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Ok, this is totally off the cuff, but Meem’s thread, about new hurts every time, and the idea that we all post the same things in the beginning made me wonder:
Kubler-Ross has the stages of grief. This is like that, but not the same because there is no closure and walking away as a natural event. We have to somehow find the strength for that IN THE MIDST of the grief. We even have to battle against our own moral codes and belief systems to be able to do that in the face of all we’ve suffered. So we need different stages. And different skills. Here is a draft of what I’ve seen. Just for discussion. Of course there is probably a lot of documentation of something just like this, I just haven’t gotten that far in my reading.
Looking forward to everyone’s input. Is this what it’s been like for you? Remember, the stages do not have to be subsequent or in order. But are these things that you have experienced after SA disclosure/discovery?
Shock
Sorrow
Recognition (of events that now make sense, lies that you missed)
Rage
Reorganization (of your personal internal life, priorities, purposes)
Release (either detachment or divorce/separation)I figure that I am just plain old crazy. I would check myself into the loony bin if they would let me bring alcohol 🙂
shock
terror
hypervigilence
inconsolable grief
rage
frustration
desperation
denial
insomnia
couldn’t have people in my house
didn’t turn the lights onThank you Diane, so many of these apply.
The terror, I how in God’s name could I forget that terror that drove me down that black hole for days?
Selective protective memory, I guess
Disorientation: Suddenly I didn’t know where or who I was, who he was, what was real and what was not. My whole life and identity had been decimated.
I’ve integrated a lot of your comments. Is it a common experience that the sorrow is more a function of hoping to rebuild, and the rage is the driving factor for permanent breaks from SAs?
Shock
Denial
Disorientation
Terror – hypervigilence
Sorrow – inconsolable grief
Recognition (of events that now make sense, lies that you missed)
Desperation – Identity crisis – changes to appearance
Depression – didn’t turn the lights on – wore all black – insomnia – hair loss – blood pressure – thyroid -weight changes – isolation
social difficulties – couldn’t have people in my house
Rage – frustration
Reorganization (of your personal internal life, priorities, purposes)
Release (either detachment or divorce/separation)I think bargaining is a weird phase I went through too mixed in with all of the above. If I do xyz, then maybe he’ll abc.
I think bargaining is a weird phase I went through too mixed in with all of the above. If I do xyz, then maybe he’ll abc.
Don’t forget the part where some of us–for a while–take on the blame and shame because it makes us feel more in control. “If some of this is MY fault, then there’s a chance I can fix it…”
Shock
Denial
Disorientation
Self blame – shame by association
Terror – hypervigilence
Desperation – Identity crisis – changes to appearance
BargainingSorrow – inconsolable grief
Recognition (of events that now make sense, lies that you missed)
Depression – didn’t turn the lights on – wore all black – insomnia – hair loss – blood pressure – thyroid -weight changes – isolation
social difficulties – couldn’t have people in my house
Rage – frustration
Reorganization (of your personal internal life, priorities, purposes)
Release (either detachment or divorce/separation)
Rebuild – rebirth
I think I went through hopelessness too and maybe some self destruction (excessive xxxx) to numb the severe pain at times. I also would have inspirational moments of creativity writing (my poems) which I never had before, always hated English in school esp poetry, yet to help to release the pressure in my heart, one would just flow out and there it was.
Nap, I’m about to do an 8-week Poetry as Survival workshop at the center where I work. It’s to help people process trauma.
Good topic, Lynn. Isn’t it crazy that all of this isn’t considered traumatic “enough” to fall under a formal PTSD diagnosis in the DSM. Unbelievable.
March, you described the disorientation so well. For me, for about 6 months I felt like I had an actual hole in my head, this extreme emptiness where the part of my brain used to be, the part that once knew what was real and what was not. It felt like it had been absolutely shot out of my head.
Despair – a big one.
No future or time ahead – time literally didn’t exist past 2 days for me. It was one of the most strangest things I have experienced. No guarantee of tomorrow.
No control over my life – I felt like a puppet with strings anyone could pull. As if I was in the Trueman show. Someone had actually been playing God with my life for the past 10 years. It made me feel so helpless.
Horror
Violation
Contamination
Agony
Humiliation
Disbelief
Anxiety
Detective mode
Confusion
Frozen
Fear
Regret
Hope
Pleading with God
Physical pain
Loss of innocence
Injustice
Revenge
ExhaustionInsanity – for me I felt this from severe PTSD symptoms, specifically nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive images, triggered by everything and everywhere. HELL.
Also, as the emotional abuse ramps up/continues when there is no SA recovery –
Disintegration of self
Loss of self-esteem
Flawed / Ugly
Worthless
Alone
Not valued
Non-existent
Disposable
Replaceable
Used
Invisible
NothingMarch,
I think that is so wonderful. I hope maybe with permission you can share some with us. Your personal poetry is awesome and can really feel it.
Love, NapDear Vicoria – I very much relate to the Truman Show movie. As in someone else had set this fake reality, that looked so believable, so meticulously and deceptively born. We were the stars of their show. without payment or recogniiton, until we tested the boundaries of that world. and saw how false it was. For me:
Shock
PTSD – car crash fog effect for weeks. uncontrollable crying despair
Denial
Disorientation
Self blame – shame by association
Terror – hypervigilence- wanting check his whereabouts all the time/computer monitoring. never did that prior
Desperation – for him to recover. for him to choose me, choose better behavor. i threatened, I pleaded, i tried unconditional support/love. nothing worked. he just raged at me
Sorrow – that i would not have another child as planned.
Recognition (of events that now make sense, lies that you missed)
Depression – became zombie. shell of self.
Fear/Indecision – intense and paralyzing fear, indecision.
social difficulties – couldn’t have people in my house
Rage – frustration
Reorganization (of your personal internal life, priorities, purposes)
Release (either detachment or divorce/separation)
Rebuild – rebirthI think rebuild is the best stage we can reach with this.
Bev, really laughing out loud at “I would check myself into the loony bin if they would let me bring alcohol.” Oh man, that is bumper sticker material! I love it! 🙂
Victoria: Have you been reading my journal?? Almost every one of these words are in there:
“Flawed / Ugly
Worthless
Alone
Not valued
Non-existent
Disposable
Replaceable
Used
Invisible
Nothing”March & NAP: are your poems on this site somewhere? I’d love to read them if you’ve shared them here.
Nap wrote the best wedding dress poem. She shared it with me while I was drowning my sorrows in a bottle of crown on my 19th anniversary.
Victoria, that was incredibly powerful and cathartic for me to read your description. Sometimes we just need someone else’s words to give voice. That hole in the head image—God I understand it completely.
Yes, Humiliation. I’d forgotten. I felt so stupid and so used, so useless, so low, so worthless.And Pam C.—-!!!!!brilliant connection to the Truman Show!!!!!
That’s a movie which is one of the most disturbing films I know. And I now I’ve experienced it exactly now. The narcissism of that movie and the devaluing of Jim Carey’s characters whole life—it’s making me nauseous to think of it.You sisters are just so smart I can’t stand it.
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