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hi all
so unbelievably bummed out today. went to pick up daughter last night. exsah said he needed to talk to me. that he had been lying. i told him we weren’t together, and i didn’t need to know what he does with his life. well i somehow got conned into listening.
been on a bendr over weekend. acted out. (got f8cked by tranny) got his hands on money. had a check from client mesengered. bought coke. popped valium drank. all of it. and acted out yesterday as well.
and now he is going to go to rehab in patient for 3 mos. called over an AA friend, said he “relapsed” and needed to go to rehab.
3 months? and what is to happend to the house and bills? and what about our daughter seeing her father? if he thinks i am driving our little girl up to the f’cking horsey ranch he really is high.
i am just beyond disgusted. i am so grossed out. how did I, ever end up with addict/crazy/junkie PD? how is he the father of my daughter?
diappointment is an understatment. together or not. it is just so painful.
i think his claim to rehab is pure bs. heard it before. if he runs away anywhere, it will brazil. and he’ll call it his “recovery.” while i do want to enable him right out of our life, wasn’t really thinking in patient rehab.
it’s just sooooo eeeeeewww. gross.
this was all mixed with tears and crying and how much he wanted a family , so sorry , he’s really trying, he can’t get a grip, he needs help….
why do i need or want to hear any of this shit? my health and nerves can’t take it.
it really affected me. i am hurt and angry and disgusted
i can’t handle who he really is. and the level of addictive low that is actually at. I completely cannot handle it.
the entire addictive disease has progressed.
he keeps getting warnings. from me. from aa friend. that unless he commits to recovery, he will lose all. even death is an option.
but what he says, and what he does are two very different things.
i had loved this man at one time. and i knew someone different then. the face of the real him, is horrifying.
today i am ptsd touched and horrified. migraine. foggy. hard time getting out of bed this a.m. went in late. needed extra time to digest and process.
and contact with me, is manipulation to get me back. now it’s promising rehab. just get the f8ck out of our life already. leave me and our daughter alone. leave us alone.
Pam- your life is rivaling me and Lynn’s for drama. He is just sucking your time and energy. Honestly, at this point, I don’t think I’d care where he goes as long as he is GONE.
Oh Pam.. he just sucks. On the bright side he will probably never go to 3 months of rehab so you won`t have to see that money disappear. I am guessing it was all drama and he wanted a reaction from you. I am so sorry. Just focus on you and your daughter and to be honest if he is really boozing it up and popping pills then I wouldn`t want my daughter in his care at all….
my only hope, is that he gets a dui or caught somehow. he shows as an “exemplary father” in the courts eyes. yeah. the burden of proof is on me. i need cause. apparantly my word is not enough.
the good news is, when he is on a party binge, she stays with me. so far he won’t allow himself to be around her in that state. he has not completed a full week of our custody schedule yet. not one. and i am the winner there still
I agree Pam. He’s pulling out all the tricks. The next time he wants ‘to talk’, look at your watch and say ” I’m so sorry, I have an appt I need to rush to. I’m sure whatever it is you want to talk about, you can handle” bye! Then run as fast as you can out the door and don’t look back.
Try to get the admission of drinking, pills, driving, and wild sex in writing. Send him an e-mail detailing what he told you and see if he will respond in a positive manner:
Dear John,
I started really thinking about what you shared with me the other night. I know it must have been so difficult for you to admit to BLAH BLAH BLAH…I am glad you did share. I hope you can go to treatment and get help and I am glad that you shared with ( AA friend) too….Anyway, he might write back something incriminating…
just a thought.Bev’s idea is great…hard to personally stomach speaking/typing affirm words, but legally effective. I used a similar technique, via email, to ensure verbal financial agreements were documented, as well as his confessed disclosures in order to give to my lawyer.
I am sickened to read daily accounts of the agony sisters are experiencing across the globe. I am so sorry for your pain and the insanity of it all. I think your questions continually ring in all of our heads/hearts asking how can this man be the same as the one we once loved, bore children with, and trusted. I think that is one, of countless, reasons the betrayal devastates us so holistically.
Dear Pam,
Really…I have no words. You have to find some way to get away from this guy…to REALLY get away from him. He isn’t fit to parent and I am not convinced he will keep the business or anything else afloat. It wouldn’t surprise me if he did take off to Brazil, though sounds like he doesn’t need to be there to do his thing. I am discusted for you. I cann’t even think of a way to tell you to retaliate because I believe no contact is your only hope. You are in a real jam with him having custody. Otherwise you could just walk away. Karen xx
PS if your nerves can even handle it…I do agree with the others to gather ANY evidence you can as it sounds like you may need iti am at a point – a breaking point. a real reality checker of how unfit this guy is to parent our little girl. i am distraught disgusted upon belief of who he really is. and yet i am scared to strike. i have given every oppty. even in seperation, to allow him in her life. and now i regret that. but it is early on.
he is a true sociopath. and that’s what frightens me. despite what i know to be the truth, and his unfitness as parent i think i lack proof, and money for a killer attorney.
tonight i put my hope in God our Father. To protect and keep her from harm. and give me the ability to fight and prove his deeds. make him a danger. i don’t know how, i don’t know where to begin, but i know my daughter is at risk.
i weep at having been born. to think this is my lot, and to feel i have no way to get her away from him. everywhere I look, i find another lie, another deception, another false hope and image of himself. the acts he is capable of all just seem criminal to me. deviant sick behavior. sick sick sick. it’s like finding out i married a serial killer. his deeds to me, are that dark. shocking. i will never comprehend understand or accept them. they have no place in my world. no should they in my beautiful daughter’s. a child’s life and path in life is at stake here. what a world we live in. how can joint custody be given. how? this i will never understand, neither.i pray his deeds are exposed and he is found unworthy, until he can prove worthy to be in our life. i wish i had a way to show this.
Pam – my heart bleeds for you. Neither you or your daughter deserves this lot in life. He is beyond sick and his escalation is scary.
I seriously hope that he gets into rehab and gets some help. You will at least have a break from him. Does he have medical disability coverage? (I can’t remember if he is self-employed or not – I think he might be as I remember your party planning biz?).
I read that you are trying to appease him so that he doesn’t escalate with you. The problem with that is that it puts you and your daughter in harms way. Please stop contact with him. Let him hang himself. If you don’t, he will continue to suck the life out of you. Do not answer the phone, emails, etc. Take care of yourself. Get a job in Starbucks if you have to – or another party planning company….anything to keep him out of your life. He continues to divert your attention from taking care of yourself and starting a new life.
I love Bev’s idea…you need to get proof of this stuff for the courts and custody. Keep yourself and your daughter safe.
And that’s good to put it in God’s hands. I have no doubt that he will show you the way (with a little help from us sisters 😉
Big hugs and a prayer for your serenity
Deb
Pam, what a freaken rollercoaster! i hope you are taking care of yourself in all this. he obviously wants your attention. he is terrified of something – being alone? losing you? losing himself? please take care of you, including not traumatizing yourself with his misery and what it means for your life. time to put some buffers up, maybe? has he been in this place before? sounds like he may be getting close to bottom. as painful as this for you to witness, he just might need to get there – with your daughter & you safe and protected, of course. i forget what exactly your parenting arrangement is – can you both get away from him for a little while? make a trade for sometime in the future? i am worried about you.
i think Bev’s suggestion to document his admissions is right on. i know in California you can’t legally tape in person conversations without the other person’s consent… otherwise i would suggest having a followup convo with him under the guise of concern and recording it. not sure about phone call recordings though…It sounds like CA is a two-party state where both parties must be aware of recording a conversation for it to be legal. I’m pretty sure that it would apply to phone conversations as well.
Pam, write it all down. And then send that email as sweet and sympathetic as you can stomach. See if you can get him to admit some of it. Just like Bev said.
Play him.
Hire a PI, if you can afford it. It doesn’t sound like he/she would have to be on the job for very long the way he is behaving.
Pam, you aren’t powerless to protect your daughter. He has given you so much info. Use it- it is a gift, really, considering how much these guys lie and hide what they are doing. He is basically offering himself up to you.
It breaks my heart to hear what you are going through, and believe me, I know what it is like to fear for your child when they are with dad (although as far as I know, there are no drugs with my STBX, but who really knows for sure?). This crap keeps you sucked into their drama when all you want to do is get out and move forward. Hang in there, Pam.
Pam,
Someone told me once that really bad addicts (I know you stbxh has other addictions from your previous posts) end up either in jail or dead. Not that I wish him dead but he may just hang himself on his own.I’m sorry this is really hard for you and your daughter.
Love, NapNAPs right (as usual) – my addict brother was in jail last year and has been in ICU for the last 3 months. They end up in one of the two, or both. With yours, it’s just a matter of time. Trust that God will end your suffering.
Dear Pam,
I know you are distraught and I know you have been trying to appease him to keep things friendly for co-parenting and to keep some financial stability. The problem with that, is he will not quit?? He is NOT going to allow you to have any peace or happiness away from him. His objective is control and when you moved out he lost alot of power BUT he still knows how to “get to you”. He uses money, your daughter AND his latest tactic. That fucker has no business telling you about his tranny exploits. He only told you to hurt and upset you and of course it works beautifully. You are dealing with a true abuser and Jacleen is his biggest ace but he cannot really play her without losing himself. The minute he admits to any of his activities with her present, he is dead in the water. That is why he makes sure she is with you when he is doing his thing. He wants to use her to emotionally unsettle you. God…I HATE him, Pam. Is there anyone in your abuse support group that could give additional advice on how you might handle this psychopath? There has to be a way to beat him at his own game.I wish I had better answers. Sending angels to surround you and Jacleen. Karen xx
thank you all for your support. agreed on the jail or dead thing. he keeps getting warnings from people, about where this is going. he says he gets it. he’s scared. and then he’s right back out there doing it.
thanks for your support on Jacqleen. it just upsets me so. and i understand the appeasing thing probably has to come to an end.
he had no right to tell me where he was at. and i will never allow it again in the future. it has no value. i cannot tape it. it only sends me weeping and ptsd depressed. no value whatsoever.
the good news is, i feel I am out of the way — of him bottoming. my appeasing is minimal, overall. and the removal of me, and my caring, and trying to fix and help, is accelerating his bottom process, for the most part, i am gone from the process. i hope he falls fast, and at a furious speed, just to reach whatever his bottom will be. but i don’t know if i will be that lucky. i wish i knew how long it will take. the waiting is a killer. it can’t go anywhere good. i want far away from that hot mess as possible. he’s a wrong place wrong time kind of guy. don’t need that in my life.
a scary fact to mention, for thouht. in emy support group, many of the women who have challenged their abusers (unless convicted of battery charge) continue to be abused right through the court system. CA is a very friendly father state. a staggerin number of batterers, controllers, end up with joint custody, and often legally attack, and bankrupt the mother who challenges them. the more i listen to their years of battle in the courts, the more i wonder if it is even worth it. all that matters is evidence. and they don’t seem to care about how many prosititues they sleep with. need evidence of drugs, evidence of violence and mental illness. otherwise, these bastards are extremely skillfull at turnin the tables and putting the mom on the defensive.
he presents extremely well. is extremely convicing and articulate. he can, and will destroy me, without a pitbull attorney and tons of evidence. sorry sisters, but until i can see a better way, appeasement assures me of my existing custody arrangement. until i see a better way, i am going to keep doing what i am doing.
at least i have a safe place to go home to every night. and my daughter does as well. i hope in time, i can get free from the rest of his hold. or he bottoms out and disappears.
as messed up as he is, he is an opponent that rarely loses. control has it’s rewards. and it has rewarded him far to well to stop. i need better boundaries and less involvement. the seperation needs to deepen
I get it, too, Pam. I did it until it became impossible, and I am seeing that other side with the courts. So I don’t blame you.
Just do what you can to get evidence- plan your next escape.
Pam,
I have been out a lot and missed this thread. I am praying and sending you and your daughter thoughts of peace and clarity. All the advice from the sisters is great. Just hang on, and try to distance yourself as much as possible. I am so sorry he has sunk so low. Just hold your daughter and we’ll all be praying and thinking and supporting you as best we can. Like I tell all the sisters, when things are this bad, send your important documents elsewhere, just in case you have to leave quickly for safety. I don’t know if I said that to you before, if so, I’m sorry.
Keep us posted, we are all concerned.
Lynn
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