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There has been a lot of discussion about co-dependency. I think we, as wives of sex addicts, should define our own criteria for co-dependency. What are some of yours?
Mine would be if a wife is still with a sex addict 2-5 years after discovery, he is in counseling, but is still in active addiction, lying, still giving promises of change, but you never see any, and promises to never hurt you again, AND – YOU STILL LOVE HIM. Of course, refusing to ever get counseling and work on recovery would call for immediate action – leave the SOB.
2-5 yrs. is a stretch for me, but that is the minimum amount of time you can expect to see an SA learning to manage his his addiction.
Actually, I considered my self co-dependent after 2 1/2 yrs. of marriage – I was hooked on hope for change. My love for him went out the window after all of the above. Why would anyone want to chance living with an addict in the first place. Life is too short.
Thoughts?My SAH is co-dependent. I know this because I feel like his entire sense of being is dependent on me. Now that we do “check-ins” twice daily of how we are feeling emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc if I say anything but -“life is great honey” – his whole day is shot – hell, his whole week is shot. It is actually really irritating – I never realized until he stopped acting out what a needy person he is…
My STBX couldn’t ever name his feelings. He could only react to me or my feelings. It was really weird.
Yep, Barb….mine too. I guess when you really don’t have a identity of your own you are bound to be incredibly needy. Mine cann’t cope with anything unless he has some form of back up from me. Well…..I guess that isn’t true. He managed to be a spectacular liar and cheater with little help from me. That must be his only forte. 🙁
Weird doesn’t even begin to describe these guys…..I am a co-dependent and likely always will be – but I’ve come a long way. I recognize it and am working hard on it. I was/am a co-dependent because I needed others to take care of me. My sense of self-worth was tied up in my SAH. He was my higher power. I know the origin of it and that’s the first step in changing it.
For me, the definition of co-dependency is putting others needs before your own – whether it be for one minute or 3 years.
In the world of being a partner of an SAH, it’s waiting an eternity to see if your partner “gets it” and works on their childhood trauma and resulting unhealthy mental state. Once their secret life is revealed – it’s doing your own minimization, rationalization and denial of what your SAH is and what they are capable of. It’s staying in a relationship despite relapse after relapse and more lies. It’s not valuing yourself enough to get out of the way.
And yes, most SAHs are co-dependent – because they are like man-boys. They are 6 year olds that both hate and love women. They are dependent on women for their self-worth.
Today mine asked me if I still get triggers and I answered – yes, every day (between hookers on TV, grey haired women, etc.). He got very upset and said “how in the world can you stay with me, then? – I don’t understand it!. I’m stunned that you think about it every day”.
Hmmm….scratching my head on that one. I sure wish that I didn’t think about it every day – but after all, it was a HUGE deal. I equated it to a terrible car accident where you lose the use of your arm. You will never forget it and probably think about it every day. More minimization on his part (sigh).
Deb
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