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So I have a question… are any of my sisters here dealing with or have dealt with a SAH who only has an addiction to porn? As far as I know my SAH has NEVER gone further than the porn (which is bad enough)but as I read thru the comments, profiles, etc I see lots and lots of stories where porn is just one asspect of what they are up against…
nope, much more for my DA. a porn addiction is really serious though. porn really messes with their brains.
his worst binges seemed to follow steady porn habits…
compulsive sexual behaviour has a trajectory, it escalates. eventually porn isn’t enough
Nope, my H started with porn 30 years ago. By the time I caught him he had hookers, strippers, random bar pick ups and phone sex….
I am very skeptical of the “just porn” crowd. I am NOT saying your h is lying. I am saying that I would assume he is lying and work from that premiss. PoSARC site ( linked from this site) has an excellent overview of the just porn guys. It is full of valuable info. You should def read it.
I thought I was just dealing with a porn addiction from 2005-2011. It turns out that I only knew about the tip of the iceberg. Porn was just the easiest thing to stumble across, apparently. He lied to me, therapists, and his 12 Step group about the rest.
Mine has a 40 year porn habit, I did not discover that until I started finding out about all the women he had been with.
He is the master of deception.At the moment, all I have discovered is porn and online sex chats. Although there were requests to meet in some of the emails I stumbled across, I have (as yet) no evidence that he acted out offline (though I’m not ruling it out).
Even though all I know so far is virtual, it does not hurt any less in terms of my marriage. It is energy expended elsewhere while I have been working at our relationship. It is deceit and dishonesty while we were undergoing couples counselling. It is a lack of effort to man up and engage in the relationship, retreating to his compulsion every time the going got tough or there was a perceived slight.
You might THINK it doesn’t hurt any less, but I’m here to say that when you find out actual, live, in-the-flesh women are involved, the pain becomes exponential.
Have you seen the porn he’s looking at?
Porn addiction is also an escalating thing, in other words, he needs more extreme stuff to get off after a while.
And then he needs something more than porn.
It’s just awful and I’m really sorry.Thanks for the PoSARC info Bev… I’ll check it out. Lynn… I feel the same way that you to… very similar stories from what i can tell. Diane, I have seen the porn he’s looking at… haven’t seen escalation yet. When I discovered the problem… he switched from watching video to only looking at pix thinking that that would be easier on me to deal with… I told him to me it is actually worse becuz is solidifies my stance that he is cheating on me in his head with these ‘girls’. None of it makes me feel better…
And thanks to all my other sisters for sharing!What a guy, how thoughtful to take your feelings into consideration and switch from videos to ‘only’ looking at pics. Not to be Debbie Downer here, but I would imagine the % of SA’s on here that ‘only’ do the porn thing (vs. going ‘live’) is roughly equivalent to the % of successful recovery stories.
My xh only looked at ‘pictorial’ (tasteful) porn. That is what he told his therapist in front of me. I just about barfed.
“Tasteful Porn”…I love it. I think I wopuld offer him a bowl of “tasteful shit” for dinner. Salt, pepper, dog poop…
Mine was an in-the-flesh kind of guy. One night stands, and affairs. I think he has had a porn issue in the past but am not aware of him going down that road recently. As far as I know he never paid for sex. Can’t see why he would – the female/male ratio here in Oakland is ridiculous, and he’s widely considered a good-looking and pretty desirable guy. Why pay for what he can get for free.
Mine also, although I don’t think he did a lot of porn viewing while we were together, would obsessively check women out on FB. He would get fixated on one or two attractive female acquaintances/past lovers at a time and look at their pictures.
Mine confided to me on his own last year that he had a porn addiction. Said he’d never paid for it, but that he viewed it constantly. Seemed very sincere, not a doubt in my mind. The real story was infinitely worse.
re: the fb obsession, mine too! in his first few months of ‘sobriety’ 90% of his new face book friends were young attractive female musicians that he had never met…
CREEEEEEPY!
For me, my Xh started with porn (dads magazines) at around 10-12, then by 15-16 had his first prostitute and it’s been a green light ever since. Of course, when I married him I was 27 and he was 25. I had no idea he’d been porkin (thanks Annie!) prostitutes already for 10 yrs. Hes really done it ‘all’ I’m sure based on what I know. I think like Liza said, very few are just porn, many move on to live bodies. Some may not and just escalate the kind of porn they watch. I don’t really know for sure. I’m going to go eat some chocolate now 🙂
Mine not only looked at porn – lots of porn, he started keeping a detailed spread sheet on the women he liked – name, measurements, age, birth place, whether they did men, women, anal and what porn sites they could be found on. When I copied a page of the file for my records, the Excel cell numbers were in the 1000’s. He does a lot of work with Excel for his job and I used to ask him to help me when I had to use it. I referred to him as “The King of Excel.” Little did I know. It makes me sad and angry to think of all the wasted hours he spent with his dirty spread sheet (and the name itself is ironic, I know), that could have been spent with his wife and kids. I have no idea how long he’s been using porn. Since as long as I’ve know him I would guess and we met when we were 17-18. He went live with affairs and with strip clubs and then affair(s?) with strippers. That’s it as far as I know right now.
Yep, you got that right Teri. That’s why I walk around with my shoulders hunched up over my ears – waiting for the next attack…
That’s no way to live.
I am enjoying my STBX being gone so much- it’s the first time in goodness knows how long I’ve felt free.
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