What do you think of Sexual Addicts Anonymous

My STBX lied to everyone at his meetings and his sponsor, so I really can’t say much. I think he learned how to hide stuff better and he also probably met some of his current “fakefuck friends” if there is anything he says that is to be believed.

Dumb-Ass

SAA scares be to death…. mostly because so many of them are co-ed… what the hell….. you put sexually addicted men and women together, where phone numbers are exchanged., etc…. who thought this would be a good idea? To make the these groups co-ed… to me it sounds like a disaster waiting to happen!

My SAH initially went to SAA groups and decided he wasn’t an addict because everyone was so much worse and thought about sex every day. (god knows how he managed to decide that years of prostitutes, 3 affairs, and craigslist ads wasn’t that bad). I could have strangled the so called sponsor that told him that.

But then I learned that the sponsor never said that. A few months later, my SAH then went to SLAA (made him feel better because it also included affair vs. just porn guys) and he came out of denial and began to take responsibility. So, in that sense, it really helped a lot.

I’d say that 12 step programs can be very useful. I think they are probably more useful for people who don’t have a huge personality disorder that is driving the SA – and if they do, then therapy is needed in addition to 12 step groups to help with the PD.

I think the biggest benefits from 12 step programs are:

1) They help to teach folks that their addiction/compulsion is very serious – and bigger than they ever thought (the “powerless” thing) and that they can’t control it without a lot of effort and support from others and from God.

2) It also makes the person look deep into their past to start to unravel why they have a huge hole in their soul that they fill with sex, alcohol, drugs, etc.

3) It gives them an accountability partner to help guide them when they obsess about their addiction and head toward a relapse. There is something about a “group” consciousness that can help.

4) It encourages transparency (for the most part). (I choose to ignore the “except when it may hurt others” – from what I hear was Bill’s way of pushing his SA stuff under the rug).

5) It helps addicts get out of isolation mode. My SAH became very isolated from friends when he was really into his SA activities.

I’m sure there are others….and SAs can certainly hide behind the facade of recovery – but as others have mentioned, you can usually feel and ascertain fake recovery from a real one. (or at least I’ve been told that).

Bev – you are a tough woman – and he has every reason to be scared of you!

Deb

My STBX went to SLAA, too, for his fake recovery. I don’t see how prostitutes and orgies fall in the “love” category. I actually think it’s kind of funny that HE thinks that way.

I’m with Bev… I had actually forgotten that I was tough. The sisters here have certainly helped me remember that… and build on it. Believe it or not… Al-Anon meetings helped me (a little) with that too. Mostly because I have made a dear friend from the meetings (who is also there because of porn/sex addiction). There is noting in our area at all for SA or S-Anon!
Penny…. good luck no matter what happens. My SAH does not go to SAA meetings (his choice because of the co-ed thing… which I can TOTALLY support) but he is in counseling, working the steps, reading the books… and the therapist is working on putting together a group in our area that is just for men… and my ‘sponsor’ from Al-Anon has a hubby who is military, like my SAH, has a porn/sex addiction but is doing really well in recovery, has done tours in Iraq and went thru PTSD as a result… just like my SAH…. so it looks like he may be able to become a sponsor or at least an accountability partner for my H.
Natale

penny,

you are going through so much! preparing for disclosure? he’s admitting he’s an addict/compulsive?

wow, i hope you are doing alright in all of this, taking care of yourself etc.

at this stage, i hate so many things about this process. the terminology, the meetings the counsellors. i used to beg my husband to go to meetings, and was upset about his terrible attitude when he went.

now he is excited to go, he looks forward to meeting his friends.

so, reluctantly, even though i hate calling it an addiction, hate thinking that he is powerless (he can stop now can’t he? or at least i think he can..), i have to admit that the 12 step program is doing a lot of great things for my husband.

he has friends now. i don’t want to meet these people (a bunch of out of control PDs who have also shredded the hearts of the ones they love?), but my husband has people he can really talk to, perhaps for the first time.

it still bugs me that he had to get to this awful spot to actually reach out to people, and it bugs me he didn’t make real friends before, or -gasp- talk to me, but there it is.

there’s one coed meeting here. i actually went in the early stages. i didn’t say anything, i think they thought i was an addict. it was actually very sweet, a bunch of men talking about their feelings. being pretty honest.

my husband is 10 times the father he was 6 months ago. my son is relaxing around him and starting to trust him, because sah isn’t raging now. if they will start again when my husband regains his sense of power, i don’t know, but i’m happy to see my son more at ease with his dad.

so, i would say the 12 step program can be a good thing, if your husband is serious about making changes.

my hopes for the 12 step program is that my sah will be a better dad, a better person and, most likely, a better x husband.

sigh.

it was so nice to meet you here in vancouver, i’ve thought about you often. how is your health? how are you doing? make sure you have lots of after care after the disclosure. take whatever you need. i took three days on a gorgeous island by myself. i had a face massage, bought expensive wine and cheese went out for dinner every night.. went for long bike rides, it was lovely, and the retreat helped me a lot.

lisa

Oh my God Penny. What the fuck. If I were in your shoes I’d make the S.O.B. deposit a check for that amount in MY bank account as a condition for staying in the marriage. And if he
doesn’t have it now then have him give you sole ownership of equivalent value, i.e. property, retirement funds, etc. And if he balks? Tell him to go fuck himself. I’m SO over this shit.

So, I must tell you that for my SAH I think it is really good. I dont mean the 12 steps – that crap irritates me…but …my SAH went to residential treatment and is now in tons of therapy and goes to these meetings. It is helping because he has a support group to reach out to when things get tough for him. I cant be that support and I dont want to be.

So for us it is a great addition to treatment – but definitely not a cure-all

Penny,

I really don’t think that the co-ed thing is the main issue, I think the biggest issue is the concept of the 12 steps in general.

But, I will concede that there are some success stories with alcoholics who have used the 12 step model to get sober, and I commend all who have faced that challenge and overcome it. I will not voice my issues with 12 step programs as it pertains to alcoholics because that is not what we are discussing here.

When we look at what we call Sex Addiction, the 12 step programs seem to have morphed into an entirely different monster from the original AA model.

From what I have heard about 12 step AA programs, if you walk in under the influence you will be challenged and held accountable. You cannot come to meeting after meeting drunk, or share that you have been drinking.

Yet, I can tell you from a decade of Larry’s experiences with all of the SA 12 step groups in three different states (Wisconsin, Washington and Missouri) there is no accountability for the members when it comets to ‘falling off the wagon’.

My worst memories are stories of a female SA coming to meetings in St. Louis week after week and sharing how
she had found her new ‘acting out partner’. She shared
her escapades every week and no one ever challenged
her or asked her to leave. Instead these SA men would
follow her out after the meeting to talk (flirt) with her.

In the St. Louis meetings Larry told me about the men who came and shared about acting out and how they expected to act out (because they were powerless).

These were men who had been coming to meetings for 5 to 10 years and whose wives were downstairs in the COSA meetings (which I attended twice). These men continued to act out yet their wives blissfully talked about how THEY were working on their issues so their marriages would get better.

The 12 step model has major flaws, but when used with
Personality Disordered Sex Addicts, it actually allows the SA to continue their bad behaviors because in their twisted reasoning they are ‘powerless’ to resist; gain acceptance of these behaviors from their peers (fellow 12 step Sex Addicts) and give their partners a false sense that they are in recovery simply because they are attending meetings.

Personally I think they do much more harm than good with when used for Sex Addiction. ~ JoAnn

Would it be better if they just went to AA instead? Or incorporated AA into their meeting schedule. It has me wondering.

I find it extremely detrimental how “slipping” is so “normal”, accepted and common in SA and SAA – the only things a sponsor or member will usually say is “So what was your emotion you were medicating? Get back on the horse – learn from it, it’s not a waste….” x repeat every 1-2 weeks. But honestly – seriously, there NEEDS to be proper long-term sobriety for any changes or improvements to be made, most importantly for actual detoxifying their brain so it can begin to repair/re-wire!

Anyway, my SA uses the meetings mainly for treating his depression than stopping his behaviors. It’s all about his mood for him. He goes 3 times per week. Him and others, frequently lie to the group.