- This topic has 48 replies, 20 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 4 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
I am new to the site, but unfortunately not new to the issues everyone here is struggling against. I am married to a SA, and after 6 years of dealing with his behavior he is still in denial. Just this morning I received a text from him that read as follows. “I don’t understand how my intense love and affection for you can coexist with my destructive actions. I have to find out if that is the true definition of a sex addict. If that ends up being the result then I will be horrified that I am something I don’t want to be. It will also be the end of the best thing in my life. I refuse to subject you to the life that you so eloquently described. I love you too much for that fate.”
I am not sure how he can still manage to have doubt about his own condition after all of this time. And yet … there it is.
I pulled all of the written documentation I have kept over the years between my husband and me on this topic. I have many of the emails he sent to others on datings sites, craigslist, and the like. I have copies of the various dating site registration notices. I have kept it all to serve as a reminder to myself of just how chronic and neverending his addiction has been and continues to be. I realized I could probably write a pretty fascinating book if I were so inclined with all of this material I have collected.
I also pulled all of the forms needed to initiate a divorce. He knows this, and he is pleading with me to give him time to get help before I file. We live in California, and there is a 6-month waiting period before a divorce in our state can be finalized. I reminded him that I have not rushed towards a divorce. In fact, I have given him more time than any reasonable person could ever justify to get his behavior under control – but to no avail. I told him that I don’t see any reason to hold off on filing. The State (not I) has granted him 6 months to take action before it will be finalized, and I suggested that he use that time wisely.
Ironically, it was at that point that he asked me to not leave him because he is sick. So is he sick when it helps his cause, and in denial about being sick when it damages his sense of self?
So I have the forms ready to take to the courthouse. They have been ready for a week now. I have not gone yet. I love this sick man I am married to, and I do believe he is indeed sick and plagued by an addiction. But the reality of what I will have to do for the rest of my life with him to cope with this sickness is so incredibly daunting. Joann’s story of how she monitors her husband, and the commitment she made to never leave him no matter what is very likely what my future will hold if I stay with him. I believe he too has a fear of abandonment. His mother left his father and his two siblings when they were young and he was the baby of the group. I am certain this triggered much of his struggles today.
We have no children. But I feel as if my husband is my child – requiring constant monitoring and reassurance. This is certainly not what I signed up for, but it is what I got.
In any case, whether I take those papers to the courthouse or not is yet to be seen. I have put the responsibility on his shoulders to take tangible actions to address his behavior. I have set my boundaries firmly. I am working hard to remain resolved and to focus on what I need to be sane and productive. But as you all know, it is work, difficult heartwrenching work.
I wish you all strength and wisdom to do what you need to do in each of your situations.
Gabby
Gabby,
After 6 years he is still in denial? Wow!!! He is really slow. Do you still live together?
He may not be a sex addict – but a narcissist, or is “impulsive” (like Joann’s hubby). No doubt he is sick if he does things that hurts those that he purports to love.
Gabby – my husband was in denial about his “problem” for 6 months (Nov to April of this year) and that was the longest six months of my life. How in the world have you survived for 6 years? I think the denial is worse than the actual actions.
Big hugs to you….I’d say that you have put up with enough – it’s now time for you to take care of yourself. You can always file and take it back if he turns the corner.
But as wise SL said – if he became Jesus Christ tomorrow, could you forgive him for his past “stuff”? I think that’s the question of the hour. Some women on here can and others can’t. That’s the first step. The second step is to see what his “recovery” looks like and if it’s real – and he isn’t even on the recovery bike yet.
Deb
Gabby,
I know it doesn’t make much impact, but we ALL loved these men. You are not unique in that. It feels like it’s unique because it’s your love in your life. But we all loved them. We all “are exceptions” in our own heads, but in reality, we are not in an exceptional relationship with a sex addict/compulsive. They are horribly predictable and the same. That is one of the great areas of both relief (when you realize you aren’t crazy) and grief (when you realize your relationship with your sex addict/compulsive isn’t really very special at all) . These are hard moments.
Most of us find the love is very hard to lose. It lessens, and for some does disappear altogether. But many of us live knowing how great was our love for this person, and great was the betrayal of that love, in a betrayal that gave these men nothing of any value we can recognize. It’s not even another woman we might “diss” but even still know that love and attraction is a mystery. It’s something unworthy of our betrayal. And that’s the kicker.
IMO
D.Thanks Deb,
We do live together. However, he was out of work for a couple of months, and given the economy that really took a toll on our finances. Therefore, he took the first job that came along, and is working 5 hours North of our home during the week. As you know, that kind of distance is a breeding ground for oppotunities to act out. Of course, when they set their mind to acting out, they don’t really need to be 5 hours away to do it either.
He knows he has a problem – but he is in denial about the seriousness of it, and really resists putting a name on it. Especially a name so damning as Sex Addict. He went to counseling a couple of years ago. It helped. But you cannot treat this for a few months and call it cured.
He feels he is better than he was. He is not on any dating sites (as far as I know – and isn’t that the standard caveat for all of us), but he seeks out “massage” providers quite regularly. He has a physically demanding job – I cannot deny him that – and is sore at the end of the day. And so of course, that is his excuse. However, it is NO excuse. There is no justifiable explanation ever for betrayal. It plays right into his denial, that this is somehow a lesser and understandable offense, and therefore not the action of a SA.
I can see the phone records and have a way to see what he is searching for on his laptop even while he is away during the week. If he isn’t looking for a prostitute (errr a masseuse) on redbook or the backpage, then he is reading literotica or watching extreme porn. Funny – but I have yet to see any search history related to getting counseling.
So you are right – he needs to get on the recovery bike – and stay on it – if there is any hope for our marriage. On that point I have been clear with him, denial or not, and I am waiting to see if he can do it without me leading him to the next step.
Oh Gabby – you know he is looking up “masseuses” on Redbook and watching extreme porn? How does that make you feel?
Hun – you deserve so much more. This will only get worse (if it hasn’t already).
File the papers and never look back. You gave him many chances and he blew it. Run, run, run….. we will hold your hand.
Are you in Northern or Southern CA? I just moved from Northern CA or I would come take you to the courthouse.
Deb
Hi Gabby and a warm welcome! I completely agree with Diane. Love cann’t fix this problem. If you stay, you are more likely to live a life where your love is never returned. And that’s heartwrenching, Gabby.
gabby,
it is very valuable that you recognize your h’s denial. however at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what we recognize in them, but what we know for ourselves.
what we need. what we want. our own denial. this is what we can control.
seize hold of your life. drive in your own car for a while. get in the life boat and leave him on the ship.
i don’t know if there is hope for your relationship, but there is hope for you. focus on that like it means life or death to you.
love
lisa
Of course the things he is doing make me feel devalued and devastated. I am way past the blinding anger that used to consume me. I live in more of a numb place now. I don’t constantly monitor him, but I have the tools in place to confirm things when my intincts are triggered. And my instincts are always confirmed.
So far I am hearing that my best course of action is to get out. Well clearly this is no path anyone would purposely choose. It is a path that I suddenly found myself on. Too far down the path to simply turnaround and go back. What has happened has happened and cannot be undone. So the question is … do I just forget about the lifelong commitment I made when i said “I Do?” I realize divorce is incredibly common today – easily accepted and almost expected half the time. But I have not threatened divorce lightly. I don’t want a divorce. But I am at a point where I am not sure if there is any other road I can take and live with a peaceful heart.
I know love cannot fix his problem. I know addicts are addicts for life – whether it is alcohol or chemical or this. And I think about successful recovering alcoholics. The one thing they do to keep it under control is to never ever have a drink – not even a sip – never. One would naturally think then that Sex Addicts would also have to abstain from all things sexual in order to stay “sober.” And that would mean even with their wife. Well of course that is not realistic. So how does the sexual relationship between a recovering SA and his wife look? Can it ever work?
OK – that went a little off track of my original point – but is something I often wonder about. My real question here is whether I have any viable options beyond a divorce. At this point, a divorce is the easy way out for me. No children to worry about. Just financial entanglements – which is not easy – but can be dealt with. Divorce is an answer. But call me old fashioned, I married him for life (sickness and health and all that crap. But I meant it). It turns out he is sick. And that does not mean he is not responsible for managing his own illness. He needs to do that, and he is not doing so right now. If he were diabetic and not taking his insulin, he would die. As a SA, he is not managing his compulsions and triggers, and as result, our marriage will ultimately die. If he does not do the work, there is no question that I will file for a divorce.
Meanwhile, I am tettering on the edge, trying to decide if I am ready to turn my back and leave right now – or to stay and give him the time he has requested to do that work. I guess I was hoping to find some stories of success, if you can call it that, among the stories of torment. Some strategies and treatment options that could make it possibly worth fighting for my marriage. I know there are no stories of joyous happy ever afters to be found involving a SA. But are there any that provide some glimmer of hope? Before I take those papers to be filed, I want to know in my heart that I really had no other recourse.
Hi Gabby and Welcome.
He probably won’t get serious until you actually file. Even then, it appears he can’t do it on his own. Sounds like he needs to be seeing a CSAT therapist who can help him set up a program. The other option is to send him away to an intensive, but since he just started a new job and money is tight, that may not be a possiblitlity.
My SA would not have gotten to where he is today (almost 2 years in recovery) had it not been for his initial treatment and psychological examination by Dr. Minwalla at the Institute for Sexual Health in Beverly Hills.
Thinking of you, Claire
Maybe he is an asshole that is taking advantage of your loving nature. Maybe by staying with him you are enabling him to live his life on “backpages”. If he were a child, wouldn`t you agree to tough love to stop your son from killing himself with crack? Or, would you keep making excuses as he died a slow death?
Kick his ass to the curb. Get your divorce. If that doesn`t get him into serious counseling then nothing will. You can always remarry him if you want.
Sorry if I made you angry. It is said with love and concern.
It doesn’t make me mad at all. I think about kicking his sick perverted ass to the curb every single day! And I have really looked at everything I do with scrutiny. Enabling is a funny thing. I obviously don’t want to do anything that makes it easier for him to do these things. But you can turn just about anything around to suit one’s purpose if you try hard enough.
I appreciate the honest comments and am not looking for anything but that. So thank you!
You are his rock. You are the person that knows it all and still loves him. He will either run for help without you and try to get you back or he will turn to the darkside and never return. You also give him the needed drama to make cheating fun and exciting. Where is the fun in cheating when there is no one to cheat on?
Please don`t quit the site and send Joann an angry e-mail because I am being blunt. It just sounded to me like you are ann honest gal and you could take the honesty. If I misread you I am sooooo sorry.
If you stay with him the rest of your life, I will be here to comfort you when/if he hurts you again. I am not judging you Gabby. My life is too big of a mess for me to judge anyone 🙂
If I wanted sugarcoated lies I can get plenty of them here at home. I am his rock – you are right about that. And I was reading a response to your post, and she essentially said maybe he is asking you for more time to save face and put off the ineveitable time when others in his life discover his life is not so perfect — he is not so perfect. I think that may be true in my case as well.
I also see that so many of you are trying to deal with this because of your children. I am so sorry that you are in such a terrible situation and I wish I could take that away for you and your children. You probably read my story and think what the hell is she waiting for? No kids? She should run fast and hard. I probably should.
Anyway – say anything you like to me. I will not be sending JoAnn any angry emails. 🙂 I need to hear it.
By the way – I live in San Diego. So Deb is too far to go with me to the courthouse, if/when I do. But would love to find others in my area that need a friend in mutual crisis.
Gabby,
If you ever come up north of Bakersfield, we could get together. I live in Porterville, CA (north of Bakersfield, south of Fresno).
Claire
Well I don’t get to Porterville very often. In fact I have never been there. But Visalia is a possiblity. But here is the real irony – Porterville is where my H is working right now. Maybe you could slap some sense into him for me? 🙂
Gabby, good for you that you are jumping right in. This is a great place to get a variety of opinions, as you can tell. Some of us are staying and trying to work things out, others decided to move on and others had that decision made for them. There isn’t an easy answer, and the SA is always the wild card because you really don’t know what they will do or what you will discover next.
You just need to figure out what you need, trust your gut, and do it. It may take alot of talking and listening to figure it all out, and we are here to help you do that (or we’ll do our best anyway!).
You already have quite a bit of clarity about the issues. I think we will have plenty to learn from you.
Well, I’m just going to say HOW FULL OF SHIT your SA is, Gabby. He’s fine with cheating on you constantly for YEARS, but he would never burden you with living with a sex addict?! Ass, meet curb.
I go to Visalia from time to time. Would love to have coffee with ya. What kind of work is he doing in Porterville?
Oh, and while I’m ranting, none of us who have divorced or who are contemplating it made the decision lightly. The LAST thing I wanted to do was get a divorce. I married for LIFE. Problem is, a MARRIAGE takes two people. Here, only one is married.
Gabby, I’ve known for 2.5 months about my husband’s addictions/compulsions. I firmly believe in “in sickness and in health” and I firmly believe in his illness. I also believe his past actions could still do a big number on my health and are a form of spousal abuse. I hope to draw the line and leave if he continues in his behavior, which I don’t think he is doing presently. The reason I will leave is because I don’t believe in staying in an abusive relationship, even if the abuse is caused by an illness. My health comes before his – self-preservation.
I finally have realized my xh ‘secret life’ was his real life and I was his fake life. No thanks buster.
- The forum ‘Stories’ is closed to new topics and replies.