said what I needed to, that I stated again that I am leaving and moving away to Texas with our girls. That we need space to build a safe and supportive new home.
I felt better after the call but have no idea what the future still holds. But I do believe that I will protected in all my decisions.
BTW, I am sober six years, I have worked the steps three times. I have sponsored several girls through the steps and have had the same sponsor for almost four years. I tell you this because that is the foundation I have learned from and draw upon now. I have done my work. I know that there are no more lessons to learn in this marriage. The lessons are to learn how to have the best boundaries I can with my husband.
What I have been told is that boundaries are not what I place on others – like don’t call, don’t visit, don’t whatever.
My boundaries are about how I will behave or not behave. My new boundaries are that no matter how poorly someone else is behaving I will not cuss, stream, stomp, fight, scratch, etc. I will always do my best to keep my spirt and heart in tact so I may be respectful, loving and kind.
I respect that Peter wants to get better for now. How long it will last I do not know. But God has given me a huge gift of peace tonight. We will see how it all plays out.
Thank you for your love and support as I grow this period of my life and hopefully emerge a new, stronger, kinder person. I do not want to loose my heart at this time.
Diane
Thank you so much for sharing, Diane. You sound very peaceful and self aware. I think you handled the call beautifully. Holding you up and holding your hand, we are with you on this painful journey. Try to get some rest, sister.
Thinking of you with much understanding and love,
SL
Diane,
You didn’t need our advice- sounds like you did beautifully.I’m curious- what did he and his therapist say?
Hi there,
just got in from Ontario. I’m back in Alberta now and just had to see how it went!
Didi I think you were fantastic, and I know it was really hard. But I could feel your strength in what you said. i could feel the power of your decision and it’s not based on anger it all. You gave all you could give. And now that’s over. It didn’t work. It didn’t make any difference, and you are brave enough to deal with that and make a decision that is filled with integrity and truth. Yes, it’s a terrible sad conversation to have. Many of us have had it. But you did with grace and honesty and none should think otherwise.
You are a new heroine for this site Didi. Boy, that didn’t take you long!!!! Your a heroine not because you left, but because you did what was right for you and honoured your own life. That takes courage.
here’s a big hug,
from the other Diane.I also have to say the the therapist made me puke. Especially that mumbo jumbo “we are put on this earth to find certain people to heal each other blah blah” No we aren’t. We are put on this earth to live an abundant life and, IMO, to become the goddesses we all are—holy, powerful, generous, living in grace, loving others as we love ourselves.
Okay I’m still not done.
I mean really. Yeah, let’s all go around and find ourselves a really sick bastard to heal. Good grief, there’s a hopeful approach to love. Once again, we are being made to serve the guy who won’t stop, won’t take responsibility, and won’t leave us alone. He is to become our purpose. And in order to make it sound like a mutual healing thing, they make up crap about us being co-addicts. Honestly, why is anybody this stuff??????????????
I am grateful for this site and support. I truly love that you are “checking in” to see how it went.
I actually danced around my sister’s living room I felt so good and clean after today’s call. It was a little “Kristen Wiig” jig and I am going to bed now because I am drained but grateful.
The therapist said I am a very wise woman and he honors the work I have done. What meant the most to me is that my therapist and spiritual guide also honor what I did. It feels so good.
Night Night,
DidiLove,
DidiDidi, YOU WERE AMAZING!!! I saw your first post and could not understand why you were afraid. I mean, this is a counseling center calling you. I’m sure you all paid a lot of money. What could possibly go wrong? You are bigger than this. Boy, was I wrong. I have so much to learn. I could not believe, my heart sank to my stomach when I read, “Diane, why don’t YOU start by telling us ALL your concerns.” WHAT ON EARTH? You pay money for this kind of help? Note to self: avoid New Mexico rehab. Maybe they do great with their clients, but the spouses? Then, you came back with unbelievable grace. You are precious, precious, precious DiDi.
And, other Diane, ditto, ditto, ditto about the crap that we are put on earth to help heal others.That therapist sounds a little codependent.
Didi- you brought up a good point about boundaries. We often think of boundaries as what we let people do to us (external) but they are also about our own feelings and reactions (internal). We’ve talked alot about those internal boundaries on this site- about allowing ourselves to feel guilty about things we shouldn’t feel guilty about or calling names in response to something our SA has done. Those boundaries are just as important and protective as the external ones.
You are doing a great job, Didi. You deserved that happy dance.
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