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I hope I can get there one day, I have filed for divorce and I know I am through half of the battle but the battle is not over yet, and I don’t know if it will ever be over? I have very small children with this man so he will be in my life one way or another for ever it seems
Do you feel that you will ever reach that place where those men will become complete strangers and whatever they do it matters nothing to you?Harmony,
With young children I think it is harder to be completely void of them, however, being divorced from him will releave you from the day-to-day madness and drama they tend to create. As time passes after the divorce, I think the greater the emotional detachment.Harmony,
I can answer that from my own experience. My SA dad divorced my mother when I was 5 (she was getting in the way of his fun). He was a part of her life regularly until we were 18. Right after the divorce, he was around quite a bit for the first few years, but as we got older, he spent less time with us. That doesn’t mean he didn’t find other ways to make her crazy- not sending the child support, fighting her on custody over and over, not showing up when he said he would, etc. Sometimes, he would set up visitation for a weekend, he wouldn’t show up to pick us up, and we wouldn’t hear from him until Sunday when he would call to say he had decided to spend the weekend with his girlfriend instead. He would take us when he went out partying (my brother and I were age 4 and 6), leave us in the car while he went in and drank and hit on women. We went home and told my mom, and she, of course, had to figure out how to handle it. He was a nightmare.After my brother and I turned 18, he was around less and less. Yet he still managed to turn up around holidays. My brother could never understand why my mom wouldn’t want him around, so he would invite him over and the ahole would show up. And of course, he was there acting like a child for every graduation, wedding, etc. He showed up at the hospital when my mom was dying of cancer, walked into her room, and said very loudly, “Someone ought to pull the plug.”
So, my answer for you, is that the relationship will change, but it will never go away.
how does the relationship work when you have small children with them? I really don’t feel comfortable with my kids being left alone with him.
I had as little contact as possible with my first h after we divorced. He wasn’t that interested in the kids anyway, and as they got older THEY cut HIM off. Now, every child with him is over 18 and I have NOTHING to do with him. Can’t remember the last time I had to talk to him, but it’s been years. The girls hate him and my son merely tolerates him because dad is on the hook to pay for his college. It’s possible Jack (my son) would invite him to his wedding one day, but I could give a shit.
March, your first h must not do the public temper tantrums then?
I guess my brother not cutting him out is what kept my dad in our lives. My dad even had my brother demanding that he get all my mom’s things when she died.
It’s a lot easier when the kids can see them for who they really are. My brother did eventually get wise. He no longer is in contact with our dad.
Karen you probably need to act like you have multiple personalities. If I had small children I would cooperate as much as possible to get any dirt you can on him. Make copies. Get proof. I don’t know your situation, I just know that proof is power when it comes to kids. Will he agree to a lie detector test? Get enough proof to bargain for that.
In a perfect world they would man up and find a way to co parent and allow your kids to blossom as normal as possible. But that would take maturity, and most of them are stuck at 14 years old emotionally, when the addiction started.
teri, thanks for sharing your experience, my god your father was a nightmare, and even though he was out of your life by age 5, i feel that he still had an impact,,,,
I think what I aim for is that we reach a day were we are emotionally completely detached from these immoral men,
March do you feel you got to the point of being completely emotionally detached from him?
are your kids completely detached from him and his emotional mainpulation and abuse? or do they resent him?Karen, I have small children and I Feel the same way, I am not sure what I am going to do about it yet, I am learning
Heidi, only if they man up, which seems to be an impossible dreamGood question on will we ever be free from Sa sickos. divorce really isn’t even enough to be free , but it’s a great start.
i think maybe the process is gradual. as we find our own paths the further and further we are removed from them, and the less impact they have on our life.
i think boundary setting must continue, and is even more important for those of us with kids and exsah. we need to keep establishing our parameters, what we will accept, what we won’t. and make sure our financial needs, and needs of our children our met. i mean we are going to have to coparent, and cooperate.
i had a thought today on co-parenting. everyone says “don’t talk about the other parent, it only hurts the children”
well not completely true. our children need to know that dad is not ok sometimes, and can’t always be trusted. not because i am bad mouthing, but because it protects them. they need awareness in my opinion, so open communication will continue and they can alert us if something is wrong.
plus, if they were so great, why are we divorcing? i think kids need to know we made the right judgment call, for x y and z reasons. whatever is age appropriate. cuz, Gawd knows the exsah are going re paint history. i am drilling the truth in NOW — about who’s who. not to make her hate him, but so she know who I am.
just sayin…
I agree Pam. I think that constantly saying some jackass is not a jackass, because he/she is their parent, simply confuses the kid more. I don’t think it is helpful to denigate a child’s parent BUT assigning good qualities where none exist is also not helpful. We should strive to be honest with our children and let them draw their own conclusions based on what they experience.That’s my take. KAREN XX
denigrate??? God..ever since I ran out of estrogen I cannot spell or understand proper English! 🙁 Funny…I used to win all the spelling bees? Now I think Custard is a military figure 🙁
Pam I agree with SL, you are really smart,
the kids are really smart too and they know something is wrong with dad but they can not verbalize it, I think when you explain things to them that help them to put words that they dont have for their feelings and observations about the dad
how are you wording it Pam?well, so far I tell my daughter that we can’t always trust Dad. that his behavior was not ok, – while living there and that it was not safe-.
i also talk to her about “manipulation”. what that means, and how he uses it. she needs to understand how he plays ball–right now. if i know he is manipulating and threatening me, or me doing something with her–to get what he wants– i explain exactly what he is doing.
she’s just like, oh, Dad is being the devil again. I’m like yeah, he is. and that is that.
He is in for such a rude awakening when she is older. she won’t fall for his shit for aminute. i hope.
Also, I use humor a lot, and make fun of him in a funny way, and we laugh. truly the stuff is so heavy, she has heard and seen, anything that makes it seems lighter, like if you can laugh about it, it can’t be that bad. seems to be working and theraputic. too.
it is what it is. glad for your support. – all– all so smart h- it is ridic.
the exsah/narcs they will indeed try parental alienation tactics. or, want custody to stop paying child support, or get child support. it all about that. so i think if we prepare our children now as best we can, as to what manipulation is, what lying is, who We are, and not who exsah’s say we are, i think it will be good.
also, we gotta manipulate back. i am hoping to turn the tables. as of present, i am the preferred parent for sure.
Pam-
What you are doing sounds great. You have to make sure kids know that it okay to talk about this stuff. You can point out the things that people do that drive you nuts or are not okay without resorting to namecalling.
If kids don’t think they can talk about it and all they hear are good things about the other parent, they can easily turn what they are experiencing inside and blame themselves or think that there is something wrong with them.
What these bastards don’t realize is that we don’t have to try to alienate our kids- they do damn well all by themselves.
so True Terry. these guys often do alienate the children all on their own. and say it’s our fault — go figure.
funny thing. ex says because “i am so difficult” Jacqleen is not going to want to live me as a teenager. she will want to live with Dad.
used to scare me. i would wonder — is that true?once again he defiles himself with every blame game. i believe he is talking about himself. Imean keep up your lifestyle, irresponsible behavior, and torturing your child’s mother– see where that gets you.
she said last night, when I am 19 i am moving out Dad. he said you can live with me until your 25, after college. She said, no, I am moving out when I am 19.
she outta there already. and she’s only six. Plus, tuesday night is his night. she asked to come to my house. he agreed. (i am playing very nice w him btw). i think it says volumes, about how she sees who’s who. honestly, I only hope it lasts, and he does not cloud her judgment.
plus, wait until she is teenager and challenges his authority and his decisons. and his control is compromised and/or challenged. look out—
I mean I am a feisty one at times. And i can be argumentative, for sure. I argued a TON w my mom in adolescence. but i believe i’ve learned from history, and know what to do to keep if from repeating itself.
she’s such a dynamite little girl. Super sweet. Funny. But tells people off when needed.
i know I am rambling – but at the pool this wknd a little boy was giving her hard time/teasing. J says “HEY! quit it already– I told you once already–knock it off.”
he did. Go J.
pam
“plus, wait until she is teenager and challenges his authority and his decisons. and his control is compromised and/or challenged. look out—”
i have had this very same thought! i guess we’ll see…
Pam, I love what you are doing, I think there is nothing wrong with educating our kids about people and the good , the bad, and the ugly, and if it happens that their dad falls into the category of bad or ugly they need to know it, they have to learn early on to think of themselves as a completely separate entity than their dad and that what he does, will not reflect on them or who they are or what they want to be,,,,
I use stories to educate my kids on people and their behaviors, I am very good at making children stories, so I put in there characters that are similar to their dad, and explain how those certain behaviors are bad and we should not tolerate them,,,,
they are terrified from their dad, they are always at their best behaviors when they around him actually he used to blame me that I can not control them while he can, he also would try to tell me that when they are teenagers I will not be able to handle them and hence he has to be so present in their lives,,bullshit, I can handle them perfectly fine and I direct them well in life but I dont scare them they do feel so free to do what they want to do around me and yet, they are very well behaved, respectful kids,,,I might start though talking to them about their dad behaviors in more specific ways and help them to learn to stand up to him, he is very intimidating in general
Harmony I think it sounds like a great plan. I think we are all learning what works, what doesn’t. I am following my instincts and just trying into make our lives as peaceful and safe as possible.
the funny thing is, i know my ex does love her. I mean pictures of her all over FB– he is a proud dad. on a positive note, there is that side to him. plus, i ultimately believe my ex is so utterly ashamed of himself in so many ways, that she is the one thing he hangs on to. she is the anchor for him in many ways. i never held enough weight. evidently.
but on the other hand. if she held the proper place in his life that she should, well there would be no substance abue or hanky panky or abusive controlling behaviors. there would be a guy, who still had is family around. and could enjoy it.
i like your children’s story idea. I know your sweet ones are young. what makes these guys think we can’t handle our kids? we handled these jackasses. our kids will be like a trip to the mall.
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