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Hi ladies,
It has been 2 weeks since my last post (2 days after D-Day). Last week was the most emotional tough week of my life, I was breaking down most days, having anxiety attacks, not eating, sleeping and just generally lost the plot. I tried to calm my self by going out shopping and doing things with friends. It made for feel ok for a while, but then id go home be alone for a while I would get mental images and have another crying fit. I could not think about anything else but what he has done and I felt sick to my stomach. I had just one essay due to complete my final subject of my degree to graduate from university and decided that I needed to defer until January to complete the final assessment as I could not mentally cope with it at this point, so I deferred last week until January next year. Last weekend I spent a lot of time doing research on sex addiction and read two books prescribed by a therapist specialized in sex addiction called Mending a shattered heart:life after the discovery of sex addiction and Out of the Shadows. This was a tough read but gave me more clarity. I also booked an appointment with him to start therapy on my own.
On Monday I had my first appointment with him and he was fantastic he answered a lot of questions I had and gave me some healing tasks to do over this week before my next appointment. We drew some relationship boundaries that are non negotiable that I was encouraged to share with my partner. These were:
*P&M has no place in our home or relationship
* alcohol and drug use not tolerated
* computer is to be monitored and in main room
* if relapse occurs he has a day to tell me
*lying manipulation and deceit will not be tolerated
*shared passwords to computer social media and emails
* Full honest disclosure
Consequences if broken = separation.
I shared these with him.Since D-Day I only received staggered disclosures based on questions I asked only. After giving him my boundaries he sat down and gave me a full Disclosure.
Basically he started masturbating to porn magazines at age 10 and masturbating to tv shows with girls in bikinis. As he got older in his teens and his dad got the internet he started P&M. He told me it was everyday doesn’t matter where it was. Some times multiple times a day. It started off as normal porn and escalated to hardcore porn. We got together when he was 19. and he said he was always still doing it. One night after we first moved in together he got his friends to drop off some porn magazines and asked me to read them in bed I did as I was young and gave in although it didnt sit right with me. I told him soon after how it made me feel. He disclosed he didn’t really care I was just a woman and he thought woman should just shut their mouths and put up with it and because I got upset he just viewed it on his phone behind my back or read the magazines at work. We didn’t have the internet at home then, but soon after when we did he viewed it all the time behind my back. Every time I was at work he was watching porn and masturbating. He said he would do it when he had opportunities such as me asleep in bed or in the shower. Or he would just tell me he was showering. He told me when I was up late at night studying he went to bed for p&m. He told me that the porn he was into was hardcore and he got off on woman being treated like they were nothing but whores and had guys cumming all over there face and being rough with them. He said he got off on woman having now power and being there for the pure enjoyment of the man and woman being shown there place in the world. He said to me when he was younger he saw woman as nothing more than to cook and clean and a hole to fuck (his words). He said that although he loved me that applied to me as well. He told me that he has never used live sex chat or shows or people or prostitutes as he likes porn for the fact its fake and the woman a pure sluts and get treated like so (his words). He said he loves seeing woman get treated like they are nothing. He told me after arguments or fights with me he had them fantasies and masturbated to them about me where he dominated me and treated me like that to show me my place in the world and where I belonged. He disclosed that once when we came close to splitting up he was chatting up a girl he knew from back in school that was a drug user and promiscuous, so if I left him he had her lined up to sleep with and was planning on getting drunk with her and waiting for her to drug use and then do what ever he wanted with her and treat her like the slut she was (his words). He also told me he enjoyed p&m in bed while I was taking a shower before bed as he got off on the adrenaline rush of my catching him and the fact it would jeopardize our relationship. He said up until a while ago he thought every time I found porn and got upset it was me with the problem that he believed he was the man and I should shut my mouth and know my place. He also disclosed that a few months ago when I had enough and was distant and he thought I was going to leave he found a picture of a girl and started sending pictures and messages to himself so I would find them to hurt me and make me jealous to I stayed.
Hearing this made me feel sick to my tummy, but at the same time gave me relief knowing the truth. I’m struggling to see him the same now as I feel he is all sorts of fucked up. Although he hasn’t escalated to the point of actual sexual assault of me and others I feel he has the mentality of a sex offender now. Is this normal to feel?
This week he agreed to go to a relationship therapist which we start tomorrow and he has started a recovery course and booked a therapist for him self. I have also started a healing workshop this week and working hard on myself to recover and be OK. I have decided that with a bub on the way I need to put more energy into healing and working on my self so I am ok and can be a good mother regardless what happens to the relationship in the future. I have backed of and decided that its his responsibility to work hard at recovering and taking action for his own life I can no longer be responsible for his behavior and micro manage his life cause he will never learn.
He is saying he wants to change and save our relationship and be a better man. I hope this is the case but its up to him. Iv decided Im giving him three months to see changes and see how hard he is working towards recovery and then i’m making a decision about my relationship and i’m sticking to my boundaries.
I guess my questions are for people that have been down this road is what are the success rates? How do I know if he really believes he has a problem or just doing all this to make it ok and keep me around? do sex addicts ever really change or do they become better liars and manipulators? Is relationship therapy with a specialized sex addiction therapist beneficial?
I think the only benefit of relationship therapy at this point is for you to communicate and enforce your boundaries and maybe get an update on his recovery. You cannot work on your relationship until he is in *solid* recovery….e.g. usually 6 to 12 months. What is he doing to work on his problem? Therapy? Regular 12 step meetings with a sponsor?
It’s good that he is motivated to change – but that’s just talk….you have to watch his behavior (e.g. recovery work, remorse, empathy) to see if he really is committed to do it.
You have to realize that this isn’t a quick fix – it takes time. I hope for the sake of you and your baby that he pours his heart and soul into getting better…..but you need to be prepared if he doesn’t. What are you doing to heal and make yourself stronger?
Deb
MissE, Sweetheart, please why in God’s name would you even consider staying with a man who feels the way your boyfriend does about women? He is one sick fuck and he is not going to change. No, I’m wrong about that. He’s only going to get worse until he DOES act on these violent fantasies of his. You will be the target. Your son will be the target. You are young and have so much life ahead of you. DO NOT WASTE THAT ONE PRECIOUS LIFE ON A LOSER PIECE OF SCUM. Your boundaries should be this: NEVER COME NEAR ME OR MY BABY AGAIN. THE END. Said with love, Liza
Sorry, Deb, but I can’t believe you’d suggest MissE even think about continuing in a relationship with this loser and be at all invested in his ‘recovery’. Recovery from being a sociopath? Did you read her story?
Misse,
I have to agree with Liza. His core beliefs about women and his behavior to back it up speaks HUGELY of who he is. None of us should be in a disrespectful and abusive relationship. “a woman is for cooking, cleaning, and a hole”. ???? He does sadistic thing to “make you catch him to torture you”. That is really mean Misse AND deliberate. You deserve love, respect, and happiness. We all do. Please think twice about a relationship with him. Reread what you wrote and pretend it’s your sister who wrote it. What would you tell her? Said with love and respect, NapxoMisse,
I posted on your other thread before reading this. You are with a person whose stated opinion is that you are there to use, period. Sex, maid, cook, punching bag. I did read your story and its heartbreaking to think you believed that if you could be everything he wanted things would change. You already are what he wants: Sex, maid, cook, punching bag. This is a good as it gets with him, I am sorry to say that. You wrote that he’s said that is what women are for. ANY woman would be treated the same because that’s what he believes we are for. All of us.
You don’t believe that. Don’t live it.
Misse,
I posted on your other thread before reading this. You are with a person whose stated opinion is that you are there to use, period. Sex, maid, cook, punching bag. I did read your story and its heartbreaking to think you believed that if you could be everything he wanted things would change. You already are what he wants: Sex, maid, cook, punching bag. This is a good as it gets with him, I am sorry to say that. You wrote that he’s said that is what women are for.
You don’t believe that. Don’t live it.I posted on the other thread too before I read this…
MissE, is there anyway you can just go stay with your parents full time? This guy does NOT sound too stable to say the least. I know you have been with him a long time and you are young. There is nothing wrong with holding out hope, but you can hope the volcano doesn`t erupt from a safe distance. I do not think you are helping him by staying with him. He needs some intense help sweetie. You need to keep you and that precious boy safe and sound.
Just remember this…he won`t go anywhere. You can deal with him later if you choose. No one else will have him for long.
We are here for you. We care about you.
It’s just awful.
And I guess hard to hear these experienced voices talking truths they’ve lived and learned themselves.I think what we have to say is that you are still really young, and have a real chance at turning your life around with your children, and getting away from his terrible abuse.
I don’t think you need a relationship therapist. Your guy is an abuser. Why would any therapist be encouraging you to stay in an abusive relationship? Get out of it and don’t go back. If he wants to get straight that’s fine. But not on your time. Start again with the support of your family and friends. Step away from him. Start to relax a little. Heal. Get a new perspective without his big black cloud of violence and anger hanging over you and your baby.
Think about your priorities. And choose wisely.
Misse,
Your story is horrible and you deserve SO much better. He is twisted and his core beliefs are f’ed up. I do not believe a man who says and believes such chauvinistic things can be “fixed”. Get out and start fresh for you and your child.
Much love,,
mjMissE you are clearly bright and beautiful and strong. You are about to become a mom.
This man is more likely to abuse you as your pregnancy develops and your body changes. You are at greater risk than ever. I say cut your losses. Obviously this is just my opinion, but I believe you will step into a higher risk bracket of developing post natal depression and be less able to make radical life saving decisions later.
If you can, go to your family. Get away.I wish we could have a facility for getting out of these situations.
MissE,
There is a lot of *wisdom* to drawn on here.You could be my daughter and if you were, I would tell you to come home, no, RUN and start over with your baby.
WHat he has shared with you about his *uses* for women is very disturbing. Even if he is committed to change, he will need extensive therapy and you & your baby DO NOT need to be around that. You deserve so much better and please, please, think about your child. You are young and can start over with your baby and have a chance to find someone who will treat you with love and respect.
Please listen CAREFULLY to his words HE IS TELLING YOU WHO HE IS and make your choice for you and your baby
Love,
DeborahDamn, Deborah, you made me realize that I have a daughter Misse’s age (21). I forget how I old I am sometimes. There would be some hell to pay for this guy if you were my daughter.
I also went out with a guy that abused me when I was about your age. I thought I loved him more than anything. He tried to gouge my eyes out, cheated on me, and gave me herpes (without telling me had it- but he knew). He also got me pregnant (I was 19). Some very wise older women helped me get out and cut all ties.
It is scary and difficult to leave an abusive relationship.
Misse- can you get away somewhere safe for awhile? Don’t think of it as breaking up necessarily at this point if that seems too much. Just get some space and time to clear your head so you can think- “detox”, if you will, from all his poison. It will be easier to think this through when you are not in the middle of it.
Sometimes people telling you to leave can be just what you need to give you strength; sometimes it can make you feel more afraid and resolved to stay. Where are you, Misse?
MissE, The recovery rate for sexual addiction is no better than other addictions – 5%. There’s a great Harvard study you can google that determined alcoholics who stay sober for five years, generally never go back. FIVE years! Anything short of that, one year or two years of sobriety/recovery had high rates of going back. I believe sexual addiction is harder than alcohol…sexual addiction, as JoAnn says is only a thought away. In our culture, opportunities to think those thoughts abound. I never, ever would have thought I would use an anti-depressant. But, I got on generic Celexa ($5 a month) after I didn’t sleep AT ALL for three straight days because of SA stuff. I was maybe a month in. I think getting on the anti-depressant was THE best thing I did for myself. I don’t know anything about anti-depressants and pregnancy, but if they mix, please consider, and definitely consider after pregnancy. I think clearly, can solve problems well, the meds just get rid of seriously anxious and sad thoughts that were getting me no where. As a result of meds, I am moving through this very quickly. You will be able to make proper decisions if you get on anti-depressants and they work for you. Also, mine help me sleep much better. Do not go to relationship therapy; they learn to be better liars and manipulators if you go to marriage therapy. They have to be well into recovery before you can even think about marriage therapy. I wanted marriage therapy so much in the beginning, but my husband’s addiction counselor said marriage therapy is a long way off. I completely get that now, 3.5 months in. Is he doing this to keep you around or does he really want to recovery? LEAVE HIM, tell him the relationship has great hope if he does exceptional work over the next three to five years, you’ll get your answer and you and the baby will be safe. Almost to a person, we seem to realize we need to detach to keep our sanity. Detaching does not necessarily mean leaving, but in your case I think it does. I’ve been separated from my husband for 6 weeks now. Second best thing I did. Good for you for your boundary setting.
Sweetheart, I am sure that all this advice is difficult to hear. Like many of us I think, at least in the beginning what we want is to hear that there is hope and to find people who have made it through this as a couple and are happy. Sadly, that isnt always what we get, but we DO get support.
You are young–I wasted more than ten years in a relationship, only to have it happen over and over again. It doesnt get easier to leave, only harder.
This guy has told you how he feels about women–that is not going to change unless he gets years of therapy! I also frankly dont believe him that he never picked up the phone or got on chat–and if he is telling the truth, it is only a matter of time. Getting an honest full disclosure from these guys is like pulling teeth. Most of us are left wondering what secrets they held back. In fact, I wonder if he got off on telling you the things he did…like basically he is telling you that you are low and just there to be dominated. If you stay, then I think you are communicating to this sick puppy that you agree….
Its good for you that you set boundaries, but what freaking professional would tell a young woman to stay in the same house as guy who has revealed such distain for women. Is your child a daughter?
Sweetie, I think in your heart, if you clear away wishful thinking–you already KNOW the right thing to do. Best of luck and prayers for you!I agree with the ladies you should get out now while you are young before the baby is born. I’m not sure I would tell him either I think you should leave while he’s at work or away. All of these woman have walked this path and lived this nightmare. Listen to them. This has affected your life and sadly know matter how hard you try it will affect your childs life if you continue to live with him. I know it’s hard ,it hurts, and it’s scarey but it will only get worse. Save yourself and your child.
Ok misse he is fucked up. And so are the rest of our partners. None of our sa’s have any respect for women. I would bet you 10,000 bucks that every sa on this site views women as a Maid, cook, and a hole. The most redeeming quality of your sa is he was honest about it. ( and probably jerking off to your reaction – that naughty boy)
When someone shows you who they are – believe themWe are over 20 grand in therapy, 2 years of hellish heart tugging manipulation, and he has moved on in his merry horny way. Not fixed at all – but he now KNOWS girls under 18 is a bad idea and I don’t even believe him when he says that.
Don’t read Patrick carnes any more. Great picks – your sexually addicted spouse ( Barbra Steffens) the gas light effect – and deceived by Claudia black helped me a lot if you sift out the codependent shit.
Get away from him – or lose yourself for good. If you want to be an amazing mother with a well adjusted child run as fast as you can.
This is one of those posts where I am giving myself the same advice –
MissE – I just read the rest of your story. Please get away from him. He is seriously sick. It’s like living with a very mentally ill person. He is not going to get well for years. Please….for the sake of your baby and you – please find a safe place to stay. Tell him to go get help and walk out. You need to stay away from him.
Deb
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